第14章拥抱冲突

CHAPTER FOURTEEN Embracing Conflict

NOTHING BUILDS INTIMACY like shared vulnerability. Write this on your bathroom mirror. We’ll never discount all the wonderful things that we get from sharing love—laughter and happiness and sex—but nothing deepens intimacy like the experiences that we share when we feel flayed, with our skins off, scared and vulnerable, and our partner is there with us, willing to share in the scary stuff. These are the times that bring us the closest together.

“将各自的脆弱之处，相互分享”，这是亲密关系最重要的“建筑材料”，胜过其他的一切——你不妨将这句话，写在自家卧室的镜子上。源自爱情的种种美好所得，如欢笑、幸福和性爱，我们决不会忽视；然而，最能够加深亲密感的，莫过于当我们身心剧烈痛苦时，有相爱之人在身边，愿意和我们共同承担这一切。正是这样的时光，让我们和情侣，彼此亲密无间。

对你而言，冲突究竟意味着什么？

What’s in It for You?

Some people find it surprising to learn that a slut can experience overwhelming insecurities, but the truth is that sluts are just as nervous as anyone else, and skills to allay our anxieties were not taught us in our cradles.

“那个骚气顶着太阳风侧漏到八百光年之外的婊子，居然也会在亲密关系中，有惊慌失措的时候？”不少人对此感到不可思议。但事实上，婊子和其ta的一切凡人一样，也难免会陷入神经质。毕竟，没有谁天生就自带着克服焦虑的技能。

Your own freedom might turn out to be a lot easier to accept than your partner’s. It certainly does not follow that just because we can date others with equanimity that we will be equally calm when our partner takes off for an exciting evening with somebody else. Going out and staying home are separate functions, like eating and cooking, each with its own rewards, and each requires specific skills to accomplish.

同样的自由，往往我们自己乐于接受，但如果伴侣也这样做，我们就可能陷入双重标准。上述的双标，显然不能被正当化，不值得效法。我们完全可以既能让自己坦荡“出轨”，也能心平气和地目送自己的伴侣，出门和其他人约炮过夜。走出门去，或者待在家里，各有不同意义；就像吃饭和做饭，都是我们生活中的不同“彩蛋”，也都需要掌握不同的技能，使之更加完善。

When problems arise, a good question to ask yourself is “What am I hoping to get out of this situation?”Why are you doing all this hard work to become a slut? The answer depends on your own individual situation, but for many of us, the payoff is our own freedom, and we have to learn to give freedom to our partners if we’re going to get it for ourselves.

难题一旦出现，你不妨扪心自问：“我所期待的解决问题方式，究竟是什么，要达到怎样的结果？”也许有人会问，我何必要这样费劲巴拉、处心积虑地，把自己修炼成一个婊子呢？上述问题的答案，取决于你自己的状况，笔者无法给你什么；然而对于我们当中的大多数人而言，从中获得的收益，是我们更大的自由空间。只有学会给予伴侣同样的自由，我们自己才能真正得到它。

Giving and getting freedom means we also need to have some good ways to deal with the inevitable conflicts that will arise when strong emotions are at stake. There are lots of good ways. Start by checking in with yourself on what you already know about conflict. You already have very strong ideas about this; you learned them, literally, at your parents’ knees, if not cringing in the corner.

给予性自由、享受性自由，也意味我们需要掌握一些妥善应对冲突的方法，因为情绪“上头”、冲突爆发，依然可能发生。应对冲突，有很多可行之道。关于冲突，我们都不陌生，在此，我们先针对自己关于“冲突”的现有认知，做个“核查盘点”——不客气地说，这些往往都是我们之前向伴侣“屈膝求饶”，或者独自蹲在墙角痛哭，所换来的经验教训。

【练习题】针对“冲突”的自由书写

EXERCISE Conflict: A Freewrite

Try writing for ten minutes without pausing—just write down whatever comes into your mind about these questions: How was conflict dealt with in the family you grew up in? What did people do, and what beliefs were they operating on? Did someone use alcohol to deal with tension? Who in your family was likely to initiate conflict, who avoided it to a fault? Whose job was it to placate the angry people, whose job to sweep disagreements under the carpet? Who had the job of opening up conflict? What was your job? How would you describe your style of managing conflict?

在接下来的10分钟内，尝试着针对以下几个问题，快速写下你脑海中闪现的任何想法，不要停下来迟疑。这几个问题是：

你所成长的原生家庭，如何应对、处理冲突？每个人都为此做了些什么，以及，这些言行背后，是怎样的价值理念？可曾有人“借酒浇愁”、“借酒撒疯”？在你家里，谁更可能引发冲突？谁更可能回避冲突，却于事无补？谁经常扮演“安抚者”的角色，谁经常“和稀泥”？谁会让冲突凸显出来、爆发出来？你在其中，又是什么样的角色，做了些什么？你对自己应对冲突的方式，如何界定、如何评价？

Studying the scripts you had to live by in your childhood will explain a lot about how you react to anger and conflict today. Accept yourself: as a child, you had no choices; you had to fit in, somehow, to your family’s script. How did you keep yourself safe?

早在童年，你就在耳濡目染中，形成了很多应对冲突的“脚本”。审视、探究你的这些“脚本”，就能对你当下，面对愤怒和冲突时的表现，作出很多可靠的解释。无论如何，都要自我接纳：当你年幼时，你别无选择，只有被动地适应环境，包括以某种方式，去适应你家的“冲突脚本”。你是怎样自我保护、让自己的身心得到安宁的呢？

Was this never an issue? People who grew up in healthy families are often both easygoing and unafraid. (We’re not sure we’ve ever met anyone that healthy, but it sounds great in principle.) The downside of growing up in an unusually healthy family is that it can be hard to understand why everybody else gets so scared.

对此问题，切莫轻视。须知，成长于氛围良好的家庭，这样的人通常都很易于相处，并且心胸坦荡而非神经兮兮。（尽管我们不可能将这样的人调查个遍，但总体而言符合上述状况。）在氛围极其良好的家庭成长，所带来的不足是：可能会难以理解“为什么其他人，个个都那么容易炸毛”。

Most people, though, learned to hide for their own safety, or to fight back to protect themselves, or to become small and pathetic so that people would take pity on them. If you have any of these responses to conflict—defensiveness, rage, withdrawal, weepiness, whatever—it is certain that you developed them for a good reason.

然而大多数人都会出于自我保护，学会“戴着面具生活”、“逢人只说三分话”，或者一言不合就当场发飙回怼，生怕自己吃亏；还可能变得格外谦卑，乃至装怂装穷装孙子，让其他人不忍心欺负自己。当你面对冲突时，如果会采取以下的应对举措——百般辩解、勃然大怒、刻意逃避、一味退让，或者很容易哭出来，以及与之类似的种种——那就无疑表明，上述的“自我保护”模式，已在你的身心“落地生根”。

Once you understand how you learned your reflexes, more choices open up. Talk with your partners—what are their scripts? What’s going on when A really wants to hear how B feels, only B is trying to get safe by hiding? Maybe you each have different skills you learned about dealing with conflict—maybe you could learn new ones from each other.

唯有学会让自己放松、淡定，才能避免钻牛角尖，你也由此开启了更多的选择余地。平时多和你的伴侣聊聊：你们俩以及其他相关之人，分别有着怎样的“冲突脚本”？如果一方渴望倾听对方的真实感受，但另一方却没有勇气卸下“套中人”的心防伪装，这样的沟通，将如何进行？也许你们俩所习得的应对冲突方式，有很多不同之处，那么，你们彼此都能对方那里，学到应对冲突的新技能。

以公平合理的方式“干仗”

Fighting Fair

Thinking about how intimate bonds are cemented by sharing vulnerable feelings brings us to perhaps the ultimate act of intimacy: fighting. Many people believe that fighting between partners is to be avoided at all costs, but most relationship therapists would disagree.

和爱侣分享彼此的脆弱情感，也可能导致亲密关系中的最极端之举，也就是干仗、开撕——不妨想一想，“干仗”对双方的亲密关系，为何反而能够加强，又是通过怎样的方式加强的。在很多常人看来，伴侣之间一定要避免“干仗”，应当不惜一切代价“和稀泥”。然而，绝大多数的亲密关系咨询师，都不会赞同上述理念。

Fights between partners appear to be a universal experience; not many people actually enjoy them, but they seem to be necessary, a constructive element in the building of solid relationships, like the fires that make new growth possible in old forests. Only by fighting can partners struggle with their disagreements, express their most heartfelt feelings, and negotiate change and growth in their relationship.

