第6章 机缘无限，行者无疆
CHAPTER SIX Infinite Possibilities
THE FIRST EDITION of this book was subtitled “A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”. Now that we’re older and a bit little wiser, even that sweeping statement seems a bit limiting: sluthood means infinite possibilities of all kinds, not just the sexual. If you think a “celibate slut” is a contradiction in terms, we have a few surprises in store for you: sluthood lives in the brain, not between the legs, and can fit comfortably and joyously into whatever consensual sexual and relationship pattern you choose.
这本《理直气壮，做个婊子》，在1997年首次出版时，以“无数条性福通路的指南手册”作为副标题。现在，伴随着岁月增长，和还算略有一点的意识提升，笔者觉得之前的说法，虽然容纳的范围很广，但依然隐含着某种意义上的自我设限。在如今的笔者看来，一个婊子的人生，处处都拥有无限种可能——包括但不限于和“性福”有关的林林总总。假如你认为一个婊子绝不可能选择独身、无性的生活，那么，笔者有满仓满谷的真凭实据，足以让你刷新三观，搞懂这样一个事实：有多婊，有多骚，取决于你的大脑；和“两腿之间”发没发生啥，八竿子打不着。婊气，和任何一种基于自主自愿的性爱模式、关系模式，都能完美兼容，一路喜乐充盈。
Asexuality and Celibacy
Folks who say no thanks to sex are becoming an increasing visible minority. Asexuality refers to the people who simply don’t experience sexual attraction, and celibacy to those who feel attraction but prefer, for whatever reason, not to act on it. We think that any kind of sexual freedom must include the freedom to not have sex, without being pestered or pathologized.
谢绝性爱的人群，其公众能见度，正在不断提高。“无性恋”（asexuality）这个词，指的就是未曾体会过性吸引的感受、也不想和喜欢自己的人尝试性爱（无论出于什么理由）。笔者认为，无论怎样定义性自由，都必须包含对性爱说不的自由；拒绝性爱者，必须确保既不被死缠烂打地骚扰，也不被视为病态 【即无性恋的去病理化、非病理化——译者注 】 。
Traditionally, celibacy has offered a way for people to focus on intellectual or spiritual concerns, without the distraction of fleshly lusts. If you’re on a religious quest, or working on your doctoral dissertation, or undergoing a major life change, celibacy—short-term or long-term—may offer a valid means of narrowing your focus for a while.
按照传统观念，独身无性，被当作智者和灵修者免受肉欲之扰的路径——如果你正在进行宗教修行，或者在做博士论文，以及正在经历人生中的剧变，短暂或者长久的独身无性，也许能够成为让心志更加专注的手段。
Similarly,people for whom sex or relationships have caused problem may choose a period of celibacy as a pathway toward self-examination: “What kind of person am I when I’m being me just for myself?” Dossie was celibate for this reason for five months after she left an abusive partner, after which she burst forth into feminism and conscious sluttery.
与之类似的，是一些在性爱或者亲密关系中出了问题、带来困扰的人，会在接下来的一段日子里，过着独身无性的生活，利用这段日子来自我审视：“当我真正做自己，为自己而活时，我究竟是什么样的人？”本书作者之一的道茜，就曾在和一个暴虐型伴侣分手后，经历了五个月独身无性的生活，此后，她破茧重生，走上女权主义之路，开启了自我意识明确的荡妇生涯。
Some people are celibate, but not by choice: people who are incarcerated, ill or disabled, geographically isolated, socially unskilled, or underage may have trouble finding partners for consensual sex. Other are celibate simply because they do not, for whatever reason, feel like being sociable or sexual for a while, or perhaps for good.
一些独身无性的人，并非出于自主选择，例如囚犯、病患、残障人、地处偏远者、社交能力欠缺者，或未满法律规定的“性同意”年龄者——以上各类人群，都可能想要性爱，却难以找到你情我愿的对象。也有些人，之所以独身无性，仅仅是由于某些原因，不想与人交往，不想卷入性爱关系——这种状态，也许一阵子，也许一辈子。
We do not see “celibate slut” or “asexual slut” as in any way a contradiction in terms. There are infinite ways of relating to other people—romantically, intimately, domestically, and more—and if you’ve opened your life and heart to as many of those ways as possible, you’re one of us.
我们从未见到过“独身不婚的骚货”、“无性恋淫娃”之类的说法——如果非要这么说，就会显得不合情理、自相矛盾。然而，和其ta人联立关联，有无数种方式——纯粹浪漫的、肉体狎昵的、搭伴过日子的，等等很多。只要你敞开心扉、打开生活之门，对无穷无尽的可能，持开放态度，即使你一直无性、独身，也是我们婊子大家庭的一员。
柏拉图式的恋爱，或曰友爱
Section titled “柏拉图式的恋爱，或曰友爱”Platonic Relationship, aka Friendships
One friend of ours drives us nuts by moaning, “I don’t have a relationship…just all these friends!” We have news for him, and for you: friendship is a relationship, an important one that offers tremendous opportunities for the things we need most out of our relationships: intimacy, companionship, support in times of trouble, and more.
