第12章 多元家庭如何抚养孩子

CHAPTER TWELVE Childrearing

IF YOU’RE RAISING KIDS today, you have it a little bit easier than sluts of yesteryear—images of families in books and television aren’t quite as limited to Leave It to Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet as they were in our childhoods. Still, even though divorce and single parenting are now acceptable topics, our culture is slow to catch up to the other realities of our lives: media images of multipartner relationships, same-sex relationships, and other nontraditional constellations are still rare.

身为婊子的你，如果在当今（的美国）养育小孩，不得不说，较之并不久远的往日，困难减少了许多。当下的图书和影视中，对家庭的描绘，总算不再千篇一律地重复“中产白人异性恋+一男一女的美满婚姻+婚后生儿育女”的单一标杆——就像笔者童年时，电视常播的（老版本）《反斗小宝贝》、《OZ家庭秀》那样。话又说回来，即使离异者和单亲家庭的育儿，如今已经成为被大家接受的话题，但我们社会的（主流）文化，和我们现实生活的很多侧面相比，依然进步缓慢、大幅落后。多边亲密关系、同性伴侣，以及其他种种非传统的亲密关系模式，都依然在各类媒体中，罕见其形象身影。

Yet kids take to these relationships quite readily, perhaps more so than to the traditional nuclear family: children have grown up in villages and tribes for most of human history. Janet remembers having some of her first desires for group living during vacations with her then-husband’s expansive extended family: she noticed that her kids, surrounded by loving adults with plenty of time on their hands, were happier, more docile, and less fragmented than she’d ever seen them. During her kids’ teen years, she lived in a group household and watched her sons adapt quite readily to the comings and goings of a disparate group of adults-one of whom was almost always free to answer a question, troubleshoot a computer program, experiment with a recipe, or play a game.

然而，对上述种种（非传统的亲密关系、家庭结构），孩子普遍能够很快融入，而且可能比身处于传统的核心家庭，身心更为舒适。毕竟，孩子生长于人群聚居的村落间，或者大家庭，这种状况占据了人类历史的绝大部分时段。本书作者之一的珍妮特，如此回忆自己对群居生活的初体验（带着她的几个孩子，一起加入她当时丈夫的多性伴侣大家庭，共同度假）：她觉察到自己的几个孩子——身边随时都有不少关爱着他们的成年人——变得更加开心、更加乖巧，而且更加抱团，而不像她平时所见的那样，几个孩子经常各顾各。当孩子们到了十几岁，珍妮特住进了多人同居的大家庭，众多各色各样的成年人，整日出出进进；她看到孩子们，很快便适应了这种环境。其中有个经常出入于此的成年人，差不多随时都能回答孩子们的任何问题，还能帮孩子们搞定电脑程序的难题，按照操作流程做实验，或者一起玩耍。

The single parent ethical slut can check out a number of creative options for maintaining a fulfilling sex life while being a responsible parent. When Dossie was sharing a house with two other single mothers, one of her lovers used to babysit all the kids so all three mothers had a chance to go out dancing together. A friend of ours used to babysit for her younger sister and the kids next door so that her parents could mess around with the next-door neighbors. Dossie never actually lived as a single parent, whether or not she was partnered, during her daughter’s childhood; there was always a troupe of friendly people living in sprawling houses, city and country.

当一个理直气壮的婊子，独自承担育儿责任时，会有很多创造性的做法，确保在履行好家长职责的同时，维持令自己满意的性福生活。本书作者之一道茜，曾与两名单身妈妈，“三人行”同居在一起，除此之外道茜还有其他情侣；当自己也有孩子的道茜，和这两个单身妈妈，一起外出跳舞寻欢时，道茜的某个情侣，则临时接替这三位妈妈，代行照顾她们的所有孩子。还有个人，是本书两位作者的共同朋友，此人曾同时照顾自己的小妹妹和邻家孩子，这样一来，邻家孩子的父母就能腾出时间，去和其他邻居厮混。道茜没有真正做过单身家长，因为在她女儿的童年时期，无论道茜有没有共同生活的伴侣，到处都有众多的友善之人，遍及整个城市乃至全国各地；随时都可以有人和她多元成家，一起照顾女儿。

We have never had problems creating consistency and security for our children in a sexually interconnected extended family.While you might assume that inclusive relationships might generate massive inconsistency, our experience is just the opposite. Our connections tend to form sprawling extended families that have plenty of energy to welcome all the children, and the children readily learn their way around the tribe.

