第15章取得共识，达成协定

CHAPTER FIFTEEN Making Agreements

MOST SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS, from casual acquaintanceship through lifetime monogamy, are based on assumptions that are really unstated agreements about behavior: you don’t kiss your mailman, you don’t tip your mother. These are the unspoken rules we learn very early in our lives, from our parents, our playmates, and our cultures. People who break these unspoken rules are often considered odd, sometimes even crazy, because the values and judgments behind the social agreements about how we relate to one another are so deeply ingrained that we are usually not even aware that we have made any agreement at all.

那些运行最为良好的人际关系，从寻常的熟人，到一生的专爱，都以“不言自明的共识协定”，作为基础。例如，你不会亲吻送信上门的邮差，也不会给你老妈付小费。我们自幼就已经从父母和玩伴那里，以及社会文化中，明确习得了那些大家心照不宣的规则。如果有谁违反了此类规则，就会被视为反常甚至疯癫。因为关于“人际之间应该如何交流”的社会共识、公共协定，已经形成了根深蒂固的价值理念和评判准则，所以，我们往往对自己所参与建构的每一项共识协定，都身在其间却又浑然不觉。

In many day-to-day relationships, like your relationships with neighbors and coworkers, it’s probably fine to rely on those implicit, built-in agreements. But when you’re trying something as complicated and unprecedented as ethical sluthood, we think it’s very important to take nothing for granted. Talk with the people in your life about your agreements, and negotiate the conditions, environments, and behaviors that will get your own needs met and respect everybody’s boundaries.

很多日常不变的人际关系，比如邻里之间、同事之间，一般而言，你尽可依靠那些习惯成自然的默契准则。然而，当我们营造一个问心无愧、性福有理的荡妇生涯，或者尝试与之类似的、既不那么简单又缺乏先例可循的事情，笔者认为此时，切莫将任何状况，视为“人同此心”、“理所当然”。你需要和自己所接触的人，就共同的准则，进行交谈、讨论。从种种约束条件，到环境氛围、行为规范，都需要经过协商，才能既满足你的欲求，又能尊重其ta每一个人的边界。

You’ll often hear people talking about the rules of their relationships. But “rules”implies a certain rigidity, that there is a right way and a wrong way to run your relationship and that there will be penalties if you do it wrong. We understand that there are many different ways that people may choose to relate to each other, so we prefer to use the word“agreements” to describe mutually agreed-upon, conscious decisions, designed to be flexible enough to accommodate individuality, growth, and change. These agreements are sometimes a little fuzzy, particularly if you’re used to the hard edges of rules. A little fuzziness is okay; your agreement will either get clarified later if it needs to be—or it won’t, in which case it’s probably clear enough.

你往往会听到别人说，在这份亲密关系中有哪些“守则”、“规矩”。但“规矩”云云，意味着相当程度的刚性，当你身在其中，是非对错分明，做了错事就会受到相应的惩罚。我们都晓得，还有另外一些与之不同的人际交往方式。为此，笔者更愿意采用“共识”或曰“协定”，来描述那些相互赞同、慎重商定的抉择——它具有充分的弹性，对个性差异、身心成长和各种变化，都能包容、适应。此类共识、协定，在你试图将其用作黑白分明的硬性规则时，往往就会显得有些含混、模糊。这并不要紧。你们之间的共识，可能会由于将来的某些事件，而变得足够明确，也可能永远都无需进一步厘清什么。

How do you know when you need an agreement? You can tell by listening to your emotions. If something comes up that leaves you feeling upset or angry or unheard or whatever, that’s an area in which you and your sweetie may need to discuss making an agreement. We suggest that you let go right now of the idea that you can predict every single situation that might come up in your relationship and make a rule to cover it—just forget it. Many perfectly good agreements get made by twenty-twenty hindsight: a problem comes up, and instead of arguing over whose fault it was, the people simply make an agreement to try to prevent that problem from coming up again or to deal with it when it does.

那么，在什么时候需要共识协定？对这个问题，你可以通过倾听自己的内心情绪，来进行觉察判断。如果某些事件的发生，令你气恼、烦乱，感到自己被冷落被忽视，或者产生其他类似的负面情绪——在此时此地，你和你的爱侣，就需要为达成共识而进行探讨。如果你认为，你能够对亲密关系中的一切情形都有先见之明，并且预先确定规则，以杜绝事故发生，那么，笔者劝你尽早打消这个幻想，忘掉这个迷之自信。须知，很多堪称完美的共识，都来自“事后诸葛亮”的亡羊补牢：当一个问题不期而至，将针对“谁有错”的争吵，代之以共同达成“如何避免类似问题”或者“若再次发生，该如何应对”的一致协定。

Our friends Laurie and Chris have become extraordinarily flexible agreement makers through practicing a lot:

本书两位作者共同的朋友，劳里和克瑞斯，通过大量的实践，如今都很擅长一起达成极为灵活、足以应对各种情况的共识协定。以下是ta俩的话语：

We met at the Renaissance Faire and made a pretty deep connection right away. Although we didn’t feel ready to jump into marriage right off, we did get handfasted [an ancient Celtic rite of romantic commitment] about five months after we met. Our handfasting included an agreement that if we still wanted to be together a year and a day later, we’d get married. And we did.

就在前不久，我们俩在“文艺复兴集市”见面，进行了一番颇为深入的交谈。遥望昔年，就在我俩相识的五个月后，尽管双方都没做好结婚的心理准备，却按照古代凯尔特人的浪漫承诺仪式，伸出手来“拉钩上吊，一百年不许变”，作出这样一个协定：一年之后，若不分手，便须结婚。随后，我俩据此照办，喜结良缘。

When we first decided to get handfasted, Chris proposed an agreement in which we’d be free to be sexual with other people during Faire, but at no other time. Laurie felt shocked by his desire to do this, and insecure about what might happen. So we decided to postpone a decision until the next summer’s Faire, after we’d gotten married.

当我俩刚刚准备“拉钩上吊”、相互承诺时，克瑞斯忽然提议，希望彼此达成这样一个共识：我俩都可以和其ta人发生性关系，但只限于“文艺复兴集市”的举办期间 【美国多个城市，都有每年例行的“文艺复兴集市”，举办时间各不相同。——译者注】 ，除此之外的其他时段，则必须相互专一。劳里对克瑞斯的如此欲望感到震惊，也对日后的事态发展，心怀不安。当时我俩决定，将上述提议暂时搁置，等到来年夏天的“文艺复兴集市”期间再说——到那时，我俩婚礼已毕。

During the first year of our marriage, the agreement was for Faire only, and then after that we extended it to the weekend preparatory workshops as well as to Faire itself. At one of these, Laurie met a guy with whom she got fairly seriously involved—it was our first ongoing relationship outside the marriage. At that point, things opened up all the way to where Laurie was spending a lot of her time with her other lover, and Chris didn’t like it much; he felt that he wasn’t getting enough time with Laurie.