只要搭伴过日子，就不可能永远“盆儿碗儿不磕”，这是所有人都有目共睹的经验常识。这并非因为大家愿意和谁“干仗”，而是因为“干仗”本身，有其必要性：营造稳固的亲密关系，“干仗”也是一种具有积极作用的原材料，就像大火对于深山老林的作用，为新的树木腾出了空间，提供了沃土。唯有在干起仗来的时候，伴侣双方才能一齐卯足力气，共同应对彼此的分歧，表述出各自内心深处最真实的想法，并且，对这段亲密关系的调整和改善，进行谈判协商。

There has to be a way to communicate anger in a long-term relationship, and there has to be a way to struggle with disagreements. How many times have you had a bitter argument with your partner, and when it was over, felt closer than you had before?

在一段长时期的亲密关系中，必须有针对内心的愤怒，以及种种分歧，来进行彼此交流的方法途径。想一想，你和伴侣吵得脸红脖子粗，吵完之后彼此反而更加亲近、信任：这种情况，你经历过多少次？

So the problem, as we see it, is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight in ways that are not destructive, physically, morally, or emotionally. A good fight is very different from abuse: in a good clean fight, there is respect for safety and mutuality so that both people get to express their feelings at full volume and come out the other end stronger and closer than before: bonded by fire, as it were.

不难由此看出，我们需要解决的问题，不是如何避免“干仗”，而是学会以适当的方式的“干仗”——不能导致毁灭性后果，不能诉诸肢体暴力，不能上升到人品道德层面，也不能只图情感发泄。好的“干仗”，截然不同于虐待、侮辱。一场道德无瑕的“干仗”，须包含对安全的重视，和对彼此关系的珍惜，这样才能让双方都能“开足火力”表述出各自的内心感受，然后共同走出困境，每个人都变得更加坚强，相互之间的情感也更加紧密。“干仗”时的“火花”，可以成为亲密关系的粘合剂——这种情况并不少见，不断发生。

The concept of “fair fighting”was first expounded by Dr. George R. Bach in his wonderful book, The Intimate Enemy: How to Fight Fair in Love and Marriage, Published in 1968, the book is terribly out-dated, but the material on communication, and detailed descriptions of constructive ways to share your anger with a partner, is priceless—this book is a classic. You might also consider reading any of the books listed in our Resource Guide at the end of the book. Whatever book you choose, reading a book together with your partner will put you on the same page, with some of the same information, and get you talking about how you communicate about what’s important to you, like how you feel. So: if feelings like to be heard, and anger is a feeling that can be very hard to hear, how can we vent anger without creating more trouble than we relieve?

“以公平合理的方式‘干仗’”，这个说法，最先出自乔治·R. 巴赫博士的杰作——出版于1968年的《亲密的对头：如何在爱情和婚姻中，公平合理地“干仗”》一书。如今这本书已经严重落后于时代，但其中关于沟通交流的内容，以及针对“向伴侣表达愤怒的建设性方式”，细致入微的阐述，则堪称无价之宝，此书也由此堪称经典。除此之外，本书末尾“资源导览”中的相关书目，你也不妨选读。无论你选了哪本书，只要和伴侣一起阅读，就能共同聚焦于同一页、同样的话题，并促使你们双方展开讨论：怎样针对自认为重要的事（例如自己的感受），和对方沟通。接下来顺理成章的问题是：既然你心中的一切感受，都渴望得到爱人的倾听，而怒气是最难以被接纳、被倾听的 【很容易把对方“吓住”，导致对方设法逃避，或者应激性地“反击”，并产生厌恶情绪。平心而论，当我们自己，面对别人的怒火宣泄，也会格外发怵。——译者注】 ；那么，我们究竟应当怎样发泄心中的怒气，才能避免制造“得不偿失”的更多问题（也就是：新招致的麻烦，比发泄掉的怒气更要命）？

【练习题】用“说胡话”的方式“干仗”

EXERCISE Gibberish Fight

This will be both silly and very satisfying. Set the timer for two minutes. Stand facing each other, a little distance apart. Express your anger simultaneously with stance and gesture: stamp your feet, wave your arms, and speak to your partner in entirely inarticulate sounds- moans, groans, sighs, growls. (lf you’re not sure what we mean here, imagine Donald Duck having a tantrum.) It’s hard to describe this in words, but when you go for the drama, freed from the need to make sentences, or to figure out who’s right and who’s wrong, or even to make any sense at all, you’ll communicate your feelings very well— and then have a good laugh. This is a great way to vent and break up the tension before a more serious conversation.

这种做法貌似愚蠢荒唐，但效果好得异常。将时间设定为两分钟，双方面对面站立，稍微保持些距离。然后，你们俩同时作火冒三丈之态，一齐将心中的怒气表达出来，既要讲出你的观点立场，也要包含肢体语言：顿足捶胸、张牙舞爪，并对你的伴侣，用含混不清的方式讲话，例如带着哭音的埋怨、拉长音的低声咕哝、大喘气的叹息、野兽般的咆哮或低吼。（如果你拿不准如何去做，那就不妨设想下：如果唐老鸭大发雷霆，该是个什么德行。）上述过程很难用语言描述，但你只要进入演戏的状态，就能放心大胆地顺口随便说，或者忽然明白了一些谁是谁非的道理，甚至从中若有所悟；这样一来，你就能够拥有很好的情感表达能力。练习完之后，你们双方都会大笑不止。在你和伴侣，即将进行一场严肃认真的沟通之前，通过这个方法，能够很好地发泄内心情绪、消融紧张气氛。

情绪“大爆发”

Triggering

How is it that we sometimes get triggered into very strong emotions, particularly at times of intimate conflict? We all do it; it’s not just you. Dossie recalls at nineteen having panic attacks that seemed to come out of nowhere, until one day she noticed that something had moved fast near her face. Her father was prone to sudden bursts of temper accompanied by a hard slap across the face, and Dossie realized that whenever something moved suddenly near her face—even her lover—some part of her believed that she was about to get hit. Once she understood this, she became able to look around and see that nothing was threatening her in the present, and these panic attacks disappeared.

有时候，我们会被突然“大爆发”，或曰陷入某些情绪的狂风乱流；尤其是当我们和亲密之人发生冲突时，更容易如此：这究竟是一种怎样的状况呢？不是你的个人问题，而是我们每个人都难免会这样。本书作者之一的道茜，至今依然记得她在19岁时，曾陷入惊恐，令她几乎不敢出门——直到有一天，她发觉有某种异样的东西，似乎贴着自己的脸部，一晃而过。这让她想到自己的父亲，经常突然发脾气，同时随手便是一记耳光扇过去；与此同时，道茜意识到：如今无论任何东西——哪怕是自己的情侣——只要突然在自己面前晃悠，自己的一部分脑回路，就会作出“准备挨揍”的应激反应。当道茜明确了自己的这些情况，就变得敢于四下张望，并由此发现，如今并没有什么东西会对自己构成现实威胁。于是她的惊恐感，从此烟消云散。

New research into brain functioning has given us a lot of very useful information about how triggering works on the physiological level. We have an organ called the “amygdala” in the middle of our brains, right under the hypothalamus, that does the job of remembering situations associated with strong emotions, both pleasurable and terrifying, and setting us into action. The most familiar form of this phenomenon is its greatest extreme, the flashbacks experienced by abuse survivors and combat veterans.

针对脑功能的新近研究成果，让我们就“情绪爆发的生理机制”，获得了很多有用的资讯。我们的脑组织，有个名叫“杏仁核”的部分，刚好位于下丘脑的下方；杏仁核的作用，是针对和强烈情绪相关的情境（既包括令人喜悦的，也包括令人惊恐的），进行记忆存储，并促使我们在类似的情境下爆发情绪、付诸行动。上述现象有个广为人知的极端表现，是痛苦经历的“闪回”（病理性重现）——众多曾遭受虐待侵害的幸存者，和亲历过战场的退伍军人，都有这种情况。

The amygdala has a direct line to the pituitary gland and can set off our emergency response systems before our intellects can catch up. Adrenaline pours into our bloodstream, norepinephrine floods our synapses, our cells release all their sugars into our veins to give us energy to fight or run, and everything instantly feels terribly, terribly urgent. Triggering is particularly common, and intense, in intimate arguments, where all of our old triggers we learned as children, when we were truly helpless, may get stimulated.

