第10章 勾搭和勾引
CHAPTER TEN Flirting and Cruising
FLIRTING AND CRUISING are fine arts, and skills you can learn even though few people develop them overnight.
勾搭和勾引，是多种艺术和技巧的综合，你可以通过学习来掌握。不过这门功夫，几乎没有谁能够“一夜之间练成”、短平快地搞定。
Is there a difference between flirting and cruising? Some people think of “flirting” as what you do in environments that are not erotically oriented, and “cruising” as what you do in clubs, conferences, bars and other places where people often seek sex partners. Or you might see flirting as a more introductory maneuver and cruising as what you do when you know for sure that you’re interested. Both involve an exchange of sexual energy in the form of eye contact, body language, smiles and warmth, and little flashes of erotic energy that can be shared long before any physical contact would be appropriate.
勾搭和勾引，二者可有不同？有人认为，“勾搭”，一般发生在性爱没啥直接关联的地方；而“勾引”，则发生于大家都在找人约炮的夜总会、性聚会、性酒吧等场合。或者，你也可以把“勾搭”，理解为一种侧重于自我介绍、彼此融冰的技巧，而“勾引”，则在你确信对方对你有兴趣时，方可进行。无论“勾搭”还是“勾引”，二者都离不开性能量的沟通——通过眼神交流、肢体语言、微笑示好和温情流露等方式；然而，在彼此有身体接触之前，便发出露骨的性信号，往往会适得其反、败事有余。
Sex roles can complicated both flirting and cruising. Men in this culture are taught to push, to insist, never to take “no” for answer; women are taught to be coy, to refuse, never to offer an outright “yes”. The more polarized we get in this silly equation, the further we push one another away—with results that range from hurt feeling to date rape.
无论勾引还是勾搭，都会因为性别角色的差异，而变得复杂。我们所处的社会文化，将男人塑造成“推手”和“坚持者”，对性邀约来者不拒；而女人则被塑造得腼腆羞怯，对性爱只会拒绝，不会直截了当地说“我想要”。在这种相互掣肘的局面下，双方越是处于不同的极端，越会相互排斥。上述状况所造成的负面结果，从导致情感受伤，到酿成约会强暴。
The good news, though, is that both sets of behaviors can be unlearned and that the more we unlearn them, the less there is to unlearn. When all genders feel free to answer “yes” and “no” with no concern for anything but their own desires, a truer understanding and a more positive sexuality become possible.
不过，无论男人还是女人，各自的那套行为模式，都可以改变。你改变得越彻底，之后的道路就越顺利。当任何性别的人，都能心态放松地表示同意或者拒绝——仅仅以自己的意愿为准绳、此外再无其他考虑——彼此之间就能更好地相互理解，大家对性爱的种种方面，也将产生更为美好的感受。
Dossie tells the story of a woman friend of hers back in the 1970s who decided to experiment with what was supposed to be every man’s fantasy. She sat patiently in a singles bar one night, being approached by many men, until one whom she felt attracted came along and began to flirt. He asked if he could buy her a drink, and she asked him nicely if he would like to come back to her place and fuck. He swallowed his ice. It took the poor fellow a couple of minutes before he could talk coherently again, and when they actually got to her place he found himself impotent. They did share some perfectly lovely massage. That’s how deeply ingrained some of these cultural stereotypes can be.
本书作者之一道茜，讲述了自己的一位女性朋友，在1970年代的一段经历。当时那个女孩，打算做个貌似能让每个男人都心花怒放的实验。那个夜晚，她在单身者约会的酒吧里淡然静坐，很多男人纷纷对她示好。她觉得其中一个男人貌似还不错，便开始勾搭他。那个男人问她：我请你喝一杯，如何？她柔声回问道：你陪我一起回家，上床肏我，好吗？当时，那个男人咽下了自己杯中的冰块，可怜巴巴地张口结舌好几分钟，才总算回过神。他答应和道茜一起回家，但他在上床时阳痿了。两个人相互爱抚，同样玩得很嗨。——从这个故事里，我们可以看到，“女人应该怎样、男人应该怎样”的性别刻板印象，是何等根深蒂固！ 【主动提出性爱要约的女人，将男人吓住了；但即使如此，那个男人也不好意思拒绝，依然跟着女孩一起回家，直到上了床，才明确发现自己的老二，此刻横竖都不行。以上都是性别刻板印象的典型，也就是女性被男性默认为“不应该”、“不可能”如此主动，否则足以让性致勃勃的男人因此而阳痿；以及，那个男人即使阳痿了，也不好意思拒绝和那个女孩一起回家，大概直到一起上床时，还幻想自己能够重振雄风……但越是这样，越容易痿，所谓“身体不说谎”。当然，各类插入行为，均非获取和分享性快感的必要条件；非插入式的性爱，同样可以很爽。——译者注 】
直言同意，直言拒绝
Section titled “直言同意，直言拒绝”Saying Yes, Saying No
If you’re going to put yourself out there and make connection with fellow sluts, it is vital that you get good at saying two simple little one-syllable words: “yes” and “no”. For most of us, who have been taught that “yes, please” is overeager and “no, thanks” is rude, these simple words may be unexpectedly difficult.