一个朋友的抱怨，简直令笔者脑仁儿疼：“我只有一帮朋友，根本没有亲密关系！” 现在，对那个朋友，以及对诸位读者，笔者有个新的感悟：友情，也是一种不折不扣、确定无疑的亲密关系，它是一种非常重要的亲密关系；亲密关系中能够带给我们的种种美好，例如亲昵、陪伴、患难相助，以及其他的很多，其中的任何一项，在朋友关系中，也大有可能获得。
We are amused by sluthood-skeptics, often straight women, who are appalled by the idea of loving more than one person…and who nonetheless have a best friend,someone with whom they share their deepest secrets, who may in fact be as important a part of their lives as their spouse or lover. If you have a lover and a best friend who are not the same person, you’re already practicing many kind of the skills of sluthood as you manage each of their needs for intimacy, time, and affection.
还有些人，令笔者觉得很滑稽。这些人往往是顺性别直女，对婊子的生活方式嗤之以鼻，她们将同时爱上多人，视为胡搞乱搞、玩火自焚。不过，她们除了家里的“老鳖头子”以外，可能还有彼此知根知底、无话不谈的闺蜜。事实上，闺蜜对她们生活的重要性，丝毫不亚于多年的老伴儿，或者热恋时的小哥哥。须知，如果你兼具爱人和挚友，并且，爱人和挚友不是同一个人，那么，你其实正在践行婊子的生活方式，正在修炼婊子的很多种技能——游走于多边多样的人际关系，并且，能够设法满足其中每一个人，对亲密无间、共度时光和情感付出的需求。
友情中的性爱
Section titled “友情中的性爱”Friendly Sex
If one of those good, intimate friends becomes your lover…what then? Will it ruin the friendship? Will it lead to something more, something that threatens another part of your life? These are the concerns of many people encountering the possibilities of friendly sex the first time.
如果某个挚友，成为了你的情人，接下来呢？这会不会毁掉你们的友谊？这不会打开潘多拉魔盒，引爆种种事端——好友成了小三，危及你的“另一半”？很多人在初次面临和朋友之间的性爱时，都会陷入上述的顾虑。
The cultural ban on having sex with your friends is an inevitable offshoot of a societal belief that the only acceptable reason to have sex is to lead to a monogamous marriagelike relationship. We believe, on the other hand, that friendship is an excellent reason to have sex and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship.
一个社会，只要坚持认定性爱的唯一正当理由，就是步入一对一专属、类似婚姻的关系模式，那么，和朋友发生性关系，就必然会成为禁忌。但反过来讲，在没有专偶执念的笔者看来，友情是共享性爱的绝佳理由，性爱也是巩固友情的绝佳方式。
But monogamy-centrist culture affect us all. In single life, we can observe the Land of One-Night Stands, in which you go home with a pick-up and share some hot sex, then the next morning you look at each other and decide if the relationship has life-partner potential. If not, you leave, with much embarrassment, and the unspoken rule is that you will never be comfortable with that weighed-in-the-balance-and-found-wanting person again. Sex as audition is detrimental to people and to relationships. It happens because most people have no script for sexual intimacy in the midrange between complete stranger and total commitment.
社会文化将一对一的封闭关系，作为唯一的正统模式；而我们每个人，都无法不受社会文化的熏染。我们可以看到，单身者的生活，分明就是“一夜情的货摊子”，不断重复着以下流程：你约到一个对象，将ta带回家，在床上做得热火朝天；到了第二天早晨，你们相互打量彼此，双方都在预判“我们俩是否有望天长地久”。如果答案是否定的，你会颇为尴尬地离开ta。在彼此的内心深处，都有一条心照不宣的原则：谁都无法和一个第一次上床后没选中自己、继续“骑马找马”的人，心安理得地约第二次。如此性爱，就像导演挑选演员时的试镜——这对每个人，和人际之间的联结，都是一种毒化。它之所以不断重演，是因为绝大多数人，对介于“素无瓜葛”和“亲密无间”的中间状态，于自己的“脚本”中，都是一片空白，无从应对。
How do you learn to share intimacy without falling in love? We would propose that we do love our friends, and particularly those we share sex with: these individuals are our family, often more permanent in our lives than marriage. With practice, we can develop an intimacy based on warmth and mutual respect, much freer than desperation, neediness, or the blind insanity of falling in love—that’s why the relationships between “friends with benefits” are so immensely valuable. When we acknowledge the love and respect and appreciation that we share with lovers we would never marry, sexual relationships can become not only possible but preferred. So while you’re worrying that your sexual desire could cost you your best friend, the more experienced slut could be wondering why you are the only friend she has never fucked.
