第3章婊子的节操，我们的信条

CHAPTER THREE Our Beliefs

We are ethical people, ethical sluts. It is very important to us to treat people well and to do our best to not hurt anyone. Our ethics come from our own sense of rightness, and from the empathy and love we hold for those around us. It is not okay to hurt another person because then we hurt too, and we don’t feel good about ourselves.

我们生而为人，离不开伦理道德，婊子也同样如此。善待其ta人，尽最大可能不伤害任何人，这非常重要。我们的道德观，源于我们的是非感，和人际之间的关爱与共情。如果伤害到别人，我们自己的心里也不会好受。

Ethical slutdom can be a challenging path: we don’t have a polyamorous Miss Manners telling us how to do our things courteously and respectfully, so we have to make it up as we go along. However, we’re sure we’ve figured out by now that to us, being a slut doesn’t mean simply doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want.

问心无愧、理直气壮地做个婊子，是一条充满挑战的道路：从来没有一位老师，能在多边恋领域提供指导，教我们如何有理有节地为人处事。所以我们的三观，也只能随着我们的阅历，不断摸索、拼凑。不过，笔者确信已经找到了属于自己的答案。做个婊子，并不意味着简单粗暴、不顾场合、不考虑别人的率性而为。

Most of our criteria for ethics are quite pragmatic. Is anyone being harmed? Is there anyway to avoid causing that harm? Are there any risks? Is everybody involved aware of those risks and doing what they can be done to minimize them?

我们婊子的道德观念，大都非常务实：我这样做，会伤害到谁吗？有没有什么好方法，能够确保所涉及的每一个人，都不会受到任何伤害？是否包含着某种风险因素？能否确保每个人都了解那些风险因素，并且能够尽力把风险降到最低？

On the positive side: How much fun is this? What is everybody learning from it? Is it helping someone to grow? Is it helping make the world a better place?

从积极的方面看：这样干，有多爽？每个人能从中得到什么？能否让参与者由此得到自我成长？能否让这个世界，由此变得更好？

First and foremost, ethical sluts value consent. When we use this word—and we will, often, throughout this book—we mean an active collaboration for the benefit, well-being, and pleasure for all persons concerned. If someone is being coerced, bullied, blackmailed, manipulated, lied to, or ignored, what is happening is not consensual. And sex that is not consensual is not ethical—period.

首先，也是最关键的一点，每个理直气壮的婊子，都格外重视“一致同意”。这个理念贯穿于全书。就笔者所知，婊子将性爱视为一种积极的合作关系，共同追求幸福，让其中的每个人都得到快乐。如果有人被强迫、被欺侮、被勒索、被操控，被谎言欺骗，被排斥漠视，其中的任何一条，都违背了一致同意原则。所有不以一致同意作为前提的性行为，都是侵害、暴行——铁定无疑，无可辩驳。

Ethical sluts are honest—with themselves and others. We take time with ourselves, to figure out our own emotions and motivations and to untangle them for greater clarity when necessary. Then we openly share that information with those who need it. We do our best not to let our fears and bashfulness be an obstacle to our honesty—we trust that our partners will go on respecting and loving us, warts and all.

理直气壮的婊子，普遍为人光明磊落、坦荡无欺：正视自己的内心，并以真实的自我，诚恳待人。我们婊子会把不少时间都用在自己身上，厘清自己的情绪和动机，如果内心有啥纠结，则设法及时化解；若有必要，会尽量让一切都更加清晰明确。然后，我们把这些信息，毫无保留地和有需求者分享。我们尽量避免让自己的恐惧和羞怯，阻碍我们坦荡处事；我坚信自己的伴侣，一如既往地尊重我、喜爱我，充分接纳注定不完美的我。

Ethical sluts recognize the ramifications of our sexual choices. We see that our emotions, our upbringing, and the standard of our culture often conflict with our sexual desires. And we make a conscious commitment to supporting ourselves and our partners as we deal with those conflicts honestly and honorably.