如果你打算放飞自我，找些同样放得开的人约，那么，就一定要能够明确表达“可以”（yes）或者“不可以”（no）。这看似简单，但至关重要。我们当中的大多数人，从小就被灌输：“你若直言同意，就会显得猴急；你若直言拒绝，就会显得粗鲁。” 为此，直言同意或拒绝，简单的话语背后，往往是超乎预想的难关。
Sexual sophisticates tend to give each other a lot of credit for knowing what they want. With this assumption, it becomes easier for your potential partners to make very direct proposals that might seen outrageous in any other context; that’s because they trust you to say “no” if you’re not interested. It is nobody’s task but your own to figure out what you want, and nobody can or should second-guess you. So you are going to have to learn to say “no”, and to say “no” easily enough that having to turn down a couple of unwelcome come-ons won’t ruin your evening.
那些性爱老手，往往会深信每个人都非常清楚自己想要什么。带着这样的假设，就能和潜在的约会对象之间，更加轻松舒适地谈论种种在其他场合不便言说的话题。之所以能够如此，是因为他们认定，你只要不喜欢，就会立刻提出拒绝。你究竟想要什么，只有你自己能够明确选择，其他人没有能力代劳，也无法猜测你的内心。所以，你必须学会直言拒绝。满不在乎地拒绝几次，不会让你在当晚有任何损失。
Men as well as women have trouble with “no”—men are taught that they are always supposed to be eager for sex, so if someone comes on to a man when he is not ready, or not interested, it can feel unmanly and wrong to to say “no”.
不仅是女人，男人也经常会不好意思说“不”——男人被长期灌输的理念是：要随时都能“金枪不倒”；男人面对不期而至的性邀约，即使仓促惊慌或者性趣全无，如果直言拒绝，也会显得“不够爷们儿”，对此难以启齿。
The trick to a comfortable “no” is to structure it in such a way that it’s about you, not about them. So instead of “with you? Are you out of your mind” you’re saying “No, thanks, you seen nice but I’m not feeling much connection with you”, or “No, thanks, I’m not looking for lovers right now”, or “No, thanks, I prefer to get to know people a lot better before I do anything like that with them.” Important note: the “thanks” should be sincere. Being asked, even by someone you don’t find attractive, is a compliment and deserves a thank-you. If you think someone is ridiculous for finding you attractive, we worry about your self-esteem.
想要云淡风轻地说不、拒绝，这里有个小窍门——建立这样一种思维模式：“我的拒绝，仅仅是因为我自己的原因，并非针对其他任何人。”拒绝对方的措辞，显然不应该是“你想和我上床？也不撒泡尿照照自己的熊样儿！谁给你的勇气？”，哪怕要表达类似的意思，也不妨替换为“不了，谢谢，你确实很不错，但我对你不来电”、“不了，谢谢，我现在并不想找情侣”，或者是“不了，谢谢，我无论和谁，都希望在做那种事之前，彼此先有更充分的了解”。重要提示：当你道谢时，一定要诚恳。来自任何人的邀请——哪怕是你毫无性趣的人——都是对你的充分肯定，都值得你为此道谢。如果你觉得，某个人被你吸引，是一件荒唐事，那么，笔者只能为你如此之低的自尊，而感到忧心。
Women have been taught that it is unfeminine to say “no” directly. Ask yourself: when was the last time you said “no” to sex? How did you do it? Was it with a polite and friendly but unmistakable “no thanks”? Or was it with a sort of “Not tonight, I’ve got a headache” or “maybe another time” or “I’ll think about it” waffle? We strongly suggest you work out a “no thanks” that feels comfortable to you; expecting the interested party to read your mind and somehow know that your “maybe…” means “no” is neither ethical nor slutty.
女人往往被灌输：“不能直接拒绝，否则就会显得没有女人味儿。” 为此，身为女人的你，需要问问自己：你上一次对性爱说“不”，是什么时候？你是怎么说、怎么做的？你有没有附带一句礼貌、友好并且确定无疑的“不了，谢谢你”？——或者，你的拒绝表达，更类似于“今晚不方便，我最近头疼”、“也许下次吧”或者“我再考虑考虑吧”这样的废话？笔者强烈建议，你一定要能够坦然说出“不了，谢谢”，而不要认为，喜欢你的人能读懂你的内心，更不要指望他们能够理解你所说的“也许……”就意味着拒绝。上述的一厢情愿，既不合理、不道德，更没有半点光明正大的婊气。
Women also need to practice saying “yes”. Our cultural myth is that the man in a heterosexual interaction pleads with, or cons, or bullies the woman into saying “yes”, or at least refraining from saying “no”, and then does whatever he thinks is appropriate. Women need to equalize here, to do more of the choosing, to know what it is that you enjoy and to be able to say clearly what you want to whomever you find attractive. And if you are a man whose programming is more about what you think you are supposed to want than what you are actually want, then you need to learn to say “yes” to your real desires when they appear on your doorstep.