杏仁核直接影响脑垂体，从而激发我们身心的“应急响应”；而我们的理智，则难免相对滞后。肾上腺素被大量倾注到我们的血液循环之中，正肾上腺素大量涌入我们的神经突触，使得我们身体的所有细胞，纷纷将全部的糖都释放出来进入血液循环——这一切都为了给予我们充足的能量，让我们要么扑上去决一死战，要么掉过头来赶快逃走。上述的情绪“大爆发”，在和亲密之人的争吵中，非常容易出现，而且情绪的“烈度”极大：特别是当我们年幼时形成的“爆发机制”被再次触及的情况下，或者当我们深感无助之时，更容易变得像干柴烈火一样，突然之间一触即发。

The first thing to recognize is that nothing can get resolved in this adrenalized state. The flight-fight-freeze responses to adrenaline give us tremendous energy to survive a crisis, but not very much in the way of common sense.

你首先需要明确的是，在“血脉贲张”的状态下，任何问题也解决不了，只会搞得更糟。身体对肾上腺素飙升所作出的回应——“要么逃跑，要么开战，或者被吓得发呆发傻”——能够让我们在危难关头获得巨大力量，从而得以幸存。但这种方式，在平常日子里，却往往并不适用。

But all is not lost. Two things happen during this physiological stress response that we can learn to use. The first is that if we can occupy ourselves for fifteen or twenty minutes without restimulating the stress reflex, our physiology will return to normal and we will return to sanity. The process of taking a time-out to get calm again is described below.

但上述知识，自有其用途。当杏仁核被激发、肾上腺素飙升时，伴随着压力应激的生理反应，在此过程中会发生两件事情——我们如果了解这两件事，就可以对其有效利用。第一件事，是如果我们（在上述状态下），能够让自己分心于其他事务，如此保持十五到二十分钟，而不再继续受到刺激，导致和方才一样的压力反射——这样一来，我们的生理状况，就能恢复如常，并且回归理智。让自己“暂停受刺激，冷静十五分钟”从而恢复平静的具体做法，将在下文讲述。

Better yet, every time we succeed in spending that fifteen minutes taking care of ourselves in the kindest way we can muster, we actually physically heal our amygdalas—by growing more fibers that deliver soothing neurotransmitters—and thus increase our capacity to soothe ourselves in a crisis. So practice, practice, practice being kind to yourself.

比上面的第一件事（“暂停受刺激”）更好的（第二件事）是：每次我们成功地采用“暂停受刺激”的方式——花上十五分钟，尽一切可能的方式，来抚慰自己——都是对自己的杏仁核，进行有效地治愈。通过这个过程，能够生成更多的神经纤维，来运送具有安慰性、舒缓性的神经递质；这样一来，也能够增强我们在危机时刻或恐慌状态下，平复自己情绪的能力。所以，上述过程你一定要多多练习，或曰练习“善待你自己”。

Here’s how to take a time-out when you and a partner get triggered. Find a way to stop and separate, then find a kindly way to take care of yourself for about fifteen minutes without retriggering your emergency system, until your adrenaline gets back to normal and you feel relatively calm.

在此，我们谈谈在你或者你的伴侣，情绪即将“大爆发”时，该如何进行“暂停受刺激”的“危机干预”。——首先，要找到一种（简易可行、行之有效）的方法，让自己停下来（而不要继续发作，避免在激烈的情绪下付诸行动），并且让冲突的双方隔离开（分别在不同的地方，各自调整情绪、冷静下来）。接下来，要找到一种温柔平和的方式，来进行适用于你自己的“十五分钟自我关爱”：在此过程中，避免让自己的“危机系统”重新被激发，直到你的肾上腺素恢复到正常水平，也就是相比方才而言，感到心平气和。

There are some agreements you will need to negotiate beforehand with each of your partners. First, everyone should understand that a time-out is absolutely not about whose fault this is. If what you’re doing or talking about is what triggered the emergency overload, then both of you need to stop doing that in order to stop the adrenaline. Stopping can be difficult: someone is almost certain to feel abandoned, cut off, interrupted, or unheard. Remember, this is for fifteen minutes, not forever.

你需要和自己的每一个性伴侣，都事先商量好，达成以下几个共识。首先，每个人都要明确，上述的“暂停受刺激的十五分钟”，和“谁对谁错”，毫不相干。如果你们当下所要处理的问题是“导致情绪超载或曰面临失控的诱因，究竟是怎样的始末缘由、是非对错”，那么，你们双方都需要停止继续“斗气”，不要让肾上腺素继续飙升。“停止继续斗气”，可能非常困难：也许你们当中的某一方，已经几乎认定自己遭到抛弃、被刻意“划清界限”，或者感到自己的表述被对方粗暴打断、不肯再倾听。但无论如何，请切记：暂停斗气、暂时停止相互刺激，只是彼此冷静十五分钟而已，并非永久“翻篇儿”。

Since you will probably need to be at least in separate rooms for a few minutes, a prior discussion as to what room each of you might want to be in is a good idea. Where are your computers, your books, your reading chairs? If someone likes to listen to music or watch television, are headphones needed to provide quiet for the other? If someone needs to go outside, it’s useful to agree on a phone call within twenty minutes to check in and make sure everybody’s all right.

既然你们双方（在情绪即将大爆发时），都需要各自在不同的房间里冷静十几分钟，那么笔者建议，针对“谁更乐意待在哪个房间”，最好在平时，事先商量好。你的电脑、书籍、座椅，分别在哪里？如果有人在独自冷静的十几分钟里，打开音乐或者电视，要不要事先准备好耳机，以免干扰到可能想要安静独处的另一个人？如果有人想要出去待会儿，那么一个必要的做法，是事先约定好，如果二十分钟之内还没回来，对方就打电话将其叫回来，这也为了确认每个人都安好（以免担心谁是不是发生了意外）。

Some people like to agree on a safeword to call a time-out; maybe“time-out,” or perhaps “red,”or maybe something silly that might help defuse the anger. If you laugh when you say“pussycat”when an argument has gotten out of control, maybe that’s a good thing.

有些伴侣之间，可能会对“十五分钟冷静时段”，有不一样的约定说词（有点类似虐恋游戏中的安全词，即safeword）：既可以用明确直白的“time-out”，也可以用“红色”，或者其他听起来更傻缺的词汇——最好能在气头上，有助于为彼此“消火”。如果当你说出“喵了个屄的”，即使正处在吵架的气头上也会笑出来，那么，用这个短语作为“十五分钟冷静”的指令词，就是个很不错的选择。

If you have kids, and they are home, who will be responsible for them? Children may get nervous or want reassurance when the adults fight, which is in no way wrong. But they might feel needy or clingy at a time when you’d rather be free to focus on your own needs.

如果你们家里有小孩，当你们吵架时、“各自冷静十五分钟”时，谁负责照顾孩子呢？只要家里的大人“干架”（这无关谁对谁错），孩子就可能感到精神紧张，需要及时抚慰。尤其是，当你的情绪“焦头烂额”，迫切需要独自静一静时，孩子可能渴望有人陪伴，会格外黏着你。

Make an agreement to honor a time-out with silence. Trying to get in one more thought is likely to trigger another adrenaline release and prolong the problem.

为此，需要（和全家所有人）事先达成协议，确保在那“十五分钟的冷静时间”里，得享安宁、不被打扰。在这样的节骨眼儿，如果为另一件事操心，很容易再次让肾上腺素飙升，导致情绪继续激化、麻烦更难休止。【这似乎也体现了三口之家的困境：当两个成年监护人各自冷静十五分钟时，孩子怎么办？“全家人事先达成协议”，只有当孩子，身心已经发育到不低于某种水平的成熟度，才有可行性。本书的作者都是多性伴侣者，和多元成家的成功践行者，她俩对于大部分的“普通家庭”，也许反而很陌生，毕竟多年没有亲身经验。当然，从另一个角度讲，大概也表明：和多个性伴侣共同抚养孩子，也就是多监护人（超过两个人）的多元家庭，对孩子的身心健康成长，反而副作用更少，益处更大。——译者】

You’ll want to talk these things over with your partner to plan your initial practice at time-out. Then, look for an occasion to practice. You might decide to call a time-out over an issue that is only a little bit disturbing, just for practice.