我们该怎么做，才能学会在没有陷入爱河、为爱痴狂的情况下，和某个人保持肉体亲密、性爱互动？笔者建议你，和好友约炮。你们已经是非常铁的死党，也就不存在“坠入爱河”。和朋友成为炮友，能够让你们的友爱，比婚姻关系更为稳固持久。通过实操，我们可以和好友之间，形成一种既充满温存，又相互尊重的亲密关系，而且不会为对方劈腿之类而绝望，不会为柴米油盐生计而操心，更没有恋爱中的盲目付出（因为密友不是新结识的恋人，彼此之间早就充分了解）——以上这些，都是“和朋友打炮”的巨大收益。只要我们承认，互爱互敬、彼此欣赏的恋情，可以和婚姻无关，那么，在友谊之中融入性爱，非但切实可行，而且再好不过。所以，如果你对某个好友一直充满性趣，却担心会因此损害友谊，一直止步不前，这在一个经验丰富的婊子看来，简直岂有此理：为何如此暴殄天物，白白荒废“窝边草”的大好资源？！
Dossie, when she was first a feminist, vowed to remain unpartnered for five years to find out who she might be when she was not trying to be somebody’s “old lady”. She had many wonderful relationships during those years, a rainbow of intimacies, including the sharing of childrearing and households and fixing cars and, of course, lots of sex and lovely affection. She decided that if she made sure to be affectionate, to let people know what she loved about them, that most would find a way to be comfortable with her without needing to be territorial, and it worked. Her quest helped her discover new ways of being in the world as a woman, and a sexual human being—the foundation of what she is and what she teaches today.
本书作者之一道茜，在她刚刚成为一名女权主义者时，就打定主意，五年之内不要固定伴侣，不做任何人专属的“老伴儿”，先“找到自己”、明确自己真正想要什么再说。在那几年里，道茜经历了很多美妙的亲密关系，生活像彩虹一样七彩纷呈：例如，和没有法定配偶关系的人同居在一个屋檐下，共同承担抚养孩子的酸甜苦辣，一起修理汽车，当然，更少不了一大堆风流性事，和相濡以沫、真心付出的爱情。无论遇到任何人，是否向对方摇橄榄枝、表露爱意，是否告知对方“你的哪里令我心动”，是否能够找到既保持开放、又彼此舒适的相处途径——这一切，都由道茜自主决定、自行权衡。事实表明，道茜做得很成功。道茜上下求索的历程，让她针对“如何做个女人、如何做个有性欲望的人”的问题，发现了很多新的解答，新的可行之道。这也是道茜骚情多年至今，并且不断教唆更多人“和我一起做个婊子”的底气所在。
Each relationship seeks its own level, or will if you let it. Like water, you and whatever person has caught your fancy can flow together as long as you let it happen in the ways that is fitting you both.
每一份人际关系、亲密关系，都有自主调节、保持平稳的本能——只要你愿意顺其自然，它就会发生。任何人只要和你偏巧王八看绿豆对了眼儿，就能像水一样汇集到一块儿——只要你和对方，都愿意如此，都能按照适合彼此的方式进行。
Living Single
For some sluts, being single may be a temporary condition between partners, a recommended period of healing from a recent breakup, or a chosen lifestyle for a long term. Being single is a good way to get to know who you are when you are not trying to fit as the other half of somebody else; learning to live with yourself and enjoy it gives you a lot to share with a partner when you choose to have one. Single sluthood has its own joys and challenges, which is why we’re going to deal with it at much greater length later in this book.
对一些婊子来说，一个人过，可能是两段亲密关系之间的短暂空窗，对分手之痛，这是一段值得推荐的自我疗愈时光；也有可能，一种自主选择的长期生活方式。独身度日，是自我探索、明确认知的良机，因为你不用作为其ta人的“另一半”，刻意修剪自己来适应那个人。学会和自己相处，并享受其中的快乐，也能让你在将来决定和其ta人一起生活时，依然拥有很多属于自己的人生滋味，并能将自己的世界和伴侣分享。独立自主的婊子生涯，有很多乐趣，也有不少挑战。为此，我们会在后面的章节，用很长的篇幅进行探讨。
Single people can play the field in a variety of ways. One distinguishing dimension is how separate you keep your lovers. So one form of sluttery for the single involves multiple partners who have no interaction, indeed no information, about each other; this avoids complications at the cost of limiting certain kinds of intimacy, such as opportunities for mutual supports and the development of community.
独自生活的人可以采取很多种的方式，广结良缘，到处留情。一个差异很大的方面，是与所爱之人，保持何种程度的距离。一些单身的婊子，虽然也很多人都有一腿，但除了风流韵事之外，再无更多关联；彼此的身份信息，互不过问、互不知晓。“只爱陌生人”避免了种种复杂纠葛，而其代价，是和一些类型的亲密关系——例如相互扶助、共筑爱巢——全然绝缘。
Or you may choose to introduce your lovers to each other, perhaps over Sunday brunch. This may sound wild, or impossible, or like a script for disaster, but don’t knock it if you haven’t try it. Your lovers have a lot in common—you, for example—and they may very well like each other. Introducing your lovers helps prevent one of the scariest aspect of jealousy, which is the part where you imagine that your lover’s is taller, thinner, smarter, sexier, and in all ways preferable to funky old you. When you meet that another person or when your lovers meet each other, they meet real people, warts and all, and so often wind up feeling safer.