我们的性选择，难免会产生此刻虽不明显、但于中长期则影响深远的结果：婊子对此有充分的认知和接纳，这也是理直气壮的底气所在。婊子深知：我们的情绪、成长经历，和对社会文化的评判标准，都会经常和我们的性欲望发生冲突。对此，我们会以理性的热忱，以坦诚而公正的方式，为自己、为性伴侣，提供支持力量，共同化解上述的冲突。

We do not allow our sexual choices to have an unnecessary impact on those who have not consented to participate. We are respectful of others’ feeling, and when we aren’t sure how someone feels, we ask.

我们不会让自己的性选择，对并非自愿参与其中之人，造成任何无谓的影响。我们尊重其ta人的感受，当我们不清楚其ta人的感受时，会就此主动询问。

Ethical sluts recognize the differences between things they can and should control, and things they can’t. While we sometimes may feel jealous or territorial, we own those feelings, doing our best not to blame or control, but asking for the support we need to help ourselves feel safe and cared for.

哪些事情是自己可控并且应当妥善掌控的，哪些是自己无力掌控的——理直气壮的婊子明确知晓上述二者的分野。我们婊子同样有可能会吃醋，或者有“ta应该属于我”之类的“领地意识”，这时，我们会如实承认自己的这种感受，并为其负责，尽量不要因此而发作、去试图控制别人或者对别人恶语相向；但我们会寻求必要的支持，帮助自己重建安全感和温馨感。

Don’t panic—the rest of this book is about how you can learn to be such a fine sexy grown-up. Your authors are here to help. We wrote this book to help you become a ethical slut. Here are a few of the ideas and beliefs that have helped us get here and might help you too.

做到上述这些，确实不大容易，但你也不要被“吓倒”——本书接下来的内容，都将探讨自我成长之道，从中我们能够修炼得既骚气冲天，又阳光可人。本书的两位作者，会帮助你一起完成这个目标——我们写下此书，就是为了帮助你破茧成为一名理直气壮的婊子。接下来所谈到的那些理念，让笔者变成了现在这个德性，大概也能对你有点用。

性：让我们重新思考

Rethinking Sex

Are you having sex right now? Yes, you are, and so we are.

你正在进行性爱吗？没错，如果你说是，那就一定是：我们共同的性爱进行时。

Perhaps you’re looking around you in bewilderment: you still have your clothing on, and maybe you are sitting in a restaurant or a crowed bus. How could you be having sex?

可能你会四处张望，一脸迷茫：本来嘛，你明明穿着衣服，此刻说不定正坐在饭馆里，或者在人山人海的公交车上。这种状态，算啥做爱？

We think that the question of when you’re having sex is actually sort of meaningless. Sexual energy pervades everything all the time; we inhale it into our lungs and exude it from our pores. While it’s pretty easy to determine whether or not you’re engaging in a particular sexual activity at any given time—nether you nor we are probably having intercourse at this moment—the idea of sex as something set aside, a discrete, definable activity like driving a car, just doesn’t hold up very well.

在笔者看来，“你什么时候正在做爱”，是个毫无意义的伪问题。每时每刻，性能量都遍及一切事物；每一次呼吸，性能量便随着空气渗透心肺，让我们浑身每个毛孔，都散发着色情的光辉。尽管，要确认“你在某个特定时间，是否正在参与一场性爱”，似乎容易得很——就像此时此刻的你和笔者，不大可能正在做爱；然而，如果将性爱和其他事物决然分离，把性爱当作一种独立存在、定义明确的活动（就像开车一般），这样的观点，恐怕也大有问题、很难成立。

You can compare this idea to the idea of eating, if you like. Most people would define “eating” as the actual activity of placing food in the mouth. But gourmets might spend a long time savoring the aroma and appearance of their food before actually taking a bite, so that smell and vision have become part of eating. For those who open themselves to the possibilities, every stray aroma that floats under our nostrils, the ocean breeze with its tang of oysters and seaweed, the peaty whiskey-like whiff of woodsmoke, become a kind of eating. And our eyes take in colors and shapes, apple red and creamy custard yellow, while our busy brains, remembering yesterday’s wonderful meal, plan another for tomorrow, and the whole world becomes our food.

