第8章 婊子的“十八般武艺”
CHAPTER EIGHT SLUT SKILLS
GREAT SLUTS are made, not born. The skills you need to keep yourself and your partners happy and growing get developed through a combination of conscious effort and frequent practice. There are skills you can learn that will help start your adventure on the right foot and keep it on track.
那些有趣有胆、无悔无愧的婊子，不是天生的，而是修炼出来的。你所需要的“十八般武艺”——让你自己和众多的性伴侣们，都能乐在其中、携手共进——是两门功夫的融合: 主观故意的“以身试法”，和“怙恶不悛”的婊子作风。这里有很多牛逼大招，帮助你迈好探索之旅的第一步，并在这条路上越走越顺。
Self-examination, in our opinion, is always a good idea—when you are journeying without a map, having a clear picture of your internal landscape becomes essential. Ask yourself: What do you expect from this way of living your life? What reward can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard work of learning to be secure in a world of shifting relationships? Some people who have already made the journey cite benefits like sexual variety, less dependent on a single relationship, or a sense of belonging to a network of friends, lovers and partners. The people we interviewed said things like this:
在笔者看来，我们在任何时候，都不妨多些自我审视和自我反思。当你在手边没有地图的旅行中，最好能让周围的地形和路况，尽可能翔实地在你心中呈现。去问问自己: 你在当下的生活方式中，期待获得什么？在情缘聚散无常的世界，如果你偏要费劲巴拉地“从一而终”，这在可预见的未来，究竟能让你获得什么奖赏、什么回报？那些已经踏上荡妇之旅的人，从中获益颇多——包括性爱的多元多样、对单边关系的依赖降低，或者，发觉自己拥有了一个充满友情、爱情和相依相伴的人际网络。其中一些人，是笔者的访谈对象，且看ta们所言:
“I get relief from pressure—I don’t have to fulfill every single thing my partner needs or wants, which means I don’t have to try to be somebody I’m not.”
“我的压力缓解了。我不用再刻意迎合伴侣所要求的每一件事，这意味着我不用再打肿脸充胖子，明明很平凡却非要假装高大上。”
“People have different ways of knowing and understanding things, so intimacy with various people expands my appreciation of the universe.”
“不同的人，有不同的处事方式。和各色各样的人都有一腿，拓宽了我对大千世界的认知力和鉴赏力。”
“I can have hot erotic experience without genital sex, and without compromising my emotional monogamy.”
“我的性爱，可以没有生殖器官参与，并且爽到爆。我在情感层面认同一对一的封闭关系，当我和其ta更多人，共享没有生殖器官参与的性快感，这与我的情感信念，不会发生冲突。”
“My lifestyle gives me freedom, independence, and responsibility in a way that being an exclusive couple does not.”
“我的生活方式，让我自由、独立、不苟且。反观一对一的封闭关系，恐怕无法让我得到这些。”
“I don’t believe that humans are assigned to monogamous. Monogamy goes against my instincts.”
“我就不信，人类生来就背负着一对一封闭关系的宿命。一对一的封闭关系，违背我的天性。”
“I never feel that the grass might be greener on the other side of fence—I’ve been there.”
“我从不认为别人家的草更绿、别人家的日子更好。因为我滚过别人家的床单，对‘别人家的神话’已经祛魅。”
“Outside partners are an infusion of sexual juice into my primary relationship.”
“外遇，对于我和老伴儿之间的感情而言，是维持元气的负熵，是滋养保鲜的活水。”
As you read this book, and hear some stories about successful sluts, you may discover benefits for you. What are your reasons for choosing this path?
当你阅读这本书，以及听到一些顺风顺水的婊子，日子过得有多美，你可能会觉得，“老娘我也不妨这样”。然而，你可曾好好想过，如果你决定选择走这条路，究竟是出于什么目的呢？
Alas, many people begin to explore open relationship because their partner is pushing them into it, or because all their friends are doing it and they don’t want to seem prudish. We ask that you get clear within yourself that you are doing this for you—because it excites you, because it offers opportunities for learning and growth and fun, because you want to. Make no mistake, this can be a rocky road. If you are navigating it for the wrong reason, resentment can easily poison the very relationships you set out to improve.