一个因很多人之间发生性关系而形成的大家庭，家庭的边界可以拓展，让更多人加入——孩子生长在这样的环境，会不会产生”动荡不安”的问题？上述问题，本书的两位作者，都从未遇到过。“边界开放的多人家庭，会让孩子产生混乱和动荡的负面感受”，这纯粹是局外人的脑补猜测。而笔者的切身体验，与上述的脑补，刚好截然相反。处于多边关系的笔者，和各自的多边恋家人们，彼此之间的情感联结，很容易形成一个对所有参与者的孩子，都有能力欣然接纳的开放式大家庭。而这些孩子，也会很快学会用自己的方式，融入这个“家族部落”。

Some shifts in the population are inevitable, but in our experience children take that kind of mobility for granted and perhaps develop a flexibility that might serve them well later in life. If we prepare them for a life where any change at all is seen as a disaster, how will they manage? Better, perhaps, to learn that loss may be difficult, but we do get through it, pick up the pieces, and go on with our lives. One way parents can offer consistency to children is to role model healthy adaptation to change. Another good form of consistency is to be honest with yourself and with your children-when you live your life in integrity, everyone can count on you to be exactly who you, wonderfully, are.

上述的大家庭，人数的变化或曰人员的流动，是在所难免的。但就笔者的切身经验，孩子会对上述的变化，视为理所当然；而且，还可能使孩子养成对人际环境的灵活应对能力，令孩子毕生受益。假如我们偏要让孩子将各种变化都视为灾难、畏之如虎，孩子今后遇到变化，又将如何应对？换一种也许更好的方式讲，学习如何面对离别，或许不无辛酸痛苦，但我们必须挺过难关，重整旗鼓继续前行。家长为孩子提供“生活稳定感”的方式之一，是以身作则，以积极健康的方式，接纳、适应种种变迁。还有另一个良好做法，能让孩子感到生活安全稳固，那就是绝不自欺欺人，无论对自己还是对孩子，都要诚实坦荡。当你活得表里如一，言行处处自洽，其他所有人都会觉得你真正靠得住。

The binary nature of monogamy-centrist thinking tends, we think, to cause problems: you’re either the love of my life, or you’re out of here. Both of us have found that opening our lives to other kinds of connections also opens our children’s lives. For example, a former lover of Janet’s has not been sexually involved with her for quite a while but has become a sort of surrogate uncle and best friend to one of her sons and is still a loved member of her household—as she writes this, he is asleep on a futon on her living room floor.

那些将一对一封闭关系视为天经地义的人，其“非此即彼”的特性，才是诸多问题之源——“你要么对我一生专爱，要么从我身边滚开。”本书的两位作者都意识到，让我们自己的生活，对其他各类人际联结，保持开放状态，这样做，也能让孩子的人生，变得开放、宽广。例如本书作者之一的珍妮特，有一位前任情侣，和她很久都不曾发生过性关系；但对珍妮特的一个儿子来说，妈妈的这位前任情侣，在某种程度上，就像自己的叔伯，更是自己的好友。尤其是，他依然是珍妮特的家庭一员，被珍妮特一家所珍爱。——当笔者（珍妮特）写下这段话时，那个人正在笔者的卧室里，枕着蒲团睡大觉。

Still, many parents have a great deal of difficulty bridging the gap between responsible parenting and inclusive relationships. Questions about what and how much to tell your kids, how to prepare them for difficult questions in the outside world, and how to help them relate to the new people who arrive and depart in their lives can be challenging for any mom or dad.

不可否认，在履行育儿责任，和维系多边亲密关系之间，确有一道鸿沟；搭建一座跨越鸿沟、联结彼此的桥梁，这对很多孩子的家长而言，都有许多难处。以下几个问题，横亘在每一位爸爸、妈妈的面前：什么事情，在多大程度上，可以对孩子讲？既然孩子总要接触外面环境，那么，如何让孩子应对来自外人的各种刁钻问题？以及如何帮助孩子，学会和时而邂逅时而离开的新面孔，建立人际关系？