女人也需要练习说出“好的，来吧”。我们所处的社会文化，有这样一个迷思或曰误区，认为男人一旦处于异性恋爱关系，就会通过软磨硬泡、连哄带骗乃至霸王硬上弓，让女方表示同意，至少不能直言拒绝，从而对她为所欲为。对这样的文化处境，女人需要设法平衡——去做更多的自主选择，去深入了解自己的性趣所在，从而能够清晰表述自己究竟喜欢什么样的人。尤其是，如果你是一个更多考虑“我应该怎样”，而非聚焦于”我想要怎样”的人，那就更需要着重学习表达“我想要”，不要让近在眼前的良机，因羞于启齿而白白错过。
Once you’ve gotten comfortable with “no”, “yes” is usually easier (and more fun). Try it, in all its variations: “Yes, please.” “Yes, when?” “Yes, but I have some limits I want to tell you about first.” “Yes, but I need you to talk to my partner first.” “Yes, but not tonight; how does next Thursday look for you?” “Hell, yes!”
当你能够坦然放松地直言拒绝，那么，直言同意往往也会变得更加简单（并有更多性趣）。赶快试试看，包括直言同意的各种变化形式：“好的，来吧！” 、“好的，啥时候？”、“好的，但我有些要求，需要提前告诉你。”、“好的，但要先告诉的伴侣。”、“好的，但今晚不行，下周四你方便吗？”、“我肏的嘞，你赶紧上吧！”
练习题 演练“同意”和“拒绝”
Section titled “练习题 演练“同意”和“拒绝””EXERCISE Practicing Yes and No
Write down a little speech, maybe a few sentences, that you might use to invite someone to have sex with you. Write down another little speech you might use to decline sex in a polite and nonhurtful way.
当你想要邀请某个人和你上床，你会对ta说什么？把要说的话写下来——也许只有短短的几句。
当你想要拒绝某个人的性爱邀约，你会对ta说什么？同样，把你要说的话写下来——以有礼貌、不伤人的方式表达。
与人勾搭的技艺
Section titled “与人勾搭的技艺”The Fine Art of Flirting
Everybody is born knowing how to flirt, and if you doubt it, watch the way a baby or toddler interacts with nearby adults: lots of eye contact, smiles, maybe a chortle of welcome and the offer of a beloved toy (which must, according to the rules, be promptly handed back after due admiration, just like adult toys).
与人勾搭，是每个人与生俱来的天赋。如果你对此怀疑，那就找个婴儿或幼童，看看ta怎样与周围的成年人进行互动：大量的目光接触、面露笑容，可能还有表示亲近的咯咯笑声，或者，把自己喜欢的玩具展示给对方。（最后一种做法，按照幼童的游戏规则，往往会在如愿以偿得到对方的夸赞后，立刻将玩具要回来——正如我们也会用俗称成人玩具的情趣用品，对人进行挑逗，玩过之后把情趣用品带回去而非送给对方。）
Most of us, though, lose this precious ability by the time we’re grown-ups and need to learn it all again from scratch. Your authors believe that great flirting should be an end in itself rather than a means to an end. Practice flirting for fun, and maybe put aside, for the moment, any specific goals about getting laid. Focus on getting good connection. Watch the way many gay men flirt with straight women—friendly flattery, lighthearted innuendo, nonthreatening intimacy, all made possible by the realization that the interaction is intended simply for mutual pleasure, not in the hopes of a quick dash to the nearest bedroom.
然而，我们当中的大多数，都在长大以后，丧失了幼年的宝贵天赋，需要从零开始，重新学习。本书的两位作者一致认为，勾引，本身就是终极目标，而非为了达成其他目标的手段。尝试着纯粹为了开心，而去勾引别人——至于“和对方上床”的目标，至少在你勾引对方的时刻，要先把它放下，丢在一边。你需要聚焦于：和对方建立良好的人际关系。为此，你不妨观察下男同和直女之间的聊骚：友好的恭维，轻快的吐槽，人畜无害的亲近。之所以能够如此，是因为双方都有“如此骚聊，纯粹为了一起寻开心”的共识，谁也不会存心要对方和自己就近开房，赶快打一炮。
We suggest, then, that you learn to flirt simply by practicing. The sort of behavior you may associate with the word “flirting” (“hay, baby, what’s your sigh?”) is not the sort of thing we’re talking about here and is, in fact, its exact opposite. Great flirting is about seeing; hunger to be seen is a natural human emotion, and when you show people that you’re seeing him, it’s natural for them to start seeing you.
故此，笔者建议你，去练习单纯的勾引、搭讪。你主动结识其ta人——也就是“勾引”——可能只是问问对方的星座之类；其言语风格，和笔者在此与你的书面沟通方式，非但大不相同，而且，确切地说，二者刚好截然相反。高水平的勾引、搭讪，核心要素是“关注”。每个人都有渴望被他人关注的天性。当你对某个人显示出你对ta的关注，对方自然也会开始留意你。
A lot of flirting is nonverbal. There’s a way of holding eye contact for just a moment longer than usual—more than a passing glance, less than a outright stare—that lets a person know that you find them worth looking at. Turn your body so that you’re facing the object the object of your interest, and stay physically open, arms and legs uncrossed. Smile.