可叹的是，有不少开始探索开放关系的人，都是被其伴侣所促使的，或者是，看到身边很多朋友都纷纷这么玩，担心自己落伍了，成了老古板。笔者在此提出告诫: 你一定要先想清楚，唯有真正为了你自己，才值得去做——“为了让我自己更爽；为了让我自己，拥有更丰富的体验、更大的自我提升，和更多的乐趣。” 别忘记，婊子的人生，注定不是坦途。如果你锁定了一个错误的目标，为此走上这条路，接下来就难免心生悔恨；而这种悔恨，会成为一剂毒药，精准破坏你最为珍惜、或者企图通过开放关系来挽救的那段亲密关系。
Sexual change can be a path of reprogramming yourself, with the joyous feeling of abundant sex and love as the carrot, and the fear of deprivation, boredom, or self-loathing as the stick. Since we don’t believe that the urge towards monogamy is innate, we think you must have learned your negative sexual feelings and your insecurities somewhere—from your parents, from your past lovers, from your culture. What you have learned, you can obviously unlearn—or learn something new. Exploring your feelings and changing your reactions to them can be difficult, but what a feelings of power and triumph each time you succeed!
性爱模式的改变，是一条自我重塑之路，你在其间，既能获得丰富的性福和爱意，仿佛一种奖赏或曰诱惑，也将伴随着患得患失的恐惧，和曲终人散的失落。此外，你还可能在内心深处，一直卡着一根自我厌弃的毒刺——总觉得自己根本不是个正经玩意儿，说到底就是个破罐破摔的破鞋，人不人鬼不鬼的贱货。笔者从不认为“寻求一对一的封闭关系，是人类的内在天性”，但同时也不得不承认，包括你和我在内的每个人，都在家庭教育、爱情关系尤其是文化熏染中，已然习得了对性爱的“不洁观”和“妖魔化”。不过，我们所后天习得的一切，都能够通过其他类型的学习，而弃旧革新。深入探索你的内心世界，改变你的行动方式和应对策略，这绝非易事。但在这条路上持续前行，你所向前跨出的每一步，都能为你带来自我赋权的力量感，和胜利的喜悦。
赢得属于你自己的“婊子小红花”
Section titled “赢得属于你自己的“婊子小红花””Earning Your Slut Merit Badge
The people we know who succeed at ethical sluthood usually have a set of skills that help them forge their pathway clearly, honesty, and with a minimum unnecessary pain. There are some of the skills we think are important.
据笔者所知，那些婊气侧漏、身心和谐的万年骚货，大都拥有一套持之以恒的技能，让自己在这条路上稳步行进，不会感到迷茫，不自欺欺人，更能将不必要的痛苦和代价降到最低。以下几个技能，在笔者看来，非常重要。
COMMUNICATION
Learning to talk clearly, and listen effectively, is critical. A technique for good listening is to listen what your partner has to say without interrupting, and let them know you heard by telling them what you think they just said. Use this clarification technique before you respond your own thought and feelings. In this way, you make sure you have clear understanding before you go on with your discussion. Similarly, if you are the one talking, it’s not fair to expect your partner to read your mind—take the time and effort to be as clear and thorough in your explanation as you can, and be sure to include information about the emotions you’re feeling as well as the facts involved.
学会清晰明确的交谈，和精准无误的倾听，至关重要。一个提高倾听能力的妙招，是在你的伴侣，滔滔不绝、不容打断地唠叨完之后，告诉ta你听到了什么——也就是用你自己的记忆，复述ta方才的话语。在你用自己的看法和感受，来对ta进行回应之前，先用这个技巧，明确ta所想要表达的内容；只有确保你对ta方才所说的一切，有着清晰明确的理解，接下来的“讨论问题”才可能有意义。同理，当你大放其词时，如果期待你的伴侣能够立刻理解你的想法，这未免对ta求之过苛。你需要花些时间、费点心思，尽可能让自己的表述，更加清晰、完整。并且，除了厘清有关事实，更需要把自己的情绪感受，也讲述清楚。
If your communications often seem to go awry, it might be a good idea to spend some time and effort learning better communication skills: many adult education facilities offer excellent communication classes for couples, and you can check your Resource Guide for further reading.