也许，你会为自己的多个情人“牵线搭桥”，通过周末一起聚餐之类的方式，让ta们认识彼此。在一些人看来，这简直是吃饱了撑的，闲得蛋疼作大死——然而笔者在此告诉你: 如果你未曾尝试，就不要将这种做法一棍子打死。事实上，那些能够和你相爱的人，往往有很多共性（比如都和你有交集），ta们之间，很可能也会相互喜欢、相处融洽。介绍你的众多情人相互认识，能够避免ta们之间的醋意，走向最糟糕的情形: “那个人比我更高、更苗条、更聪明、更性感——总之比我有竞争力！”一旦和自己的“爱情竞争者”见了面，看到了真人，通常在内心深处会松口气（“Ta也不过如此嘛，没有我之前设想得那么夸张……”）。
Introducing your lovers to each other also makes possible the development of a community, or an extended family of people, who are intimately connected through sexual and personal bonds. As more people connect to each other in a variety of ways, including sexual, networks forms, something reminiscent of a clan or a tribe may evolve. Then the question of introducing your lovers can become obsolete, as they may already know each other.
主动为你的多个情人，牵线搭桥相互介绍，拉皮条、做月老，能够让大家形成一个“共同体”，甚至，可以演变成一个边界开放的大家庭——其中交织着性爱关系和人际联结，彼此相亲相爱。人和人之间，可以通过各种方式结缘；包含着性爱关系的人际网络，也可以演化成为类似大家族的亲缘。所以，你根本不用顾虑“要不要让我的一个情侣，和我的另一个情侣相识”，只管放开了、抡圆了为彼此“拉皮条”。另外，如果你和众多情侣之间的“大家庭”已经形成，你的不同情侣，很可能不用你刻意介绍，就已经认识了彼此。
If you are a single person in any open sexual lifestyle, you must pay attention to how you are getting your sexual, emotional, and social needs met. You can do this in an infinite variety of ways. The important thing is to be aware of your needs and wants, so you can go about getting them met with full consciousness. If you pretend that you have no needs, for sex, for affection, for emotional support, you are lying to yourself, and you will wind up trying to get your needs met by indirect methods that won’t work very well. People who do this often get called manipulative or passive-aggressive—terms, in your opinion, for people who have not figured out how to get their needs met in a straightforward manner. Do not commit yourself to a lifetime of hinting and hoping.
如果你独自生活，并且保持着性开放，你需要多为自身考虑下: 如何让自己的性爱需求、情感需求和社交需求，都能得到满足。你可以通过很多方式，来处理上述问题，其中最重要的一点，是明确自己究竟想要什么，进而全心全意地追寻你的幸福目标。如果你端着架子，貌似对性、对爱、对情感支持，都无欲无求，那你就是在欺骗自己，同时，你会变得拐弯抹角、滥施心机；然而，为了满足自己欲望，而鬼鬼祟祟地企图暗度陈仓，效果通常很糟，少、慢、差、费，副作用一大堆。这样做的人，常被称为操控狂，和消极型攻击者。没有明确自己想要什么，无法直截了当地争取，其结果就会变成这样。千万不要让自己陷入这个无底洞，一边犹抱琵琶半遮面、卖啥偏不大声吆喝啥，一边期待着天上掉馅饼、适合自己的人会主动上门，如此度过一生。
When you figure out what you want and ask for it, you’ll be surprised how often the answer is “yes”. Think how relieved you might feel when someone asks you for support, or a hug, or otherwise lets you know how to please him. Think of how competent and just plain good you feel when you can truly help another person, whether it’s by offering a shoulder to cry on or that just-right stimulation that leads to the perfect orgasm. Give your friends the opportunity to feel good by fulfilling you too.
当你明确自己究竟想要什么，并且向其ta人提出要求，你会惊喜地看到，其ta人给予你的肯定回应，有多么频繁、多么常见。试想，当其ta人向你请求一些支持、一个拥抱，或者明确告知有其他所需，那一刻，你是何等的欣喜。想想看，当你真正帮助了别人，无论是在ta伤心时借给ta一只可以哭泣的肩膀，还是在床上通过一些激励让ta达到性高潮，那一刻，你会觉得自己是个小能人，心里美得很。既然如此，你也把这样的机会，给你的朋友们一些吧，向ta们提出你的需求，让ta们从中获得心理满足。
伴侣关系——可以是多边恋
Section titled “伴侣关系——可以是多边恋”Partnerships
There are multiple forms of open relationships for the partnered, including serial monogamy, where one’s various partners are separated in time, and the ever-popular nonconsensual nonmonogamy, otherwise known as cheating. We can think of these lifestyles as unconscious free love, but your authors fell both freer and safer when we love right out in the open.
对有伴侣的人来说，开放关系的方式有很多。其中包括“序列式专偶制”——比如白天在家陪老妻，晚上“夜班”陪小蜜，在不同时段和不同的人，保持一对一关系。这是最为常见的非单边恋，也是违背“各方都知情同意”的，通常被称为欺骗。众所周知，这样的“开放恋情”是很不理智的。然而，这不意味着开放关系本身有什么不好，本书的两位作者，都能够通过适当方式，让开放关系既自由奔放，又安全稳健。
It is axiomatic that open relationships work best when a couple takes cares of each other and their relationship first, before they include others in their dynamic. So that slut couple needs to be willing to do the work we will describe later in this book to communicate well and to handle jealousy, and territoriality with the highest consciousness. Couples need to know and communicate their boundaries, to make and keep agreements, and to respect their own and each other’s needs. Couples also need to make sure to nourish their own connection to keep it happy, healthy and fulfilling.