如果你愿意的话，可以把性爱和吃饭看作类似的事，将此二者进行对比参照。一般人所理解的“吃饭”，就是把食物送进嘴里。但不少美食家，则会在开吃之前，花更多时间，来品鉴食物的色香味——这个过程，同样也是“吃饭”的一部分。当你敞开心扉，探索和美食有关的种种机缘奇遇，每一种香气扑鼻而入——无论海风夹带着牡蛎和紫菜的味道，或者酷似泥炭威士忌的木炭烟火气——都可以算是“吃饭”。与此同时，各种物品的颜色和形状，也会被我们的眼睛看到。像苹果一样的红色，像奶油沙司一样的黄色，都可能在我们的脑海里，诱发这些食物的美味回忆，让我们决定“明天再来尝尝”。于是整个世界，都仿佛成为我们的美食乐园。

Similarly, we think erotic energy is everywhere—in the deep breath that fills our lungs as we step out into a warm spring morning, in the cold water spilling over the rocks in the brook, in the creativity that drives us to paint pictures and tell stories and make music and write books, in the loving tenderness we feel towards our friends and relatives and children. In our combined half century of work as sex writers and educators, we’ve found that the more we learn about sex, the less we know about how to define it, so now we just say the truth as we know it: sex is part of everything.

同理，我们也坚信，性欲的能量无处不在——它可以在阳春的晨光下，一呼一吸之间；它也可以在清冽的岩间溪水，溅在身上之时；它还可以在驱使着我们去绘画、去讲述、去作曲、去著书的创造力之中；它同样可以在我们从友人、亲人和孩子那里，所感受到的爱意之内。就本书的两位作者而言，我们俩在长达五十年里，以性爱为主题，从事写作和教育；我们发觉，对“性”的了解越多，反而越难对“性”下定义。我们从这个事实中得到的感悟是：性，囊括万事万物，任何事物都可能具有“性化”的意味。（当然，每个事物都具有很多不同的侧面，“性化”，也只是其诸多侧面之一。）

Right now, we’re writing about sex, and you’re reading what we have to say about it. You’re having sex with us! Was it good for you? It sure has been for us.

此刻，我们正在写一本关于“性”的书，而你们正在听我谈论关于“性”的事情。可以说，你正在和我们进行性爱！这样讲，你会不会觉得很赞吖？反正笔者超喜欢这个观点。

More pragmatically, we have had long, intense intimate conversations that felt deeply sexual to us. And we have had intercourse that didn’t feel terribly sexual. Our best definition here is that sex is whatever the people engaging it think it is. For some people, spanking is sex. For others, wearing a garter belt and stockings is sex. If you and anybody else involved feel sexual when you eat ice cream sundaes together, that’s sex—for you. While this may sound silly now, it’s a concept that will come in handy later in this book when we discuss making agreements about our sexual behaviors.

讲点更实际的吧：书读到这里，可以说，你和笔者之间，已经进行了为时很长的“亲密接触”。这就是我们的“性交”（性交流），虽然它并不是一般公众所定义的“性事”。在这里，关于“性”的最佳定义，是一个人在其主观感受下，和性有关的一切，正可谓“性远乎哉？我欲性，斯性至矣”。对一些人而言，SP（作为一种虐恋方式的打屁股，spanking）就是性爱；对另一些人而言，性爱可以是吊带和袜子。如果你和某个人一起吃圣代冰淇淋时，有性的感受，这对你而言，就是一种性行为。这样讲貌似怪诞，然而，坚持这个理念，对于理解本书接下来关于“性同意”的内容——也就是你的性行为，和其ta参与者协商一致——是非常有用的。

拒绝 VS. 满足

Denial vs. Fulfillment

Dossie’s bachelor’s thesis was called “Sex Is Nice and Pleasure Is Good for You.” That idea is as radical now, in the twenty-first century, as it was back in the 1970s when Dossie first wrote it.