给予孩子性教育

Sex Education for Kids

【原文将性教育称为sex education，而非sexuality education，这无疑表明了本书的时代局限性。Sex的含义，一是性行为，二是“生物学意义上的”性别，对人类而言则是证件上的“被指派的性别”。而sexuality一词（潘绥铭最终将其译作加引号的“性”，或者视具体语境而免去引号，例如性学家、性教育等），包含了和人类性行为有关的方方面面，突出强调社会制度、文化、人际关系等，与每个人性行为和性观念，彼此之间多因素交叉的相互建构。若将人类的“性”仅仅视为sex，那么，恐怕唯有那些床上技术精湛的人（例如一部分AV明星），顶多再加上那些“吃艾滋饭”的，以及妇科、男性专科的医药界人士，才有资格被称为“性学家”。将性教育称为sex education，就可能在有意或无意之中，将教育内容，主要局限在性生理学知识，以及近年来被越发关注的“反性侵”。由于缺乏社会建构视角，缺乏对社会制度和文化观念的反思、批判视角，即使生理知识，也难免夹带着长久遗留的社会偏见，例如对学生灌输诸如“性偏离”、“性别倒错”，或者“男性在雄激素的驱使下，有控制不住性冲动的生理倾向，因此女孩如果在公共场所穿着暴露，就会增加被性侵的风险”等谬论毒害。再如“男女有别”，按照长期以来的性生理学，这似乎是无可争论、明摆着的事实。然而如果引入社会建构的视角，就不难觉察：当强调“男女有别”时，其真正的意思，从来都并非单纯的身体特征差异，而是将某些被“性化”身体差异，加以特殊强调，并且以此将人类划分、指派为非“男”即“女”的两种类型，或曰两个阶级；尤其是，针对被指派的“男”和“女”，分别强加一套不同的社会规范，要求双方都“各守其本分”行事，不容越轨、混淆。和性征相比，肤色差异也同样明显；再如，是否对花生过敏，是否容易过胖或过瘦，乃至速算天赋的多少、有无，其背后的体质人类学层面的差异，也同样巨大。其中的某些差异，也曾被特殊对待，作为对人群进行阶级划分、二元对立的社会规范，例如一些国家根据天生肤色的种族隔离历史。当一个社会，禁止女人进入男厕所——哪怕女厕门口排长队，哪怕男厕所里有很多空余的封闭式独立隔间——这与“贱民不得与非贱民相混淆”，或者传说中的“华人与狗不得入此公园”，究竟有何不同？“男女有别”的社会控制机制，其本身就是一种“基于性别的暴力”（GBV, Gender-based Violence），这和受暴者以妇女、儿童居多的家庭暴力，颇多内在同构——都是凭着一套不允许平等辩论讲道理、不能被质疑、并且以暴力作为后盾的人际规范，所“合理”进行的人整人、人压迫人；众多受压迫者，由于将上述规范“内化”，往往将压迫视为合理，缺乏反抗意识（例如国内，众多“从小习惯于”被家长以殴打代替教育的孩子，因为考试成绩差一些之类被打肿屁股，会觉得家长这样做不合理、浑蛋加三级吗？有依照《反家暴法》打110报警的意识吗？）。以上种种，都是从sex education升级更新为sexuality education，所应涉及的，甚至要浓墨重彩处处渗透，和其他知识点相互关联。——但毕竟，本书（第二版）出版于2009年，在这一年，联合国教科文组织和联合国艾滋病规划署、世界卫生组织等，首次共同发布International Technical Guidance on Sexuality Education（《国际性教育技术指导纲要》）；至于更值得推荐的《欧洲性教育标准》（Standards for Sexuality Education in Europe），则首版于本书出版的一年后（2010年）。所以，我们也无法苛求并非性教育专家的本书作者，于字里行间的细节，超越长久以来的习惯说法，向国际前沿的最新版规范用语看齐。——译者 】

As you’ve surmised, we think an abundance of relationships can be highly beneficial to family life and that children gain in role models, attention, and support in the polyamorous extended family.Clearly, children should not be included in adult sexual behavior, and many adults who have been wounded by sexual abuse as children can testify to the damages. Education, however, is not abuse, and children need enough information to make sense out of what the adults are doing, so they can grow up to their own healthy understanding of sexuality.

正如你的预想，笔者确实认为，边界开放的多边恋家庭，其复杂多样的人际关系，对每一个家庭成员的日常生活，尤其是对孩子的成长，都大有裨益——包括拥有多样的参照效仿对象，和学会倾听、照料、支持彼此。显然，成年人之间的性行为，不能把孩子也卷入其中——很多在童年曾遭受性侵害的成人，都对此深恶痛绝。但教育和侵害是两码事，未成年人需要足够的信息，才能很好地理解成年人的所做所为，进而，才能对涉及到“性”的方方面面，以建设性的态度，形成自己的领悟。

All parents must make their own decisions about what kind of sexual information their children should have at any given age. For the health and well-being of the child, a balance must be struck between offering too much information, which might seem scary or overwhelming, and too little, which might leave the child with the message that naked bodies and sexual arousal are so dangerous and embarrassing that it’s not allowed to even talk about them. We don’t want to terrify the kids, and we don’t want them to come into their own adult sexual lives with the belief that sex is dirty and shameful.