有这样一句至理名言：“只有当一对伴侣彼此关爱，把和对方的关系放在首位，才有容纳更多人的能量，开放关系才能有效运转。”因此，想要玩转开放关系的伴侣，一定要做好和对方之间的功课：以高度清醒的头脑，保持良好的沟通交流，妥善应对醋意和“领地意识”。笔者将在后文，对上述的功课详细讲解。伴侣的双方，都必须通过坦诚交流，明确有哪些底线，是自己和对方所不能接受的，从而在兼顾双方意愿和需求的基础上，达成共识并恪守约定。同时，开放关系的伴侣双方，更要不断滋养彼此间的情感纽带，为之供暖、加固、保鲜。
Couples can have a secondary relationship outside the primary, or a number of lovers that don’t get ranked in any hierarchy. Relationships vary in how close or distant they are emotionally and physically, and how much contact is involved. Some may be short-term, while others may last for years or even a lifetime; some may involve getting together twice a week, others twice a year.
有些人除了最为重视的老伴儿，在外面还有次重要的情人；还有人在自家老伴儿之外，有很多情人，这些情人同等重要，难分轩轾。不同的亲密关系，其差异分野，在于彼此的身心，究竟有多亲近，或者说，究竟有多大的距离，多长时间联系一次。无论怎样的亲密关系，是每周都总能相见两次，还是一年也难得相见两次，都可能是短暂的，情缘昙花一现；也有可能是长久的，维持多年乃至一生。
Couples new to nonmonogamy tend to spend a lot of energy defining their boundaries. They usually focus more at first on what they don’t want their partner to do—the activities that make them feel, for some reason, unsafe or downright terrified—than on their actual desires. Setting these limits is, for many couples, a necessary step out into the disorienting world of sluthood. However, as couples become more sophisticated at operating the boundaries of their relationship, they tent to focus more on what they would enjoy, and then strategize about how they can make it safe. How to create and follow this learning curve well will be covered in more detail in chapter 16, “Opening an Existing Relationship”.
刚刚步入多边关系的情侣，往往会就彼此之间的边界禁区，花大量的精力，进行探讨协商。此类“菜鸟”，往往会优先聚焦于“我无法容忍自己的伴侣，越过哪些红线”。较之探寻自己的种种欲望，他们更在意的是：有哪些做法，会令自己感到不安、感到惊恐。对很多情侣而言，上述的边界设定，是一个无法逾越的过程，因为在刚刚踏进这扇门，走上婊子的道路时，旋即丧失了过去所熟悉、所依赖的价值方向。然而，当他们逐渐成为老手——对为自己的亲密关系建立边界，操作越发纯熟——往往就会更多聚焦于“如何让彼此都能更爽更嗨”，并且越发注重安全，相应的策略也越发炉火纯青。究竟如何迈出这一步，并按照上述的“学习曲线”进行修炼升级，会在之后的第16章，“让现有的亲密关系，成为开放关系”，有更详细的讲解。
One woman of our acquaintance has a lifetime lifestyle of having two primary partners, one of each gender, with her other partners and primaries’ other partners forming a huge network. Her relationships historically have lasted many years, through raising children and grandchildren, and her exes are still active members of her extend family.
有个笔者熟悉的女人，和两个不同性别的爱侣相依一生。那两个人，都是她最重要的亲密关系者，不分主次高下的三人行。除此之外，她和她的那两个爱侣，各自都有的很多情人，他们三口子，和这些情人之间，形成一个庞大的人际网络。这样的亲密关系，被那个女人维持了很多年，宛如一部史诗。在这些年来，她和众多伴侣和情人一起，抚养儿子、孙子。包括很多和她情缘不再的旧日爱人，至今依然在这个具有延展性的大家庭中，颇为活跃。
In some open relationships, each partner seeks out other partners pretty much separately, often making agreements about who get to cruise which club when, or taking care to avoid running into each other on the Internet or in personal ads. They may talk about their adventures with each other and occasionally introduce play partners to their live-in lovers.
在某些开放关系中，每个人都和其ta参与者，分别保持单线联系——往往找某个会所，一对一相约；平时在找更多人约炮时，也会小心避开每一个伴侣的人际关系网络。不过，ta们也可能对和床上的伙伴，彼此交流自己的更多艳遇；还可能时常把外面的情人，介绍给和自己一起生活的伴侣。
Others seek out a close match with another couple so they can play, either as a foursome or by switching partners, with people they have met and chosen together. Many polyamorous couples make a fine lifestyle out of seeking relationships with couples who are most like them, who share their values and boundaries. Such pairing of pairs can become lifelong attachments and generate both hot sex and true family interconnectedness.
