第4章 婊子万众，各有千秋
CHAPTER FOUR Slut Styles
ETHECAL SLUTHOOD is a house with a lot of rooms: it shelters everyone from happy celibates to ecstatic orgiasts and beyond. In this chapter, we’ll talk about the many styles of sluthood that have worked for us, for the people we know, and for happy sluts throughout history. Whether or not any of these scenarios fit you, we hope they will offer you some ideas about where to start your exploration, or perhaps the validation of knowing that there are others like you out there.
普天之下，理直气壮的婊子，多得海了去。如果对ta们进行概述，那就像一栋大宅院，宅院里有很多风格各异的独立房间：有人渴慕肉欲，也有人超凡脱俗，但每个人都有属于自己的一个独立房间。在这一章里，我们将探讨形形色色的婊子生活方式。这些生活方式都是切实可行、幸福快乐的，其中有的源于笔者本人，有的源于熟人朋友，还有的源于历史人物。笔者所列举的这些活法儿，无论是否适合你，都期待你能藉此开启自我探索之门。说不定，你还会发觉：在其他地方，有和我一样的人！
非主流亲密关系的先行者们
Section titled “非主流亲密关系的先行者们”Relationship Pioneers
Although the phrase “ethical slut” is new—Dossie coined it in 1995—the practice is not. Cultural acceptance of practices outside monogamy has roller-coastered up and down from acceptance to stern rejection, but regardless of the opinions of church and state there have always been those who have found happiness and growth in sexual openness.
“理直气壮的婊子”，这是一个新词儿，是本书的作者之一道茜在1995年提出的，然而，配得上这个头衔的人，自古就有很多。针对专偶制以外的其他种种实践，社会文化的容许程度，像过山车一样忽上忽下，在接纳和排斥之间，摇摆、震荡。但古往今来，无论教会和官府的态度如何，都总会有一些人，能够在开放的性关系中，获得性福喜乐，和个人提升。
古代社会文化
Section titled “古代社会文化”ANCIENT CULTURES
You should spend you life as a cultural anthropologist trying to describe the innumerable ways that human being have chosen to be together sexually, romantically, and domestically—from the temple prostitutes of ancient Babylon to Mormon polygyny and far, far beyond. So, rather than trying to list them all, we just want to note that the prevailing cultural values that twenty-first-century North America inherited from Europe seem to date back to the Roman empire, and to early Christianity, which recommended monogamous marriage only for those who couldn’t manage celibacy, the ideal state. Cultures without those influences have developed all sorts of ways for people to bond—polygyny (many wives), polyandry (many husbands), group marriage, arrangements in which marriage is fundamentally a domestic business relationship and sexual dalliance takes place elsewhere, ritual group sex, and pretty much any other configuration of human hearts and genitals that you can imagine.
在文化人类学领域，有汗牛充栋的资料表明，人类在性爱互动、营造浪漫、共建家庭等方面，古往今来所涌现出的做法，多得不胜枚举。古巴比伦时代，所有女人无论出身尊卑，都要在寺庙里充当一段时间的妓女；而摩门教徒，则长期实行一夫多妻。此外还有其他很多五花八门的做法。笔者不想再作更多列举，只想强调一点：在21世纪初的当今，美国所盛行的主流文化价值观，来源于欧洲；而欧洲的文化，可以追溯到古罗马帝国，尤其是早期的基督教会。早期的基督教会将独身视为最理想状态，而一夫一妻制，是针对那些无法做到守活寡一辈子的信徒，所给予的妥协通融。 【早期的基督教，把人间所有的性爱和亲密关系，都视为毒害灵魂的海洛因；而政教合一之下的一夫一妻制，相当于为广大“无力戒毒者”，在依法严格管控的前提下，所提供的“美沙酮”替代品——如此意译更佳。——译者 】 然而除了上述的基督教文化之外，在全世界的其他很多地方，还有很多不受上述因素影响的社会文化，也在生根发芽、繁衍流变。古往今来，人际之间“性结合”的模式，多种多样，如一夫多妻制、一妻多夫制、多夫多妻制（群婚）、无关性爱的搭伴过日子，并允许在家门之外各自寻求性快餐、基于宗教习俗的群交……以及其他在“人类心灵+生殖器”之间，五花八门的搭配方式，你懂的！
乌托邦式的性爱社区
Section titled “乌托邦式的性爱社区”UTOPIAN SEXUAL COMMUNITIES
History is dotted with experiences in creating intentional sexual utopias, often with a philosophical or religious basis: if you’re curious, read up on the Oneida community of nineteenth-century Ohio; Rajneeshpuram in India from the late 1960s and Oregon in the 1980s; and Kerista in New York, Belize, and San Francisco from the early 1960s through the 1990s…to name just a few. Such communities are usually just built by one leader and may falter when the leader is no longer available. However, their philosophies live on, adding new versions and practices to the mainstream culture. Many practitioners of Western tantra today, for example, can trace their practice to the teaching of Osho, the guiding spirit behind Rajneeshpuram.
创造“性爱乌托邦”的蓄意试探，星罗棋布遍及人类历史的各个时代、各个角落，其中有很多，都基于某种哲学或宗教。如果你对此好奇，不妨去研读关于以下内容的文献——例如19世纪俄亥俄州的“奥奈达社区”；例如当代印度教派的性爱灵修公社（始于1960年代末，在1980年代流传到美国俄勒冈州）；例如1960-1990年代之间，在纽约、巴利萨和旧金山等城市均有出现的新兴宗教公社Kerista……以上列举的，只是其中的一小部分。此类性爱社区，往往由单一的领导者创建，一旦该领导者不复存在，社区就会随之垮掉。然而，此类社区的很多理念，都为主流文化注入了新鲜血液，由此长存不息。当代西方的“谭崔”（Tantra），其中很多践行者或曰修行人，都认为其性爱实践，传承了奥修（Osho，1931-1990）及其教派的思想精髓。
艺术家，和自由思想者
Section titled “艺术家，和自由思想者”ARTISTS AND FREETHINKERS
It’s easy to point to artists and writers who have built their lives around intentional exploration of alternative relationships. If you’re curious about the ways in which alternative relationship played out in times you can read up the Bloomsbury group in early nineteenth-century England, and freethinkers like George Sand, H. G. Wells, Simone de Beauvoir, Alfred Kinsey, and Edna St. Vincent Millay. What we can’t know is how many nonwriters were also building the kind of sexually open lives that worked for them, because the are no records of such lives. We feel safe in supposing, though, that a significant minority of people have always gotten their needs met through ethical multipartner living.
众所周知，不少艺人、作家等，都在其生活中，更加随心所欲地尝试着“非主流”的亲密关系。如果你好奇“在缺乏外在支持的时代，艺术家们究竟如何建构非主流的亲密关系”，不妨检索下20世纪初英国的“布鲁姆斯伯里文化圈” 【the Broomsbury Group，以思想超前著称的剑桥精英沙龙。这个圈子，活跃于1906年到1920年代，其中不乏同性之间的恋爱，以及圈内人之间纵横交错的亲密关系；集女权主义者和杰出文人于一身的弗吉尼亚·伍尔芙，是这个圈子的灵魂人物。——译者注 】 ，以及下列的自由思想者：乔治·桑（1804-1876）、赫伯特·乔治·威尔斯（1866-1946）、西蒙娜·德·波伏娃（1908-1986）、性学家阿尔弗雷德·金赛（1894-1956），和埃德娜·圣·文森特·米蕾（1892-1950）。除此之外，肯定还有很多先人，也同样摸索出了属于自己的开放性爱与生活之路，但由于未能留下文字，没有对其生活的记录，因此我辈后人就无从知晓。我们尽可放胆断言：那些处于人口少数、却又格外令人瞩目的先行者们，在多性伴侣和自我满足的生涯中，普遍活得理直气壮、问心无愧。
“爱的一代”
Section titled ““爱的一代””THE LOVE GENERATION
Dossie came of age surrounded by utopian concepts of the 1960s, and Janet shortly afterward; both of us have been influenced greatly in our thinking and our lives by those days of radical exploration. Many ideal of that era—nonconformity, exploration of altered states of consciousness, equality of race and gender, ecological awareness, political activism, openness about sexuality, and yes, the probabilities of ethical and loving nonmonogamy—have permeated the greater culture. We very much doubt that we could have written this book or published it in the 1950s, so if you’re reading and enjoying The Ethical Slut today, thank a hippie.