本书的作者之一道茜，当年的学士论文，名为《性爱是美好的，快感是有益的》。这样的观点即使放在21世纪初的今天，也未免有些激进，而道茜写下那篇文字时，是在1970年代。

Our culture places a high value on self-denial, which is fine when there is hard work to be done. But all too often, those who unapologetically satisfy their desire for pleasure in their utterly free time are seen as immature, disgusting, even sinful. Since we all have desires, puritanical values lead inevitably to self-loathing, hatred of our bodies and our turn-ons, and fear and guilt over our sexual urges.

我们这个社会的主流文化，崇尚对诱惑的自我克制、果断拒绝。如果你有一项艰巨的工作亟待完成，拒绝各种诱惑、专注于那项工作，无疑是一种美德。但更多时候，如果你在自己的空闲时间“纵欲享乐”——按理说这没啥不对——就会被视为不成熟、无节操。我们明摆着都有七情六欲，于是，禁欲的道德观会导致自我厌恶感，对自己的肉体，和各种可能引发性欲的事物，都充满嫌弃和敌意，对自身的性冲动，既恐惧不安又引以为耻。

We see ourselves surrounded by the walking wounded—by people who have been deeply injured by fear, shame, and hatred of their own sexual selves. We believe that happy, free, guiltless connection is the cure for these wounds; we believe that sexuality is vital to people’s sense of self-worth, to their belief that life is good. We have never met anyone who had low self-esteem at the moment of orgasm.

环顾我们周围，被上述文化观念的荼毒入骨的“伤病患者”比比皆是；对自身性欲的恐惧、羞耻和憎恶，将其凌迟得伤痕累累、支离破碎。我们坚信，快乐、自主、放下耻感包袱、代之以平常心的情感连结，能够将其“伤病”治愈。我们坚信，（广义的）性，对于每个人的自我价值感，和对生活的真正热爱，是至关重要的因素。我们从未见过，有谁会在性高潮时自卑自贱。

你不欠谁一个解释

You Don’t Need a Reason

If you walk up to a randomly selected individual and propose that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you, you will probably hear a lot of spluttering, argument, and “yahbuts”—STDs, unwanted pregnancies, rape, the commodification of sexual desire, and so on. None of which changes the core ideas.

如果你随机找个人，走过去对ta说：“性是美妙的，快感对你们有益无害”，接下来，你很可能会听到一堆气急败坏的驳斥、观点相反的争论，以及“你讲的也对，但话说回来……”之类。反对你的理由，包括经由性传播的疾病（STDs），意外怀孕、强奸、对性欲望的商品化，等等。但这些理由，没有任何一条，足以动摇你的核心观点。

There is nothing in the world so terrific that it can’t be abused if you’re determined to do so: Familial connections can be violated, sexual desire can be manipulated. Even chocolate can be abused. Abuse doesn’t change the basic wonderfulness of any of these things: the danger lies in the motivation of the abuser, not the nature of the item.

世界上的一切事物，都可能被故意滥用：家庭关系可能成为家暴的温床，性欲望也可能带来情感操控。就连巧乐力糖，吃多也齁嗓子。可见，被滥用的风险，并不能改变任何一个事物的美好特质；其风险来自滥用者本人，而非该事物自身。

If there were no such thing as sexually transmitted disease, if nobody got pregnant unless she wanted to, if all sex were consensual and pleasurable, how would the world feel about it then? How would you feel? If you look deep inside yourself, you may find bits and pieces of sex-negativism, often hiding behind the judgmental words like “promiscuous”, “hedonistic”, and “nonproductive”.