在婚后的第一年里，我俩按照含混不清的共识，仅在“文艺复兴集市”期间和别人约炮；一年之后，则把相互许可“出轨”的时段，扩大到每周末的“预备工作坊”之时，当然，“文艺复兴集市”期间，在外约炮的权限，也依然照常。有一次，劳里遇到一个令自己格外动感情的男生——这是我俩第一次面对婚姻之外的长期亲密关系。在那个节骨眼，我俩索性将所有矛盾都摆在明面：劳里把很多时间，都花在那个婚外恋人身上；克瑞斯对此颇为不满，觉得自己没有得到劳里足够多的陪伴。

So we renegotiated. We decided that either of us could sleep over with another partner twice a month. We felt that twice a month was often enough for fun, but not so often as to encourage a threateningly strong bond with someone else. That’s been working pretty well for a while, although we’ve compromised on a case-by-case basis a time or two.

为此，我们再次进行协商。我俩决定，无论是谁，和任何一个婚姻之外的其ta人过夜，都最多只限于每月两次。当时我俩觉得，每月两次，足以尽欢，并可避免和其ta人之间，形成危及婚姻的强力联结。随后一段时间，我们都能照办，尽管也包含了对偶尔一两次的特殊情况，予以具体问题具体分析的妥协。

We’re still working out the bugs—among other things, we’re hoping to become parents pretty soon, and we’re not sure how a baby will affect our relationship. But our agreements have always been at least tolerable, and at times they’ve offered a relief valve that’s kept us from fleeing the relationship in terror!

如今，我俩依然在不完美的共识协定中，不断应对各种问题——诸多问题之一，是我们都希望在不久的将来，一起抚养孩子，但我们都不确定，孩子会对我们的亲密关系，产生怎样的影响。然而，我俩之间的共识协定，无论有多少不足，起码都在可容忍的底线内。共识协定的存在，经常能为我们提供“避免让亲密关系陷入恐慌”的安全阀。

Chris and Laurie have had two children in the eleven years since this interview and are still together and still happily slutty.

如今，克瑞斯和劳里已经有了两个孩子；笔者和他俩的上述访谈，已经过了十一年。这两口子依然共同生活，享受着婊气十足的快乐。

对“同意”的表达

Consent

So what constitutes a good agreement? In our opinion, the single most important hallmark of agreement is consent, which we define as “an active collaboration for the pleasure and well-being of all concerned.” In the case of polyamory, this consent often includes that of people not directly involved—other partners, children, and other people whose lives are affected by our agreements.

那么，建立美好的共识协定，靠的是什么呢？笔者认为，共识协定最重要的一个特征，莫过于对“同意”的表达——笔者将其定义为“一场主动进行的通力协作，以求在一切所虑都能被充分兼顾的前提下，得到快乐和幸福”。在多边关系的情形下，对“同意”的表达，往往会关系到“直接参与者”之外的其ta人，例如其ta性伴侣，或者孩子，以及我们的共识协定之中，所可能涉及的其ta人。

Defining consent can sometimes be tricky. If someone consents under pressure, we don’t think that meets the “active collaboration” criterion. And you can’t consent to something you don’t know about:“Well, you didn’t say I couldn’t fly to Boise for two weeks with this flight attendant I just met” does not constitute consent.

给“同意”下定义，有时很难周全。如果有人迫于压力而表示“同意”，那么，我们无法认为这种情况，符合“主动进行通力协作”的标准。此外，我们也无法对自己并不了解的东西，作出“同意”与否的判断。比如，“好啊，反正你没说，我不能跟在这个航班上刚认识的空乘人员，一起坐飞机到博伊西市，玩上半个月”，这显然不能算作对方的“同意”。

In order to achieve this kind of active consent, it is critical that everyone involved accept responsibility for knowing their own feelings and communicating them—but this isn’t always easy. Sometimes feelings don’t want to be pulled to the surface and examined—you may simply know that you feel bad. Give yourself the time and support you need to get to know that feeling, perhaps using some of the strategies we discuss in chapter 13, “Roadmaps through Jealousy.” If you feel that you need help in defining what’s going on for you, it’s okay to ask for that help, possibly by asking a partner or a more neutral friend who understands multiple relationships to devote some time to hearing you out. Physical or verbal reassurance often makes a huge difference, and sometimes a wise friend or therapist can ask the right questions to help you untangle a complicated feeling. Once you start listening to your own feelings, you’ll have a much easier time getting your needs and desires out there where everybody can hear them and make agreements to help meet them.

对“同意”的表达，要做到真正符合“主动进行”的原则（而非被动的“默认”，或者“不得不同意”），其中的关键，是每一个参与者，都要承担起“明确自己的感受，并将其表达出来”的责任。然而这一点，有时并不那么简单。有时候，你明显情绪很糟，却并不想把自己的感受，从心里“揪出来”、“摊开在表面”，也不想对其进行审视。要想搞明白自己的此类感受，你需要给自己一些时间，并在必要情况下寻求帮助；或许，本书第13章（《“醋缸迷魂阵”，有地图导航》）讲到的一些策略，能够派上用场。当你照此去做，而事态的进展依然令你感到困惑，不晓得这对你而言究竟意味着什么，那么，你完全可以向人求助，请求ta腾出一些时间，倾听你的辛酸苦辣。求助对象可以是你的某个亲密伴侣，也可以是局外中立、同时对多边关系有所了解的朋友。通过身体动作或者口头语言，都能够表达对你的首肯、安慰，但二者的效果，往往大不相同。有些情况下，某个聪慧干练的朋友或者心理咨询师，会通过一些恰当的问题，来帮你解开复杂的内心纠结。当你开始倾听自己的内心感受，那么，当你处在每个人都能够对你专心倾听，并且愿意尽力满足你的希求、帮助你们达成共识协定的场合，你就能在更为放松的状态下，将自己的所需和所欲，表述出来。

Most of us need some support in asking for what we want. When we are involved in making agreements, we need to feel sure that the needs we reveal will not be held against us. Most of us feel pretty vulnerable in and around our emotional limits, so it’s important to recognize that these limits are valid: “I need to feel loved,”“I need to feel that I’m important to you,” “I need to know that you find me attractive,”“I need you to listen and care about me when I feel hurt.”