本书的两位作者，道茜，和年龄略小的珍妮特，都成长于各种乌托邦理念遍地盛行的1960年代。那个时代的种种激进探索，对我俩的思想观念和人生道路，都影响深远。那个时代的很多理想——拥抱非主流、对超常精神状态的探究、种族平权和多元性别的平权、与自然环境和谐共处的生态理念、走出书斋走上街头的政治行动、广义而全面的性开放、是的，还有既理直气壮、又柔情似水的“非一夫一妻制”——都渗入了社会文化的方方面面。假如是在1950年代，这本书能否有人写出、能否顺利出版，恐怕都很悬。所以，当你欣然阅读本书时，向所有的嬉皮士道声谢吧！
SLUTHOOD TODAY
Sluts come in all the various forms and styles that humans come in: men and women in all cultures, from all parts of the world, of all religions and lifestyles, rich and poor, with formal or informal education.
各色各样的人群之中，会涌现出各色各样的婊子：所有文化背景下的男男女女，全世界的每一个角落，所有的宗教信仰和生活方式，无论贫穷还是富有，是否受过正规教育。
Most of us today live in communities of nonsluts, with only occasional or limited contact with other people who share our values: some groups hold conferences or conventions to mitigate isolation and expend their members’ intimate circles. These conferences are very important in bringing sexual undergrounds into the view of those who are looking for them and building institutions aboveground that can better support their members. Other sluts drop out of mainstream culture to some extent to live in communities composed of people whose sexuality is like their own. San Francisco’s Castro district is a good example of modern urban “ghetto” for sexual minorities.
我们当中的大多数人，都生活在外表道貌岸然的“普通人群”之中，偶尔遇到有共同语言的“同类”，是难得的奇遇。一些“婊子小团体”，其成员经常聚会，彼此打破隔阂，寻找更多合适的人，扩大自己的密友圈子。这类聚会的关键作用，在于能让很多同道中人“找到组织”，还可以建立一些公开的同道互助机构。也有些婊子，刻意和主流的社会文化保持距离，只和与自己在性生活上类似的人一起生活。在加州旧金山，号称“彩虹之都”的卡斯特罗街，是性少数人群在当代大城市，建立专属社区的一个杰出典范。
A slut living in mainstream, monogamy-centrist culture in the twenty-first century can learn a great deal from studying other cultures, other places, and other times: you’re not the only one in the world who had ever tried this, it can work, others have done it without harming themselves, their lovers, their kids—without, in fact, doing anything except enjoying themselves and each other.
在21世纪的当今，一个生活在专偶制主流文化之下的婊子，可以从不同的文化、不同的地方、不同的场合，见识到很多不一样的事物，从而感受到：我并非另类；我的活法儿完全没问题；很多其ta人，早就活得比我更浪更骚，但ta们既没有遭受“恶报”，也没有伤害到情侣和孩子。说实在的，索性做个婊子，除了让每个人都能更爽，再无其他任何影响。
Pioneering sexual subcultures with extensive documented and undocumented histories include communities of gay men and lesbian women, transgender groups, bisexuals, the leather communities, the swing communities, and some spiritually defined subcultures of pagans, modern primitives, and Radical Fairies. And that’s just in the United States. Even if you don’t belong to any of these sexually oriented communities, it’s worth taking a look at them for what they can teach us about our own options as they develop ways of being sexual, ways of communicating about being sexual, and ways of living in social and family structures that are alternative to sex-negative traditions in America.
那些领先于时代的“性亚文化”——有些留下了文字记录，有些虽无文字记录但也同样影响力深广——涵盖了男同、男同、跨儿、双性恋、皮革恋、“换偶”或曰“共偶”等社群。此外，也包含了一些基于精神观念层面的亚文化，如异教徒、现代复古主义者、“激进妖精” 【Radical Faeries，美国的一个酷儿团体，始于1970年代，其中很多人对异性恋亲密关系模式，持全盘否定的态度。——译者注 】 。以上这些，都是在美国。即使你和上述的这些社群，都素昧平生，也很值得走进去感受一下，从他们那里，我们能够学到很多——包括如何为性爱铺路搭桥、创造机会，如何就和性有关的话题进行交流，以及，如何为自己营造一个不同于主流文化的社交圈子和家庭框架（美国主流文化，有着对性持贬低态度的传统）。
Dossie’s favorite dance club in 1970 was a remarkable miniculture of polymorphous perversity. She remembers:
本书作者之一道茜，在1970年最喜欢去的舞厅，就是一个混杂着各种多元文化的“藏污纳垢之地”。她如此回忆道：
The Omni, short for “omnisexual”, was a small North Beach bar whose patrons were men and women, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and often transgendered. The sexual values were very open, from hippie free-love freaks to sex industry professionals, and most of us came there to dance like wild women and cruise like crazy.
那个位于北滩、名叫“大杂烩”（Omni）的小酒吧，它的名字，来自“泛性恋” 【Omnisexual，是在Pansexual一词普及之前的流行说法——译者注 】 的简称。其光顾者，形形色色，有男有女，有直有弯，男同女同和双性恋者都有，还有为数更多的跨性别者。其性价值观非常开放，无论倡导性爱自由、打扮怪异的嬉皮士，还是以此为生的性产业人员（如性工作者、脱衣舞演员、色情品创作人等），都广泛包容于其中。我们大家聚在一起，像疯婆子一样肆意跳舞，如色情狂一般纵情猎艳。
Thanks to the large transgender faction, there was no way of pigeon-holing the person you were cruising into your categories of desire. You might dance with someone you found very attractive and not know if they were chromosomally male or female. It’s difficult to get attached to preference like lesbian or straight when you don’t know the gender of the person you are flirting with.
拜众多跨儿所赐，在那个场合里，你根本无法对你正在勾搭的人，按照自己的性欲望类型（性取向等），来进行“分门别类”。那个让你充满性趣的舞伴儿，你可能猜不出ta“基于染色体而被指派的”所谓“性别”，到底是“男”还是“女”。当你正在性冲冲地勾搭某个人，却不晓得此人的性别时，你自己到底是直还是弯，是不是同性恋，也就变得无从定论。
This may sound crazy, but the results were surprising: I patronized the Omni because it was the safest environment available to me. Because there was no way to make assumptions, people had to treat each other with respect. No one could assume what kind of interaction might interest the object of their attention, so there was nothing to do but ask. And if you were, as I was, a young woman in your twenties, to be approached with respect was a most welcome relief from straight social environment where it was customary for men to prove their manhood by coming on too strong, evidently in the belief that women who cruise in singles bars have problems with virginal shyness and don’t mean “no” when they say it. The Omni provided my first experiences with true respect.
这种事，听来或许有些狗血，但其中包含着很多令人惊喜的结果：我光顾“大杂烩”酒吧，因为这里是我所能够得到的安全空间，让我能够放开了做自己。同时也因为这里，谁都无法对其ta人作出任何预设（比如先入为主地认定某个人是女同，某个人是直男等），彼此之间由此实现了平等，也相互之间顺理成章的充分尊重、接纳。既然谁都拿不准应该以怎样的方式进行互动，才能让吸引到自己中意的目标之人，那么，相互之间就唯有主动询问。如果你也和当时的我一样，是个二十来岁的女生，在这种相互尊重的环境下，想必也会倍感放松、舒适。因为这里截然不同于异性恋主导的社会环境，男人无须刻意作出“大男子”姿态，来证明自己有多“爷们儿”，女生也不用担心“自己口头上的拒绝，并不等于对方能够实际认可的拒绝”，不用担心no means no是无效的诉求，所以，尽可独自一人毫无顾忌地光顾这个酒吧。“大杂烩”让我第一次体会到了真正被尊重的滋味。
Since we see some problems in attaining a free and open expression of our own individual sexuality as having to do with living in a sex-role-bound culture, we have found it useful to learn from people who have shifted the boundaries of what it means to be male or female, or what it means to choose partners of the same or opposite sex. Thinking about different ways of living and loving can help us as we consider whether we want to change anything about how we go about living as men and women, or somewhere in between.
