第16章让现有的亲密关系，成为开放关系

CHAPTER SIXTEEN Opening an Existing Relationship

MANY PEOPLE come to a time when they want to open their relationship to more sexual partners. But when your relationship was established under conventional monogamous agreements, you can’t expect to proclaim “Open Sesame!” and have everything fall magically into place. Like everything else about ethical sluthood—and perhaps even more than other ways of relating—opening an existing relationship requires care, thought, practice, and work.

让现有的亲密关系敞开大门，接纳更多的性伴侣——很多人都有这个念头。然而，如果你目前的亲密关系，是建立在常规的“一对一，专偶制”的共识之上，那你就休想指望有“芝麻开门”的奇迹发生。做个问心无愧、道德无亏的婊子，凡事都往往要比别人更加用心、更多思索、更需实操演练、更常好事多磨：让现有的亲密关系“门户敞开”，同样也不例外。

The relationship that you want to open may or may not be a life partnership; you may or may not be living together. You might have been practicing serial monogamy, with the usual occasional overlap. Or you may be dating and keeping all your lovers compartmentalized and want to move toward something more like a family or tribe. You may be looking for adventures outside of a triad or a group marriage. The work of opening is still work, no matter the nature of your relationship.

你所期待变得开放的那份亲密关系，可能与你白头偕老、相伴永年，也可能不定何时就各奔东西；你们能在一起多久，当下无从预判。也许你曾有过很多次一对一的封闭式亲密关系，但可能与前任尚未了断，便有新的所爱之人出现：这种偶然的“亲密关系重叠”，很多人都屡见不鲜。也有可能，你正在和多个情人分别相约，你的这些情人互不相识，就像住在不同的隔间——而你希望打破这个局面，从“几个独立隔间”，凝聚成一个彼此相知相爱的大家庭，或者是比较松散的“家族部落”。还有可能，你正处于“三人行”的亲密关系，或者多人群婚的小圈子里，现在，你想在此之外，探寻更多的激情奇遇。——无论你的亲密关系，目前是怎样的类型，今后会演变成什么样子，都可以永无止境地加大开放。

For the sake of simplicity, we are going to talk about opening a relationship between an existing two-person couple—but the principles and skills we discuss here can apply to lovers in any configuration.

为将问题尽量化简，我们接下来，只讨论如何让现有的二人伴侣成为开放关系——而笔者就此谈到的原则与技能，处于其他各种亲密关系模式下的情侣，也都普遍适用。

将二人伴侣，扩展为三人互爱

Turning Two into Three

If you and your lover are beginning this work with equal agreement that you both want to create this expansiveness in your lives, then congratulations, and welcome to the path. You will probably encounter some unexpected disagreements about the way this new life will look—so you still don’t get to skip this chapter.

如果你和爱人，都想让自己的生活圈子，能够扩大到更多人，并且开始为此而平等协商，期待就此达成共识协议，那么，笔者在此恭喜你们，欢迎你们走上这条道路。然而，你和你的爱人，对新生活的愿景，可能有所不同；这也许会导致你们之间，发生始料未及的分歧，彼此都要面对。为此，希望你不要忽视本章内容。

In our experience, though, it’s much more common that one person wants to open the door to outside connections and the other hasn’t ever even considered it and is appalled by the idea. This situation is definitely more difficult, especially when the third member of the triangle, the outside partner—potential or actual, open or secret—is waiting in the wings and probably cares a lot about the outcome of this process. A lot of people don’t really think about monogamy until they make a connection with someone who feels important to them and they don’t want to give up their beloved life partner, or get a divorce, or split up the kids. You could be in any of these roles in the triangle: the one with the lust for adventure, the new love who is not a partner, and the sometimes stunned partner to the would-be adventurer.

笔者遇到过很多这种情形：二人伴侣的其中一方，率先产生了“想要敞开亲密关系的大门”的念头，而另一方尚未萌生这个念头，往往会对伴侣的想法感到震惊。上述情形中，更为棘手的状况是：外面或明或暗的“第三者”已经出现，而且，很可能会对随后的事态进展，密切关注、严阵以待。事实上，对所谓的“一对一专属关系”，很多人从未真正思索过，并不晓得它真正意味着什么——直到某一天，有了婚外恋，同时也并不想和自己的老伴儿分手、离婚，不想和孩子离别。顺便一提，你随时可能成为“婚姻＋外遇”的三角关系之中的任何一方：可能是外面“偷腥”的那个人，也可能在不经意间成为某对伴侣的“第三者”，或者，是突然发现自己的老伴儿有外遇，为此又惊又怒的那个人。

In physics, the triangle is considered one of the most structurally sound and well-balanced structures—but in relationships, the very phrase “love triangle” carries a whiff of tabloid drama. This particular situation is not made any easier by the fact that it’s been happening for as long as there have been relationships. It can help to remember that it is utterly normal to have differences in desire in any relationship—you don’t need to both get excited about the same flavor of ice cream. Making room for everyone’s desires can work for all concerned—we know many people who have done so, reaching accommodations that work for all three people involved. Let’s look at the dilemma from all three points of view.