我们之中的多数，在对自己想要的东西提出请求时，或多或少都需要一些外部支持因素。如果我们需要和其他人一起达成协定，就需要有这样一种确定感：将自己的需求透露出来，不能为此“搬了石头砸自己脚”，造成对自己不利的后果。一旦我们内心的敏感红线，被擦边贴近或者深入刺穿，我们的情感往往就会变得脆弱不堪。为此，其中的关键点，在于承认“内心红线”是一种正常需求，理当得到肯定，毋庸对人讳言。上述的“内心红线”，诸如，“我需要拥有被爱的感觉”、“我需要感受到：我对你很重要”、“你发觉我有魅力，这要让我知道”、“当我伤心时，我需要你的倾听和关爱”。

Blaming, manipulation, bullying, and moral condemnation do not belong in the agreement-making process. The process of making a good agreement must include a commitment from all concerned to listen to one another’s concerns and feelings in an open-minded and unprejudiced way. If you are waiting for your partner to reveal a weakness so that you can exploit it into ammunition to“win”your argument, you are not ready to make a satisfactory agreement.

人身指责、情感操控、恃强胁迫，以及操起“道德”大棒进行责难，都不应出现在努力达成共识的过程中。要想达成良好的共识、有效的协定，其过程必须包含这样一个共同的承诺：人人都以开放的心态，和“摘掉一切有色眼镜”的去偏见、无歧视、非评判的言行方式，相互倾听对方的意愿、顾虑和感受。如果你巴不得你的伴侣，暴露出某个“软肋”，作为你手中的“把柄”、“小辫子”，以便迫使对方“服从”你的主张——那么，协商一致、皆大欢喜的目标，从此与你南辕北辙。

Legalistic hairsplitting is another enemy of good agreements. We know one couple whose agreement was that either of them would let the other one know within twenty-four hours if they were going to have sex with someone else. One of them called the other one from another city to let her know that he’d had sex with someone else the night before. “But you said you’d give me twenty-four hours’ notice!” she cried angrily. “I never said twenty-four hours before,” he pointed out. This loophole-finding legalistic behavior left neither individual feeling that their agreement had worked for them. The moral: be clear, be specific, and above all negotiate in good faith; this is not about cheating any more.

繁文缛节、咬文嚼字、吹毛求疵之类，是达成良好协定的另一个敌人、另一头“拦路虎”。笔者知道有这样一对伴侣：如果要和外人发生性关系，相关的协定条款，谁和谁都难以在二十四小时之内讲明白。男方给身在其他城市的女方打电话，告诉她说，自己刚已和其他人约炮过夜。女方愤怒地哭诉：“按你之前所说，你应该在和别人约炮的24小时之前，先通知我！”但男方则“纠正”道：“我是说‘在24小时内通知你’，并没说在‘约炮之前’！”——这种类似“钻法律条款漏洞”的行为，只会让双方都觉得所谓协定形同虚设。总之，共识协定的道德规范，是清晰明确、针对具体问题，以及，比什么都重要的一点——坦诚无欺地相互商量。须知，协定的内容，绝不应当包含哄骗成分。

Agreements need to be realistic and clearly defned—if you’re not sure whether you’re keeping an agreement, it may be time to redefine that agreement. It is unrealistic, for example, to ask your partners never to enter into sexual interactions with people that they care about “too much.” There is no way to define “too much,” and few of us conceive of our polyamorous utopia as a world in which you are only allowed to share sex with people you don’t care about at all. None of us can truthfully agree to feel only this way or that way: our agreements need to have room in them for real emotions, whatever they may be. A more concrete agreement would be to limit outside dates to once a month, which might serve the same purpose.

共识协定，应当针对你们之间的现实问题，具有切实可行性，并且要有清晰明确的界定。如果你（在想做某件事时）搞不清这样做是否有违约定，那么此刻，你们大概就需要对协议之中的相关内容，进行重新确定。关于“切实可行性”的缺失，例如，要求伴侣别和“太能打动自己”的外人，发生与性爱有关的交往；而你根本无法对是否“太能打动自己”来进行定义。何况，谁都无法设想出这样一个多边关系的乌托邦：身在其中的你，只能和你根本不在乎、根本看不上的人，进行性爱共享。再说，任何人都无法就自己“感觉这样”或者“感觉那样”，作出真心不变的承诺。我们的共识协定，需要让真实情感（无论是怎样的情感），有充分的立足之地。 【而不要让某些真实情感变得难以启齿、无从立足，这样做，即使达成所谓共识，也不过是权宜之计的虚伪承诺——译者注】 相比之下，一个更具可操作性的协定，不妨这样表述：“和外人约炮，每月限一次。”它和“不能和太过打动你的人约炮”，也许所希求的，是同样的目标。

Agreements do not have to be equal. People are different and unique, and what pushes my buttons might be perfectly okay with you. So one person might find it very important that his partner not stay out overnight, whereas said partner might actually enjoy an occasional opportunity to watch the late movie all alone and eat crackers in bed. One friend of ours says,

共识协定，未必要对其中的每个人，都无差别对待。人人有别，秉性各异，某件事也许会触及我的底线，但对你而言却可能根本无所谓。所以，某个人可能在其伴侣外出过夜时抓耳挠腮、如临大敌；而此人的伴侣，在同样遇到这种情况时，也许很享受深夜独自卧床看电影吃零食的难得机会。笔者的一位朋友这样说：

Bill and I have very different needs when it comes to relationships. I feel no need to be monogamous; I’m quite comfortable having sex with people I like, but they’re not affairs of the heart—whereas his sexual connections are either very casual, like at parties, or very deep and long-term. We’ve formed agreements that meet both of our needs—mine for friendly partners and fuck buddies, his for long-term secondary relationships.

比尔和我，对亲密关系，有很多不一样的需求。我觉得我对一对一的专属，根本没有执念。我可以毫无压力、云淡风轻地和我喜欢的人发生性关系，不过，这未必是令我心动的爱恋。反观他（比尔）的约炮对象，要么纯属偶然邂逅，就像人走茶凉的聚会；要么用情很深、维系时间很久。我和比尔所达成的共识，是针对我俩不同的需求，进行不同的协定——比尔对我的不放心之处，是我众多的狎友和床伴；我对比尔的在意之处，是他如何（在照顾好我这个首要伴侣、照顾好我俩共同的家庭等前提下）妥善经营和“小三”的长期亲密关系。

Fairness does not mean perfectly equal. Fairness means we care about how each person feels and make agreements to help all of us feel as good as possible.