勾引，在很多时候，以非语言的方式交流。方法之一，是比平时稍长一点的目光接触——比“惊鸿一瞥”长一些，但也不要一直紧盯着对方——这样就能让对方，觉察到自己正在被人关注，体会到被人关注的自我价值感。当你和感兴趣的人目光接触时，不妨转过身，面对着那个人，并且让自己的身体保持开放姿态，双手双脚都不要交叉。同时，面带微笑。
If your flirting proceeds to words, we suggest a sincere, personal, but nonsexual compliment to start. Is the person at the drying cleaning counter wearing a new pair of glasses? Is the person next to you on the park bench leading a poodle that’s sporting a fresh haircut? Did you hear through the grapevine that your next-door neighbor just got a nice promotion at work? A sincere compliment on any of these is a way of saying, “I’m paying attention to you; you’re not just a face in the crowd to me.” This approach may not seem like flirting to you, but trust us, it’s a great first step. Commenting on physical appearance, particularly in a sexual way (“hey, those pants make your ass look great!”) is not what we’re talking about here. Your goal is to make your friend feel fully seen, not reduce to an agglomeration of body parts.
如果你通过话语，来勾引别人，笔者建议，你的第一句话，要坦诚、真实，要突出对方的个人特质，但不要一上来就关乎性事。干洗店柜台前的那个人，是不是戴着一副崭新的眼镜？在你身边，那个坐在公园长凳上，牵着狗绳的人，发型是不是看上去很清新？你有没有私下得知，你的邻居有了喜事，工作升了职？以上种种，都是真诚赞美的话题；这样的赞美，无异于表明：“你在我眼中与众不同，我一直在关注着你。” 也许你觉得，这样的说话方式，不像是勾引对方——但是，请相信笔者——这是非常有效的第一步。相反，如果评论对方的身体、外貌，尤其是带有性暗示的语言（比如“嘿，透过你的裤子，可以看到你的屁股线条真性感！”），不要在此时此刻出现。须知，你的目的是：让对方感受到自己正在被你关注——而不是让对方把注意力，转向某些身体部位。
Watch for feedback. If we were cruising you and you turned your face away from us, took a step back, or crossed your arms, we’d know you weren’t interested in connecting and we’d move on gracefully. We wouldn’t like it any better than anyone else does, but we’d do our best not to feel rejected—you don’t know us and don’t know what you’re missing out on. Besides, for all we know, you’re on the way to a date with someone you already know and are simply not available at that moment.
留意对方的反馈讯号。假如当本书的作者和你搭讪时，你转过脸用后脑勺对着我们，脚步往后退，或者双臂交叉在一起，我们就会得知，你没兴趣与我们交流；接下来，我们会优雅地走开。我们也和别人一样，绝不希望遇到这种情况。然而，我们会尽量让自己，不要产生被拒绝的挫败感——“你根本不理解我们，也不晓得你自己错过了多少机会！” 除此之外，我们还会设想，此刻的你之所以会拒绝，是因为你正在寻找某个熟人约会；也就是说，你只是暂时不方便和我们交流（而非不喜欢我们、看不上我们）。
One of the most successful flirts we know says he has a never-fail opening line: “Hi, I’m Mike.” From there, he and the object of his attention can proceed wherever their interests take them: the weather or scenery, their work, their kids or pets, the sorry state of the world today, their favorite foods, whatever. This stage of flirting is exploration, getting to know their this wonderful new person, discovering the ways in which you’re similar and the ways in which you’re different, seeing how you might connect. The sexy part of this is in the energy—the flash of a smile, a brightness in the eye. You usually can tell when you’re talking and when you’re flirting —it’s the energy.
就笔者所知，最成功的勾搭方式之一，是个据说从未失败过的开场白：首先自报姓名，比如“嗨，我叫麦克” ，接下来，便和自己感兴趣的对象，聊各种天南海北的话题——从这里的天气和风景，到各自的工作、孩子和宠物，或者世界各地最近发生的倒霉事，啥都可以。这样的勾搭，是个探索过程，对自己感兴趣之人，能够很快了解，发现彼此的共性和差异，进而明确应当怎样与之交流。这个过程中，堪称性感的部分是“能量”——例如“放电”的笑容、“发光”的眼神。在此情况下，你一般都能够明确区分，什么时候是普通的聊天，什么时候是在勾搭彼此——二者的能量，明显不一样。
We recognize that if you are shy, or have been taught that nice girls or boys don’t flirt, or are accustomed to a more predatory style of flirting, all this can be difficult to learn. We wish we had a magic flirting wand that we could wave at you, but since we don’t, you’re just going to have to practice. A willing friend, preferably of the gender (if not the orientation) that you normally flirt with, can be a help here: pretend that you’re meeting for the first time and try flirting. The friend can give you feedback about whether you’re coming on too weak or too strong and help you refine your skills. When you start enjoying flirting in and of itself, without thinking about where it might lead, you’ll know you’re on the right track.