读到这里，你大概想要和你的伴侣，谈谈上述的内容，一起针对“十五分钟冷静”进行预演练习。那就尽快找个时间去做吧！也许，你会找个令自己感到有些困扰的话题，作为“争吵”并需要“各自冷静十五分钟”的由头，来进行预演练习。

When you feel your most familiar uncomfortable emotions flaring up and you recognize you’re being triggered—perhaps at the level of irritation or frustration, perhaps rage or grief—call a time-out. Strong emotions often appear very fast and can be very hard to predict, so as soon as you remember the option when you start flooding with feelings, call a time-out.

当你觉察到，你最为熟悉的负面情绪，正在内心“腾然升起”，令自己随时可能“大爆发”——也许达到了气恼到心跳加速，或者沮丧低落的程度；也许达到了暴跳如雷或者悲愤欲绝的地步——这个时候，就要赶快（向自己身边的人）提出“独自冷静十五分钟，别再继续受刺激”的要求。强烈的情绪，可能会突然不期而至，根本无法事先预防，所以，当你的情绪“怒涛”袭来时，你要尽快回忆起上述的方法，向你身边的人提出“我要立刻一个人静一静”。

Wrench yourselves out of the conversation and go to your agreed-upon places. Do whatever you’ve thought might be calming, and not retriggering. Take a few deep breaths and remember to exhale thoroughly; reducing the carbon dioxide in your lungs will help the adrenaline subside. We like activities that occupy the mind—neither of your authors has much luck with meditating when we’re feeling triggered; if you can do it, go for it, but don’t put yourself down if you can’t empty your mind right now. We tend to turn to a novel or magazine, surfing the Internet, solitaire, music, or maybe an old movie. Try to steer clear of things that create more adrenaline: be careful of “shoot-‘em-up”games or music with violent lyrics. Some people do very well with dancing out anger to raging hip-hop, while others find it too stimulating. You will learn from experience what works for you.

将自己从（激发强烈负面情绪的）沟通中抽离，到事先约定好的地方（独自冷静一会儿）。此时，任何一种在你看来，能够让你心情平缓下来的方式，都可以尝试，只要确保不将情绪再次激发起来就行。你不妨做几个深呼吸——别忘了把深深吸进去的气，完全彻底地呼出来——降低肺部的二氧化碳含量，能够促进你的肾上腺素分泌，走下峰值、延缓波动。就本书的两位作者而言，往往在这种情况下，更喜欢让自己的头脑忙起来，以分心分神、缓解情绪；至于静心冥思之类，我俩在情绪上头时，谁也做不来（没那个修为，自身机缘太差）——但如果你可以做到，静心冥思确实是一种值得采纳的好方法。然而要注意，避免让其实并没有真正做到“放空”的自己，陷入郁闷沮丧、情绪低落的状态。本书的两位作者，在这个时候的常见做法，包括读小说、翻杂志、上网浏览、玩单人游戏、听音乐，或者重温老电影。但无论如何，都要避免让身体分泌出更多的肾上腺素，最好不要玩射击格杀类的游戏，不要触碰含有暴力内容的曲艺作品。当然，这也是因人而异。例如有的人伴随着节奏激烈的摇滚乐跳舞，能够有效地将怒火释放出去，从而缓解情绪；但有的人这样做，则会适得其反。你需要结合自己的切身经验，找到适合自己的做法。

You might want to write out your feelings, or draw them. The quality of the art is irrelevant; this is for you. One of your authors has journal sessions that start with frankly insane projections complete with terrible accusations and gradually grow into a remarkably nonjudgmental investigation of what she and her partner were fighting about, sometimes ending with new insights about what upset her so much.

也许，你还可以将自己的情绪感受，写下来，或者画出来。写作或者绘画的“艺术水平”无关紧要，反正读者只有你一个人。本书的一位作者，有一套“写个人札记”的方法：刚开始时的内容，充斥着毫无理性的情感投射，夹杂着气急败坏的人身攻击——总之都是别人的错；渐渐地，画风逐渐转变为：以异常冷静平和、价值中立不加评判的话语，对自己和伴侣“干架”的始末缘由，进行复盘、探究——有时候，还会用一些新的视角，对困扰自己的问题进行反思，如此结尾。

After fifteen minutes, check in with yourself—are you feeling better? Your time-outs could take longer the first few times until you learn what works for you and gain some confidence in your process.

如此十五分钟过后，对你自己进行审视：你的情绪感受，有没有变得好一点？你最初进行的几次“独自冷静一段时间”，可能不止十五分钟，而是需要花更长的时间——直到你掌握了自我情绪调节的有效方式，并且从中得到“我有能力控制好自己情绪”的信心。

When you are ready to come back together, do something easy and comforting. Go for a walk in a park, or get your favorite takeout, or cook something together, or watch a video in a companionable way. Make an appointment to resume the discussion that triggered the time-out.

当你们结束了各自的“冷静片刻”，回聚到一起，（在准备进入吵架的正题之前），不妨先做些能够让你们感到轻松、愉快的事情：例如，到公园里溜达一会，点些你们最爱吃的外卖，或者一起做顿饭，以相互陪伴的姿态一起看些短视频。然后，协商一致，继续进行方才中断的争论。

The process of a time-out is seldom elegant, pretty, or even remotely resembling okay. We need to take time-outs when we are in emotional overwhelm and definitely not at our best. Be ready to forgive each other for being human. Be ready to forgive yourself. The results are well worth it when you come back together ready for harmony and understanding.

以上所述的“各自冷静一会”，在实际操作中，往往难免会搞得慌手忙脚、乱七八糟、颠三倒四、一地鸡毛。毕竟，我们之所以需要“各自冷静，避免继续受刺激”，是因为我们的情绪已经爆发，因此，绝不能用我们的日常理想状态作为标准，来责全求备。做好这样的准备：既原谅彼此，也放过自己，毕竟“你我皆凡人”。当你们继续回到方才的争吵话题，一起为重归和谐、相互理解而努力，之前片刻的“各自冷静”，和对其间种种不完善之处的宽容，就堪称“磨刀不误砍柴工”。

解决方案，力求共赢

Win-Win Solutions

A good fight starts with the understanding that in order for a fight to be successful, both people have to win. If one person wins a fight and the other loses, the problem that caused the fight has not been resolved. It is naive to imagine that just because you’ve “lost”, you’ve given up your interest in whatever issue is at stake. When you feel overpowered, outgunned, or shouted down, you will be resentful, and the problem will go on being a problem. The only real way to win is to come to a solution where all parties concerned feel that they have won. So in a good clean fight, each person’s feelings get heard and considered, and solutions are decided on by agreement, not rhetorical “might makes right”.

最理想的“干仗”，是每个人都带着以下共识：“唯有最终达成协议，让各方都觉得自己是赢家，这场‘对决’才是成功的。”如果其中有人成为“赢家”，有人成为“输家”，那就表明，导致双方“干仗”的问题，并没有真正解决。如果幻想一个人只要“打输了”，就会从此自甘放弃所有关乎自身的利益，任由“赢家”摆布，这纯属幼稚。当你感到被对方威压、强迫，或者输给了对方的大嗓门，你会为此愤愤不平，而且，导致这种状况的问题，依然杵在你心里。唯一的成功之道，是找出一种方案，让所有当事人都感到满意，都觉得自己获得了胜利。所以，一场良性的、干净的“干仗”，每一个当事人的感想，都必须得到其他所有人的倾听和考虑；并且，解决问题的方案，要以大家的一致同意为基础，决不能变成所谓的“谁力气大，谁更有理”。

We make a fight fair by agreeing on rules and limits, and by respecting everyone’s right to express their feelings and opinions, including our own. It is usually helpful to schedule a time to fight and make an agreement to do so; it does not promote constructive hostilities if we waylay our partner in the bathroom or on the way out the door to work. We need to schedule discussions at a time when we can give them our full attention.