如果你的沟通交流，经常越扯越远，总是不自觉地带偏，那你最好多花些功夫，来提高沟通技能。不少成人教育机构，都有针对伴侣沟通的精品课程。此外，你也可以参阅本书附录的“资源导览”，进行针对性的延伸阅读。
心里有啥疙瘩，不要藏着掖着
Section titled “心里有啥疙瘩，不要藏着掖着”EMOTIONAL HONESTY
Being able to ask for and receive reassurance and support is crucial. One of Janet’s partners used to request, when Janet was off to a joyously anticipated date with one of her other lovers, “Just tell me I don’t have anything to worry about.” Janet reports that it felt very good to know that he was willing to ask for reassurance when he needed it and that he trusted her to tell the truth about her feelings. If you imagine his feelings if he were insecure and didn’t ask for reassurance, you can see why it’s so important to get your needs met up front.
主动要求对方，给你一个肯定答复，一份身心支持，让你对接下来的日子感到安全、确定——这是一项关键技能。本书作者之一的珍妮特，她诸多伴侣之中的某个男友，就曾在珍妮特即将和别人约炮之前，对珍妮特说: “你现在只需告诉我：不用为任何事情担心，我们俩之间的亲密关系，之后也一切安好。” 珍妮特深感欣慰地讲述此事，其欣慰感，不仅因为那位男友能够在自认为必要时，主动向自己要求肯定答复，更是因为该男友对她信赖无疑，相信她的话语出自真心真意。——在此，你不妨假想下: 如果珍妮特的那个男友，无法坦诚要求珍妮特的肯定答复，而是望着珍妮特出门远去的背影欲言又止，把不安憋在自己心里——他本人会是怎样的感受？他和珍妮特之间的感情，之后又会怎样？！相信你能从中看到，凡事都要提前主动沟通，避免让自己出现内心需求的真空，不要做个“闷葫芦”，这是何等重要！
We have all been afraid to ask, we have all failed to ask, we have all been irked with our lovers when they didn’t read our minds and offer us the reassurance we crave, we have all thought, “I shouldn’t have to ask.” Let’s remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings. Let’s pat ourselves on the back when we do the things that scare us, and then let’s do them some more.
我们都对提问题、提要求，多少有些心存恐惧。我们都有过失败经历，也都曾由于所爱之人，未能理解自己内心，未能如己所愿给出个肯定答复，而焦急、恼怒，进而责怪自己不该多嘴发问，还不如“沉默是金”。切记，让你想要为寻求支持而询问，渴望告知伴侣你心中最容易受伤的所在，那么，就一定要让自己为之鼓起的勇气，堂堂然付诸实行，切莫临事退缩。当你正在做一件令你恐惧的事时，不妨轻轻抚摸自己、温柔地安抚自己，之后，不断重复做这件事，做更多次。 【你所恐惧的事物，随着你的多次试探、经历，和“不过如此而已”的所谓后果，令该事物在你心中，逐渐沦为“黔之驴”：这就是对该事物的“系统脱敏”。——译者注 】
AFFECTION
Similarly, it’s vital to be able to give reassurance and support, both in response to a request and on your own. If you can’t tell your parents that you love them, or give them a heartfelt compliment, or tell them what you think is so wonderful about them, it may be optimistic to assure that they’ll be able to remain secure enough accommodate your other relationships. Our friend Carol notes, “If you’re already starved for attention, no wonder an open relationship can feel like a problem.”
一如主动寻求肯定答复和情感支持的重要性，你给予、提供肯定答复和情感支持的能力，也同样堪称生死攸关。你的给予，不但包括回应对方的询问，而且包括应答自己的内心，或曰给予自己内在支持。无论你有多少个伴侣，如果你难以对某个伴侣表达你有多爱ta，无法让ta发自内心感受到你对ta的赞许和肯定，无法真诚地称赞ta的优点，那么，你就不要一厢情愿地乐观幻想，ta对你和别人发生关系，能够心情坦然地包容。笔者的一个朋友凯罗尔说: “如果你如饥似渴地过度寻求自己被别人的关注，像饿汉护食一般无心无力给予别人什么，那么，开放关系对你而言，无疑将是个深坑。”
Put some thought into how you can let your partners know how important they are to you. We recommend lots of hugging, touching, verbal affection, sincere flattery, little “love ya” gifts, and whatever helps everyone feel secure and connected.