无论孩子处于什么年龄，其家长都必须明确：哪些类型的涉“性”信息，需要让孩子了解。为了孩子的健康和福祉，家长需要找到一个平衡点——既不能灌输得太多，超出孩子的理解能力，或者让孩子产生恐惧；也不能告知得太少，任由孩子随时可能接触到“肉体和性欲，既危险有害又尴尬可羞”之类的（社会主流）观念，受其攻心洗脑，缺乏抵抗能力。我们的目标，不是把孩子“唬住”、“吓倒”；我们也不希望，孩子带着性不洁、性羞耻的观念，步入成年，将此类谬见，作为自己性生活的指南。

Remember, sex education is an issue for all parents, whatever their lifestyle. We want our kids to have good information and freedom of choice, and they are often living in neighborhoods and going to schools where many parents believe that kids should be denied all information about sex (or else they might turn out to be sluts like us).

所有孩子的家长都不可忘记：无论你自己，有着怎样的生活方式，你对孩子的性教育，都是一个不容回避的课题。笔者希望孩子们都获得充足、可靠的相关资讯，能够自主作出选择。然而，孩子们日常接触的邻人们，和学校同学的很多家长们，则往往相反，认定孩子不该接触形形色色的涉“性”内容。（除非那些邻居，和孩子同学的家长，也和我辈老婊一样开明。）

To make matters more complicated, our culture currently is deeply divided about the entire subject of sex information and kids. Some people consider any form of sex education to be somehow dangerous. Some authorities feel that when children have “precocious”information about sex, it must mean that the child is being abused by an adult. We are, however, adamantly opposed to “abstinence-only”so-called sex education. How are we to teach our children to say “no” to an abusive adult if we are not frank about what it is that they should say “no” to? When we try to keep sex secret from our kids, they are aware that something is going on, but they don’t know what. And if we leave them to get their sex information in the playground or on the street, from equally ill-informed other kids, we consign them to the jungle.Our kids need and deserve adult support in learning about and negotiating sexuality, as they do in all other aspects of life.

我们所处的社会文化，往往把未成年人，隔绝在一切涉“性”信息之外——如此一来，反而把事情搞得更加复杂。在一些人眼中，一切类型的性教育，都具有某种程度的危险。一些主管者认为，只要有孩子接触了“不该在此年龄段看到的”涉“性”内容，那就必然意味着，一定有居心叵测的成年人，正在对这个孩子施以毒害。至于笔者，则坚决反对那些宣扬“未成年人只有禁欲才是正道”的所谓性教育。如果我们不能坦率地告诉孩子“什么是性侵害”，那么，我们又如何才能教导孩子“如果有成年人试图对你作出性侵之举，就要明确表示拒绝”？如果我们试图让性爱，成为孩子的认知禁区，孩子会有异样的觉察，却又难以明确道出个子丑寅卯。进一步讲，如果我们让孩子的涉“性”信息，唯有在操场或街头，从其他性教育先天不足的孩子那里得到，那么，我们无异于把孩子丢进丛林。针对和“性”相关的林林总总，孩子在成年人的帮助下学习，学会就涉“性”问题进行对话协商，这是孩子成长的必需，也是孩子理应得到的权益。

对孩子说什么，不说什么？

What to Share, and Not

You’ll have to decide how much your kids should know about your sexual choices, such as multiple partners, same-sex partners, or alternative family structures. Our experience is that kids figure such things out quicker than you think they do but that they may not figure them out exactly right.

孩子究竟可以在多大程度上，了解你所选择的性生活方式——例如多性伙伴、同性伴侣，或者非主流的家庭结构？对此，你要自己想明白，自己来决定。本书两位作者的自身经验是：孩子发觉到这些事情，会比你预想得更早更快；但孩子对这些事情的“解读”，不一定都和事实完全相符。

One word of warning: if you are living in a community that does not share your standards about sex education, your desire to educate needs to be balanced against the need for the child to learn what is and is not okay to share with the outside world. When you teach your kids, you will need to talk with them about how other people’s standards operate and about what information should and should not be shared.