还有些伴侣，从自己遇见的人当中精挑细选，寻求能够和自己玩到一起的另一对伴侣，之后，可能结成任意两个人都可能做爱的“四人行”，也可能是相互换偶上床。不少多边关系的伴侣，都找到了和自己颇具共性、价值理念接近、边界准则趋同的另一对，一起生活得格外顺利、精彩。这种类型的“一对儿配上另一对儿”，可以形成终身不渝的亲密羁绊，彼此之间既有热烈的性爱，更缔结成为确定无疑的家庭关系。
两个人以上的多边伴侣
Section titled “两个人以上的多边伴侣”More Than Two
People can make commitments to each other in numbers greater than two. The levels of commitment may vary, as when an existing couple makes a commitment to a third partner, or even a forth. Relationships that add, and inevitably also subtract, members over time tend to form very complex structures, which new configuration of family roles that they generally invent by trial and error. Individuals in groups that come together as a threesome or foursome may find their roles within the family developing, growing, and changing over time: the person who feels like the “mother” of the group this year might well transition to “kid” or “dad” over time, or each different partner.
和两个以上的人，分别缔结承诺、恪守约定，这在人际关系中很常见。当一对伴侣，和第三人、第四人建立亲密关系，这些多边关系，彼此之家也许会参差不齐，而非一碗水端平。当多边亲密关系的人数有所增加——也可能会减少——这样的关系，往往会形成一个复杂的框架；全新的家庭结构，会在众多参与者的种种尝试，或曰经验教训的积淀中，逐渐被创造出来。当一个人处于“三人行”、“四人行”的亲密家庭中，其角色身份，可能会随着这个家庭的发展、变迁，而发生改变，今年角色类似“妈妈”的人，也许之后就会变得像个“孩子”，或者像个“爸爸”。
Triads allow three partners of one or both genders to form a family unit. Some people grow into triadic or quadratic families as they attain deepening involvement with one or more members who started as outside lovers. Others actively seek members for group marriages, to fulfill their ideal of the kind of the family they want to live in. We have heard of people who identify as “trisexual” because they are so strongly attuned to the idea of living and loving as part of a threesome.
所谓“三人行”，就是性别可以相同也可以不同的三个人，相亲相爱，形成的家庭单位。一些步入“三人行”或者“四人行”家庭的人，最初和情侣是二人世界，后来，和外面的“第三者”、“第四者”有了深入联结，大家一起生活。还有一些人，从建立亲密关系之初，就积极寻求两个人以上的多边模式，唯有多边关系才是自己的理想。据笔者所知，一些人的自我认同是“三边恋的一角”，强烈渴望处在“三人行”的亲密关系中。
Balancing triads can be challenging, as in many ménage à trois there are actually three couple, A & B, B & C, and C & A, and each of these relationship will be different. In a triad, as with the siblings of a family, all the relationships will not be at the same level at the same time; we’ve heard of lengthy arguments over which member of a triad should ride in the back seat of a car. If you get hung up on forcing these relationships to be exactly the same, you may hear yourself starting to sound like a child screaming about why your sister got the biggest piece of cake (or, in our adult world, the first orgasm). In all forms of ethical sluthood, but perhaps especially in triad, it is vital to find ways to transcend competitiveness: there’s enough of everything for everybody.
平衡三边关系，也许是一种挑战。因为很多“三人行”，其实相当于三对关系：A和B、B和C、C和A，而且这三对关系，两两相异。三人行的关系，就像一个有多个兄弟姐妹的家庭，其中的每一对关系，时刻都处于平等无差异的状态，未必能够做到。笔者曾听说，某三人情侣，曾为了谁在车上坐后座，而掰扯了好半天。如果你执著于让多边关系中的每两个人之间，都必须时刻处于同一条水平线，所有的二人关系都必须相同，那么，你就无异于一个孩子，因为“凭什么我的老妹儿，分到最大的那块蛋糕”而扯着嗓子哭闹——而在成人的世界里，往往无非是“最大的蛋糕”，换成“最先得到性高潮”而已。作个理直气壮的婊子，无论你选择怎样的生活方式——“三人行”显然更为典型——都必须要找到不同于“你死我活”、“成王败寇”的其他道路：在新的道路上，每个人都能得到自己所需要的全部，谁也无须和别人争抢什么。
【读到这里，有些人可能会想到“按需分配”的共产主义理想（从未在人间实现过），以及众多经济学家对此的驳斥：其中广为人知的一条，是各类资源的普遍稀缺性。例如托马斯·索维尔的著名俏皮话，“The first lesson of economics is scarcity: there is never enough of everything to fully satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson to politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics.” （经济学的第一课是稀缺性：任何事物都没有完全满足所有人需求的存量。而政治学的开篇，却是对经济学的基础视而不见。）然而，“一切资源都具有稀缺性”的经济学假设，一旦涉及物质（粒子、空间，以及时间）之外的“意识”，尤其是主体间互动的认知、判断与感受，或曰人际之间交流沟通的信息，便全然失效。例如，一篇论文的被引用次数、一首流行歌曲的受欢迎度，或者，一个词汇的某个义项（比如用“菊花”指代“肛门”），都常有“越用越多”的马太效应。另一个典型例子，是被盗版或者被改编更多的作品，往往更畅销，越是家喻户晓的作品越会常销不衰——这和一大块猪肉，每吃掉一口，存量就减少一口的“借贷相等”会计准则，是截然不同的状况。