要想公平合理地“干仗”，就必须对事先约好的规则和边界，都要严格遵守，并且尊重每个人表述其感受和看法的权利——人人平等、不容侵犯的权利，我们自己也同样享有。一个通常很好的做法，是在即将“干仗”之前，彼此约好一个“干仗时间”，并事先达成一些基本共识 【比如什么话绝不能说，即使有人在气头上不留意说出来也不能被当真；或者一旦有人情绪失控，如何紧急叫停，等等。——译者注】 。相反，如果突然把伴侣堵在浴室门口，或者在其准备上班时将其拦在门前，这样的“干仗”，没有建议性的意义，只有彼此对抗的火药味。我们必须对即将发生的争吵，事先约定好一个专门的时间，这样才能确保双方都能够专注于此。

Scheduling fights has the added advantage that you can prepare for them, organize your thoughts, and know you have a time when this particular issue will be dealt with. If you feel bad about the grocery bills on Tuesday, and you know you have a date to fight about it on Thursday, it’s pretty easy to put your stuff aside until then. Most people don’t put their stuff aside very well when it seems that their issues will never get dealt with.

事先约好“干仗”的专门时间，另一个好处，是你可以为此做好准备，组织好你的思路；此外还能明确知晓：你所关注的某个特定话题，将有足够的时间来讨论、处理。当你约好在周四“干仗”，而周二的购物账单让你感到很不爽，相信你并不难把账单之类先放在一旁，先把和伴侣干仗的正事儿搞定再说。与之相反的，是那些没有事先安排好“干仗”时间的人，其中的大多数，都难免把最近的各种烦心事，和“干仗”的事情搅在一起，而且总会觉得自己的任何一件事情都没能得到妥善解决，终日为之焦头烂额。

“Whaddaya mean, schedule a fight? Don’t they just erupt, like volcanoes? And when we have a fight, we are not likely to obey any rules or respect any limits, right? Aren’t we talking about intense emotional outbursts?” Well, yes, we are, but we don’t believe that you can settle any issues when you are in an intense emotional state. When your feelings erupt, it is important to acknowledge them and pay attention. However awkwardly you may be expressing yourself, this is your truth; you obviously feel strongly about it, so it’s an important truth.

读到这里，有人可能会这样反问：“你居然让我们对‘干仗’的时间进行事先预约，这到底是什么意思？有可能实现吗？那些争吵、‘干仗’，像火山爆发一样突然，不是吗？再说，一旦干起仗来，谁还能够遵守什么规则、尊重什么边界？你此刻在书中和我们讨论的，不正是这样的情绪大爆发的状况吗？”——是的，笔者就是在探讨上述的状况，但笔者深知，当你处于情绪激动的状态下，根本无法妥善解决任何问题。所以，当你感到情绪已经爆发时，承认这种现状，并且充分留意自己的情绪，是非常重要的。

以“我”为主语，来进行表述

I-Messages

Good communication begins with everybody talking about their feelings, long before they get to discussing the pros and cons of any solutions. Good communication is based on identifying our feelings, expressing them, and getting validation that our partner hears and understands what we are saying, whether or not they agree. Emotions are not opinions, they are facts—truths about what people are experiencing.

良好、高效的沟通，起始于“每个人都能道出自己的内心感受”——也就是说，在针对某个问题的解决方案，进行赞同或反对的争论之前，“先谈自己的心情，再谈身外的事情”。明确自己的内心感受，将自己的感受表述出来，并且确定自己的伴侣既留意到了，也听明白了（无论伴侣对我的感受和我的表述内容，是否赞成）：上述要点，是建立良好沟通的基础前提。情感不是观点，但却是必不可少的事实，每个人都需要了解其ta人正在经历的心理感受。

Try speaking in sentences that begin with “I feel.” There is an enormous difference between saying “you are making me feel so bad” and “I feel so bad.” The I-message is a pure statement of feeling, and there is no accusation in it. When your lover doesn’t feel attacked and doesn’t need to feel defensive, he or she is free to listen to what you’re actually saying. Conversely, if your sentence starts with “you”, and especially with “you always”, your partner may well perceive an attack and respond defensively.

尽量试着说出以“我感到”开头的句子。须知，说出“你让我感到很难受”，或者“我感到很难受”，二者的沟通效果，有着天壤之别。以“我”为主语的表述，仅仅是针对个人感受的阐明，简单纯粹、别无掺杂，不包含对任何人、任何事的指责。当你的爱侣，并没有从你的话语中，感到对自己的谴责、攻击，也就不需要为之设防、辩护；那么，也就更容易以平常放松的心态，认真倾听你的所表达的一切，包括话外音。反过来讲，如果一上来就对伴侣说“你如何如何”，尤其是“你三番五次、没完没了、屡教不改地……如何如何”，伴侣就会感受到浓郁的火药味儿，进而以自我防御的姿态和自我辩护的方式，来回应你。

The words “I feel” then need to be followed with an emotion—sad, mad, glad, angry—or a physical feeling like queasy, tense, wound-up, shaky. Messages that begin with “I feel that” more often express a belief than a feeling, as in “I feel that we should not be enjoying so much sex,” or a covert you-message, like “I feel that you are crazy.” We are often tempted to describe our emotions in words that end in “-ed,” as in “I feel judged/attacked/betrayed.” This is a covert you-message:“You are judging/attacking/betraying me.”

以“我感到”开头的语句，必须紧随着对自己情绪的描述——例如伤心、暴怒、开心、恼火——也可以是情绪所造成的的身体反应，例如恶心想吐、浑身紧张、身心不安、肢体颤抖。与之相悖的反例，变味的感觉也很明显。如果“我感到”的后面，接的是一个主语谓语齐全的句子（而不是单纯的自身情绪词汇），往往就会转变为对“个人看法”的陈述，而不再是对自己情绪的表达——例如“我感到我们不应该享受那么多的床笫之欢”，或者变相的“你如何如何”的表述，例如“我觉得你疯了”。另一个常见的负面例子，是我们往往会用“被动句”，来表达自己的感受，例如“我感到我被（别人）指指点点评头论足，受到（别人的）攻击，或者遭到（别人的）背弃”。这分明就是变相的“你如何如何”——“你在评判我、攻击我、背弃了我……”！

Most of us resent it when another person tells us how we feel—whether or not they are correct is immaterial. It is a violation of our boundaries when another person presumes to tell us what our inner truth is. Dossie trained with a supervising therapist who used to point his finger at clients and say, “I know what your problem is!” You probably already know how you feel when someone does that to you. Try, instead, asking a respectful question. “How are you feeling right now? I’m wondering if you’re sad.”

如果旁人“替你”道出你的感受，对这种事情，大多数人都会感到很恼火，你我亦然；至于那个人说的是对还是错，根本无关紧要。当其他人擅自脑补并且“替我们”说出我们的内心世界，这种做法对我们是一种冒犯，践踏了我们的底线。本书作者之一的道茜，曾经培训过一位心理咨询督导，此人在过去经常对其咨询客户伸出一根手指说：“我知道你的问题所在！”——读到这里，你大概能设身处地觉察到，被人如此对待，是怎样的感受。那么，不妨试着换一种说法，以尊重对方的态度来进行询问，比如“你现在觉得怎么样了？我很想了解，你究竟为什么感到伤心。”

We can’t ask our lovers to hold still while we sling accusations at them, using them as a target for our frustrations; that would be asking them to consent to being abused, and they would be right to resist. But we can ask them to listen to how we feel, because putting aside their own agendas for a few minutes and listening to our feelings is a doable task for the listener. To learn how to use I-messages, try talking about an issue that is current for you without ever using the word “you,” and without talking about what anyone else is doing, but only about your own feelings. This technique takes a little practice but is less difficult than it may seem at first.

当你把一堆指责的话语抛向你的爱人，或者说，将所爱之人当作活靶子，各种令人懊丧的东西统统丢给ta们，那么，你休想指望ta们，乖乖地呆在那里任你蹂躏——谁也没有自甘受虐的义务，相反，ta们有权利对你进行抵抗。然而，我们可以要求所爱之人，倾听我们的内心感受，因为将自己的事情暂停几分钟，用心倾听你的感受，是ta们能够做到的。要想掌握“以‘我’为主语，来进行表述”，不妨现在就试着对和自己当下有所关联的某个话题，来进行阐述——其中既不能含有“你”字，也不能包含其他人的行为，只需道出自己的感受。这项技能需要锻炼，但只要你付诸实干，就会发觉它其实并不那么难。

When it’s your turn to listen to how your lover feels, put yourself in listening mode. Remember, feelings like to be heard and validated, so don’t analyze or try to explain things. Just listen, and you may be surprised to hear something you didn’t know. You can learn how the world looks from someone else’s shoes, you can appreciate that person’s feelings, you can validate that person’s position and express understanding.