在此需要警告一句：如果你的生活环境，周围的人并不认同你的性教育理念，那么，你对孩子的教育意图，需要对“孩子能够了解什么，不能了解什么”的外部规范，进行权衡，乃至矫正、“解毒”。你对孩子的性教育，也应当包含“别人对此怎么看，并且这些看法，会让他们做出什么”，以及“什么内容可以对别人随便说，什么内容不可以”。

There are still many places in this country where living a nontraditional sexual lifestyle is considered a justification for legally removing your children from your custody. Even when you are sure you are doing no harm, you still may need to protect your kids from Mrs. Grundy. We can’t give you concrete guidelines on this, because only you can know the atmosphere in your particular community and the personalities of your own children.

在当今的美国，依然有很多地区，如果家长的性生活方式“离经叛道”，就足以被依法剥夺对孩子的监护权。即使你确定自己的所做所为，对谁都没有伤害，你依然需要保护好你的孩子，避免遭受“正人君子”们的明枪暗箭。针对于此，笔者无法给你详细建议，因为只有你自己，才晓得你所居之处的氛围环境，以及自家孩子的性格特征。

孩子可以看到什么？

What Should They See?

We think it’s a good idea to model physical and verbal affection for children; that’s how they learn to be affectionate adults. But you’ll have to make some decisions about the appropriate dividing line between physical affection and sexual demonstrativeness.

笔者认为，家长应当通过身体接触和语言交流，为孩子作出如何表达关爱之情的榜样；这样才能让孩子学会爱与被爱，真正长大成人。但是，你也需要想明白这样一些问题：身体接触的关爱表达，不等于性欲的外显，二者之间的界限，你怎样才能妥善地划清？

Do your kids get to see you hugging your partners? Kissing them? Touching them? These are all decisions we can’t make for you. You have to think them through yourself—taking into account such issues as their ages, their levels of sophistication, and their perceptions about your existing relationships-and abide by your own decisions.

你会在孩子面前，和你的性伴侣拥抱吗？会和ta们接吻、爱抚吗？这些都需要你自行决定，笔者无从置喙。你唯有根据个人状况，来寻求上述问题的答案——孩子的年龄、对事态的理解程度，和孩子对你当前这些性伴侣关系的认知感受，都要纳入考虑。接下来，尽管信赖、依从你所作出的决定。

Nudity is a gray area. We certainly don’t think kids are harmed by growing up in households where casual nudity is the norm. But children who have never been around nude adults may be upset if nudity is suddenly introduced into their living room. Kids can be very sensitive to issues like sexual display, and flashing is clearly a violation of boundaries.

身体的裸露，是一个对错模糊的灰色地带。如果在你家，人人平时都一丝不挂，笔者可以断言，这样的成长环境，绝不会对孩子造成负面影响。但如果孩子第一次见到一大帮裸体的成年人，突然出现在自家房间，围绕在自己身边，就可能感到惊慌失措。孩子难免对一些问题——例如对性爱信号的露骨展示——格外敏感。至于（成年人在孩子面前）突然的“露阴快闪”，这是不可被允许的越界行为，绝不要当作逗弄孩子的玩笑。

Certainly, if a child expresses discomfort with being around your or your friends’ nudity, his or her desires should be respected. And we hope it goes without saying that no child should ever be required to be nude in front of others-many children go through phases of extreme modesty as they struggle to cope with their changing bodies,and that, too, deserves scrupulous respect.

如果有某个孩子，对一丝不挂的你，或者你朋友的裸体，显现出不适感，那么毫无疑问地讲，孩子的意见必须得到尊重。既然大家都是成年老婊，笔者希望每个人都能妥善应对这方面的问题，并不想在此强调：“被要求必须在外人面前保持裸体，这样的经历，应当与任何孩子都无缘。” 许多孩子都曾为自己身体的发育变化而困惑挣扎，并因此而经历过一段似乎格外保守、非常不愿让别人注意到自己某些身体部位的日子，这些孩子的上述状况，同样应得到充分的尊重。

孩子可以做什么？

What Should They Do?