当然，人际交流信息的“越用越多”，往往也并不是无限重复的，也有负反馈，即繁衍之中的“流变”。例如“梓涵”之类的名字，起初显得很雅致，但跟风给孩子取类似名字的人多了，就不再雅致，甚至变得“臭大街”（尽管“梓”、“涵”等汉字，在字典中的读音和含义都一直未变）。再如Queer Theory，被译介成汉语、流传到国内，冠以"酷儿理论"之名：Queer意为怪胎、变态，在英语环境下自承queer污名、将queer作为自己旗帜，反抗主流的政治意义非常鲜明；反观“酷儿”这个汉语符号，则大为明显地“去政治化”，较之意译为“怪胎理论”之类，更容易通过国内特色的出版审查——但如此一来，译文“酷儿”就和原文“queer”，变成了具有质性差异的“两码事”，或者说，译文以扭曲变味的方式替代了原文，甚至“杀死”、“吞噬”了原文。上述两个例子，都足以表明，格雷戈里·贝特森将“信息”定义为“生异之异”（a difference that makes a difference），确实不无道理。但信息符号的意指（signification），包括情感类信息，在人际传播之中的流变可能，通常建立在“越用越多”的状况已经极多、极甚，以至于“物极必反”的前提下。——总之，一个人对其ta人的种种情感，包括爱，确实可以在很大程度上“越用越多”、“想要多少就能有多少”；毕竟，再多情的人，其爱情、亲情的传播范围，一般也不过几十人之间，距离“极多极甚”之后的“物极必反”，显然相差甚远：这就像你即使吃再多，也不用担心体重增加所导致的万有引力增额，会吸引更多的PM 2.5或者改变月球轨道。——译者 】
等级观念，及其替代方案
Section titled “等级观念，及其替代方案”Hierarchies and Alternatives
Many polyfolk like to use a hierarchical terminology to define their relationships: the people they live with in a marriage-like arrangement are “primaries”, the people they love but don’t live with are “secondaries”, the people they enjoy spending (often sexual) time with, but aren’t necessarily in love with, are “tertiaries”.
不少多边关系者，喜欢用带有等级观念色彩的语汇，来对自己的多个亲密关系进行定义：和自己有着类似婚姻关系的人，是“首要的”；和自己有爱情关系但不再一起过日子的人，是“次要的”；和自己共度愉快时光（通常有性关系）但没有恋爱关系的人，则是“第三等的”。
While this terminology is pervasive, and sometimes useful as a shorthand, we have some concerns about a system that inherently ranks the importance of people in our lives. Janet says, “E is my life partner and Dossie is my coauthor. If I’m buying a house, E’s the most important; If I’m writing a book, Dossie is. Each of them has their own place in my life—why do I have to rank them?”
这类颇具等级观念的语汇，尽管被广泛使用，而且有时也确实简明实用，但笔者对此颇有顾虑，因为这种方式的潜台词，是把我们在生活中所遇到的人，就其重要性，进行三六九等的划分。本书作者之一珍妮特说：“E是我的生活伴侣，道茜是和我一起写书的人。如果我买房，会优先考虑和E一起；如果我写作，则优先考虑和道茜一起。这两个人当中的每一位，都在我的生命历程中，各有千秋。——我何必排序划分‘谁更重要’？”
“亲密圈子”和“家族部落”
Section titled ““亲密圈子”和“家族部落””Circles and Tribes
“Circle” is a word we use for a set of connections between a group of people that actually might look more like a constellation, with some people near the hub and connected to several others, and others near the outside and connected to only one or two and, perhaps, part of another constellation as well. (We like the word “constellation” for this, because in a constellation, everybody gets to be a star!) These constellations may be casual or may become a extended families, with provisions for raising children, making a living, taking care of the sick or aging, and purchasing property.
“亲密圈子”一词，被用来指称包含着一大群人的亲密关系——事实上，这样的关系模式，看上去更像一个星座；其中的一些人类似“枢纽”，和其ta人分别进行联结，还有些人则处于外围，只和这个“星座”中的一两个人有所关联，当然也可能是其他“星座”的一部分。（笔者喜欢用“星座”一词，来指称此类亲密关系模式，因为星座中的每一个人，都堪称为恒星！）形形色色的“星座”，可能临时形成、不定期聚集，是短期的缘分；也可能成为具有扩展性的家庭，具有一起抚养孩子、搭伴过日子、老了或病了能相互照料、共同购买房产等功能。
Dr. James Ramey, in his wonderful book Intimate Friendships, documented his observations that nonmonogamy tended toward the forming of what he described as kinship networks, communities bound together by the intimacies of their sexual connections, perhaps serving the same functions as villages did in a smaller world. Some of us have taken to referring to our groupings as tribes.
詹姆斯·拉梅博士在其杰作《亲密的友谊》中，记录了他对多边恋的观察结果：多边恋往往容易演化成“亲情网络”（书中的原话），五花八门的人际群体或曰社群、圈子，都被基于性爱的亲密关系，绑定在一起——也许，和同村之人类似，熟人之间自成一体的小小世界。我们当中的一些人，将这样的群体，称为“家族部落”。
Circles of sexual friends are common—gay men call these friends “fuck buddies”. Such circles may be open and welcome new members, typically brought in by other members. When you are part of such a circle, new lovers of any member are potential friends and family members of your own, so the focus changes from competition and exclusivity to a sense of inclusion and welcome, often very warm indeed.