公平合理，并非意味着处处平等无差别；其真正的意思是：我们在意每个人的感受，一起达成共识的目的，是为了尽可能让我们当中的所有人，都能感觉更好。

When thinking about agreements for an open relationship, most people start out by listing what their partner should not do: don’t kiss her on the mouth, don’t treat him better than you do me. Some “thou shalt nots” are necessary: agreements need to be made, for example, about sexual connections with relatives, neighbors, and coworkers. But many negative agreements are really about protecting your partner from feeling hurt or jealous, and we’re not big fans of these, although we recognize that they sometimes have their place as an intermediate step. We think that the best agreements to protect your partner from emotional pain are positive: let’s have a special date next weekend, I will find time to listen to you when you hurt, I’ll tell you how much I love you again and again.

针对开放关系的协定，大多数人都往往会首先想到，要对自己的伴侣列一张“禁止清单”，比如“不能和她亲嘴”、“你给任何‘第三者’的待遇，都不能超过我”。诚然，一些“你不该这样做”的条款，是有必要的，尤其是当你和亲属、邻里或同事，产生性爱关联时，更需要界限分明的共同协定。然而，很多以否定句来表述的共识条款，其实是伴侣之间的“心防”和“醋缸”。尽管笔者晓得，这种方式有时可以作为权宜之计，但对此绝不赞赏。在笔者看来，真正能够照顾好伴侣情绪的协定，一定要采用积极、肯定的表述，例如：“我们下周末来一场特别的约会——如果有什么让你感到不开心的，我会找个时间听你倾诉，并且我会告诉你，我是多么多么的爱你，永永远远爱你。”

Everyone needs a sense of emotional safety to succeed at feeling secure in open relationships, but thinking up agreements that will help both partners feel emotionally safe can be confusing. In the process of unlearning jealousy we will all at some time be asking our partners to take some risk, to agree to feel some painful feelings, to fall down a few times in order to learn how to ride the emotional bicycle of truly free love.

一个人只有保持自己内心的安全感，才可能在开放关系中，无所疑虑、胸怀泰然。然而，如果期待有了一系列的协定，就足以保证彼此的内心都能从此安然无忧，这种（根本不切实际的）期许，反而会让你陷入困惑。我们已在“倒转醋缸，解构醋意”的前文中谈到，在一些时候，你难免要请求伴侣冒些风险，包括允许痛苦感受的出现，允许自己经历一些失败。唯有如此，才能在自由的性爱中，让自己的情绪“单车”安稳前行。

【练习题】面对冲突时，通往共赢方案的八个步骤

EXERCISE Eight Steps to Win-Win Conflict Resolution

Take time out to ventilate anger.
Select one issue to work on.
Make an appointment to talk.
Each person takes three minutes to state how they feel while their partner listens. Hint: Use l-statements, avoid you-messages, and consider allowing time between each person’s statement. Try as hard as you can to describe your emotions about the issue.
Brainstorm. Write a list of all possible solutions, even silly ones.
Edit the list. Cross out any suggestions that either person feels they could not live with.
Choose a solution to try for a specific period of time—perhaps two to four weeks.
Re-evaluate when that time is up.

第一步暂停争论，先把怒火发泄出去。
第二步找个单一的争论点，作为进展的切入点。
第三步约个时间，进行详谈。
第四步每个参与者，用三分钟时间，来陈述自己的感受；其ta人也就是此人的伴侣，要用心倾听。莫忘以下要点：以“我”为主语来进行陈述；避免“你如何如何”的话语；三分钟的时限，也可酌情放宽；尽你最大的努力，来表述出这个争论点为你带来的情绪感受。
第五步头脑风暴。将一切可能的解决方案（哪怕是馊主意），列出清单写下来。
第六步编辑整理上述清单。如果某个方案，你们当中的某个人“死也无法接受”，那就将此方案剔除。
第七步选个（大家相对而言尚可接受的）方案，试行一段时间，也许是2-4周。
第八步等到试行期间结束，对此方案重新评估。

One way you can make agreements to respect emotional limits is to ask for whatever might make you feel a little bit safer—reassurance, compliments, affection, a special ritual for homecoming after a date—and then when that works and you feel a little safer, take another step toward even more safety, and soon you will feel safe enough to expand your explorations further and further. Each tiny step in the direction of freedom will eventually get you there. One of the things that works about reassurance is that once we understand that our partner, or partners, or maybe even also their partners, are willing to help us with our feelings, we feel more secure and need less and less protection as we go along.

绝不要忽视、否定自己的情感界限，要对其予以尊重、认可。在此前提下，可采用以下方法来达成协议：一切能够为你内心增加些安全感的事物，都可以作为“要求对方补偿你”的诉求条件，例如要求得到（伴侣的）肯定、称赞、关爱，或者，在外出约会后，来个特别的归家仪式……如果其中的某种方式，能够让你的心情有所平复，那么接下来，可以在此基础上再进一步，让自己更加安心、舒畅。这样一来，你心中的安全感就会不断增加，直到令你心满意足，让你有勇气不断往前试探，走得更远。

The single most important thing to remember about agreement making is that the purpose of an agreement is to find a way in which everybody can win.

至关重要的一点，是切记，达成共识协定的意图，是探求一条人人共赢的道路。

一些共识协定的范例

Some Agreements

We’ve done some asking around among our friends and colleagues to find out what kinds of relationship agreements have worked for others. Here is a partial list of agreements we’ve heard from some very successful sluts.

笔者通过对很多好友和同事的询问，如今已经确知，在亲密关系中，什么样的共识协定，能够对其ta人也非常适用。笔者知道一些铁杆婊子的牛逼经验，下面列举的，是其中的一些范例。

Notice as you read it how many different kinds of agreements it contains—some are sexual, some are relationship-oriented; some thou shalts and some thou shalt nots; some logistical and some sentimental. Just so you know that we’re not recommending any of these, you should also note that some are mutually exclusive. We’re presenting this list as a discussion opener, not as how it ought to be. Everybody has to make some agreements about sexual health and safer sex.