It is illegal and immoral to allow your kids to engage in any form of sexual behavior with any adult, or to allow your partners to be sexual or seductive with your kids. Many children go through one or more sexually explorative and/or flirtatious periods in their lives—this is natural and common. But it’s important that you and your friends maintain especially good boundaries during such periods; learning polite and friendly ways of acknowledging a child’s changing needs without engaging sexually is a critical skill for ethical sluts who spend time around their own or their partners’ kids. (“Isn’t that cute? You’re getting to be such a big girl now!”) The best way to teach your child good boundaries is to be clear about your own and to respect the child’s right to grow up free from violation.

让任何成年人，和你的孩子发生任何类型的性行为，或者，坐视你的伴侣猥亵孩子、与孩子发生性关系：凡此种种，都既犯法，又悖德。很多孩子都会经历一个或多个阶段，在此阶段，孩子对性进行探索，可能会有意无意地挑逗别人——这是既正常又普遍的状况。当孩子处于上述的成长阶段，你和你的朋友们，都要格外留意，确保自己的行为守住底线：要学会通过礼貌、友好的方式，让孩子知道自己得到了理解和接纳；同时，在此过程中，绝不要对孩子“下手”、越界。这对于一个和孩子一起生活（无论自己的孩子，还是朋友的孩子），并且无愧于天地良心的婊子而言，是非常关键的技能。（可以用这样的话语：“你正在长大，变成一个大女孩了，这样很可爱啊。”）让孩子学会“有边界感”，其最佳途径是：你自己以身作则，言行举止绝不越界，充分尊重孩子成长过程中的权益，让孩子免遭侵犯。

答复孩子的提问

Answering Their Questions

Kids’ questions about sex and relationships can often be challenging—from the five-year-old’s “But how does the seed get to the egg?” to the teenager’s “So how come you get to fuck anyone you want, but I have to be home by midnight?”

孩子关于性行为和亲密关系的提问——从五岁孩子发问“精子究竟是怎样进入卵子的？”，到十几岁孩子质问“为什么你可以随便找人约炮，但我却必须回家过夜？”——都经常令家长难以应对。

Here’s where the skills you’ve learned in other parts of this book can come in handy. You owe your kids honest, heartfelt responses to questions like these; this is not the time to come on all high-handed and parental. Particularly with older children and teenagers, it’s fine to let them know if you’re feeling ambivalent or embarrassed about something: they’ll know anyway, believe us. If a situation makes you angry or sad, share that, too. They may need some reassurance that your emotion isn’t their fault and some reinforcement that it’s not their job to help you feel better.

一些散见于本书其他章节的为人处事技能，针对上述难题，也非常适用。你理当对孩子的提问，作出诚实、由衷的回答；而不要在这时，对孩子粗暴压制，也别端着家长的臭架子。尤其是面对年龄稍大的孩子，以及十多岁的半大孩子，如果孩子的问题，令你感到尴尬或者左右为难，那么，你尽管将自己的上述感受，向孩子告知——请相信笔者，只要这样做，孩子就会理解你，不会继续为难你。如果在此过程中，发生了令你恼怒或伤心的情况，你也同样要将自己此刻的情绪，如实告诉孩子——当然，你可能还需要让孩子明确：你的负面情绪，不是孩子的错，而且，孩子也没有帮你平复心情的责任。 【童言无忌的涉“性”问题，为什么有可能引发家长的严重不适——甚至即使性生活很开放的家长，也可能因此被触及敏感神经，导致情绪破防？这值得进一步思考。你也许会很快想到：“或许某些家长，曾遭受过性暴力、性侵害，内心深处有着长期难以平复的创伤。”然而，即使上述的归因猜想属实，也有必要继续发问：其他类型的严重伤害也有很多，例如车祸，致命风险远高于性侵；那么，为什么严重车祸的幸存者、目击者们，通常不至于因为有人对自己提及“车祸”话题，就陷入严重的负面情绪呢？——一译者对此的回答（供参考）是：只要“性羞耻”、“性不洁”的社会观念，尤其是据此对“性”加以特殊管控的道德规范和法律制度，依然尚未100%被扫入历史的垃圾堆，依然在现实中广泛存在，那么，从小到大身处其中的每个人，或多或少都会把“性社会控制”内化于心，或多或少都会对一些和“性”有关的话题，特别是自己的一部分和“性”有关的经历、状况，有着根深蒂固阴魂不散的耻辱感、罪错感，或者其他难以名状的焦虑、惊恐、疑神疑鬼、心神不安。换言之，每个人尤其是女人，都在不同程度上，是父权制下“性社会控制”的PTSD患者。当涉世未深、上述创伤也不甚严重的孩子，随口对家长问某些和“性”有关的问题，就可能无意中触及成年人的某些敏感神经。但这显然不是孩子的错，孩子没有义务为之负责——否则，就等于让对“性”的创伤感受，继续向下一代传递。——译者 】