我们依然生活在“性角色分明”、充满同性恋异性恋等分类标签，并且男女刻板二分的社会环境下；而且，当我们想要对自己和“性”有关的林林总总，进行自由而开放的表达时，依然会有各种障碍。但即便如此，我们也已经发现，已经有些人，将“男人什么样，女人什么样”的规则，和同性恋与异性恋的分野，不断进行反转和解构——从这样的人身上，我们可以学到很多实用的干货。设想不同的生活方式和爱情模式，能让我们对自己的性别表达方式，有所思考，有所疑问，或许还将有所变革；除了决然的男女二分，还有广袤的中间地带，可供探索和选择。
LESBIAN WOMEN
In the lesbian community, we get to look at what happens in a world consisting almost entirely of women. For women, relationship can get confused with their sense of identity, especially since our culture in its most traditional form hardly allows women any sense of identity at all. Thus, many women act as if they would lose their entire sense of themselves without their relationship. The most common relationship sequence, as we see it magnified in the lesbian community, is the form of nonmonogamy known as serial monogamy. Often the connection to the partner of the future precedes the breakup with the partner of the past, with accompanying drama that presumably feel safer than the vast, empty, unknown, and terrifying identity void of being a woman living as a single human being.
接下来，让我们来看一看，在女同社群里，也就是一个几乎完全由女人构成的世界，究竟会发生些什么。对众多女人而言，往往会把自己的亲密关系，和对自我的身份认同，混为一谈。这主要是因为我们长期耳濡目染的社会文化，往往不支持女人建立仅仅属于自己的身份认同感。这导致很多女人，一旦没有了亲密关系，就仿佛魂不守舍、迷失了自我。而在女同性恋的社群里，有一种被放大的“常见关系模式”——在和前任伴侣的关系并未完全破裂时，便和后一任伴侣勾搭上了。它并非多边关系，而是“序列性的（伪）一对一模式”，以确保身边的“单一伴侣”绝不能“空窗”。其背后，是一个颇有戏剧性的预设：一旦成为一个单身女人，自我认同就会化作一片虚无，陷入失落、迷惘和恐惧。
Younger lesbians are questioning these traditions, and often that questioning includes looking into nonmonogamy as a way to form less insular relationships. Lesbian polyamory is characterized by a lot of serious thoughtfulness and attention to consensuality, and thus to tremendous openness about processing feelings, an area in which the women’s community excels.
上述的“社群传统”，为年轻一代的女同所质疑。她们的质疑，包含着一种探索：不但想要非一对一的亲密关系，而且，还要让自己的亲密关系，不要像个全封闭的闷罐，不要仅限于固定不变的几个人。这样的女同，相互之间的多边恋，其典型特征是：处处考虑得非常周全，更注重“协商一致、不被强迫”，进而营造出一个开放度极高的情感交流环境，一个优质到出类拔萃（和女同之外的其他群体、其他社群相比）的安全空间。
Our lesbian sisters also have a lot of to teach us about new ways of developing a woman’s role as sexual initiator. In heterosexual culture, men have been assigned the job of initiator, and men are trained to be sexually aggressive, sometimes to a fault. In the world of women who relate sexually to other women, it rapidly becomes apparent that if we all see ourselves as Sleeping Beauties waiting for Princess Charming to come along and wake us up, we also might get to wait a hundred years. Or else we need to learn to do something new—to meet the eye, touch the shoulder, move in a little closer, or just plain blurt out, “I think you’re really attractive; would you like to talk?”
和我们情同姐妹的女同志们，就“女人如何去做性爱的主动发起者”，有很多非比寻常的牛逼干货，从中能够给予我们不少启迪，或者说，我们尽可以抄她们的作业。在异性恋的文化中，男人被默认为性爱的主动发起者，并且被调教（通过刻意培养、潜移默化和行为鼓励等）得经常具有“一根鸡巴往里戳”的攻击性，其攻击性有时会失控暴走，超出可容忍的限度。然而，反观一群相互寻求性福的女人，如果都各自期待有个风度翩翩的王子前来，一吻而唤醒自己，那么，每个人都难免像睡美人一样，先要独守空枕苦等上百年。如果不想如此，就唯有学会一些全新的方式——眉目传情、勾肩搭背、亲近示好，或者直截了当地说：“我觉得你真的好可爱，你愿意和我聊聊吗？”
Women’s style of coming on—when shyness doesn’t get in the way—tends to be forthright, with respect for consent, and is unlikely to be intrusive or pushy, as many women had a little too much experience with being violated to want to go down the road. Women have strong concerns about safety and so tend to move slowly and announce their intentions. They may be shy in the seductive stages, and bolder once welcome has been secured. Women tend to want explicit permission for each specific act, so their communication could serve as an excellent role model for negotiated consensuality.
当羞涩的心魔路障，被不断清除，女人之间的情爱进展，往往非常坦诚、直率，并且充分尊重彼此的性同意边界，一般不会出现“霸王硬上弓”，罕有“霸道总裁”作风。在性爱过程中遭受暴力支配，是很多女人都曾历经多次的遭遇。为此，女人普遍对个人安全，有着强烈的顾虑，宁愿从相识到上床的过程，进展得不要太急，并期待能够向对方明确说出自己的意愿，就自己想要什么、不想要什么，达成共识。在试图吸引意中人的开始阶段，女人也许会羞怯，然而一旦确定对方也中意自己，就会明显放开，变得大胆起来。针对交往之中的每一个具体举动，女人都渴望得到清晰明确的承诺，所以女人之间的交往，经常堪称“协商同意原则”在现实操作中的绝佳典范。
We would like to draw your attention to another illuminating difference about sex between women. A sexual encounter between two women rarely involves the expectation of simultaneous orgasm, as many people believe penis-vagina intercourse should, so women have become experts at taking turns. Lesbians are world-class experts on sensuality and outercourse, those wonderful forms of sexuality that do not rely on penis penetration. When penetration is desired, the focus is on what works for the recipient: we have yet to meet a dildo that got hung up on its own needs.
女人之间的性爱，还有一个鲜明的特点，笔者在此向你裂墙推荐。两个女人做爱，往往能够很好地相互满足，轮流服务彼此，轮流享受快感，而非像很多人所自以为是的“阴茎-阴道”性爱那样，执著于（所谓的）“双方同时达到高潮”。对于灵肉交织的感官刺激，和非插入式的性快感互动，很多女同志都堪称天下第一等的实干家，她们之间有很多美妙的性爱方式，根本用不着阴茎插入。就算想要插入，也会聚焦于接受者的性口味——我们从没见过有哪个“角先生”（dildo，假鸡巴），像直男一样，只图让自己爽，不考虑被插入的对方。
For those of you, female or male or gay or straight, who haven’t considered these options, think of all the fun you could have with never a worry about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases!
如果你不是女同，无论你的性别和性取向——男与女也好，弯或直也罢——都不妨想想看：当意外怀孕和性传播疾病的风险不复存在，此乐何极！
GAY MEN
The gay male community reflects some of the traditional images of male sexuality in intensified form. While some gay men are indeed interested in long-term relationships and settling down, many have set records as world-class sluts. The gay baths are the ultimate role model of friendly group sex environments and easy sexual connection for its own sake.
在男同社群，在和“性”有关的各方面事物中，一些传统的男性外在气质，往往格外突出。确有一些男同，渴求长期稳定的亲密关系，期待与固定的伴侣踏实度日；还有很多男同，则堪称不断刷新世界纪录的超级婊子。在友好的聚众淫乱，和麻利的性爱沟通上，男同浴室是个绝佳的典范。 【将group sex翻译成“聚众淫乱”，是基于这国特色：刑法301条，专门针对群交进行惩处（这当然是恶法）。在本书语境下，婊子是褒义词，是荣誉称号，“聚众淫乱”当然也是需要被反转的污名，它理当成为性解放者和热爱自由者的勋章。——译者 】
Dossie learned her group sex etiquette from gay men and is glad she did. We both, in fact, have always identified strongly with gay men: Dossie sees herself as a drag queen trapped in a woman’s body, and Janet calls herself a “girlfag”, a gay man who happens to have breasts and vagina. This may not really be too surprising, since the gay male community has always modeled sluttery for the rest of us admire and, perhaps, emulate.