多花些心思想想: 怎样才能让你的每一个伴侣都能感到，ta在你心中有多么重要。笔者的建议是: 多多拥抱、爱抚，多些话语交流，多些真心赞扬，经常送个爱意满满的小礼物，以及，一切能够让彼此感到安全、温馨的方式。
FAITHFULNESS
This may seem like an odd word to read in this context, but even the most outrageous slut can be, in the word of Cole Porter, “Always true to you, darlin’, in my fashion.” Our friend Richard says, “A lot of people describe having sex with only one person as being ‘faithful’. It seems to me that faithfulness has very little to do with who you have sex with.” Faithfulness is about honoring your commitments and respecting your friends and lovers, about caring for their well-being as well as your own.
在这本书里，居然谈起对爱情的忠贞，这似乎显得有些古怪。但事实上，即使再惊世骇俗的婊子，也可以对爱忠贞不渝。其忠贞，恰如昔日的百老汇音乐人科尔·波特所云: “对亲爱的你，对我自己的品味，我都永葆真心。”笔者的一个朋友理查德常说: “不少人都把对爱的忠贞，描述为只能和一个人同床共枕。但对我而言，忠贞于爱情，和与谁上床，基本毫无关联。” 真正的忠贞，是你对承诺的践行，是对朋友和爱人的尊重，是你对所爱之人幸福康乐的呵护，像关爱自己一样关爱他们。
If you have a primary relationship, take a look at what you can do to reinforce its primaryness. Many people in couples have certain activities that they keep only for their life partners—particular sexual behaviors, sleepovers, terms of affection, or whatever. Look at your public behavior—are you comfortable introducing your partner to the cute number you are flirting with at a wild party? We are: we figure any cutie who would be put off by meeting our spouses will likely make trouble in the future, so it’s better we find out now. Make agreements with your partner before the party, and then you need never wonder if you are welcome to join a group or conversation that your beloved is enjoying.
如果你在很多爱人中，有一个最核心、最重要的亲密关系，或者说，相当于你和你的老伴儿，那么，想想看，怎样才能让你和你的老伴儿之间，关系更亲更铁，你能为了这个目标做些啥。有些这样的人，会对自己的老伴儿，采取一些与众不同的优待——例如不一样的性行为、通常在一起过夜、特别的爱称，或者其他可行的任何方式。当你和长期伴侣，共同参加狂野调情的派对时，正好可以对以下情况，保持自我觉察: 在你把自己的“老伴儿”，介绍给正和你勾搭的那个“小可爱”时，你能够保持心平气和，并无任何尴尬吗？本书的两位作者，于此都能做到——笔者还会用这种方式，来试探和我们调情的那个小可爱，如果ta在得知我们是一对长期的伴侣后，便放弃了继续和我们调情，这样也挺好，因为此人并没有真正做好开放关系的准备，此刻若不相互脱钩，将来难免出现更大问题。此外，在一起参加这类狂野调情的派对之前，先要和你的老伴儿，充分协商，达成一致。这样就能避免其中某个人和大家玩得很嗨，另一个人却在一旁徘徊，拿不准自己该不该加入进来。
Pay attention, also, to how you acknowledge to your nonprimary relationships. How will a partner you may never live with feel loved and secure? What rights does this partner have to your time and attention? How can you offer affection and reassurance to everyone who is important to you? Make it a point to let everyone you love know it. Make agreements to your life partner about what you will do when an outside partner needs support or has a crisis like an accident or illness. Who makes the chicken soup? How about you? (Both of your authors make great chicken soup.)
同时，也要花点时间想清楚: 对除了和老伴儿之外的其他亲密关系，你是如何看待的？一个或许从未和你一起生活过的伴侣，究竟如何感受到你的爱意，确信自己不会被你抛弃？Ta能从你这里，在相互关爱、陪伴的层面，得到什么利益？对每一个你所珍视的人，你怎样才能让ta们感受到被关爱，和对这段关系的确定感？你对上述问题的答案，一定要确保，让每个和你相爱的人都知道。对和你一起生活的老伴儿，你还需要和ta就以下问题达成共识: 如果你在外面的某个伴侣，一旦需要你的援助，或者遭遇不幸、罹患重病，你会怎么处理？ 平时谁来承担家庭开销、家务责任？你自己，又在扮演着怎样的角色，发挥着这样的作用？（本书的两位作者，都烧得一手好菜。）
设定你的边界
Section titled “设定你的边界”LIMIT-SETTING
To be a happy slut, you need to know how—and when—to say no. Having a clear sense of your own limits, and respecting those limits, can help you feeling good about yourself and help prevent those morning-after blues. Some limits may be about sexual behaviors: Would you have sex with a gender other than the one you usually do? Would you try a kind of sex you think is kinky? Limits about safer sex and birth control are obviously required; there are some things you definitely do not want to bring home with you. Some limits might be about relationship styles, such as frequency of contract or intensity of connection. We also encourage you to think about ethical dilemmas and how you’d react to them. Would you, for example, be a lovers to a coupled individual whose partner doesn’t know your involvement? Would you lie to a lover? Fake an orgasm?