当你和自己的所爱之人进行上述练习，轮到你倾听爱人的感受时，一定要让自己进入全心全意的倾听状态。切记，每个人的种种感受，都希望得到所爱之人的倾听和肯定，为此，当你倾听时，不要对任何事情进行分析和解释。你所唯一要做的就是听，在倾听的过程中，你也许会出乎预料地感到，你所听到的一些内容，是自己之前根本不了解的。这样一来，你就能学会站在别人的视角来看待世间百态，你也能理解那个人的感受，你还能够对那个人的立场，持以肯定性的态度，并且，将自己的感同身受，明确地告知对方。

Then the solutions can flow more freely and more naturally.There are no wrong solutions, and no right ones: only the agreements that fit well with how we all feel.

接下来，问题究竟该如何解决，就能够更加灵活地处理，甚至水到渠成地搞定。解决问题的方案，本身无关对或者错：这只是你们之间达成的协定，刚好能够填补彼此的情感缺口。

【练习题】心情感受，彼此交流

EXERCISE Feelings Dyad

The purpose of this exercise is to speak about your own feelings in such a way that your partner can hear you, and to listen carefully to your partner’s feelings. Each person gets three minutes to speak while the other listens.

这项练习的目的，是让你能够用伴侣“能够听懂”的方式，道出自己的心情感受，同时，你也要悉心倾听伴侣的心情感受。每个人发言的时间，限制在三分钟；其ta人在这三分钟里，唯一要做的就是倾听。

Choose a time when you and your partner(s) can spend half an hour or forty-five minutes with no interruptions. Choose who will speak and who will listen. Set a timer for three minutes—five if you’re feeling adventurous, but no more.

找个大家都方便的时间，和自己的伴侣（可以是多人）一起，腾出确保不被打扰的半个小时或者四十五分钟，接下来，确定“言说者”和“倾听者”。设定好三分钟（最多五分钟，如果你觉得不超过三分钟的表达时间，实在太有挑战性的话）。

Remember, feelings like to be heard. So while you are listening, all you are going to say are things that indicate listening, like “Okay,""Yes,” “I hear you,” and “I understand.”

切莫忘记，每个人的种种情感，都渴望被其ta人听到、听懂。所以当你处在“倾听者”的位置时，你如果想要说些什么，也只能限于“表明你正在倾听”的内容，例如“好的”、“是的”、“我听到了”、“我明白了”。

Read about I-messages, earlier in this chapter. Remember that we can ask our beloveds to listen to us talk about our feelings and how we are doing. It’s not fair to ask anyone to stand still and be a target for accusations and blame, so for this exercise, sentences beginning with “You” are out of bounds. Both of you should try to maintain eye contact during this exercise.

本章前面的“以‘我’为主语的表述”，有必要再去读一读。记住，我们可以请求自己的爱人，听我们倾诉衷肠——也就是我们自己的心情感受和所作所为；然而，我们无权要求任何人，像人肉靶子一样，静坐在那里承受着我们的指责和抱怨——所以，一旦这里出现了以“你”这个字眼开头的句子，这个练习就发生了犯规行为，无效。练习中，言说者和倾听者之间，要始终保持目光接触。

Try this as a script to talk about jealousy, and you can later use it to discuss any emotional situations. Here is a script you can follow:

建议你和伴侣，先按照上述的脚本，对“醋意”（自己的醋意感受）这个话题进行讨论。之后，你们还可以照葫芦画瓢，讨论其他的种种情绪感受。下面是一个实际操演的示范：

Listener: “About jealousy, what would you like to tell me?”

Speaker: “When I look inside, I find …” (speaking as long as is comfortable)

Listener (throughout): “Yes.” “I hear you.” “Okay.” “Uh-huh.” (and so on)

Listener (when Speaker stops): “Is there anything else you’d like to tell me about that?”

Speaker (may continue, or say): “No. I’m through for now.”

Listener: “Thank you.”

倾听者：“关于吃醋，你有什么想要对我说的吗？”

言说者：“当我审视自己的内心，我觉察到……”（尽管放开了说，照顾好自己的情绪）

倾听者（当言说者进行长篇大论时）：“是的”、“我听到了”、“好的”、“嗯，哦。”（以及其他类似的回应）

倾听者（当言说者的话语停下来时）：“关于那件事，你还有其他内容想要对我说吗？”

言说者（如果已经说完）：“没有了，我对你的话说完了。”

倾听者：“谢谢你。”

Listeners will often find themselves full of ideas, suggestions, and so on, which they need to keep to themselves. Put your own ideas aside for these few minutes, and pay attention to what it’s like to just focus on listening. Because you may be full of responses to what you have heard, we suggest waiting a bit or doing something else before switching roles.

处于倾听者的一方，往往内心会“油然而生”出一大堆的想法和建议之类，但这些都需要憋在心里，不要说出来。在倾听对方所言的这几分钟里，把你的想法暂时搁置在一边，只管用心倾听便可。笔者就此进一步建议，当对方说完，轮到你来说、ta来听时，你最好先做点别的事，让自己缓一缓，以免你对方才所听到的内容，忍不住作出点评或者建议之类的回应。（轮到你说时，你所要说的内容，是自己的内心感受，而非接着对方刚才的话头和ta掰扯。）

These are intimate conversations. Show your appreciation to your partner for being brave enough to talk about these struggles. Hugs work great.

这样的交流，是性伴侣之间的亲密行为。为此，你要展现出对伴侣的充分认可和接纳，从而让伴侣勇于说出其内心的纠结。多一些相互拥抱，效果会非常好。

你可以得到更多帮助

Help Is Available

You don’t have to do all this on your own—many wonderful books, classes, workshops, and other resources are available. It’s a good idea to put aside some time and energy to learn about communication and to do it with the person you’re trying to communicate with.

你和自己的伴侣们，并非只能“自己的问题自己解决”；你们还可以参考很多相关书籍，或者参加相关的课程、工作坊，以及寻求其他各种资源。一个非常值得推荐的做法，是特意花些时间和精力，来学习沟通技能，并且主动与你希望结识的人进行交流，来实操演练沟通技能。

There are many excellent weekend workshops focusing on communication for couples; many churches offer weekend marriage retreats, and some medical centers offer classes in couples’ communication and anger management. Workshops and classes are worth attending even if they don’t specifically address sluttery. We’ve never known a couple who went to a communication or intimacy workshop and didn’t gain some good new skills and insights from it. Some workshops exist specifically to work on issues arising from nonmonogamy. Don’t hesitate to take these workshops, and remember that the facilitator has expertise in creating safe environments to explore highly charged issues. Many couples repeat these workshops when a new issue has arisen in their lives. We encourage you to take a class or a workshop, or to join a support group suitable to your needs. Just knowing that others struggle with some of the same issues that you do can help.

（在当下的美国）有很多专门针对伴侣之间的沟通，而开设的周末工作坊，都非常精彩、实用；还有很多教堂，都在周末提供促进婚姻关系的技能提升培训，此外一些医学中心，也有关于伴侣沟通和怒火管控的大众课程。上述的各种工作坊和大众课程，尽管未必明言支持“性开放”之类的婊子精神，却也往往值得参加，从中能够颇有收获。就笔者所知，从来没有任何一对伴侣，在参加了某个关于沟通交流或者亲密关系的工作坊之后，从观点到实用技能都一无所得。有一些工作坊，其存在意义，就是专门针对多边关系，解决各种问题，提升幸福质量。放下一切顾虑，去参加这类工作坊吧！须知，这类工作坊的负责人，具有专业素养，能够营造安全空间，来共同探讨形形色色的激情敏感话题。很多伴侣都是这类工作坊的常客，只要日常生活中遇到新的问题，就会再次登门求助。笔者强烈建议你，试着参加一次上述的课程，或者体验一次此类工作坊，也可以加入某个适合自己的互助小组。要知道，也许其ta人正在为某些你所熟悉的问题而纠结，而你偏巧能够有效有力地帮助ta们。【就内地而言，专注于亲密关系的心理咨询师，也有很多。其中的一些咨询师，有微信公号或者微博、抖音。通过此人在网上的公开发言，往往可以觉察到此人的价值观，乃至处理问题的风格。你要相信自己的直觉，发现“感觉对味的”，就可以向其留言、提问，对此人作出进一步的判断。这样多多尝试，你就能逐渐找到不止一个适合自己的咨询师，即使需要付出相当的费用，也是值得的。——译者】

Support, ideas, and information can also be found through online groups and tribes. See chapter 17,“Making Connection,”for ideas on how to find these.