本书作者之一道茜，从很多男同那里，了解到了如何参与聚众淫乱，也就是群交，这对她而言是一场美妙的经历。我们两只（本书的两作者）都有不少gay蜜，彼此厮混在一起。道茜觉得自己骨子里是个男跨女的变装女王，至于外在的“顺性别女儿身”，不过是一副灵魂所附的皮囊。另一位作者珍妮特，以“girlfag”自诩，这个词的意思，是“拥有乳房和阴道的男同”。您别觉得这有啥奇怪，在男同社群里，经常出现某些人是“别样花魁”、性爱经历有多牛逼之类的传言，令其ta人羡慕，乃至效仿。
Gay male sex, as a rule, starts from a presumption of equal power, without the dynamic of overpowerment and withholding that often pervades male/female interactions. Thus, men do not generally try to get consent from each other by manipulation and pressuring: connection is more commonly made by a gentle approach, meeting a gentle response, and no need to ask three times. Gay men give each other a lot of credit for being able to say no, and for meaning it when they say it—this makes coming on very simple, since you are never trying to sneak up on anybody and you are not required to be subtle. It is always okay to ask as long as it is okay for the other person to say no. This straight-forward and admirably simple approach to consensuality cannot be recommended too highly.
男同志之间的性爱，从一开始，就以双方处于平等地位为准则——这迥异于男女之间，性爱从一开始，就常常是一方强势进攻、另一方半推半就地顺从。也正因为如此，男同之间的性爱，往往不大会以操控和施压，来促使对方“同意”。一般来说，男人之间的性情联结，靠的是温柔的追求，和温柔的回应，通常也比较明确和直接（行就是行，不行就是不行），无需三次以上的死缠烂打。男同会给予彼此很大的信任，相互均可提出拒绝，说什么就意味着什么——这使得性爱的进展非常简单，根本用不着对谁玩弄心机。只要他可以拒绝，你就可以问他任何问题。对如此直截了当、牛逼到家的性协商方式——获得性同意的途径——我们极力推荐。
Men in general have had less reason to fear sexual violation than their sisters. Although it is true, and terrible, that boys do get molested and men do get raped, men seem to have more confidence than women in their power to protect themselves. Men also tend to get a lot of cultural support for being sexual. So although the forbiddenness of homosexuality may give many gay men a lot of questions about being okay, or having something wrong with them, or other forms of internalized homophobia, this is most often not reflected in sexual dysfunction. Gay men as a group are really good at exploring, and finding out, what feels good to them.
和女人相比，男人对遭遇性侵的风险，远远没有那么多担忧。尽管有不少男童遭到性骚扰，有不少男性遭到性侵害，案情同样令人震惊，但是，男人往往对“我有自我保护的力量”，有着明显高于女人的迷之自信。在社会文化层面，男人的性行为，和女人相比，确实有着更为深厚的支持因素。诚然，同性恋的社会禁忌，让不少男同志怀疑自己“有罪错”，从而造成种种身心困扰，或者以其他某种形式，将“恐同”内化。但是，以上种种顾虑、困扰和形形色色的恐同，都绝少会被纳入“性障碍”（sexual dysfunction）的病理化范畴。普遍而言，男同群体很善于自我探索，善于找到让自己感到身心舒适的途径。
And it is gay men who have established most of our understanding of safer sex. In the face of AIDS epidemic, where many people might have retreated into sex-negativism, the gay community held its ground and continued to create environments where hot, creative, safer sex could be learned and practiced.
而且，绝大部分“安全性行为”知识，也源于男同的探索和积累。面对艾滋瘟疫，一些直人陷入对性爱的消极否定；而男同则并没有畏缩不前，他们不断探寻更加热烈、新奇，并且更加安全的性爱方式，不断开拓新的可行空间。
BISEXUAL
Often stigmatized as “gays unwilling to relinquish heterosexual privilege” or “hets taking a walk on the wild side”, bisexuals have recently begun developing their own forceful voice and their own communities.
双性恋者经常背负着“明明就是同性恋，却又不肯放弃异性恋特权”的骂名，或者被视为“找同性恋猎奇的异性恋者”。但即使如此，双性恋者也已着手创建了自己的社群，发出强有力的声音。
Looking at the theory and practice of bisexual lifestyles offers opportunities to explore our assumptions about the nature of sexual and romantic attraction and behaviors. Some folks have had sex only with members of one gender, but know that they have within themselves the ability to connect erotically or emotionally with both genders, and thus consider themselves bisexual—while others may be actively having sex with the gender opposite their usual choice, and still consider themselves heterosexual or gay. Some bisexuals prefer one type of interaction with men and another with women, while others consider themselves gender-blind. Some can be sexual with either sex but romantic with only one, or vice versa. And so on, through all the spectrums of bisexual attractions and choices. Bisexuals challenge a lot of our assumptions about gender, and many bi’s can tell you what is different for them between sex with a woman and sex with a man. This interesting and privileged information can provide all of us with new stories about sex and gender.
关于双性恋的生活方式，读点相关的理论，或者了解一点此中实情，就能让我们打开另外的很多扇门——我们针对性吸引、浪漫感和性行为，在“本质”层面的种种预设，都足以被颠覆，代之以多元多样、无穷无尽的探索。有些伙伴，虽然截至目前的性爱对象，都只限于某一个性别的人，但是，ta们认定自己和男人与女人，都有可能建立情感联结，或者性欲望的联结，于是，ta们的自我认同是双性恋。还有与之截然相反的另一类人——自认为是同性恋，但也没少和异性做爱；或者自认为是异性恋，却也没少和同性做爱。有些双性恋者，和男人做爱，或者和女人做爱，各有一套不同的风格；还有些双性恋者，自认为是“性别盲” 【gender blind，即：根本不在意你是什么性别，只看重你在性别之外的一些特质，是否符合自己的性口味。本书的译者就是这样，如果一个看上去很帅气的“小哥哥”有阴道，或者一个看上去很漂亮的“小姐姐”有阴茎，对我来说无所谓，我都有可能会喜欢——译者注 】 有些双性恋者，只和某一个性别的人才有可能发生性关系，和另一个性别的人，则只限于浪漫。以上说列举的，也只是双性恋者的一小部分；不同个体的性吸引和性选择，有着丰富多样的特征，就像多彩的光谱。很多大家普遍认可的“性别”观念，在双性恋者面前，都不再适用。在不少双性恋者看来，和男人做爱或者和女人做爱，不同感受各有千秋。这些既有趣又鲜为人知的情形，能够让大众对“性”与“性别”的理解，更为丰富、鲜活。
The increasing visibility of bisexuality has led to some challenges to traditional definitions of sexual identity. Specifically, we are having to look at the fact that our sexual attractions may say one thing about us, while our sexual behaviors say another, and our sexual identity says yet a third. Questions like these are eating away at some of traditional boundaries we place around sexual identity, much to the dismay of purists of all orientations. Your authors, sluts that we are, enjoy this kind of fluidity and appreciate the opportunity to play as we like with whoever looks good to us without relinquishing our fundamental sexual identities.