要想既坚持淫荡又不易受伤，一路骚情一路欢笑，你就必须懂得: 在什么情况下，以怎样的方式，说“不”。哪些事情，是你不喜欢、不乐意、不希望发生的: 你需要对自己的这些界限，有清晰明确的认知；并且，要认真对待自己的界限 【任凭别人怎样“半推半就”地鼓动你，如果你不愿意，就绝对不要勉强自己，明确回绝便可——译者注 】 ，这样才能避免在（懵懵懂懂、不太情愿地）做完之后，回想起来便感到后悔、吃亏、沮丧。某些类型的性行为，也许是你的“雷区”，比如，如果你是过去只和异性做爱，能否在某个场合，试着和同性上床？或者，你愿意尝试下你打心眼里觉得“变态”的性行为吗？——上述种种，唯有你自己才能决定。尤其是，安全性行为（如戴套防艾滋），和避免意外怀孕，显然是必须的，这在任何时候，都不能妥协迁就。另外，你可能在亲密关系模式上，也有自己的偏好和雷区，比如多久做一次、喜欢温柔些还是刚猛些。最后，笔者建议你，对各种“道德上的两难之境”，都不妨设想下: 如果换成我，我会怎么做。举个例子，如果你爱上了一个有夫之妇或有妇之夫，会怎么办？或者，你觉得一定要对所爱之人，每一句话都诚实吗？——倘若你认为答案是肯定的，那么假装高潮、假叫床，又该怎么算呢？
And then there is the very, very important limit of “I don’t want to.” “No, thank you, I don’t feel like sex right now.” Even it’s your anniversary. Even if you’re supposed want to. Even if you haven’t for a long time. No excuses needed.
能够坦言拒绝，说出“我不想这样做”、“我现在不想做”，这极其关键。即使在对你们有特殊意义的纪念日，即使对方一厢情愿地认为你乐意 即使你已经很长时间没上床，只要你现在不想做，那就尽管拒绝，不需要其他任何理由。
When you respect your own limit, others will learn to respect them too. People tend to live up to your standards when you are not afraid to set them. Only when everyone’s limits are in the open do you become free to ask for your dearest fantasies, secure in the acknowledge that if your friend doesn’t want to, he won’t. From this position we can ask for the earth and wind up getting a goodly chunk of it.
当你对自己的边界，钉是钉铆是铆，不妥协不迁就，也能够让其ta人养成习惯，把你的拒绝话语，认真当回事，不故意践踏你的雷区。只要你勇敢地坚持自己的原则，其ta人也大都会照办。只有当大家都能把自己的界限，摊开在桌面，其中的每一个人，才能放心大胆地提出自己想要的玩法，并且相互明确每个人的自我表达，“要就是要，不要就是不要”。在这种情况下，你可以提出自己想要的一切，并且能够从中得到很多。
PLANNING
Successful sluts know that relationships don’t just happen—they take work, planning, and commitment. Few of us have so much time on our hands that we can simply have conversations, sex, recreation, family time, or even fights whenever we feel like it—mundane reality has a way of getting in the way of such important stuff. And yes, we do think fighting is important and necessary, we’ll talk more about the hows and whys in Chapter 14, “Embracing Conflict”. If scheduling a fight seems a little bit absurd, just imagine the results of letting the tension build for several days because you haven’t time to argue.