倘若没有任何疾病能通过性渠道传播，倘若只要不想怀孕就不会怀孕，倘若所有的性行为都是你情我愿的交欢，世界将会怎样呢？你对此怎么看？或许，你会感到某种程度的不适，对上述的世界，颇有些负面感受——你的负面感受背后，是一系列道德评判的词汇：滥情滥交、愚乐至死、灵魂堕落，乃至“与生殖无关的性行为，本身就是罪孽”。

Even people who consider themselves sex positive and sexually liberated often fall into a different trap—the trap of rationalizing sex. Releasing physical tension, relieving menstrual cramps, maintaining mental health, preventing prostate problems, making babies, cementing relationships, and so on are all admirable goals, and wonderful side benefits of sex. But they are not what sex is for. Sex is for pleasure, a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself. People have sex because it feels very good, and then they feel good about themselves. The worthiness of pleasure is one of the core values of ethical sluthood.

即使很多自认为对性爱持积极态度，自认为已经实现性解放的人，也难免会落入一个自我异化的陷阱——“为性爱找个合情合理的解释”。比如说，通过性爱来放松身心，来缓解月经期的不适、来维持心理健康、防止前列腺病变、为了怀孕生孩子、巩固亲密关系，等等。诚然，这些都可以成为性爱的绝佳理由，都是能够从性爱中获得的额外利益。但是，这些都并非性爱的目的所在。性爱就是为了爽，这就是理由和目的，仅此而已。人类的性爱，无非是寻求快感，并在快感中，为自身的存在而感到美好。珍视快感，对于理直气壮的婊子而言，是一个核心信念。

爱和性，是终极目的，而非中介手段

Love and Sex Are the End, Not the Means

Our monogamy-centrist culture tends to assume that the purpose and ultimate goal of all relationship —and all sex—is lifelong pair bonding, and that any relationship that falls short of that goal has failed.

这个社会的主流文化，不但将一对一的封闭式固定关系，作为核心价值，而且常有这样一种倾向：将所有亲密关系——以及性爱——的终极目标，预设为“一对爱人，情定终身”；凡是不能满足上述目标的亲密关系，都被当作“失败的亲密关系”。

We, on the other hand, think sexual pleasure can certainly contribute to love, commitment, and long-term stability, if that’s what you want. But those are hardly the only good reasons for having sex. We believe in valuing relationship for what we value in them, a seeming tautology that is wiser than it sounds.

我们并不否认性生活的和谐，很可能会对你所真心期待的爱情、承诺，和长期的关系稳定，都大有裨益。但这些好处或曰理由，都和做爱本身的意义，没有超过半毛钱的关系。如果我们珍惜一段亲密关系，是因为这段关系本身，有值得珍惜的东西——这句“车轱辘话”，实乃智慧之言。

A relationship may be valuable simply because it affords sexual pleasure to those involved; there is nothing wrong with sex for sex’s sake. Or it might involve sex as a pathway to other lovely things—intimacy, connection, companionship, even romantic love—which in no way changes the basic goodness of the pleasurable sex.

一段亲密关系，或许仅仅是为了性快感，而这就是其存在的全部意义。为性爱而性爱，这没什么不对。也许，通过性爱，还能走向其他的美好境地：亲昵感、心相通、身相伴，乃至浪漫爱。但这些都无法改变性爱最根本的价值，也就是性爱本身的快乐。

A sexual relationship may last for an hour or two. It’s still a relationship: the participants have related to one another—as sex partners, companions, lovers—for the duration of their interaction. Longevity is not a good criterion by which to judge the success or failure of a relationship.

做一次爱，前前后后可能总共一两个小时，这也是一段亲密关系。所有的参与者，在此过程中都发生了身心关联——是床上的对象，也是亲爱的伙伴、厮守的情侣。长久与否，并不能作为衡量一段亲密关系成败的标尺。

One-night stands can be intense, life-enhancing, and fulfilling; so can lifetime love affairs. While ethical sluts may choose to have some kinds of relationships and not others, we believe that all relationships have the potential to teach us, move us, and above all give us pleasure.

一夜情，也可能让人全身心投入，也能成为平淡生活中的一抹亮色，也有望带来极大的满足感。上述的种种可能性，天长地久的爱情，也同样具有，和一夜情没啥不同。作为理直气壮的婊子，有些人会选择其中某些特定类型的亲密关系；在笔者看来，所有类型的亲密关系，都具有同样的潜力：让人从中有所成长，并带来身心触动；而最重要的一点，莫过于性快感。

Dossie remembers an interview with a young flower child back in 1967 who made the most succinct statement of ethical sluthood we’ve ever seen: “We believe it’s okay to have sex with anybody you love, and we believe in loving everybody.”