笔者深知，如果你很腼腆，或者被灌输一堆“好姑娘好小伙，绝不主动和别人勾搭”之类，再或者，你已经养成了“捕猎”的习惯，一上来就单刀直入、霸气侧漏——那么上述种种，对你而言，确实很难。笔者希望有个勾搭技能的魔法杖，只要向你一挥，你便立刻学会。但笔者没有这样的魔法，所以，勾搭技能只能靠你自己练习。最好能找到一个乐意帮你的朋友——这个朋友的性别，最好和你经常勾搭的人，是一致的。接下来，你假装和ta第一次见面，试着去勾搭ta。那个朋友可以给你种种反馈：你勾搭时的底气太弱了，或者气场太强了，等等。如此一来，你就可以不断改善你的勾搭技能。当你开始享受勾搭本身，而不再关注接下来会如何发展，你就会意识到，自己终于步入了正轨。
亮出你的婊气
Section titled “亮出你的婊气”Coming Out Slutty
Unless you’re doing your cruising in exclusively poly environments, it is reasonable to expect that the object of your attentions may not (yet) have read this book and may not be familiar with slutty lifestyles. At some point, therefore, you are going to have to get it out there that monogamy is not on your personal menu of options.
除非是在一个对外封闭、大家彼此熟悉的多边关系小圈子里，否则，就不要预设你所感兴趣的对象，也曾读过这本书；相反，那个人可能对婊里婊气、性爱开放的生活方式，一无所知。所以，你需要在某个时刻，向对方告知：一对一的封闭爱情，不是你的生活选项。
We can’t tell you exactly when or how to do this, except that we vote for sooner rather than later. If both of you are just looking for a quick fling or a party scene, it may not be necessary to discuss such matters at all. However, if the fling leads to a second date, that may be the right time to let your new friend know that you’re not interested in going steady, now or ever.
究竟应该在什么时候，以怎样的方式，将上述情况告知对方？对此，笔者也没有标准答案。如果你们双方，都在寻求短平快的约炮对象，或者把彼此作为聚会中衬托自己的“背景墙”，那就可能根本无需谈及上述问题。不过，如果这次约过之后，还有下次可能，大概就到了该向对方“出柜”的时刻——让你的新朋友知道，无论现在还是将来，你都不想要一对一的封闭、稳定关系。
Working this into a normal conversation about software or surfing can be a little tricky, we know. A quick reference to your partners, emphasis on the plural, often does the trick. Or you can start a discussion of relationships in general, in order to get space to express your own opinions and desires.
笔者晓得，针对上述种种，和对方开启一场正式交流，恐怕有些难办。为此，你不妨偶尔捎带着谈论下你的那些性伴侣——着重强调多边关系。或者，你不妨就“亲密关系”这个大而泛之的话题，和对方展开探讨，从中寻找时机，讲述出你的观点，将你的欲望告知对方。
It may happen that the object of your attention is a devoted monogamist and that you nonetheless find this person extremely attractive. We have some words of advice for polyfolk who fall in love with monogamist in chapter 18, “Couples.”
接下来，也可能是这样的结果：你所感兴趣的对象，只认同一对一的封闭关系，然而，ta却令你格外痴迷。一旦多边关系者，爱上了一对一封闭关系的信徒，该怎么办？针对这种情况，笔者的一些建议，请参阅本书第18章，“多元多样的伴侣关系”。
勾引别人，挑战自我
Section titled “勾引别人，挑战自我”Cruising Challenges
If you’re standing in the corner of a roomful of people, feeling like you’re the only one there who isn’t part of a happy group and like you’re never going to be able to connect again for the rest of your life, we suggest finding someone else who’s standing in the corner, and starting a conversation. Janet’s favorite opening line for this situation is, “Hi, I don’t know a soul here, can I stand here and talk to you for a while?”
当你在满屋子的人群中，独自被晾在某个角落，仿佛群体狂欢的局外人，又仿佛这辈子都再也无法和其他人沟通交流——笔者建议你，设法在人群中找到和你类似的孤独者，去和那个人聊天。本书作者之一的珍妮特，在这种境况下最喜欢使用的开场白是：“嗨，我刚看到，这里还有一个我不熟悉的人，我可以呆在这里，和你聊聊吗？”
Beyond that simple opening, which gets easier with practice, cruising strategies depend a lot on your own gender and the gender(s) of the people you’re seeking.
在简单易行的开场白话术之外，更重要的，是与人勾引的策略，这在很大程度上，取决于你的性别，和你所要搭讪之人的性别。 【根据不同性别，谈方法和技巧，这在一方面，是基于当下的现实经验，很可能确实有效；而另一方面，也需要考虑到性别表达的社会建构因素，避免“性别本质论”。所有的经验方法，无论过去和当下多么有效，都是基于被建构的、可流变的现实。现实情况如果发生了显著改变，之前管用的方法，就难免不再适用。——译者 】
给男人的建议
Section titled “给男人的建议”FOR MEN
Gay men have their own style of cruising, marked by a straightforward approach based on the understanding that most gay men are able to say “no, thank you” without much discomfort. Without the uncomfortable threat of physical overpowerment that pervades man-on-woman cruising, and free of any requirements beyond following their own desires, gay men often are able to cruise each other with greater reliance on body language and nonverbal cues than their het brothers, confident, as we all should be, that if body language is not understood, they will use their words.