那些玩得很溜的婊子，绝不会眼巴巴地期待亲密关系和馅饼一起，从天而降掉进自己嘴里。他们会主动争取，对此作好规划，全身心地投入执行。我们大都无法做到随时都能为了一次交谈、一次性爱、一次游玩、一次家庭聚会，拿出大块时间。甚至，我们可能连吵架撕逼的闲工夫都腾不出来。这就是芸芸众生的现实，上述的每一件事虽然都很重要，但往往会被日常生活的林林总总，挤得没有一点时间、没有一席之地。顺便一提，笔者确实认为，吵架撕逼非常重要，甚至必不可少，在后面的第十四章“拥抱冲突”中，将对为何开撕、如何开撕，进行详细探讨。也许你会觉得，专门为了干仗，提前安排时间，这未免有些狗血；那么，你不妨想想看，如果你连吵架拌嘴都没空，任由双方的紧张关系，在随后几天里，不断凝结、淤积，将是怎样的结局。
Get yourself an appointment calendar or PDA and use it（Janet used to schedule sex with her first husband, Finn, with the cryptic note “F.F.” just in case a coworker should glance into her Daily Runner）. Some families of sluts have discovered complex online calendars that they can keep jointly, and thus everyone can see what everyone else is doing and make plans accordingly. Once you’ve made a commitment to spend time together for any reason, keep it—we know you’re busy, but postponing important relationship work to attend to other business does not speak well of the significance you give your relationships, does it?
不妨为你自己，准备一个约会日程表，或者掌上电脑，将其付诸落地应用。（本书作者之一珍妮特，在和第一任老公菲恩一起过时，就用笔和纸，对什么时候和他做爱，进行提前规划。她用“F.F.”的隐语，来指代”Fuck Finn”，这样即使被同事无意中看到，也不会造成尴尬。）一些开放关系的家庭，采用共享的在线日程表，来保持协同，每个人都能看到其ta所有人，接下来的时间如何安排，这样就能在安排自己的时间时，尽量彼此兼顾，避免相互冲突。只要你答应在某段时间将要和谁在一起，就要恪守承诺，切忌临时变卦。我们知道你很忙，但如果你珍惜这份亲密关系，就没有理由放鸽子，拿这段时间去忙别的事，不是吗？
永无止境的自我认知
Section titled “永无止境的自我认知”KNOWING YOURSELF…
And knowing your programming. As we have said before, we are all carrying around a lot of garbage in our minds about sex and gender. No one can grow up in our culture and escape picking up puritanical and inaccurate idea about sex. Some of these beliefs are buried so deep they can drive our behavior unconsciously, without our knowing it, and cause a great deal of pain and confusion to ourselves and the people we love. All too often, in the name of these beliefs, we oppress other people, and ourselves.
认识你自己，包括对自身“程序模式”的觉察。笔者早就说过，我们每个人，对性与性别的看法，都难免包含着一大堆谬论垃圾。我们在这样的文化环境下长大，人人都是“性不洁观”和“性独占欲”的病毒携带者，都难免有很多不靠谱的性观念。有些陈腐谬见，在我们心中根深蒂固，以致我们被其“牵着鼻子走”，屡屡陷入痛苦和困惑，既不会好好爱别人，也不会真正爱自己；然而，我们却对相爱相杀的问题根源，也就是深入灵魂的陈腐谬见，一直浑然不觉。很多时候，我们在某些观念的指引下，既压迫别人，也压迫自己。
These deeply held beliefs are the roots of sexism and sex-negativism, and to be a radical slut you are going to uproot them. To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration, to learn about yourself from reading, therapy, and best of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on similar paths. This hard work is well worth it because it is the way you become free to choose how you want to live and love, own your life, and become truly the author of your experience.
内心深处的谬见，是滋生种种性与性别的偏见、歧视，和性不洁观、性有害论的问题根源。如果你想要对自己“野猪大改造”，修炼成一个身心坦荡、昂然走在时代前列的婊子，就需要将那些陈规谬见连根拔起、彻底清除。真正的自知之明，是一场永无止境的自我探索之旅，你可以通过读书和心理治疗等来实现，但最有效的途径，莫过于和同道中人，不断进行交流沟通。这是一个艰辛的历程，但值得我们迈步前行，因为在这条路上，你能够对自己如何生活、如何去爱，拥有更多的自由和选项，主动把握自己的日常，亲手谱写属于你自己的人生篇章。
你的内心感受，你自己做主
Section titled “你的内心感受，你自己做主”OWN YOUR FEELINGS
A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns her own feelings. No one “makes” you feel jealousy or insecure—the person who makes you feel that way is you. No matter what the other person is doing, what you feel in response is determined inside you. Even when somebody deliberately tries to hurt you, you make a choice about how you feel. You might feel angry, or hurt, or frightened, or guilty (one of your authors was raised Catholic, so she was trained to feel guilty about astonishing stuff). The choice, not usually conscious, happens inside you.