It’s also fine to test their willingness to receive information.Before you start heaping data on their heads, you can try prefacing your communication with a question like, “Do you want to know about [whatever the topic is]?” Janet remembers a conversation with her older son when he was about ten: she’d just done a “birds and bees” rap and had perhaps gotten a little carried away. At the end of her long speech, she asked him, “So, as long as we’re on this topic, is there anything else you want to know?” He replied, fervently, “Mom, you’ve already told me much more than I wanted to know.”

另一个良好的做法，是测评孩子接收信息的意愿。 【也就是说，你需要随时留意：孩子是否愿意继续听你嘚啵，还是已经开始不耐烦了。——译者注 】 当你试图对孩子灌输一堆东西之前，不妨先问问孩子：“你真想要搞明白这个问题吗？”本书作者之一珍妮特，至今依然记得，在她的大儿子接近十岁时，面对孩子关于性事的问题，来了一大段饶舌说唱，当时可能还有些神采飞扬。说唱到最后，她问孩子：“关于这个话题，你还有什么想要进一步了解吗？”孩子兴高采烈地回答：“妈，你刚才的告诉我的内容，远远超出了我的期待。”

Good boundaries are important here too. While your kids are certainly entitled to express an opinion about the way you choose to run your life, they don’t get to dictate it. The flip side of this is that you owe it to them to help prevent their lives from being unduly impacted by a lifestyle they never chose. Dossie willingly agreed to maintain a discreet closet about her lesbian partner when her daughter’s junior high school friends came to visit; her daughter got to come out to her friends about her mom at her own pace. Well, nobody ever said parenthood- especially slutty parenthood-was going to be easy.

好的边界，同样重要。针对你所选择的生活方式，你的孩子当然有表达自己看法的权利，但无权要求你必须怎么做——与之一体两面的是，如果孩子并不认同你的生活方式，你必须确保不要让孩子因为你的生活选择，而受到超出合理限度的影响。本书作者之一道茜，当年在女儿带着初中同学来家里玩时，刻意对自己的同性恋女伴只字不提；这样，女儿就会按照她自己的节奏，向同学们介绍妈妈的女伴侣。无论如何，没有人敢说抚养孩子是一件容易的事，对以淫荡为立身之本的婊子而言，为人家长所面临的挑战只会更多。

如何与你情人的孩子相处

Your Lovers’ Kids

When your lovers have kids, you are involved with those kids too-one friend of ours refers to the many kids he helped his lovers raise as his“practice kids” ，helping him learn parenting skills for the child of his own that came along later.

如果你的情人有小孩，你也难免和ta们的孩子有所接触。本书两位作者有个共同的朋友，曾帮助他的多个情人抚养孩子。他说这些孩子，为自己提供了实践良机，让他学会了为人家长的技能，对他日后的亲子抚育，也颇有裨益。

You’ll need to make decisions together about what to tell the kids about your relationships, and you need to learn what decisions are conventional in your lovers’ families. It may not matter whether younger children know or understand that some of the connections in their families are sexual and others are not. But all adults in families with children have a responsibility to make a connection with the kids we come in contact with, and to foster our own children’s connections with our friends and lovers.

针对那些和你（非主流的）亲密关系，所相关的林林总总，其中的哪些可以对（你情人的）孩子讲，这需要你自己来把握。在做上述决定时，你还需要对孩子原生家庭（也就是你那个情人的家人），能够接受到怎样的程度，事先了解清楚。至于年幼的孩子，对自己众多家庭成员之间的亲密关系类型（谁和谁有性关系，谁和谁没有），是否知晓，是否理解，这其实都没什么大不了。关键是，处于多边、开放式家庭中的每一个成年人，都有责任对自己（在此大家庭中）遇到的所有孩子，予以关爱，和大家庭中的其ta人尤其是自己的情人，共同维系和孩子之间的情感关联。

Single sluts with no previous connection to children may find themselves in a position of needing to learn how to deal with children in their extended family.

之前没有照顾过孩子的单身老婊，如果进入了有孩子的开放家庭，就可能会意识到：此刻的自己，需要学会如何与孩子相处。

Fact of life: Everyone around children will eventually need to set limits with them. There may be some challenges as you work to reconcile your own limits with the habits and styles of a family that was working just fine before you arrived in it. Expressing your needs can be an opportunity for the kids to learn that different adults have different needs, that Jane can nap through a rousing game of Inside Tag whereas Jean needs an hour of quiet.