“亲密圈子”中的性伙伴们，大都颇具共性，例如在男同圈内，称此类性伙伴为“床上的哥们儿”。其中的一些“亲密圈子”，边界开放，欢迎新人——尤其是被圈内伙伴带进来的人——加入其中。当你成为此类“亲密圈子”的一员，圈内其ta人新近结识的情侣，对你而言，也是潜在的好友乃至家人。因此在这样的圈子里，大家的关注焦点，不再是“有你没我”的爱情争夺战，转而变成了共享和包容，欢迎更多“小三”、“小四”加入这个大家庭。整个过程，充满温情。
Other circles are closed, with new members welcome only by agreement with existing members. Closed circles are sometimes set up as a strategy for safety from HIV infection and other sexually transmitted conditions, and also to deal with alienation in an overpopulated world. In a closed circle, the notion is that you can play with anyone in the circle (all of whom have made agreements about safer sex and and are all perhaps of known HIV status), but you don’t have sex with anyone outside the group. Thus you get to play around with a variety of relationships and still stay in a limited field. Such lifestyles are sometimes known as “polyfidelity”.
还有一些边界封闭的“亲密圈子”，新人如果加入，要经过目前圈内的所有人同意。有时，边界封闭是防范艾滋、防范其他各类性传播疾病的策略，也可能是为了控制规模，避免圈内之人过多，导致一些人的边缘化。在封闭的圈内，你可以和这个圈子里的所有人尽情玩乐（圈内所有成员，均有安全性行为的共识，每个人是否携带艾滋、是否存在艾滋病毒的性传播风险等，往往也让圈内所有人都知晓），但是，和圈外之人，不发生性关系。你可以在这片有限的场域内，尽情做个花花公子，享受各种各样的亲密关系。这样的生活方式，有时被称为“贞洁牌坊里的多边爱情”。
公开的性爱（聚众淫乱）
Section titled “公开的性爱（聚众淫乱）”Public Sex
Sluts in any kind of relationship may enjoy group sex. Environments for orgies, party houses, sex clubs, swing houses, gay men’s baths, the tubs, or the glory holes are available in many major cities in a variety of forms and carter to all sexual performances. We will tell you all about them in their own chapter. A group sex environment may constitute a safe field of exploration for a nonmonogamous couple. They can attend parties together or separately, cruise singly or as a twosome, meet each other’s friends, and play with a variety of people, all the while maintaining whatever connection with each other they feel good about. In this way, sex outside the primary relationship is defined by the specific environment in which it happens.
无论出于怎样的亲密关系模式之中，形形色色的婊子们，普遍热爱聚众淫乱。在很多大城市，都有可供各色人等，进行各类聚众淫乱的场合，例如性爱狂欢、性派对的室内、性爱会所、换偶房间、男同浴室、彩虹游轮、露天性爱营等等。以上种种，笔者会另起一章，详细讲述 【即本书第22章：性爱岂须私密？性福胡不群欢？——译者注 】 。一对非专偶、非独占的伴侣，在聚众淫乱的场合，能够得到一个可以进行各种探索的安全空间：这对伴侣既可以一起参加，也可以只来一个；既可以两个人一起和其ta人做爱，也可以一个人和伴侣之外的另一个人配对；既可以相互结识彼此的昵友，也可以和各色各样的人一起耍。无论谁和谁怎么玩，始终保持相互之间的良性互动。在这种情况下，如何定义“亲密关系之外的性行为”，没有明确标准，只有看具体的情境。
Group sex environments often develop their own families, people who come regularly and get to know each other and may share their activities, like giant Thanksgiving dinners. The film Personal Services shows us a warm and marvelous Christmas get-together of such a family in a British house of domination.
群体性爱或曰聚众淫乱的人际圈子，经常会演化成为大家庭，常客之间往往相互熟悉，相互分享各自的经历，就像一起参加感恩节的盛宴。正如在电影《绅士不设防》（Personal Services）中所呈现的：即使在古板的英国家庭，也能出现如此温情脉脉而且牛逼爆棚的圣诞狗血聚会。
These are just a few of the ways in which sluts have chosen to organize their lives and loves. You get to choose one, or several, or invent one of your own. Relationship structures, we think, should be designed to fit the people in them, rather than people chosen to fit some abstract ideal of the perfect relationship. There’s no right or wrong way to do this, as long as everyone’s having fun and getting their needs met.
婊子如何生活，如果去爱，可供选择的道路，如恒河沙数，上文仅仅列举了一小部分。你可以从中选择一条道路，或者同时踏上多条道路，更可以开拓出属于你自己的道路。我们认为，亲密关系的模式架构，取决于如何让身处其中的人，感到舒适、合身，而不是让大家削足适履，去迎合某种“完美亲密关系”的抽象观念。无论何去何从，都没有对与错，只要让每个人都充满乐趣，彼此得到满足，即可。