请留意，你接下来所读到的那些共识协定，五花八门、各不相同，有些针对和“性”有关的事情，有些则针对亲密关系；有些是“你应当怎样”和“你不能怎样”的表述；有些非常理性、注重逻辑，还有一些则采用充满感性的表达方式。笔者希望你晓得，下文所列举的任何一条协定，都并非向你推荐、劝你模仿，何况，这些协定之中，有些是相互排斥的。笔者列举这些公式协定，只是为了抛砖引玉，并非劝你“该怎么做”。除此之外，每个人都有必要为了性爱的健康和安全，和性伴侣之间，达成一些共识协议。

We always use condoms and barriers for all possible fluid exchanges.

针对一切可能涉及体液交换的情况，我们永远保持“非套莫入”，做好隔绝屏障。

We always spend the night together except when one of us is traveling.

除非有谁旅行在外，否则，我们每天都要一起过夜。

I’ll watch everyone’s kids this weekend, you do it next weekend.

（多边关系大家庭中）所有人的孩子，本周我照看，下周换你来。

·Neither of us will [specific sexual act] with other partners.

我们谁都不会和其ta性伴侣，采用“这种方式”的性爱。 【“这种方式”是啥，原文没有明确。但读者可以随意往里面“填空”，例如：不和老婆之外的其ta人无套做爱；不和张三之外的人，在A宾馆开房；不和李四之外的人，做爱时拍视频；不和婚外恋人，在岳父母的车里玩车震；在未经明言许可的前提下，不将任何一位情侣的私人信息，吐露给任何其ta情侣，等等。——译者注】

Either of us can veto the other’s potential other partners.

我俩之中的任何人，都可以拒绝接纳可能和对方成为情侣之人。

We always provide advance notice of potential other partners.

对有可能新加入的性伴侣，我们总是会对ta“打预防针”，丑话说在前头。

Don’t tell me about other partners.

别对我谈论你的其ta性伴侣。

Tell me everything you did with other partners.

你和你的其ta性伴侣，所发生的一切，都要告诉我。

Other partners must be same-sex/opposite-sex.

（你的）其ta伴侣，必须和你性别相同（或者相异）。

We always meet each other’s partners—no strangers.

我们总会和彼此的其ta性伴侣见面——换言之，我们的性爱圈子里，没有陌生人。

Outside sex will only be: group sex / party sex / anonymous sex / committed sex …

和外人的性爱，只限于群体性爱（或者，聚会中的性爱、和过去没啥瓜葛的人偶然打炮、有明确规则承诺的性爱……等等）。

We must check in with each other to confirm safety after a get-together with a new partner.

我们无论是谁，在和一个新结识的性伴侣亲密接触之后，都要和对方说一声，以确认安全无虞，不会对彼此既定的亲密关系产生威胁。

Everybody chips in for the babysitter.

孩子虽然在短期内，由特定之人照顾，但每个和你有一腿的人，都有协助此人一起照顾孩子的责任。

We see others on Friday nights only.

我们只有在周五的夜晚，才和别人约会。

Saturday nights are for us.

无路我们各自有多少情人，每周日晚上，我们都要同床共枕。

Be sure to save some hot sexual energy for me.

无论你和其ta人怎么搞，都一定要留一些专属于我的激情能量。

Sex with other partners is off limits in our bed/house.

在我们的床铺上（或者家里），不许和其ta人做爱。

We set limits on phone calls, Internet time, etc., with other partners.

针对和其ta伴侣的电话、网络沟通之类，我们设定了专门的界限。

【例如，阿T经常和隔壁老王、外省老李等性伴侣，一起打网游。针对于此，其老伴儿阿P，在和阿T达成共识的前提下，设定了一些边界条件，如“不能为此影响睡眠”、“每月购买装备和皮肤的开销，不能高于1000元”或者“即使在和老王老李等人一起参加电竞比赛期间，也不能冷落我，每天至少要和我通电话25分钟以上”。再如，张三李四王五，是“三人行”的长期伴侣；张三特别爱和其ta情人用手机聊天，另外两人则希望在一起亲热时，每个人都要用心参与：那么，就可以针对此时的“手机聊天”，进行协商、限制，如“前戏和后戏时，谁也不要拿着手机”、“不能为了刷手机，而将后戏缩减到五分钟以内”，或者特别针对张三：“在我俩之中有人爱抚你时，你也应该放下手机、腾出双手，身心专注地回应我们。”——译者注】

We establish quality time with each other.

我们专门为彼此留出时间，来进行高质量的陪伴，共创共度美好时光。

We establish agreements about who can talk about what to whom.

针对“谁可以对某个人，谈论些什么”，我们建立了共识协定。 【例如，两口子的共同存款，账号密码之类，通常谁也不能告知除了老伴儿之外的其ta伴侣。再如，两口子之间，有些“出了门就不认账”的私房话，也许可以告诉某个双方都特别信任的性伴侣，但对另一些性伴侣，则必须保密。——译者注】

Don’t take off the ring I gave you.

对我打给你的电话，不能拒接、挂断。

Little gifts and cards help me feel less abandoned.

给我送点小礼物或者贺卡，以免让我过于担心自己会被你抛弃。

Who is too close to have sex with? Neighbors? Schoolmates? Coworkers? Close friends? Former lovers? Your doctor? Your lawyer? Your partner’s therapist? Your sibling? …

要让我知道：究竟是谁，和你的性爱关系，格外亲密、铁得出奇？是某些邻居吗？还是你的同学、同事、密友或者前任？或者，是你的医生、律师？是你某个伴侣的心理咨询师？是和你一奶同袍的兄弟、姐妹？……

We’ll spend an hour cuddling and reconnecting afterward.

我们“完事儿”之后，还要再花一小时，相互拥抱缠绵。

让彼此的一切，都具有可预测性

Predictability

Our experience is that we need some kind of predictability to deal with the stresses of open relationships. Most people can handle a nervous-making situation much better if they know when it is going to happen and when it is going to be over. You can plan to do something supportive with a friend, go to a movie, visit Mom, whatever—and tell yourself that you only have to handle things for this chunk of time, and then your sweetie will come back and maybe you can plan a celebratory reunion.