男同在勾引他人时，有自己的鲜明风格，通常直来直去。因为他们相互认定：绝大多数男同都能非常放松、毫无压力地对不喜欢的性邀约，道出“不了，谢谢”。在男女之间，权力不对等的肢体接触 【即性别暴力，Gerder-based Violence，其中包括俗称“霸王硬上弓”的性侵害、性骚扰——译者 】 ，是非常普遍的；而这在男性之间，则往往不被视为一种危险因素 【男性之间的性侵、性暴力，绝对数量也很庞大。但长久至今的文化建构，使得通常而言，男性不会像女性那样，从小被“吓大”，流氓和强奸犯就像鬼故事中的幽灵，仿佛随时都在自己身边徘徊——译者 】 。为此，男人可以非常放松地和其他人表述自己的欲望，处处遵从自己的内心。男同之间的勾搭——和异性恋男子，以及他们的女性好友相比——往往更多使用肢体语言，和非语言的交流方式 【比如乐声震耳、噪音嘈杂的gay bar，很多男同都乐在其中，将此类场合视为最有效的约炮场所；相比之下，译者本人在这方面，一直是短板——译者 】 。不过，如果对方“听不懂”他们的非语言信息，他们就会开口直说，不会有啥藏着掖着、难以启齿。
Het men have different challenges. Few women like to be pushed, overwhelmed, or not listened to in arenas of sex and intimacy. Most women are particularly offended by men who push too hard for private get-togethers or phone numbers, who insistently move the conversation back to sexual topics when the woman has several times to change the subject, or who touch them, particularly in a sexual, paternalistic, or covert way, without permission. Sneaky come-ons are a pain; it works better to simply ask, and if you hear a “no”, don’t argue.
直男面临很多挑战。切记，几乎没有哪个女人，愿意在性爱或亲密的场合，被男人以霸道总裁的姿态“牵着鼻子前行”，更不希望自己的话语，被男人当作耳旁风。男人的以下几类行为，都会令绝大多数女人深感不安、备受冒犯：死缠烂打地要求私密约会，或者强力索要电话号码等私人联系方式；明知道女方不乐意听、试图转换话题，依然没完没了地和她谈论和性爱有关的东西；未经许可的身体接触——尤其是明摆着的性挑逗，或者摆出以上示下的家长制嘴脸，以及鬼鬼祟祟、毛手毛脚的揩油。 【以上种种行为，均属于性骚扰。很多顺性别、异性恋的男性，确实对此缺乏认知，甚至误以为霸王硬上弓的性骚扰，也是一种快速有效的“促成”方式，或曰替女生作出“你就从了我吧”的决定：这甚至可能构成性侵害，或曰强暴（一些国家和地区，法律所认定的“强奸罪”，范围过窄；“强奸”这个简体中文语境下的法律术语，也大有问题）——译者 】 以“巧取豪夺”的手段，所获得的“性爱进展”，是毒汁灌溉的苦果。相比之下，较好的替代方案，是先向女方开口询问。如果女方提出拒绝，那就不要就此和她争论——无条件尊重她此时此刻的意愿。
Many a man has made the mistake of approaching a woman in the way he thinks he would like to be approached if he were a woman. If you’re not sure if woman find your approach too heavy-handed, imaging being approached by a large, strong man using your exact technique and ask yourself how that feels. Successful male cruisers remain sensitive to verbal and nonverbal cues, conveying friendly interest and appreciation for the fascinating human being in front of them.
很多顺直男，都自以为“假如我是女人，我愿意有男人这样勾引我”，进而“己之所欲，施之于人”，用这种脑补出来的一厢情愿的方式，和女人打交道。这种自以为是，往往谬之千里。如果你拿不准自己和女人接触的方式，是不是太粗暴，那么，你就不妨想象：如果有个体壮如牛的抠脚大汉，刚好用你当下勾引女人的方式，向你扑面而来，你会作何感受？出色的男性勾引者，会对语言和语言之外的讯息，保持敏感的觉察，温润友好地向喜欢的人，传达自己的爱慕讯息。
给女人的建议
Section titled “给女人的建议”FOR WOMAN
Most woman are not very good at saying “yes”, and not very good at saying “no”—your authors aren’t, and we’ve been practicing both for a long time. We’re not sure how things got to this state, where a woman is just supposed to stand there looking adorable until some big strong hunk comes and makes her decision for her, but we don’t like it much.
多数女人既不善于表达性同意，也不善于直言拒绝——本书的两位作者并非这样，但我们俩都曾针对于此，练习过很长时间。我们也不晓得，为何很多女人都会摆出一副可爱的样子，眼巴巴地站在那里，等待有个好男人主动前来，一切替自己做主。然而，我们绝不甘心如此。
Many women, both gay and straight, can benefit greatly from learning to be more assertive in asking for what they want, both during the meeting process and afterward. If you’re used to sipping your drink and waiting for someone to move on you, initiating contact yourself may seem terribly awkward, pushy—yes, even slutty—at first. It’s also scary as hell to risk rejection like that. It does get easier…particularly if you do get rejected a time or two and get a chance to find out that it isn’t the end of the world. After all, we’re not asking you to do anything that men haven’t been doing for centuries, and you’ll discover, as they have, the many joys of asking for what you want and getting it.