越来越多的双性恋者和ta们的故事，不断进入公众视野，这也让“性身份”或曰“性取向认同”（sexual identity）的常规定义，受到了不少挑战。具体来说，就是我们由此看到这样一个事实：某个人所自我认同的“性取向”，和实际发生的“性行为”，以及可能受到怎样的“性吸引”，三者可能“各说各话”，彼此大不相同。那些基于“性身份”的传统边界，所导致的疑虑，也可以在“自我认同是一套，实际行为是另一套”的事实中，得以模糊、消弭。这一点，也令清教徒圣崽们，一直颇为忧虑。你们的两位作者——都是毫无疑问的婊子——对这种“流动性”喜闻乐见；对其中能够让我们自得其乐的方便之门，充满感恩。我们不用放弃最基本的自我认同，但同样可以享受多种多样的性福。 【我曾遇到经常和男人玩SM的男子，他的自我认同一直是异性恋；他没有打破自己心中对“同性恋”这一身份符号的排斥，但这并不妨碍他享受到某些事实上的同性之间性行为，并乐此不疲。——译者注 】
Janet’s path towards her current identity as a bisexual has been a confusing one: it was near a decade after she began having sex with women before she began to feel comfortable using the term to describe herself.
本书作者之一珍妮特，当下的自我认同是双性恋者，而她在步入目前状况的路上，也曾有过困惑。当她能够坦然、欣然地声称自己是“双性恋”时，距离她开始和女人做爱，已有十年之久。以下是珍妮特的自述：
I felt turned off by the trendiness of “bisexual chic”, and under some pressure to claim an identity that didn’t feel right to me. And at the same time, I was hearing some genuinely cruel judgments from both heterosexuals and homosexuals about bi’s.
曾有一段时期，“双性恋风尚”流行，而那时候的我，却对此毫无兴趣，甚至避之不及；双性恋的身份标签，其实于我并不真正符合，但我又不敢坦言。与此同时，我也听到很多同性恋者和异性恋者，都对双性恋者，有着极其刻毒的评判。
Add to that the difficulty I was having sorting out my own feelings—I knew my feelings toward women were different from those toward men, and I wasn’t sure what that meant—and things just got very confusing. As a result, it wasn’t until I knew for sure that I was capable of having both sexual and romantic feelings toward both men and women—and until I felt strong enough to claim the identity in the face of all those negative judgments—that I finally began calling myself “bisexual”.
带着这些为难之处，我逐渐厘清了自己的感受。我意识到，我对男人和对女人的性趣感受，是明显不一样的；但二者分别是怎样的感受，区别在那里，我也说不清楚。那么，我到底想找男人还是女人，想要怎样的性生活？我同样说不清。后来，我终于能够说清楚了：我意识到，我对男人或女人，都有可能发生性趣，都可能产生浪漫情愫；并且，我的内心已经强大到可以无视外界的负面评判。至此，我才开始以“双性恋者”自居。
I look back on my life now and see that I’ve generally expressed my domestic urges towards men but that my romantic and sexual feelings are about equally likely to be inspired by a man, a woman, or someone in between. The bisexual community also offers some support than either straight-land or gay-land for my rather ambiguous gender presentation: some days I like to wear red lipstick and heels and other days men’s trousers and oxfords. So “bisexual” is the identity that fits me best, and where I expect to stay.
如今，回顾我的平生，可以这样概述：无论男人、女人，还是性别气质介于男女之间的人，都能带给我强度相仿的浪漫情欲和肉体性趣；但是，我渴望找个男人，一起成家过日子。而我自己，有时候涂口红、穿高跟鞋；有时身着男裤和男鞋。双性恋社群给了我不少支持，它不同于“同性恋专区”或者“异性恋专区”，能够包容我模糊不清的性别表达。所以，“双性恋”是最适合我的身份标签，我也愿意常驻于此。
HETEROSEXUALS
In bygone decades, there were relatively few role models for heterosexual interaction in mainstream culture: an Ozzie and Harriet household, monogamous, patriarchal, and focused on conformity and child rearing, was presented to us all as our sexual and romantic ideal. Your authors are very glad to have outlived this era.
在往昔的几十年里，主流文化中堪为婊子楷模的异性恋者，相对而言少之又少。在大众影视节目中更为常见的异性恋伴侣，其典型形象往往是：一男一女的核心家庭、排斥第三者的专属爱情、父权主导的家长制、对主流价值观和抚养孩子格外注重——这些内容反复呈现在我们面前，向我们灌输“唯有如此，才是理想中的性爱和浪漫”。本书的两位作者，有幸熬过了这样的年代，能够看到一些不一样的东西，长寿真好！
Modern heterosexuality offers a plethora of options for happy sluthood, from long-term “vee” triads, where two partners are both sexual with one “hub” partner but not with each other, to orgiastic recreational sex, with lot of possibilities in between, including open relationships, secondary partners, poly pods, and intimately extended families we sometimes call “constellations”.
现代的异性恋生活，对婊子而言，有着多不胜数的另类选择。从长期固定的“VEE式”三人行（两个相互之间没有性爱的人，彼此轮流或者两人共同，和那个堪称“枢纽”之人做爱），到狂欢娱乐式性爱——在上述二者的两极之间，还有很多种可能。可以是开放关系；可以是婚姻之外的另一些长期伴侣；可以是多人群体纵横加错的性爱；还可以是多边关系相互交织的情侣们，组成一种常被笔者称为“星座”的多人家庭：彼此之间共享亲密，边界可以不断扩展。
In the past, nonmonogamous heterosexual interactions were called “wife-swapping”, a term with a built-in sexism bias that we find offensive. Today, heterosexuals seeking no-strings sex outside a primary relationship often seek out the swing community. There groups are well worth looking at for what they have to teach us how heterosexual men and women can interact outside the defines of the “shoulds” of mainstream, monogamous culture.
在此之前，并非一对一封闭专偶的异性恋关系，常被称为“换妻”（wife-swapping）——这个说法，蕴含着对女性的歧视和偏见，令笔者见之生厌。 【“换妻”一词，意味着只有异性恋关系下的男性、丈夫，才是参与的主体（subject）；而女性、妻子，则成为被男人交换的客体或曰物品（object）：女性参与者的主体性（subjectivity）被忽视、抹杀。因此本书的作者用sexist（“性本质主义的”，即基于传统和主流认知，充斥着针对女性的歧视和偏见）来形容“换妻”这个词。相比之下，较好的替代词汇是“换偶”、“共偶”，对应是英文是swinging。——译者注 】 如今，那些在长期伴侣关系之外，寻求“约炮之后，互无牵连”的异性恋者们，往往会寻求换偶社群。此类换偶社群，非常值得去看看，因为我们能从中了解到，众多异性恋的男人和女人，如何冲破主流专偶文化的“恢恢法网”。
Swinging is a broad term that gets used to define a wide variety of interactions, ranging from long-term two-couple sexual pairing through the wildest Saturday-night puppy-pile orgies. Swingers tend to be heterosexual; although female bisexuality is relatively common, male bisexuality is often frowned upon. They are most often coupled, and are often more mainstream in their politics, life styles, and personal values than other kinds of sluts. Some swing communities confine themselves explicitly to sexual interactions and discourage emotional connections outside primary couples, while others encourage all forms of romantic and sexual partnering.
换偶（swinging）一词的所指，范围非常广阔，它已经被大家习以为常地指称很多种截然不同的亲密关系模式——从两对关系长久的伴侣之间进行配偶互换，到常在周末进行的多人性爱狂欢。换偶一词，通常被公认的定义域，是“在异性恋者之间”，但其实，很多女双性恋者也广泛参与。而男双性恋者，则常被换偶社群嫌弃。换偶者大都有伴侣，并且，和其他类型的婊子相比，换偶者往往在政治倾向、生活方式和个人价值观等方面，都更贴近主流。有些换偶社群，成员之间的性勾搭需要有所遮掩；与长期伴侣之外的人产生情感，被视为禁脔。也有一些换偶社群，对形形色色的浪漫关系和性爱互动，都广泛包容、乐见其成。
Swinging has offered many a heterosexual woman her first opportunity to explore greedy and guilt-free sexuality—in fact, we often hear of women who attend their swing party very reluctantly, their second one hesitantly, and their subsequent ones avidly. We also like the sophistication with which many swing communities have evolved patterns of symbols and behavior to communicate sexual interest without intrusiveness (one now-defunct local swing club used to have a fascinating code of opening doors and windows to communicate, variously, “Keep away”, “Look but don’t touch”, or “Come on in and join us”).