针对开放关系中，种种因素所带来的内压、内阻和内耗，一个能够妥善化解的经验之谈，是你和每个人的相互之间，都应当具有某种程度的“可预见性”。如果能够明确接下来的事态进展，明确问题将在何时结束，无论是怎样令人炸毛跳脚的麻烦，大多数人都能将其妥善把控于方寸之间。你可以预先求助于朋友，或者去电影院、看望母亲；各种可行的方式，都能用来自我舒缓，让你确信“没有过不去的火焰山”。当你的爱侣外出尽兴之后，再次回到你身边，也许你会欣然准备一场欢庆的盛宴。

Most people have a hard time dealing with surprises, which can feel like land mines exploding. Very few of us would be comfortable living with the possibility that our partner might go home with someone else at any time, from any party we go to, from the restaurant where we thought we were just going for a cup of coffee—no place, no time would be secure. One partner of our acquaintance was working across the country from his spouse during a time when he was first struggling to deal with his jealousy. He made an agreement to know when his partner was playing with someone else because, as he put it, “If I know when she is out with someone else, I also know when she isn’t, and then I can relax most of the time.”

很多人都会对出乎预料的事情难以应对，那种感觉就像在探扫地雷。如果老伴儿随时可能把别人带到家里——今天从某场派对中带一个来，不定哪天又从饭馆、咖啡馆再带回个新欢，没有任何时间和地点能够让你确定“下一刻会发生什么，或者不发生什么”——这样的日子，即使我辈铁杆婊子，也极少有人会感到舒适。我们有个熟人，其伴侣当初曾为化解醋火攻心之苦，而终日在全国各地奔忙于工作。后来，他们两口子达成协议，确保当一方和别人寻欢作乐时，另一方能够得到告知。对个中原由，他如此写道：“当我知道她在什么时候外出作乐，我也就知道了她在什么时候，能够在家陪我。这样一来，我在绝大多数时候，都心里有谱，放松自如。”

If you feel that planning takes too much of the spontaneity out of your life, then think about declaring one night or one weekend a month to be open season—then you can make a decision whether to join your partner in cruising or sit this one out in a quieter milieu. An agreement to be unpredictable at some specified time is, after all, predictable.

也许你会认为，总是如此规划、盘算，会让自己这辈子的太多时间，都无法随心所欲、顺其自然。针对于此，你还可以考虑：和伴侣约好，每月只拿出一个晚上或者一个星期，作为开放关系的特定时段。接下来，你就可以作好打算：到了那个时段，是和伴侣一起去“钓”更多人，还是门外静坐，独享宁谧时光？一项在特定时间里具有“不可预见性”的共识协定，也算是“可预见性”的一种。

在没有共识协定的情况下

When There Is No Agreement

There are probably a lot of things in your life on which you feel no need to reach agreement. Everyone deals with differences in relationships all the time, as any night person married to a morning person can tell you. However, lack of agreement can feel less comfortable in the close-to-the-bone field of sexual relationships. When feelings run high, particularly about sexual issues, it’s easy to want to believe that your way is right and that all other ways are wrong.

日常生活的很多事情，也许在你看来，都不需要和谁达成什么协定。每一个处于亲密关系之中的人，都难免终日应对彼此之间的种种分歧——那些和喜欢早起床之人结婚的夜猫子，会对此感触尤多。然而，在涉及性爱的人际关系中，越是亲密到难分彼此的情形，越是可能因共识协定的缺失，而导致令人不快之事不断发生。当你情绪高涨之时，尤其是在涉及“性”事之时，很容易自信爆棚、自以为是，并且将与你想法不符的一切，都认定为错误。

One way to avoid the trap of turning a difference into a moral argument is to look carefully at ownership: who owns what in this disagreement anyway? What is A’s investment in this particular choice, how is B feeling different about it, and what are we afraid might happen if we can’t agree? Try to get really clear on how each person feels before you even think about what you want to do about this issue at hand. Understanding your own and your partner’s emotions will lead to new and better ideas for agreements or resolution.

一个类似陷阱的困境，是将彼此的分歧，当作“人品问题”，在争论时挥起“道德大棒”。要避免上述困境，一个可行方法，是认真审视“在此争论背后，每个人分别应担负什么责任”。例如，“在这场争论中，究竟每个人，分别拥有什么、应当有什么担当？”、“A君这样做，究竟图个啥？B君对此有着怎样的不同看法？以及，我们之所以对此无法苟同，究竟是在担心（如果对此同意）会发生什么？”在你考虑“眼前这件事，我想怎么做”之前，要先尽量搞清楚：你的每个亲密关系伴侣，分别对此事有何感想。明确并理解自己和伴侣的内心情绪，会为你带来更新、更好的想法，来达成共识协议，或者解决问题。

It can help to remember that you have been living with differences and disagreements with everyone in your life ever since you met them. When you discover a sexual difference with one person, it has probably been there all along, and yet you still like each other and share a lot of good stuff. Remember that you’ve been getting along fine without this particular agreement. If you’ve made it this far, you can live with the lack of agreement a little longer. Let time be your friend, and when difference is difficult, allow yourselves the time to thoroughly explore the feelings that are driving the disagreement and arrange to lead a rewarding life while you do it. You really can agree to disagree. Between the “yes” of full agreement and the “no” of full disagreement is a whole big gray area of no-agreement-yet, or tolerable-disagreement, or even who-cares?

牢记以下常识，对你大有裨益：你和你这辈子所遇到的每一个人，从刚认识的那一刻起，就彼此各异、充满分歧，并在与差异分歧长久共存的基础上，一路走到今天。如果你忽然发现某个人的性爱口味，和你有所不同，很可能，你们之间的差异，过去一直都在那里，而你们依然互爱彼此，并且已经分享了很多美好。不要忘记，在你们之间针对某项特定之事达成共识之前，一直相处得很好。 【换言之，今后也大有希望照此经验，继续很好地处下去。——译者注】 既然你们能够这样走到今天，那就能够在依然缺乏共识协议的情况下，再继续一起对付一段时间。让时间成为你们的朋友，当分歧非常难以弥合，那就不妨给彼此一个机会，索性任由分歧存在，从各个方面尽可能彻底地探寻“沉没在分歧的海水中”，究竟会有哪些感受——这不是将就、苟且，而是力求生活得有价值、有意义，让彼此的这场“冒险之旅”都不虚此行。你们完全可以对彼此的不同意见，予以包容、接纳。在完全一致赞同的yes和完全各执己见的no之间，还有着一大片幅员辽阔的灰色地带，诸如“协定尚未达成”、“有分歧但可以容忍”，乃至“谁会在意这点破事”！

Sometimes you will eventually find it possible to make an agreement, and other times you won’t. Occasionally, however, you will hit an area in which agreement is both necessary and impossible. For many people, the whole issue of nonmonogamy may be one of these; childbearing is another frequent point of contention. We suggest flexibility, and compromise seeking, possibly with the help of a qualified therapist.