通过网络社群和线上机构，也能得到很多支持、建议和资讯。至于怎样搜寻到，可参阅本书第17章，《开拓人脉，广结善缘》。

A more expensive, but still excellent, option is to do some sessions with a couples’ counselor. In general, we recommend this as a second-level alternative, after you’ve already done some classes and workshops, unless you have privacy concerns that make classes and workshops difficult for you.

还有一个优质优价的方式，就是求助于亲密关系咨询师。一般而言，笔者将这种方式，作为一种“第二线”的选项——当你已经学习了很多相关课程，参与了很多次相关的工作坊之后，如果发现依然有些问题尚未解决，尤其是涉及一些在课堂上难以询问、在工作坊中难以启齿的话题，那么，就可以求助于专业咨询师。 【工作坊是多人参与的；而亲密关系咨询，除了需要特殊说明的团体咨询之外，通常都是咨询师和客户的一对一服务。客户所说的内容，以及其他信息，咨询师必须严格保密，这是所有咨询师都明确的基本伦理。——译者注】

Screen any of these resources about whether they’ll be accepting of your open relationship. Some old-fashioned psychologists, and the leaders of some workshops and retreats, may believe that your lust for many people is a symptom of psychological disturbance; you may not feel adequately safe and supported in such a hostile environment. If you need help finding a sympathetic therapist or group, try asking your friends or checking the Resource Guide at the end of this book. Most therapists now have websites where they list their skills and experience and something about their philosophy: you can email them to ask what their experience is in working with polyamorous relationships.

针对一切可以求助的资源，都需要进行审视和筛选，确保你所试图求助的对象，能够接纳你的多边恋爱、开放关系。一些心理工作者、工作坊带领者和相关培训课程的负责人，固守着陈腐的观念，他们可能把你同时和多人相爱的“骚情”，视为心理错乱的表现；这种不友善的环境，会让你难以感受到充分的安全可信，遑论帮助、支持。如果你亟需找到一位能够和你建立同理心的心理咨询师，或者能够相互尊重、彼此共情的支持小组，那么，建议你向跟你类似的朋友们询问，从而得到圈内口碑较好的资源，也可以参阅本书末尾的“资源导览”。如今的大部分心理咨询师，都有自己的网络平台，从中你可以看到该咨询师的技能、履历，也能在某种程度上觉察到此人的三观。你还可以通过电子邮件等在线方式，询问该咨询师，是否具有涉及到多边关系者的服务经验。

We strongly recommend that you investigate these types of help sooner rather than later. Just about everyone can use an occasional communications skills tune-up, and if you wait until your relationship is in crisis, you’ll face much harder work than if you’d been practicing your skills all along.

笔者强烈建议你，尽快对上述几类服务，进行调查研究、探索尝试，越早越好，不要拖延。有一项每个人都能做的“热身练习”，那就是将一些特定情况下的沟通技巧，在平时即兴而为、尝试应用；如果你平时缺乏对此类技能的演练，非要等到亲密关系发生危机时，再“临时抱佛脚”，你所面临的困难会更大。

慢半拍，让时间成为你的益友

Time Is Your Friend

In some Native American cultures it is customary to wait several minutes after a person speaks before responding: it is rude and disrespectful to fail to think about what the person has said, and to speak immediately would indicate that you have simply been waiting for the speaker to be quiet so that you can then attempt to change his or her mind. We recommend taking some time before responding to any serious communication, especially when it’s important to the speaker. Maybe if you pay attention you’ll hear something new.

按照一些美国本土的风俗文化 【美国文化自欧洲人开始移民至此，就一直是多元多样的——译者注】 ，当一个人对其ta人的话语进行回应时，通常会先迟疑几分钟；如果没有想明白对方的话究竟是什么意思，就立刻回话，这样做会显得：分明是你急于让对方闭嘴，以便用自己的高论来给对方洗脑，试图让此人改变想法。如此之举，不但粗鲁，而且是对别人的不尊重。笔者谈论这些，是为了建议你，任何一次严肃认真的沟通，都不妨在作出回应之前，先迟疑一会，花点时间想一想再开口——尤其是在对方所说的内容，对ta自己而言非常重要的情况下。当你全神贯注地聆听，也许你会从中听出之前没有注意到的内容。

People often approach a disagreement as if it were urgent that it be resolved right away. They strive for a resolution within minutes of discovering that they don’t agree about something—something that they have in fact never agreed on.

处理一项争议、分歧，往往会想要立即将其搞定，仿佛时间真的很赶——这是人之常情。很多人一旦发现有分歧存在，就试图在几分钟内，拿出一套解决方案。而事实上，那些导致分歧的因素，争执的双方已经在过去很长时间里，都各执一词，无法达成共识。

But you’ve probably been living with that disagreement for a long time, and a little while more is not going to make a lot of difference. Thus, consider this strategy: acknowledge the disagreement, give each of you a chance to state your feelings using the principles you’ve learned in this chapter, and then take two days to digest what you’ve learned.

既然已经经历了长久的分歧，那么，即使让分歧的现状再多保持一会，也耽误不了什么事。那么，也就不妨尝试以下的策略：承认分歧的存在，而非回避它，并在此基础上，让这场争端之中的每一个人，都有机会说出自己的内心感受——按照你们从本章之中所学到的沟通准则。接下来，不妨再花两天时间，对所了解的情况（也就是其ta人的感受），好好回味、“消化”一番。

When you return to discuss the disagreement, you will probably be in a much calmer mode. You may have a clearer understanding of what is important to you and an appreciation of what is important to your beloved and why. Thus you may find yourself in a much better state to negotiate a solution that might make everyone happy.

随后，当你们在此针对这项分歧，来进行商讨、争论时，很可能就会更加从容淡定、心平气和。你大概会对自己究竟想要什么，有更为清晰的了解；同时，还会站在对方（毕竟也是你所珍视之人）的角度，对ta所看重的利益诉求，予以充分理解、认可。而且上述的了解和认可，都不是凭空“脑补”，而是你能够道出其中每一条的理由所在。这样一来，你可能就会发觉，你协商讨论和解决问题的状态都变得更好，其ta所有人也乐于听你所言。

Dossie sees this phenomenon all the time in her therapy practice, when she sends clients home from a session in a state of disagreement that seems intolerable. She instructs them to hold this new knowledge for a couple of days and then see how they feel. Often they come back the next week reporting that it became easy to find a solution. So sometimes it will be most fruitful to wait two days before going on to consider solutions you might want to try, as in the “Eight Steps to Win-Win Conflict Resolution”exercise on page 153.

本书作者之一的道茜（从事心理咨询、伴侣咨询工作），在其心理咨询的实践中，多次亲历这样的情况：一些伴侣的分歧之大，仿佛到了互不相容的程度，参加完咨询之后，也根本无法解决其问题。针对这样的伴侣，道茜给出的建议，是让ta们花几天时间，针对在伴侣咨询中，所了解到的新内容 【比如伴侣之前从没对自己说的话，而这次当着咨询师的面，在伴侣咨询中说了出来。——译者注】 ，好好回味一番；接下来，再看看彼此都作何感想。当这对伴侣下周再来找道茜咨询时，往往会告诉道茜说，找到化解冲突的办法，已经变得很容易。所以，在继续寻求解决方案之前的那两天“迟疑期”，经常会带来比其他任何时候都更为丰富的收获——关于这一点，可参阅本书153页的“练习题：面对冲突时，通往共赢方案的八个步骤”。 【153页，是针对原书而言，与本译文无关。上述的练习题，在下一章“取得共识，达成协定”之中。——译者注】

Or after two days, maybe it will have become so easy that you won’t need a special script to come to an agreement. Remember, where emotions are concerned, time is your friend.