对很多异性恋妇女而言，参加换偶活动，让她们踏出了自我解放的门槛，由此开启了一往无前的性探索，和无所顾忌的性实践。有这样一个事实，笔者多次闻知：女人第一次参加换偶活动，往往顾虑重重；第二次参加时，“犹抱琵琶半遮面”；到了第三次，则满怀热情、欲罢不能。笔者也很欣赏一些换偶社区五花八门的隐语，用这种方式来交流“性趣”，可以避免一不留神的相互冒犯。（比如，本地有个已经解散的换偶俱乐部，曾采用打开房门或窗户的奇特方式，来向其ta人表达“请勿进入”、“可以围观，但不要有肢体接触”，或者“来吧，加入我们的床上运动”等不同的意思。）
跨性别者，和性别酷儿
Section titled “跨性别者，和性别酷儿”TRANSGENDER AND GENDERQUEER FOLKS
Transgendered people form a variety of communities, all of which have much to teach to those who are interest in transcending their gender-role programming. Dossie, in the early years of her feminism, found friends and lovers among male-to-female transsexuals who became her wonderful role models for how to be female, indeed often ultra-feminine, and still be assertive and powerful.
广义的跨性别人群（跨儿），创建了多种类型的社群。对于每个想要超越性别规范的人而言，形形色色的跨儿社群，都堪称经验宝库。本书作者之一的道茜，在很年轻时就是女权主义者。她把很多跨儿姐妹（mtf，男跨女）——有些是道茜的朋友，有些是道茜的情侣——都视为最酷最炫的楷模，向她们学习“如何做个牛逼女人”。因为这些跨儿姐妹，经常表现得比顺性别女人还女人，同时，有着格外坚定、强大的内心。
What we can all learn from transgendered people is that gender is malleable. From people who take hormones to express male or female gender, we learn about how some behaviors and emotional states may be hormone related. People who have lived parts of their lives in both gender modes, physiologically and culturally, have a great deal to teach us about what changes according to hormones, and what does not, and what gender characteristics remain a matter of choice no matter your endocrine system says. Genderqueer people—those who choose to live their lives somewhere between the usual gender roles—are softening the boundaries of gender and demonstrating what life without binary gender might look like.
从跨儿们那里，我们可以了解到：性别特质不是铁板一块、与生俱来、固定不变的，而是具有很强的延展性，可以被不断塑造，不断改变其形态。有些人通过激素替代疗法，来调节自己的性别气质。从中我们可以看到，有些行为，有些情绪状态，可能与激素水平，有着很大的关联。那些在自身生命史的不同阶段，分别按照不同性别模式生活的人，在很多方面都堪为我们的良师，ta们向我们展示，哪些改变和激素水平紧密相关，哪些和激素无关，尤其是，哪些“性别特质”完全可以自主决定，根本无须考虑和激素内分泌有关的一切。更值得一提的是性别酷儿，也就是生活方式“不男不女”或者“半男半女” 的人，ta们让男女二分的性别边界，变得更加模糊，也表明，除了“非男即女，非此即彼”的男女二分，生活还有很多其他的可能。
If you think this doesn’t apply to you, that you are certain of your gender and that it’s immutable, please consider that a great many people are born with characteristics of both genders: depending on whose definition you are, anywhere from two to seven babies out of a thousand are born with chromosomes and/or genitalia that place them somewhere between the extremes of the gender continuum. We’re not generally aware of these people in our midst because their appearance is usually surgically altered early in life, but it appears that Mother (Father?) nature doesn’t believe in only two genders, and neither do your authors. And a great many people whose genitals and chromosomes are all lined up with biological norms nonetheless feel strongly that they would live more happily and appropriately when presenting as a different gender than the one the doctor assigned to them at birth; you may have such people among your friends and family without knowing it unless they choose to tell you.
如果你觉得上述的活法不适合自己，或者说，你对自己的性别确定无疑，相信自己的性别始终如此、不会改变，那么，请想一想那些与生俱来就具有间性特征的人群（这样的人，绝对数量非常庞大）。按照我们目前所普遍采用的性别定义，会导致无论任何地区，都有2‰-7‰的婴儿，因其与生俱来的染色体或者性器官，而处于“男”与“女”的两极之间。在“男”或者“女”的两级之间，存在一个连续的中间地带、过渡区域。生来就处于中间地带的人，往往在其幼年，就被通过手术“变性”，要么被变成“男性”，要么被变成“女性”，因此ta们“生而间性”的事实，也就鲜为人知、乏人关注。但是，这至少表明，来自父母的遗传信息，或曰先天法则、自然规律，也和这本书的两个作者一样，全盘否定了非男即女的性别二元论。此外，即使在生物学特质上明确无疑的所谓“纯爷们儿”、“真女人”，有些人也渴望自己能够改换成其ta性别。Ta们往往把这样的想法隐藏在内心深处，即使你和ta们中的一些人是亲属，是密友，也难免对此一无所知——除非ta告诉你。
Transsexuals can tell us a lot about how differently other people treat you when they see you as a men, or as a woman. Perforce, transgendered people become experts at living in a very hostile world. It takes a strong-minded person to stand up to our culture’s rigidity about “real men” and “real women”. No other sexual minority is more likely to suffer direct physical oppression in the form of queer-bashing. It was mostly transgendered people, butch women and drag queens, who rebelled against police brutality in the famous Stonewall riots of 1969 that initiated the Gay Liberation movement. Transgendered people can teach us a lot about the determination to be free.
当你被视为男人，或者被视为女人，相应的对待，也会大有不同——变性者对此深有体会，有一肚子话可以对你说。毫无疑问地讲，在这个充满不友善的世界，跨性别人士堪称绝地求生的专家。一个人身处男女决然二分的性别刻板文化之中，能够顶住其压力、其侵蚀，这需要超强的心智内力。酷儿群体所遭遇的身心打压，较之其他类型的性少数人群，往往更为酷烈。1969年，反抗警察暴力的石墙骚动，被冠以同志解放运动之名而流芳至今，然而，打响那场革命的人群，其绝大多数，是变性人、性别表达“男性化”的女人，和异装者。从跨儿身上，我们能够学到很多不屈不挠追求自由的品质。
谭崔，和灵修式性爱的实践者
Section titled “谭崔，和灵修式性爱的实践者”TANTRA AND SPIRITUAL SEX PRACTIONERS
Celibacy is not the only sexual practice of the spiritually inclined. Early examples of religious communities based on nonmonogamy included the Mormon church, the Oneida community, the practices of maithuna and karezza in tantric yoga, and the temple whores of the early Mediterranean goddess worshipers. Tantra as we know it today is actually a Westernized form of classical tantric practice taught in workshops in most major cities and many excellent books and videos. Other classical spiritual/sexual traditions have been updated for Western consumption in practices like Healing Tao and Quodoushka. Pagans and Radical Faeries come together for festivals and gathering to celebrate ancient sexual rites such as Beltane, or make up their own rituals that are appropriate to current lifestyles, like open sexuality of Faeries gathering or the more subtle eroticism of sacred dance and drumming.
一个人如果拥有以灵修为志业的天资，并不需要为此独身，隔绝性事。早在很多年前，就有不少宗教社区，以打破专偶制为信条，其中包括摩门教派、奥奈达社区、佛教密宗的大欢喜瑜伽法门，以及在古代的地中海区域，女神崇拜者搞出的“寺庙圣妓”。当今，我们大都听说过的“谭崔”，是古典密宗的一种西化版本，通过遍及各大城市的工作坊，和精彩的图书、音像等，来进行教学。与之类似的，还有Quodoushka，和道教的身心灵疗愈术（Healing Tao），都把对性爱尤其是对女阴的探索，作为修行方式。以上种种，都是将身心灵与性爱相结合的古典传统，升级为符合西方消费文化的新版。还有很多宗教异端人士，和性爱激进人士，共同聚会庆祝一些古代的性爱节日，例如源于欧洲古凯尔特人的五朔节 【Beltane，五月一日，和国际劳动节重合，也叫铃兰花节，欧洲很多国家，至今普遍庆祝；顺便一提，在本书两位作者所居的美国，大部分人都不会把“五一”当作劳动节，因为美国法定的劳动节假日，是九月第一个星期一。——译者注 】 ；或者，对本教派一些能够和现代生活方式相融合的仪式，进行改扮，包括性爱激进者的群交聚会，以及，在神圣的舞蹈和击鼓中，融入隐晦、微妙的色情欢愉元素。
These practitioners understand that sex is connected to the spiritual. As we said in an earlier book, “Every orgasm is a spiritual experience. Think of a moment of perfect wholeness, of yourself in perfect unity, of expanded awareness that transcends the split between mind and body and integrates all the parts of you in ecstatic consciousness…When you bring spiritual awareness to your sexual practice, you can become directly conscious of—connected to—the divinity that always flows through you…For us, sex is already an opportunity to see god.”