有时，你们终于认定，共识尽可达成；而有时的你们，则远非如此。不过，在一些情况下，你们难免会踏入某个貌似无法达成共识却又亟需有共识存在的疆域。对很多人而言，有关多边关系的全部事宜，便是上述情形之一。如何抚养孩子，是另一个与之类似、经常发生的争议话题。针对此类，笔者建议，双方都应灵活变通，并寻求妥协的可能，也许，还可以请靠谱的咨询师介入，作为助力。

But if agreement simply cannot be reached, we think the skills you learned in trying to reach agreement can come in very handy as you practice not-blaming, not-judging, and not-manipulating, as you work to change or even end a relationship that cannot reconcile its differences.

如果只是无法取得共识、无法达成协定，笔者相信，只要学到了上文所述的技能——也就是，以不对任何人进行指责、评判和情感操控的方式，为共识协定尽力而为——就能得心应手地应对、处理。你们既可以设法作出改变，也可以因龃龉太难调和，而一别两宽。

Some people agree to end a relationship and then discover that later on, when the stress of parting has eased, they can agree on a new kind of relationship with the same person. Others cannot. But either way, forthright and open-hearted discussion of disagreements and agreements will lead to a cleaner and less stressful outcome.

有些人一旦同意和伴侣分手，之前针对分手问题的内耗纠结也随之消除，随后不久，会忽然发觉，自己其实完全可以和前任，就一种全新的亲密关系模式达成共识。当然，并非人人都能如此，也有些人无法这样。然而，无论是上述的哪一种情况，针对争议和共识的讨论，都应坦诚直率、心扉敞开，这样就能迎来一个更加公正、更少纠结的成果产出。

为彼此的差异，留出余地

MAKING SPACE FOR DIFFERENCE

You and your sweetie might have different visions about what polyamory will be for you. For one person, it could be a lot of recreational sex, one-night stands, or party play; another might yearn for one primary and one special secondary relationship. Some people enjoy many relationships that make extended families out of their lovers and their lovers’ lovers; others look for a three-or four-person group marriage.

多边关系对你而言究竟意味着什么？对这个问题的看法，你和你的心上人，可能不尽相同。例如两口子的其中一方，期待的是很多纯属娱乐消遣的性爱，或者是一夜激情、性爱派对；而另一方的期待，则是在最重要的老伴儿之外，再有个次重要的小三儿。再如，有些人喜欢没有明确边界的多人亲密关系，从自己的众多情人，到其中每个情人的其ta情人，大家庭不断滚雪球增厚；也有些人，则寻求三、四个人的群婚。 【多人群婚，如果只有特定的几个人相互亲密，而其ta人几乎无法加入，那就不属于开放关系，而是一对一传统封闭关系的“扩容版”，或曰另一种专偶制亚型。当然，任何一种形态的专偶封闭关系，都有可能在某种程度上打开门户，尝试着步入开放关系。——译者注】

Negotiating difference, however, can be done and is being done successfully every day. So what if one person wants S/M, or tantra, or wild orgies, and the other wants walks on the beach at sunset? Once you’ve opened your relationship to other people who may be more accepting of those desires, anything is possible—Dossie has worked with a number of couples with these kinds of differences. Agreements may be asymmetrical, to account for different desires and different feelings, and each individual may need a different kind of reassurance. The relationship-lover may feel shy and unhip, the party animal may feel judged or threatened by long-term partners, and each needs to have their own feelings validated and cared for.

针对分歧，相互协商，这根本不难完成；事实上，我们每天都在应对这种事情，而且大都处理得很成功。想想看，如果伴侣的一方，想玩S/M（虐恋），想体验“谭崔”之类的性爱身心灵法门，想要纵情狂欢；而另一方，则想去海滩散步，静观夕阳西下——这种情形，该怎么办？就开放关系而言，须知，如果有个人，比你更加开放，或曰对自己的性欲望更加坦荡，一旦此人和你现有的亲密关系产生交集，那么接下来的事态进展，就难免偏离你的预期、超出的掌控能力，“一切皆有可能”。本书作者之一的道茜，曾遇到过很多有类似情形的伴侣，并帮助这些伴侣设法应对这个问题。在此情况下的共识协定，对于伴侣之中的每一个人，也许是“不对称”的——因为每个人的种种欲望和种种感受，都各不相同，彼此之间可能差异巨大；每一个不同的个体，都对安全感、确定感，有着不一样的定义，所渴求于伴侣的确定承诺，也各自都会有不一样的内容。向往稳固亲密关系的人，在与更多潜在性伴侣一起时，可能会放不开，显得很古板；而热衷于性爱派对的人，则可能总觉得自己的老伴儿，动辄对自己进行指手画脚的评判，甚至是威胁干涉……上述的每一个人，其不同感受，都需要让所爱之人听到，作出“我懂你，我理解你”的答复，并且被认真对待。

向着共识，携手渐进

Reaching Agreement

So how do you find an agreement that will work for everyone? A good place to start is by defining your goals. A goal is not the same as an agreement; your goal is what you’re trying to accomplish, and your agreement is the means you’re using to try to get there. For example, if your goal is to prevent anyone from feeling taken advantage of, your agreement might be to ensure that nobody’s personal time, space, or belongings are being infringed on. So start with getting clear on what feels like infringement to each person involved, and use that for your guidelines.

行文至此，究竟该怎样去做，才能寻求到一份“皆大欢喜，信受奉行”的共识协定呢？一个良好的起点，是先搞清楚你们的目标，对所要达到的目标作出明确界定。所期待的目标，并不等同于共识协定。目标是你们努力想要实现的成果；而共识协定，是你们为达成目标，所采取的手段。举个例子讲，如果你们的目标，是谁都不想让自己觉得被对方利用、谁都不想觉得自己吃了亏，那么，你们之间的协定也许是：每个人的个人时间、私人空间或所有物品，都绝不可以被侵犯。取得共识的第一步，是明确每一个参与者，对诸如“怎样会让你感到自己被侵犯”的个性化感受，进而将（尽量有效规避）每个人的感受雷区，作为共同协定的准绳。

Often you will discover a goal by tripping over a problem: “Last night, when you and Sam were in our bedroom together, my feet were freezing and I couldn’t get in there to get my bedroom slippers.” The goal is to prevent this problem from coming up again—what kinds of agreements might help achieve that goal? Answering these questions will require an honest (and often difficult) look at what the real problem is: is it that your feet are cold, or that you resent being kicked out of your own bedroom, or that you’re feeling threatened and left out?