在聚会之中或之后，大大方方、直截了当地说出自己想要什么: 养成这个习惯，对女人而言——无论性取向是直还是弯——都普遍大有裨益。如果你平时总是闷头喝饮料，同时暗自期待有人主动来找你，推动着你往前走，那么，当你第一次主动破冰、介绍自己，难免有些尴尬、唐突，乃至让你担心自己这样做，未免太轻浮、太婊气，不像个端庄正派的女人（这就对了！女人不婊，受缚到老。）其实，当你主动介绍自己、勾引别人，尤其在遭到一两次拒绝之后，你就会发现，即使“最坏的结局”，也不过如此而已，根本没啥输不起。毕竟，笔者对你——女人——所给出的上述建议，都是男人千百年来的惯常之举。当你也如此去做，就会发现，主动寻求自己想要的事物，是一条充满欢乐的旅途。
给二人伴侣的建议
Section titled “给二人伴侣的建议”FOR COUPLES
Sometimes couples, or an established group of lovers, may be cruising for somebody or somebodies new to play with, in a three-way or more. Cruising as a couple has its own advantages—if you strike out, you still have someone to go home with. However, many cruisees are not used to the idea of openly nonmonogamous relationship and may get a little freaked out when you come on to them with, “Hi, I find you very attractive, and so does my wife.” Be reassured that you will also find many lovely people who actually prefer the safety and built-in boundaries of getting it on with one or both members of an established couple…and be prepared to find a goodly number of happy shiny needles in your carefully chose haystack.
二人伴侣，或者固定的情侣，有时候也会寻找更多人，一起共享亲密。这可能是三人行，也可能有更多的人参与。一对二人伴侣，一起勾引别人，这和一个人相比，有个得天独厚的优势——即使没能成功勾引到别人，当晚也有人陪你一起回家。不过，确实有不少人，一旦被一对伴侣（而非单人）所勾引，就会感到有些不自在: 因为他们对坦诚开放的多边恋，尚未形成习惯，对诸如“我觉得你和我老婆一样性感”之类的话语，“多怪”源于之前的少见。但是，请你确信，当真有很多可爱的人，ta们格外钟情于加入某对伴侣的亲密游戏，或者和某个已有伴侣的人上床，同时，也有自己的安全准则，和边界操守。——所以，想要尝试更多的新人的伴侣们，尽管小心选择场合，大胆寻求艳遇吧！
Some couples cruise together for someone to play with in a three-way, while others cruise individually for partners who want to play with one or the other of them. When you’re coupled but cruising solo, please do remember to mention to your cruisee that you have a partner at home. Some people will be delighted to receive this news and others will not, but full disclosure is the ethical part of ethical sluthood.
有些二人伴侣，为了玩3P，而一起物色合适的人。也有另一些伴侣，各自去找更多人——可能是自己和ta约炮，也可能是帮着自家老伴儿找情人。如果你已经有了固定的伴侣，在你独自勾引别人之前，请切记，一定要向你所勾引的那个人告知: “我非单身，家有爱侣。”有些人听到这个消息，会非常开心 【觉得你诚实可靠，并且愿意和有伴侣的人亲密交往，乃至愿意尝试着加入你们的家庭——译者注 】 ；但也有些人，得知你已经有了伴侣，可能会“炸毛”，冷下脸拉黑你。但无论如何，唯有坦诚告知自己的状况，才能让你——一个浪荡不羁的婊子——真正能够问心无愧、理直气壮。
If you plan to go home with your spouse when it comes time to leave this party, it is courteous to make sure your other beloves know this in advance. Reassure new contacts by exchanging contact information and, if appropriate, choosing a place and time to get together in the future, like “May I call you tomorrow morning?” or “Would you like to meet for coffee after work?”
在相互勾引的聚会中，在你准备和你的固定伴侣一起回家之前，向你在场的其他情人逐一告知、道别，这是个必要的礼节。通过交换联系方式，能够确保今后还有下次；如果可以，不妨事先确定下次见面的时间、地点，例如“明天早晨我给你打电话，好吗？”、“下班后，我们一起去喝咖啡，如何？”
Whether you cruise individually or together, you need to work out your agreement beforehand. Who is interested in doing what to do whom? Where? When? If one of you is looking for someone to hit the matters with right there that night and the other wants something permanent (“She followed me home. Can I keep her? Please?”), you may be headed for a major misunderstanding.
已有固定伴侣的你，无论独自找人约炮，还是和老伴儿一起约，你都需要与你所勾搭的那个人，在“做”之前，达成共识。例如，被勾搭进来的那个人，到底对谁（你，还是你的伴侣？）有性趣？此人究竟想要和谁，怎么玩？在什么场合、什么时候？相比之下，在涉及多人的性爱勾搭中，如果你只是想要一场提起裤子就完事儿的一夜情，而对方则期待某些长久的关联（“她跟我回家了，我可以和她一直交往吗？向这个目标试试看？”），那么接下来，你也许就会面临一场严重的误会。
Each matter of a couple must have the requisite social skills. Depending on your partner to do all the work of introductions, conversation, flirtation and negotiation is bad for you and bad for your partner. It may also lead to misunderstandings, since few partners are skilled enough communicators to get across all your needs, interests, and personality traits.