那些将性爱作为修行的人，深知性爱与灵魂的共通共鸣。这也正如笔者在之前出过的一本书中所言：“每一次性高潮，都是深入灵魂的体验。想想看，在那个瞬间，身心交融，自性圆满，灵魂与肉体之间的鸿沟不复存在，自我的方方面面，都在皆大欢喜的时刻，整合为一，达到生命的大和谐……当你把灵修和肉欲融合在一起，你将直截了当、见性指心地体会到，至纯至美的神性，一直在你的体内涌动不息……性爱，是一个让我们领会无上妙谛的方便之门。”
SEX WORKERS
Despite what you might have learned from the TV or the tabloids, sex workers really are not all desperate drug addicts, debased women, or predatory gold diggers. Many healthy and happy women and men work in the sex industry, doing essential and positive work healing the wounds inflicted by our sex-negative culture. We know them as friends, lovers, colleagues, writers, therapists, and educators, as well as performers and artists. These folks have a great deal to teach us about boundaries, limit-setting, communication, sexual negotiation, and ways to achieve growth, connection, and fulfillment outside a traditional monogamous relationship. Do not imagine that connections between sex workers and clients are necessarily cold, impersonal, or degrading, or that only losers frequent prostitutes. Many client/prostitute relationships become a source of tremendous connection, warmth, and affection for both parties, and last many years. Practitioners of the world’s oldest profession offer all of us the wisdom of the ages about understanding, accepting, and fulfilling our desires: these are the real sex experts.
现实中的性工作者，绝非都像我们在影视和小报上所看到的那样，不是走投无路的瘾君子，便是破罐破摔的苦命娃，或者是想要傍大款上位的心机婊。从事这一行的，有很多身心健康、幸福开朗的女人，以及男人；ta们从事的工作，既是无可指摘的，也是任何社会都必然存在的，而且，性工作对于反性仇性的文化，给所有人造成的创伤，也未尝不是一种治愈良药。在笔者看来，很多性工作者都堪称挚友、情侣、同事、作家、治疗师，和教育家，以及演员和艺人。这些志同道合的伙伴，在以下诸多方面，都为我们创造和提供了很多新知：例如人际之间的边界、各种限度的设置、彼此之间的沟通、性爱互动的协商，以及，很多条通往个人成长、人际联结，和超越传统专偶制、实现美满性爱的不寻常道路。不要以为性交易的买卖双方，只有冷冰冰的金钱关系，缺乏人情味，甚至带有侮辱性；更不要以为，只有不争气或者混不下去的人，才会经常“出来卖”。很多嫖客和娼妓，能够在彼此互利的基础上，形成极其良好的关系，从中相互获得温情和关爱，而且，这样的良性互动，能够持续很多年。 【关于性服务的买卖双方，完全可能建立互惠互爱的良好关系，译者略举一些事实：即使在从幕末到明治时期，男女极不平等的日本，多名维新志士、元勋，均娶自己长期嫖宿的艺伎为妻，包括木户孝允（桂小五郎）与几松（木户松子）、伊藤博文与小梅（伊藤梅子）、陆奥宗光与陆奥亮子等。其中，几松在幕府末期，自愿冒着风险，以其营业场所，为长期受通缉的“反贼头目”桂小五郎提供藏身之处，该事迹为史册所公认：这是不折不扣的“She-For-He”。另一个事实，是性社会学家潘绥铭教授，在对女性性工作者（“小姐”）进行田野调查的头几年，曾一度信誓旦旦地声称：职业化的小姐不会在意嫖客的外貌，更不会爱上嫖客，职业化程度也就是“灵肉分离”的彻底程度；所有嫖客无非是顾客，如同钱包，“不管黑钱包白钱包，肯掏钱的才是好钱包”。潘绥铭还认为自己在1998年首版的《存在与荒谬》中，谈到的某小姐与某嫖客恋爱，是自己的误判，为此感到无地自容。（以上均见于潘绥铭的《生存与体验》，中国社会科学出版社，2000年首版。）但若干年后，潘绥铭的观点改变了很多，包括改口承认“小姐和嫖客之间，也可能成为情人”。潘绥铭对此颇有反思：在调研“红灯区”之初，自己的价值观，传统色彩很浓，一是只看到小姐的悲情，忽略了她们的自主选择，“甚至可能是还不错的选择”；二是建构出一个“小姐”与“嫖客”之间的对立，“从小受到的阶级斗争那一套，不自觉地露出来”。潘绥铭进一步讲到：“12年做下来，越来越发现她们（小姐）很普通，和其他行业越来越没区别，也就是，区别远没有当初我们设想的那么大”、“当初把小姐‘特殊’化，其实仅仅是因为她们的劳动，沾了一个‘性’字。”（见潘绥铭、黄盈盈师徒合编的《我在现场：性社会学调查手记》，特别是其中潘绥铭的《我在“红灯区”》一文）——译者 】 在迄今为止的人类通史上，性工作是最悠久的职业，其众多从业者，一直在为我们带来很多超越时空、历久弥新的启迪，促使我们对自身的欲望，予以理解、接纳，和尽量尽情的满足。性工作者才是真正的性爱专家。
文化的多元多样
Section titled “文化的多元多样”Cultural Diversity
While we are looking at sexual diversity, let’s remember that we live in a multicultural society, and that every culture in our world, every subculture, every ethnic cultural, has its own ways of creating relationship, connecting in sex, and building families. All of those are valid and valuable.
当我们看到性爱模式的多样时，也不要忘记，我们生活在一个多元化社会，而且，这个世界的任何一种主流文化、任何一种亚文化、任何族群或人群所共享的文化，都有自己的一套方式，来建立亲密关系、实现性爱联结，以及组建家庭。其中的任何一套方式，都具有现实的可行性，弥足珍贵。
One of the great joys of living as a slut is the opportunity to make intimate connections with people whose background is very different from your own. When you do that, you will find yourself tripping, with some embarrassment, over a lot of differences, the way Dossie and her friends from Japan used to trip over each other in doorways: in Japan, men go through the door first. Getting used to differences can feel awkward, but every time it happens you’ve learned something new about how people go about being human.
做个婊子，其中的一大乐趣，是经常能和那些文化背景与自己截然不同的人，建立亲密联结。经历这种情形，会让你觉得像是在旅行，一路充满新奇，也难免遭遇种种尴尬。本书的作者之一道茜，就曾和一个来自日本的男人约会时，都在门口裹足不前——日本的习俗是男人先进门，美国则是“女士优先”，我们俩谁都自以为应该让对方先进去，结果都把彼此困在门口。尝试着去适应不同的文化，难免充满笨拙、尴尬，但每一次经历，都能让你颇有所得，从中了解其ta人，是如何为人处世的。
Maybe something that you can learn will be just the thing you’ve been looking for that was lacking in your own culture. Dossie came from a small town in New England that had tried, with little success, to pound her into the form of nice, respective young lady. When she got to New York City, she discovered cultures in which strong women were accepted and respected: she got to have chutzpah. Talk about opening up a whole realm of possibilities!