很多时候，一个正在困扰你的问题，会让你从中发现自己所希求的一个目标。例如，“昨天夜晚，当你和山姆一起进入我的卧室，我想走进去拿出我留在卧室里的拖鞋，却又迈不开腿。”避免类似情况再次发生，就是接下来的目标。那么，哪些类型的共识协定，有助于上述目标的达成？回答上述问题，需要你坦诚面对问题的实质（坦诚于己，并不容易）——你“迈不开腿”，难道是双脚冷到冻僵了吗？还是你唯恐自己，会被别人从自己的卧室里轰出去？或者，是你自己吓唬自己的脑补，令你临阵退缩？

Once you’ve defined your problem and your goal, it’s time to start figuring out a good agreement. It might be appropriate to do a trial agreement, to put a time limitation (a weekend, a week, a month, a year) on your newborn agreement to see how it feels to everybody concerned. After the time is up, you can sit down again to discuss what worked, what didn’t, and whether to continue your agreement or revise it or scrap it.

当你们明确界定了自己所遇到的问题，和相应的目标，这一刻，你们就该开始着手，就此磋商出一条切实可行的共识协定。也许你们可以先拿出一套试行方案，并设定一个时限（例如一个周末、一星期、一个月，或者一年），根据在此期间每个相关之人的感受，对这份新出炉的共识协定进行检验。试行时间截止，你们不妨再次坐下来讨论：这份共识协议，在多大程度上达成了你们的目标，还有哪些欠缺，以及接下来，是照此继续，还是作些调整，或者是放弃它。

In our experience, it’s rare for an agreement to last a lifetime without change: human beings change, and so do agreements. The way you can tell that your agreement needs to change is when someone doesn’t agree to it anymore. Janet and one of her partners, for example, began their relationship with an agreement that they could be sexual with other people, but that they couldn’t fall in love with anyone else. Then one of them did. (In hindsight, this seems like a fairly silly agreement—as though you could simply decide not to fall in love!) She remembers,

就笔者的经验而言，一项协定在达成之后，一成不变地持续终生，这种情况极为罕见：人皆难免会变，共识协定亦然。当你们之中，有人对共识不再认同，这就表明，协定需要有所变更。例如本书作者之一珍妮特，和她的一位伴侣，在建立亲密关系之初，约定彼此都可以和其ta人发生性关系，但不能同其ta人发展为恋情。接下来，只有其中一人遵守——事后回想，上述的共识协定简直是糊涂话，似乎你只需确定“不曾恋爱”而已。珍妮特如此回忆道：

There was a period in which we were having “check-ins”one or two times a day. This was a situation neither of us had ever planned on. We found it was very important to stay in the moment and to stay with tangible things—yes, it feels okay if she sleeps over while I’m out of town; no, it doesn’t feel right for you to bring the two of us to the same party. We found, during that experience as well as similar ones that came later, that the words “in love with”made us both feel kind of panicky—that agreements that dwelt on measurable factors such as time, behavior, and space worked better for us.

我俩之间，曾在一段时间，每一到两天内“打卡”一次，相互和对方都不能长时间失联。这种情况，我俩谁也没有预先安排。我俩都发现，片刻的相处，真真切切地感受彼此，这具有重大意义——我俩可以交换意见，比如我出门在外时，她和别人一起睡，“我觉得没问题”；或者，你想要把我和她带到同一个性聚会上，“这恐怕不妥”。在这样的共同经历下，我俩稍后都不约而同地发觉，“不能和其ta人发展为热恋”的共识协定措辞，令每个人都感到无所适从、忐忑不安。只有当共识协定，基于可以测评的因素，如时间、行为、场合等，才能对我俩真正起作用。

Expect to try out some agreements and find out that they don’t work, and expect to need to change them. You will get better at this process with practice, and in time you may know your own and your partner’s needs so well that negotiating agreements will be easy. But in the beginning, while you are learning, tidiness won’t count anywhere near as much as tolerance.

要做好这样的心理准备：辛辛苦苦鼓捣出一堆共识协定，然后发现它们根本行不通——换言之，你们在达成协定之时，就要有对其作出更改的预期。通过实际操练，你会对上述过程，逐渐更加得心应手，并且最终有望对伴侣的需求，了解得非常透彻，从而让共识协定的商讨，变得非常简单。但在刚开始时，你们是在学习、试错，在任何情况下，也别指望能做得有多好；容忍各种不完美，才是最重要的。

When you first set out, some of these discussions may get quite heated: remember, anger is an emotion that tells you what is important to you. What is constructive about these difficult times is what you learn about your partners and about yourself.

当你们第一次将上述内容付诸实行，相互之间针对一些问题的讨论，难免会非常激烈，可能吵得脸红脖子粗。切记，如果某个问题令你发怒，则意味着那个问题对你而言，具有非同一般的重要性。这会把你们搞得很难受，但其中的建设性意义在于，你们无论对伴侣还是对自己本人，都将由此了解更多。

Remember that there are many good ways to structure your sluttery. Structure is not what makes you safe from hard feelings—your ability to take care of yourself is what counts. So whatever structure you choose, hold it fairly loosely. Your agreements are not taking care of you; you are.

请切记：营造一场适合于你的婊子生涯和亲密关系，有很多条可行之路；亲密关系的意义，并不是让你从此再无痛苦情绪，而是让你从中练就更为强大的自我关爱能力。所以，无论你选择了何种类型的亲密关系、生活方式，都要保持一颗浪荡不羁的平常心，轻柔放松地“把握”它，不要对其太用力、太执著。真正能够关爱你的，不是那一纸共识协议，而是你自己。

Don’t get discouraged—all the successful sluts you see who seem so carefree have fought over their agreements. You too can work your way through this tangled web of assumptions and emotions and learn to love with openness and freedom.

哪怕再多不易，也别灰心丧气——那些在你看来终日欢愉无忧的牛逼大婊，大都也曾为和所爱之人的共识协定，而浴火“奋战”过很长时间，才有了破茧成蝶的今天。你也同样能够以自己的方式，从充满臆断脑补和辛酸苦辣的“一大团乱麻”中走出，让各种问题交错纠结的日子成为在你身后的历史——并且，学会在开放和自由的前提下，享受爱与被爱。

第15章 取得共识，达成协定