说句关于人生的大实话：无论是谁，只要有孩子在身边，就必须设定针对孩子的行为边界。在一个只要没你就一切安好的家里，如何让你自己的边界，和这个家庭的兴趣爱好、生活方式，彼此协调，互不冲突，这难免会有很多难题。向其他家庭成员，表述出你的需求，这对孩子而言，也是一个良机，可以由此懂得“不同的成年人，有不同的需求”。例如在大家一起游戏时，某个名叫“珍”的人，可能需要打个盹；那么在这一小时里，大家就不要打扰到她。

It may be that you find yourself disliking one of your lover’s kids. Perhaps something about this particular child pushes your buttons: they may remind you of your horrible older brother or maybe even your young self—often the things that annoy us most about someone else are the things we dislike about ourselves or our histories. Or the child may be angry at you, or dislike you, for reasons entirely beyond your control: perhaps you are “replacing”a beloved parent or other adult who has been lost to death or divorce. Whatever the reason for this problem, you are the adult here and it is your responsibility to find a way to solve it. Resolution will undoubtedly take some time, a fair amount of energy, and a great deal of patience, but we believe it will be worth it, for you and your lover and the kids.

也许，某个情侣的某个孩子，会令你感到厌烦。也许这个孩子，曾因为某件事，触碰到了你的痛处：例如令你回想起性格可怕的大哥，乃至小时候的你自己。须知，别人最容易把你惹毛的闹心事，往往也关系到你所厌弃的自身特质，或者你自己曾经的黑历史。还有一种可能，是某个孩子经常对你发脾气，甚至讨厌你——而孩子这样的原因，是你无法掌控的：也许孩子曾有个深爱的成年家人，如今离开了ta，也许是死了，也许因故离开了这个家庭，而你成为孩子那位家人的“拙劣替代者”。上述种种难题，无论什么原因，你作为成年人，都有设法妥善解决的责任。任何解决方案，都必然需要一些时间，和大量心血，以及海量的耐心。但笔者相信你的这些努力，都将功不唐捐——你本人、你的情人，以及该情人的孩子，都将从中受益，皆大欢喜。

Early in Janet’s relationship with her spouse E, there was a lot of friction between him and her young adult son, mostly over issues that will sound familiar to any stepparent: housekeeping, noise levels, courtesy. Then, she recalls, “We were visiting my mother for a few days, and the two of them were escaping the domestic whirlwind out in the back yard. E expressed sympathy about a difficult personal situation my son was encountering. They had a beer together and really talked, from the heart, for the first time-and suddenly E could see my son the way I see him, as a socially awkward young man, not always too aware of the physical realities around him, but with a huge heart and a lot to give. From that evening on, they’ve had no trouble working together on normal household stuff and have in fact become good friends.”

本书作者之一的珍妮特，其配偶（简称E），昔日曾经和珍妮特刚步入成年的儿子，彼此之间颇多龃龉——其中的大部分问题，也是其他很多继任家长，所经常遇到的，例如家务劳动、对噪音的容忍程度，和彼此之间的礼让。珍妮特如此回想道：“我们一起看望我的妈妈，陪我老妈住几天。E和我儿子，为避免发生冲突，都索性躲到后庭院。彼此遇见之后，E对我儿子所遭遇的困境，表达了自己的感同身受。他俩在一起喝啤酒，第一次敞开心扉交流。E忽然发觉，他能够用和我一样的方式，看待我的儿子——无非是个拙于社交的小伙子，经常对身边的事物浑不在意，但为人善良，乐于助人。那个傍晚过后，他俩在日常家务的协作中，再无任何问题，事实上，他俩成为好友。”

When you establish a positive relationship with the children in your environment, they will respond by developing a positive relationship with you. We know of ex-lovers who have maintained close friendships over many decades with children with whom they had no biological relationship.Thus are slut families built and maintained.

面对与你共同生活的孩子，当你与之建立积极正面的情感关联，孩子也将以同样的积极关联，作为对你的回应。本书的两位作者，和多名前任情侣——连同与自己没有血缘关系的前任情侣的孩子——都保持着数十年的友谊。这就是婊子建立和维系家庭的方式。

《理直气壮，做个婊子》猪川猫二饼 译