在和亲密伴侣的沟通中，有这样一个基本准则: 每个人的内心感受，都是“自产自销”、“自业自得”。没有什么人，能够“使”你吃醋，“令”你不安——那个导致你产生任何情绪之人，唯有你自己。无论别人做出什么，你所为之激发的情绪反应，都仅仅取决于你自己的内心世界。即使有人存心伤害你，你依然拥有对自己所思所感的决定权。你可能会感到愤怒，感到恐惧，也有可能，会产生自我负罪感，怀疑自己有错再先，才招来伤害或曰报应（本书的一位作者，在信奉天主教的家庭长大，从小被如此“教毁”: 如果别人对你不好，你搞不懂为啥，那么你就更需要自我反思，一定是你做错了什么）。你对自己内心情绪的主宰、抉择，也许是不知不觉的，但时时刻刻都在发生。
This understanding is not as easy as it sounds. When you feel rotten, it can be hard to accept the responsibility for how you feel: wouldn’t this be easier if it were someone else’s fault? Then maybe that person could fit it, and if not, well, maybe you can go ballistic and vent a little stream and melt the whole relationship down in the process.
上述的大道理，说容易，实行难。在你情绪糟糕透顶的时候，恐怕很难接受“我的情绪咋样，都是我自己造成的”。相比之下，归咎于其他人的过错，会让你更加心安理得，不是吗？也许，确实有个“罪魁祸首”，导致你的心情如此恶劣；但也许，你找不到合适的替罪羊兼出气筒，或者别人并没做错什么。遇到后一种情况，恐怕你逮住谁就会向谁“开火”， 其结果，是把你的人际关系、亲密关系，处处都搞得很僵。
The problem is that when you blame someone else for how your feel, you disempower yourself from finding solutions. If this is someone else’s fault, only that person can fix it, right? So poor you can’t do anything but sit there and moan.
其症结在于，当你将自己的内心感受，归咎于别人时，你走上了自我赋权的反面——自我弃权，削弱了自己“寻找解决方案”的内在动力。如果这是别人的错，那么，也只有那个犯错的人，才能对此负责，是不是啊？所以，你对自己内心的负面情绪，除了坐在那里哀叹遇人不淑，其他什么也做不了: 这何其可怜！
On the other hand, when you own your feelings, you have lots of choices whether or not you want to act on these feelings (no more “the devil made me do it”) , you can learn how to understand yourself better, you can comfort yourself or ask for comfort. Owning your feeling is basic to understanding the boundaries where you end and the next person begins and the perfect first step towards self-acceptance and self-love.
而从另一个方面看，当你主动对自己的内心感受负责，“我的情绪我做主”时，你一下子拥有了很多种选择，自行决定是否为你此时此刻的情绪采取些措施，或者索性顺其自然。在上述过程中，你将学会怎样让自己的心情变得好一些，你会设法自我安慰，或者主动寻求其ta人的安慰。做自己情绪的主人，才能真正懂得自己和其ta人之间的边界，从而“行所当行，止于不可不止”。而且，做自己情绪的主人，也是迈向自我接纳和自我喜爱的第一步。
别难为自己，多些平常心
Section titled “别难为自己，多些平常心”GOING EASY ON YOURSELF
As prepared as you are, as centered as you are, as stable as you are, you are going to trip over problems you never anticipated—we guarantee.
任凭你的准备有多么充分，任凭你的身心有多么投入，任凭你的意志有多么坚定，总会有一些难关，将使你一筹莫展——笔者就此铁口直断。
Perhaps the most important step in dealing with problems is to recognize that they will happen and that it’s okay that they do. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll encounter beliefs, myths, and “buttons” you never knew you had. There will be times when you feel pretty awful.
面对任何问题，也许最重要的解决步骤，莫过于坦然接纳这个问题的平常心——发生问题在所难免，一切结果顺其自然。人非圣贤孰能无过，你也同样会犯错。在各种际遇下，你的脑子里，难免充斥着很多执念和迷思，和不少未曾觉察的“按钮”——天晓得一旦按下去会发生什么。将来走着瞧，你注定会经历很多心乱如麻、撕心裂肺的至暗时刻。
Can we tell you how to avoid feeling bad? Nope. But we think you’d forgive a friend or love who misunderstood and made a mistake, and we hope you’ll grant yourself the same amnesty. (As Morticia Addams says: “Don’t beat yourself up, Gomez; that’s my job.”) Knowing, loving and respecting yourself is an absolute prerequisite to knowing, loving and respecting someone else. Cut yourself some slack.