本书作者之一道茜，至今对一名“花童”嬉皮士，在1967年接受采访时的高论，念念不忘。那段话堪称最为言简意赅、理直气壮的婊子宣言：“我们认为，和你所爱的任何人性交都OK；我们认为，人人都有可爱之处。”

寻找另一半？你自己就是全部！

You Are Already Whole

Jane Austin wrote, “It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.” While we think Jane probably had her tongue firmly planted in her cheek, a great many people do believe that to be single is to be somehow incomplete and that they need to find their “other half”. A lot of the myths we mentioned in the previous section are based on that belief.

简·奥斯汀曾写道：“一个单身汉只要有了钱，肯定巴不得有个老婆，这是全世界公认的大实话。”在笔者看来，《傲慢与偏见》的作者显然是话里有话——人们大都认定，单身意味着某种意义上的“不完整”，所以每个人都需要找到自己的“另一半”。在上一章中，我们所列举的那些迷思，其中有很多，都植根于此。

We believe, on the other hand, that the fundamental unit of sex is one person; adding more people to that unit may be intimate, fun, and companionable but does not complete anybody. The only thing in this world that you can control is yourself—your own reactions, desires, and behaviors. Thus, a fundamental step in ethical sluthood is to bring your locus to control into yourself, to recognize the difference between your “stuff” and other people’s; when you do this, you become able to complete yourself—that’s why we call this “integrity”.

从另一个方面看，我们认为，唯有个体之人，才是性爱的最基本单元；一个人之外，有更多人加入，也许能带来亲昵、快乐和陪伴，但这不会让任何人“变得更完整”。在这个世界上，你唯一能够掌控的就是自己——包括以何种方式回应，究竟想要什么，到底该怎么做。由此可见，一项让婊子能够更加理直气壮的基本修炼，是加强对内在自我的掌控力，从而辨识出自己和其ta人的内在世界，有哪些不同。进行这项修炼，会使你成为身心完整的个体。

When you have built a satisfying relationship with yourself, then you have something of great worth to share with others.

当你和自己构建出一种圆满的关系，接下来，你就会拥有一些真正可贵的东西，能够和其ta人分享。

丰富的性爱，你可以实现

Abundance Is Entirely Available

Many people believe, explicitly or implicitly, that your capacities for romantic love, intimacy, and connection are finite, that there is never enough to go around, and that if you give some to one person, you must be taking some away from another.

很多人总会宣称（或者暗自在心里嘀咕）：“我们对爱与被爱的承载力，是有限度的；各种好东西的世间存量，都不足以普惠所有人；你给张三的东西，是你从李四或者王二麻子那里赢得的，换言之，所施和所获，此消彼长，总量守恒。”

We call this belief a “starvation economy”; we’ll talk much more about it later. Many of us learned to think this way in childhood, from parents who had little affection and attention for us, so we learned that there is only a limited amount of love in the world and we have to fight for whatever we get, often in cutthroat competition with our brothers and sisters.

笔者将上述的理念，称为“饥荒经济法则”——关于这点，稍后还将有更多探讨。我们当中的很多人，从小就习得了从“饥荒经济法则”出发的思考方式。当父母没有很多精力照看我们，我们便认定：世界上的爱是有限的，需要按照优胜劣汰的残酷法则，和兄弟姐妹们竞抢；我们想要的其他东西，也普遍遵循此理。

People who operate from starvation economies can become very possessive about the people, things, and ideas that matter to them. They see the whole world in that limited light, so that everything they get comes from a small pool of not-enough and must thus be taken from someone else—and, similarly, anything anyone else gets must be subtracted from them.