两口子之间的每一件事，要想妥善处理，都离不开社交技能。如果你指望自己的伴侣，无论待人接物还是谈判沟通，十项全能，并且充满骚情、善于撩人，这既会伤害你的伴侣，也会伤害你自己，包括造成种种误解。道理明摆着: 能够随时洞悉你的全部所需、所好和所欲，以及你的人格特质——这样的沟通高手，找遍天下都未必能有；偏巧成为你的伴侣，有可能吗？
A pet peeve for many sluts is the individual who treats one or more of the people involved in a disrespectful or objectifying manner. One example is the couple that sends an innocent-looking woman out as bait, and you may be startled, when you bite, to discover her spouse joining the party. Janet remembers once, in a group sex environment, being invited by a man to help stimulate his female partner. As she happily joined the group, she noticed that the man immediately shifted his focus from his girlfriend to her—ignoring the helpless girlfriend as he grabbed Janet’s breasts. Needless to say, Janet excused herself immediately from this creepy-feeling scene.
众多婊子——或曰具有性爱自主意识的人，尤其是女人——普遍无法忍受那些把别人当作工具、不懂得尊重人的家伙。例如有这样的两口子，让貌似清纯无暇的女方作为诱饵，引你上钩；当你受其吸引而来，却发现这个女人的已有配偶，其配偶也赫然在座。据本书作者之一珍妮特回忆，有一次，她在一个多人自由性爱的场所，被一个男子，以“帮我的女友，让她放更开”的名义邀请。当她欣然加入，发觉那个男人，把关注焦点从自己女友身上移开，转向了自己；而他的女友则被晾在一边，望着自己的男人急吼吼地握着珍妮特的胸乳，一脸无助。当珍妮特觉察到这些，她不想再和那个男人多说什么，当即离开了这个令人反胃的环境。
It is disrespectful to treat the third party as some sort of oversized marital aid. Many bisexual women we know are driven to distraction by the “hot bi babe” phenomenon—couple who seek them out, not because they’re charming or hot, but because one member of the couple has a fantasy about playing with two women or seeing two women make love as a free peep show.
把“第三人”当作自己婚姻关系的“大号辅助物品”，是对“第三人”的不尊重。据我们所知，不少双性恋妇女，都曾有过这样的糟糕经历——被一些伴侣所邀，但并非因为她们自身的性感特征，真正吸引了谁，而是被那对伴侣，当成玩多人后宫游戏的工具：“一男驭二女”，或者是为了让那个男人过把瘾，免费窥视两个女人做爱。
The fundamental rule for cruising as a couple, or being cruised by a couple, is respect for the feeling and relationships of all concerned. You don’t want to cruise someone who will try to steal you or your partner for his own, and your cruisee doesn’t want to be used, deceived, or mistreated. We may refer to our play partners, affectionately, as “tricks”, but actually tricking them into your bed is unethical.
无论一对伴侣一起勾引别人，还是某个人被一对伴侣所勾引，最基本的游戏规则，都必须包括所有的参与者，其个人感受和关系模式，都应得到其ta人的充分尊重。你自己也不希望引狼入室，勾引到一个“窃取”你身心情感，或者“窃取”你伴侣的家伙。同理，被你所勾引的人，也不希望自己被你利用，被你忽悠，被你以糟糕的方式对待。我们可能会说某些性爱游戏的玩伴，“貌似柔情脉脉，实则套路多多”；但无论如何，用套路忽悠别人和你上床，这很不道德。
When you treat everybody involved with respect, affection, and intimacy, you can reap very special rewards—anything from a warm happy fling to a long-term multiperson relationship.
当你对每个人，都能做到尊重、关爱和亲切，就会收到特殊的奖赏——从一场温暖、甜蜜的短暂艳遇，到一份长期稳固的多边关系，一切皆有可能。
给每个人的建议
Section titled “给每个人的建议”FOR EVERYONE
The best, most successful, and least obnoxious cruisers we know, of all orientations, are friendly, curious folks who like most people and are interested in talking to everyone. If some of the people they talk turn into potential relationships, so much the better.
据笔者所知，那些最完美、最成功、也最温柔的情场高手，性取向五花八门，但ta们普遍待人友善，充满探索欲。他们和绝大多数人，都乐于相处，喜欢和每一个人交谈。如果有人从聊天对象，发展成为亲密伴侣，这对他们而言，再好不过。
When you find yourself worrying about how you are seen by others, remember that there is no point in pretending you are anyone except who you are. It does you no good to attract someone who think you are somebody else: all you get is someone who is excited about somebody who isn’t you. When you are honest, you attract the people who are interested in you, just as you most wonderfully are.
如果你发觉自己，正在为“别人怎样看待我”而焦虑，那么请切记，强装成一个并非真我之人，这样做毫无意义。虚伪的自己，即使再令人瞩目，那个所谓的“万人迷”，也不过是“他者”的幻影，于你何益？只有当你坦诚做自己，才能吸引到和你情投意合之人，因为你原本就有属于自己的光辉。
A good conversationalist is usually a successful cruiser and more often than not a skilled partner as well—because the give-and-take of good conversation and sensitivity to nonverbal cues are also important skills for the fulfilling relationships to come.
通常而言，一个善于交流之人，不仅是个勾引更多人的高手，而且如果为人伴侣，日常待人处事也会非常干练。因为有效的交流，在于“信息给予和获取”的双向沟通，和对各种非语言暗示的敏感度，而这些，也是实现亲密关系幸福美满的关键技能。