过了那两天“迟疑期”，也许原本复杂的事情，已经变得极其简单，你根本无需为接下来该怎样达成共识，而进行专门的“脚本”准备。切记：在一切需将情绪纳入考虑的场合，“慢半拍”的迟疑时间，都是你的益友。

“写信”给ta，也是一种方法

Writing It Out

Sometimes our feelings are so complicated that it seems impossible to deal with them in face-to-face conversation with our beloved. Under such circumstances, you may want to write a thoughtful letter, either snail mail or email, to let your honey know the entirety of your concerns in a measured way that can be absorbed and processed at the recipient’s own pace. This correspondence isn’t a substitute for actual conversation, but it can be a good precursor to it, a way to open up the discussion that may feel a bit safer to start.

有些时候，你的内心感受，复杂到很难和所爱之人面对面说清楚。在这种情况下，你也许想要在深思熟虑之后，给爱侣写一封信，也许是纸质信件，也许是电子邮件；通过这种方式，向爱侣倾诉衷肠，更能让对方按照ta自己的节奏，充分了解你所字斟句酌的方方面面，并做出ta自己的解读和进一步处理。“写信”并不能替代当面沟通，但可以成为现实沟通之前，一个绝佳的“前哨”预示，一个更有安全感的“开启争论”的方式。

It is vital, however, that you send this letter only after you’ve had time to think about it. The downside to correspondence is that it can’t convey all the fine points of communication—facial expression, body language, touch. The upside is, or should be, that a letter can be composed carefully, without undue emotional overload. If you click “Send” or drop the envelope into the mailbox before you’ve had a chance to think about its contents, you’re taking on all the downside without any of the upside.

不过，你在发出“用文字沟通”的内容之前，要确保有足够的时间，以做好深思熟虑，这点非常关键。用文字进行沟通，其不足之处在于，双方都无法觉察到沟通中的很多关键内容，例如面部表情、肢体语言、身体接触等。用文字来进行沟通的优点，是按常理讲，能够极其用心地推敲字句，避免情绪化的不当措辞。然而，如果你在没有对内容进行慎重考虑之前，就把这些文字发送或者邮寄出去，那么，你承担了所有不足，却无缘于任何优点。【基于上述道理，请切记：微信、QQ、微博等社交app，都不适合用来吵架。或者说，一切类型的在线文字沟通，都要尽量避免和你所珍惜之人，各执一词、你来我往地讨论是非对错。因为仓促写下的文字，于传播学意义上的“噪音”，往往会非常大，很容易导致越辩论分歧越多、矛盾越尖锐；而且双方都难免在此争论中“情绪上头”，于是，写下来发出去的话语更加“想当然”，草率甚至粗暴，从而形成“噪音”和冲突互为因果、彼此强化的正反馈闭环，伤感情之甚，亦可想而知。如果万不得已，一定要用微信之类，“钉是钉铆是铆”地和谁掰扯什么，或者澄清什么，那么，译者强烈建议：双方都打开摄像头，看着对方的面部表情，通过语音进行交流，就像线上会议那样。——译者注】

Try writing a letter you’re not going to send, expressing all your feelings and concerns. Janet keeps letters like this in the“Drafts” folder of her email program; Dossie writes them in her word processor(which doesn’t have a Send button) and pastes them into an email later. Write out all your feelings, and then close the file and go do something else. Come back and add stuff, or edit things out, for a couple of days, and then check what you’ve written, making sure you’re owning your own stuff and using I-messages. We usually delete sentences that begin with the words “You shithead.”Later, when you can read the message and imagine your friend truly understanding whatever you are disturbed about, it’s time to send it.

你不妨尝试着写一封“并不打算发出去的信”，在这封信中，写下你的内心感受和所思所虑。本书作者之一的珍妮特，在她电子邮箱的“草稿箱”里，就有很多这样的信。本书的另一位作者道茜，往往会用没有“发送”功能的文字处理器来写这样的信，写完之后粘贴到电子邮件的界面，谁也不发，存为草稿。在这样的“信件”中，写下你的一切感受；然后关闭文档，转而去做其他事情。在随后的几天里，不妨多次回顾下那篇文稿，进行补充、修订，并且对你所写下的字句进行核查——看看有没有完全遵循前文所说的“以‘我’为主语，来进行表述”，换言之，就是自己对自己的情绪负起责任，决不归咎于别人。在上述的过程中，笔者也经常会把“你真浑蛋”之类的文句，从头到尾统统删掉。再过些时候，当你阅读你所写下的内容，并且可以想象到你的朋友读后，也能理解你的内心纠结，至此，你就可以把这封信，发送给你的伴侣了。

We hope we do not have to remind you that your blog, or your MySpace page, or your private email list of a few dozen very intimate friends is not the place to rehearse this private correspondence. Struggle with it yourself—or, if that seems impossible, perhaps you can run it past one trusted friend, someone who would be acceptable to your lover too, to make sure you’re saying what you’re trying to say.

笔者希望，不必特别提醒你：你的在线日志、个人网页，或者涉及很多私密内容的邮件组，都不应作为上述信件的“演练场所”。建议你独自“磨炼”相关技能。或者，还有一个可遇不可求的方式：也许你可以和某个密友——你和你的情侣，都应充分了解并信赖此人——通过书信倾诉衷肠，借此练习用文字准确表达心意的能力。

Dossie wrote such a letter recently to a lover of hers. She wrote the first draft at a time when she was terribly upset, on a Friday. She was busy over the weekend but managed to revisit her letter from time to time. By Monday, the issues were still there but, after some processing, seemed more manageable, so she called her friend on the phone and they talked…and resolved the issues quite easily and peacefully. The letter never got sent.

本书作者之一的道茜，前不久刚写了封这样的信，打算给她的一位情侣。道茜在一个周五写下初稿，当时她的情绪极其糟糕。那个周末，道茜忙里偷闲，一遍遍重温那封草稿信件。到了周一，信中所说的问题，依然没有解决，但在经过一番处理之后，已经变得相对可控。此时，道茜给她的朋友打电话，谈论这些问题，结果，问题简简单单、心平气和地解决了。而那封信，也没有真正发出去。

你的一切，你自己负责

Owning What’s Yours

When you are willing to own your distress, it becomes possible for your lover to comfort you, to offer you reassurance and love, when things are hard. Even when you don’t agree about how you are going to handle an issue, you can still exchange love and comfort. We recommend that everyone be open about asking for reassurance, love, hugs, comfort, and stuff like that. Many of us grew up in families where we were taught not to ask for what we needed and were scorned, perhaps, as only wanting attention.

当你下定决心，对自己的负面情绪主动负起责任，这就意味着，你的所爱之人，至此终于有了安慰你的能力，有了在你处境艰难之时，向你表达关爱、陪你报团取暖的可能。即使你们对如何解决问题，依然意见不一，也能彼此共享爱情和抚慰。笔者建议每一个人，都要勇于主动请求所爱之人的首肯、爱意、拥抱、安抚，和与之类似的种种。我们当中的很多人，所成长的家庭，都曾“教愚”、“教毁”我们：“不要主动请求自己所需要的东西，这纯属自轻自贱、自取其辱，或者，无非是为了“刷存在感”，企图引人关注。”

So what’s wrong with wanting attention? Isn’t there plenty? Remember about starvation economies: Don’t shortchange yourself. You do not have to be content with little dribs and drabs of comfort, attention, support, reassurance, and love. You get to have all the comfort and reassurance you want. You and your intimates can set yourselves up to share lots and lots and lots and in the process learn how much more you have to share than you ever thought. So focus on abundance, and create a relationship ecology rich in the good things of life: warmth and affection and sex and love.

然而，即使想要引人关注，又有什么不可？难道你会抢走别人的应得份额吗？想一想前面章节驳斥过的“饥荒经济法则”：不要有意无意地自我克扣什么。无论是温存、关心、支持、肯定，还是爱情，你都不必自甘满足于细水长流的星星点点，完全可以去争取得到更多，完全能够多到如你所愿。在你和你的众多性爱伴侣们，一起学习“如何分享”的过程中，无异于共同踏上了长乐未央的丰盈之旅，殊胜得超乎想象。因此，尽管聚焦于丰富多彩的生活，为之倾情付出，从而开拓、缔造出一片充满人生之善美——包括温柔、体贴、幸福和爱情——的亲密关系生态环境。

第14章 拥抱冲突