以“饥荒经济法则”为人处世者，无论对其ta人、对物品，还是对自认为重要的理念，都充满占有欲。他们以鼠目寸光的视野，来看待这个世界，以至在他们看来，自己所拥有的一切，都是在处处稀缺的大环境下，通过战胜别人而抢到手的；同理，别人所拥有的一切，也都意味着对自己的掠夺。

It is important to distinguish between starvation economies and real-world limits. Time, for example, is a real-world limit; even the most dedicated slut has only twenty-four hours every day. Love is not a real-world limit; the mother of nine children can love each of them as much as the mother of an only child.

把想象中的“饥荒经济法则”，和存在于现实世界的稀缺，区分开来讨论，是非常重要的。例如时间，是现实世界的稀缺品：即使最铁杆的婊子，每天也只有24小时。爱，则并非现实世界的稀缺品。一个有9个孩子的妈妈，对其中每个孩子的爱，可以和另一个妈妈对自己唯一孩子的爱，一样的浓厚。

Our belief is that the human capacity for sex and love and intimacy is far greater than most people think—probably infinite—and that having a lot of satisfying connections simply make it possible for you to have a lot more. Imagine what would feel like to live in an abundance of sex and love, to feel that you had all of both that you could possibly want, free of any feeling of deprivation of neediness. Imagine how strong would feel if you got exercise your “love muscles” that much, and how much love you would have to give!

笔者的信念是：人类对性、对爱、对亲密的承载能力，远远超出大多数人的设想，或许是无限的；当你已经拥有很多令自己满意的亲密关系，这个现状，能够让你继续获得更多性福良缘。想想看，拥有丰富多彩的性趣和爱情，性和爱都可以尽情追寻并且触手可及，生活将是何种滋味。想想看：如果爱与被爱的能力，像肌肉一样，在多次锻炼中不断强化，你的这种能力，将变得何等强大；有多少爱，可以对外发散、给予更多人！

开放关系：可以是药，绝不是病

Openness Can Be the Solution, Not the Problem

Is sex adventurousness simply a way to avoid intimacy? Not ordinarily, in our experience. While it is certainly possible to misuse your outside relationships to avoid problems or intimacy with your life partner, we do not agree that this pattern is inevitable or even common. Many people, in fact, find that their outside relationships can increase their intimacy with their primary partner by reducing the pressures on that relationship and by giving them a safe place to discuss issues that may have them feeling “stuck” in the primary relationship.

放荡不羁，就是对亲密关系的逃避？笔者的亲身经验是：此言差矣！虽说这样做的人难免会有——通过外遇，来逃避和老伴儿之间的情感问题，这当然是外遇的错误玩法——但并非必然，也不是普遍情况。事实上，很多有外遇的人，和老伴儿之间的感情反而得到改善、变得更加亲密，因为外遇成为一种泄压阀，让很多长期难以和老伴儿沟通、一直憋在心里的话题，有了可以倾诉出来的安全空间。

This chapter contains some of our beliefs. You get to have beliefs of your own. What matters to us is not that you agree with us, but that you question the prevailing paradigm and decide for yourself what you believe. Exercise your judgment—isn’t exercise supposed to make you stronger? Thousands and thousands of ethical sluts are proving every day that the old “everybody knows” myths don’t have to be true.

本章包含了笔者的一些理念。你也要建立自己的三观。我们最期待的，不是让你同意我们的观点，而是你能够对“大家普遍如此”的社会主流规范有所质疑，并自主决定“相信什么”。锻炼你的判断力——除了多多练习，还有什么方法，能让你变得更加强大？成千上万的婊子，都以自己的经历，理直气壮地表明，那些“众所周知”的旧有观念，往往未必靠谱。

We encourage you to explore your own realities and create your own legend, one that spurs you onward in your evolution, supports you as you grow, and reflects your pride and happiness in your new-found relationships.

笔者鼓励你，去探索属于你本人的多元现实，去创造属于你自己的精彩篇章——其中的每个闪亮点滴，都激励你在自我进化的道路上继续前行，帮助你不断成长，并在你新建立的亲密关系里，映照出你的自豪与喜乐。

第3章 婊子的节操，我们的信条