你所了解的其他文化，其中有些东西，可能偏巧是我们自己的文化中所缺乏的，也是你一直求而未得的。本书的作者之一道茜，出生于纽英伦地区的一个小镇 【纽英伦（New England）或曰新英格兰地区，是美国东北部六州的总称，这六个州从北往南依次为：缅因州（Maine）、佛蒙特州（Vermont）、新罕布什尔州（New Hampshire）、马萨诸塞州（Massachusetts，麻省）、罗德岛州（Rhode Island）和康涅狄格州（Connecticut）。——译者注 】 ，当地的文化，总在对她竭力灌输“女孩要温顺、优雅”，而道茜一直达不到这些要求。但是，当道茜来到纽约市区后，发现强悍的女人，在纽约备受欢迎和推崇：于是，她开始放飞自我。不一样的文化，意味着很多种不一样的人生可能。
Boundaries of communication, connection, and relationship vary from culture to culture. Personal distance differs enormously—they say you can recognize the European-American at a Latin-American cocktail party: he’s the one who is frantically backing away from everyone who wants to talk to him because they keep stepping too close. Volume varies too: some cultures value being subdued and quiet, others are dramatically expressive, well, loud.
在相互沟通、交往和建立关系时，不同的文化，人与人之间的距离感或曰边界意识，也大不相同。人际距离的差异，就是一个典型。众所周知，在有很多拉丁裔美国人的鸡尾酒趴中，很容易辨认出厕身其间的欧裔美国人：面对想要和自己交流、一步步靠近自己的人，会一个劲地往后退。说话的音量，不同文化也差异很大，有些文化崇尚克制和静默，有些文化则喜欢充满戏剧性的方式，说话扯开嗓门。
We recommend that you look for these differences and suspend your judgments. Is that person who seems too loud actually able to be more expressive than you? Dose that quite person notice more? What’s the intelligence of a person who hasn’t read a lot of books but understands how you car, or your computer, works? Who are these unbelievably self-confident people who make sexual propositions openly and enthusiastically and get really confused when you accuse them of coming on too strong? Maybe they have some ways of making connection that you could learn from.
笔者建议你，对形形色色的文化差异，着眼探寻，但不要轻下评判（将价值评判悬置）。那个貌似总爱扯着大嗓门的人，真有比你更强的表达能力吗？那个安静沉默的人，是否心里比谁都有数？那个读书不多，却熟知汽车和电脑工作原理的人，相关知识究竟是怎样获取的？还有些人充满迷之自信，喜欢当众对所谓的性知识夸夸其谈，却在被抱怨“床上太粗鲁”时，一脸懵逼，不晓得自己究竟做错了什么——对这样的人，如何识别出来？各色各样的人，哪怕歪瓜裂枣，也可能在有与人沟通交流方面，有自己的种种诀窍；对他们的人际关系诀窍，我们也同样可以择其优点，学习、借鉴。
It is sad, indeed tragic, that so many of our sexual communities fail to welcome people from the whole world of cultures, of races, of genders, of sexualities. When you look at the people around you and dismiss them—or, worse yet, assume you know all there is to know about them—because of their skin color, gender, way of speaking, mode of dress, religion, or country of origin, you’ll never get to hear any of the new and fascinating things that those people might have say. Our friend Jaymes says, “I believe every person you connect with on this planet has some sort of a message to give you. If you cut yourself off off from whatever kind of relationship wants to form with that person, you’re failing to pick up your messages”…and what a shame that would be!
令人悲哀的是，即使在我们婊子之间的性爱社群里，也经常无法超越文化壁垒、种族偏见、性别隔阂，以及性取向性偏好性态度等等的多元差异，无法敞开心扉与现实生活中各色各样的人，交流关于性爱的种种：这确实是个悲剧。当你对身边的人们漠然无视、茫然无知——或者，更糟糕的是，你自认为，反正这些人的肤色、性别、口音、穿着、宗教、籍贯等，都是明摆着的，据此便可预估他们的一切——于是，无论这些人说什么，多么新鲜，多么有趣，你都不肯用心倾听。笔者的朋友杰梅斯曾说过：“我相信，在这个星球上，每一个和你有缘相会之人，都有一些信息，想要传达给你。如果你中断了和某个人的关联，就意味着那个人给你的信息，被你接收失败。”如此情形，多么可惜！
When you are attracted to someone who comes from a background different from our own, and we fail to take that difference into account, then we will mess up what could have been a great connection. We think learning about cultures different from our own helps us to learn to think outside of our boxes and that celebrating diversity can hugely expand our range of choices about our own lives.
当一个来自不同背景的人，打动了我们的芳心，这时候，如果我们对相互之间的差异缺乏重视，就难免把这段本该非常美妙的良缘，搞成一地鸡毛。主动学习、探索和我们不同的文化，将有助于我们打破“思维定式之箱”，对多元多样持喜闻乐见的态度，从而大幅拓展自己人生的可选择范围。
We recommend, when you are in the company of the unfamiliar, that you look for unfamiliar wisdom. You’ll find lot of it, and it will make you richer.
笔者建议，当你和不熟悉的人相处时，要从中寻求自己并不了解的新知。你将从中大有所得，变得更加充实。
你能学到什么？
Section titled “你能学到什么？”What Can You Learn?
If thinking about all these makes you kind of nervous, you are not surprised. What you are experiencing is how threatening it feels when the customary boundaries you take for granted, and believe to apply to all social and sexual situations, are very different from what you are used to. There are no universally accepted boundaries of gender or attraction among consenting adults, and the limits of sexual exploration are not handed down on stone tables by some higher authority.
想到以上种种，如果你感到某种程度的紧张、不安，笔者并不会觉得奇怪。过去的经历经常会告诉你，如果你把文化习俗差异所造成的沟通壁垒，视为理所当然的常态，认定无论是社交还是约炮都难以超越文化壁垒，那么，一旦面对超出自身习惯的其他文化，就会感到恐惧。从如何对性别进行划分，到成年人之间你情我愿的性吸引，哪些被认为可接受或者不可接受，都没有全世界普遍认可的标准答案；对性爱的探索之旅，也没有任何权威力量，能够铁板钉钉地规定，其边界究竟在哪里。
When you look at people who meet your standards of happiness and success without buying into the world’s standards of lifetime heterosexual monogamous pair-bonding, you begin to see how much things can be possible for you too—even if these people aren’t doing it the same way you want to. Recognizing other sexual cultures offers an opportunity to become aware of your own preconceptions and uncertainties. Listen to your fears: They have a lot of to teach you about yourself.
那些没有遵从“社会公认”的异性恋专偶制模式，却让你对其性福生活暗自心动的人，尽管他们的性口味，也许和你颇多不同，然而，从他们身上，你会看到关于自己的很多种可能。当你接纳其他不同的性爱文化，就会对自己的价值预设，和“拿不准”的困惑，变得多一些自我警觉。倾听心中的恐惧，会让你更深入、更全面地了解自己。
Think of Dossie’s old dance club, The Omni. Not knowing what’s what can feel scary—but think of it as a chance to scrap all your preconceptions and start from scratch. It’s only by recognizing all the possibilities out there that you can truly choose the ones that work for you. Then you can be free to figure where you want the boundaries in your life, what your personal limits are, and if you ever want to expand those limits.
想想前文中，本书作者之一道茜昔日常去的“大杂烩”（the Omni）舞厅酒吧：众多参与者从性别到性取向等等，“究竟啥是啥”，到处都是谁都休想“厘清”的一团乱麻。这种状况会令人感到既刺激又惊险，但想想看，这也是一个机会，让你打破思维陈规，自我清零，重新评估一切价值。只有事先明确自己所拥有的各种可能、全部选项，才会有真正意义上的自主抉择。接下来，你就可以自主地盘算：我真正需要的人生边界在哪里？我个人的限度是什么？以及，此时此刻的我，究竟想不想超越上述的限度，自我拓展一些？
Listening and establishing your own boundaries is a great opportunity and a serious responsibility. Accomplishing this amazing task will set you free to explore beyond your wildest dreams.
对属于你自己的边界，倾听自己的内心，自主建构，这既是弥足珍贵的机遇，也是对生活的严肃负责，不糊弄、不苟且。把这份美妙的功课，永无止境地做得更完善，是自我解放的前奏，能让你未来的探索脚步，比你最为狂野的梦境，走得更远。