如何避免坏情绪？有谁能够指点你？答案是：谁也没办法。然而，笔者相信，对发生误解的朋友或情人，你大概会原谅ta；那么，你也应该把同样的宽容，用在自己身上，放自己一马。（正如美剧《亚当斯一家》的女主角魔蒂夏，对她老公戈梅斯所言：“不许你打击你自己，能打击你的只有我。”）唯有自知、自爱和自尊，才能够知人、爱人、尊重别人。别再难为自己啦，给你自己松绑吧！
A friend of ours, when she trips over some surprisingly intense emotional response, says, philosophically, “Oh well—AFOG,” which stands, she says, for Anther Fucking Opportunity of Growth. Learning from one’s mistakes isn’t fun, but it’s way better than not learning at all.
笔者的一个朋友，每当遭遇倒霉事、濒临大爆发时，就会以哲人般的话语，抚平自己的心绪：“我操的嘞，这其实也是个好机会，让我吃一堑长一智，增加经验值。”从错误中吸取教训，难免充满痛苦，但相比之下，总胜过一无所得。
TELLING THE TRUTH
Throughout your experience—as you feel pain, ambivalence, joy—you must speak your own truth, first to yourself, and then to those around you. Silent suffering and self-deception have no place in this lifestyle. Pretending you feel great when you’re in agony will not make you a better slut; it will make you bitterly unhappy, and it may make those who care about you even unhappier. Everybody feels bad sometimes, so you are in excellent company. And when you have the courage to be open about a vulnerable feeling, everyone around you gets permission to be open with theirs.
酸甜苦辣或者进退两难等等的内心情感，贯穿伴随着你的生存与体验。你首先要诚实面对自己，唯有这样，才可能对身边的其ta人，坦诚倾诉衷肠。打肿脸充胖子的自欺，对我们婊子而言，是人生大忌。难过时假装坚强，并不会让你真正变得更强，相反，这样做只会让你雪上加霜，而且，还会给那些真心在意你的人，带来更多困扰。人人都难免在一些时候情绪低落，你的内心痛苦，其ta人也经历过，大家都和你一样，经历着悲欢离合。当你把自己心中最害怕被触碰的所在，勇敢地说出来，这一刻，其ta人也无异于得到了你的许可，得以向你敞开心扉。
When you tell the truth, you discover how much you have in common with the people you care about. Honesty puts you all in an excellent position to support yourselves and each other in a life based on understanding and loving acceptance. As you dig deeper and share your discoveries, you may learn more about yourself and others than you ever know before. Welcome that knowledge, and keep on digging for more.
当你卸下伪装，道出自己的真实状况，你会发现，那些为你所重视的人，其实和你有很多很多的共通之处。学会诚实，会让你一辈子都处在自助和助人的绝佳位置，全面的理解和善意的接纳，是你脚下的稳固基石。如果你愿意在诚实交往中，对人际之间情感共鸣的新发现，不断深入挖掘，不断相互交流，从中，你将进一步了解你自己，进一步了解其ta人，获得前所未有的新知。这样的新知，想必多多益善；这样的挖掘探索，也应持续不断。
练习题 以下信念，多试试看
Section titled “练习题 以下信念，多试试看”EXERCISE Some Affirmations to try
- I deserve love.
- My body is sexy just the way it is.
- I ask for whatever I want, and say no to whatever I don’t.
- I turn difficulties into opportunities for growth.
- Each new connection expands me.
- I contain all I need for a life full of delight.
- Sex is a beautiful expression of my loving spirit.
- I am on my personal path to ecstasy.
- 爱与被爱，是我理所应得的。
- 我的身体，充满独特的性感。
- 对我想要的一切，我坦言追求；对不想要的一切，我直接拒绝。
- 面前的难题，是我变得更强的机遇。
- 新的人际关联，让我的世界不断拓宽。
- 我接纳自己的欲望，一生充满曙光。
- 性爱的彩虹，映照出我的美丽心灵。
- 我以自己的步伐，走在我所专属的性福之路。