从物理的角度看，三角形被公认为最稳定、最坚固的结构。但在亲密关系中，“三角恋爱”这个字眼，充斥着八卦小报画风和狗血剧味道。自从人间出现了亲密关系，就有三角恋爱的存在，但这个事实，并不能让三角关系，变得更容易处理。然而，上述事实可以提醒我们：针对亲密关系，有多种不同的欲求，这无论发生在谁身上，都极其正常；就像反复品尝同一种口味的雪糕，不一定能为你带来两次惊喜。让每一个人多元多样的欲望，都有生根发芽的土壤，这完全可以在各方兼顾、皆大欢喜的前提下，很好地实现。笔者所知的很多人，都做到了这点，将（包括自己在内的）三角恋爱的各方，都能安顿妥帖。接下来，我们分别站在三角关系中每一方的角度，来审视各自利弊纠结的两难处境。

“出轨”、“有外遇”之人

THE ADVENTUROUS PARTNER

The advantage of being in this position is that you know, more or less, what you want. Perhaps you bought this book for your spouse, hoping for some freedom down the road and probably hoping that there is some way that you and your spouse can reach agreement without going through a whole lot of agony. However, you and your spouse are both, like all of us, products of our culture, and it takes hard work to step out of the paradigm upon which your entire previous existence was based. Good work, rewarding work, life-changing work, but still hard work.

当你处在这个位置，和爱情三角关系的另外两个位置相比，有一个独特的优势，那就是：你至少在某种程度上，明确自己究竟想要什么。说不定你买这本书的目的，就是为了说服伴侣，让你拥有“路边野花不采白不采”的自由；更大的可能，是你希望从这本书中找到捷径——无需历经很多痛苦，就能和伴侣达成开放关系的共识协定。然而，无论你的伴侣，还是你本人，也包括我们所有人在内，都是自身所处的社会文化的“产物”：我们截至目前的一切生活方式，都被自身所处的社会文化架构所笼罩、所塑造。要想从这样的社会文化架构中“走出去”，就难免付出一番艰辛的努力。这是一项正确的事业、有意义的事业、改变人生的事业，但同时，也难免“千山万水”、颇多不易。

Guilt is a dreadful emotion, one of the most uncomfortable ones we can feel. Most people feel guilty when something they do causes pain to the people they care about. When you place your desire for an open relationship on the table and your partner has a hard time with it, you will probably feel very guilty. There are no easy ways to allay your guilt by fixing how your partner feels.

内疚，是一种令人极其痛苦的情绪，是我们所能体会到的最高级别的不适感之一。如果自己所做的某件事，为所爱之人带来痛苦，大多数人都会感到内疚。当你把对开放关系的渴望，摆在明面上，由此导致你的伴侣，情绪糟糕异常，你很可能会感到非常内疚。此刻，没有任何简单的方法，能让你尽快安抚好伴侣的情绪，从而化解自己的内疚。

You can’t wave a magic wand and change your partner’s mind—that’s the hard work we must each do for ourselves. It will hurt. There may be tears and rage and bitterness, and you will feel guilty. If you already have two partners, then both of them might feel bad, and you will feel doubly guilty.

你无法挥动几下魔法杖，就让伴侣的情绪得到转变——这个难关摆在所有人面前。应对伴侣的坏情绪，这个过程难免充满痛苦，除了可能要面对大量的泪水、狂怒和苦楚，还会令你感到内疚。如果你已经有了两个性伴侣，一旦你将开放关系的欲望，和“除了你之外，我还有另一个情人”的情况，对ta们实话实说，接下来，你的两个伴侣都可能情绪恶劣，而你将感受到双份的内疚。

Don Juan and Doña Juana are portrayed in fiction as carefree explorers—and also heartless and free of care for any pain they may leave in their wake. We don’t believe that you want your freedom at the cost of becoming a callous jerk. If you have invited your partner into this exploration, that means you don’t want to cheat, you want to live your life honestly and honorably. We respect you for that. A lot of other people won’t.

那些热衷于“出轨”的文学虚构角色，例如唐璜等，大都被描绘成只在乎自己、不考虑别人的风流浪子，无论所爱之人在梦醒时分有多么伤心，他们都对此毫不在意。笔者绝不相信，你会为了自由，不惜变成薄情的狠人。既然你试图邀请自己的伴侣，一起踏上风流韵事的探寻之旅，那就意味着，你不想欺骗任何人，而是渴望光明磊落地追寻自己想要的生活。笔者对你的这种态度心怀敬意——毕竟，很多人都做不到这点。

二人伴侣之外的情人

THE OUTSIDE LOVER

We don’t even know what to call you, which makes it hard to talk to you and may make it hard for you to think about your situation. Your role—a potentially loving, giving individual who’s sexually involved with one member of a committed couple—is so distant from most people’s conceptual framework that a nonloaded word for you does not exist. Homewrecker? Mistress? The other woman? (There isn’t even a phrase for “the other man,” in spite of the fact that many, many such men exist.) More civilized, but often equally problematic, are concepts like“secondary”or “tertiary”: this language does define the situation, but we think the implied hierarchy can be demeaning. Do you only count when you are number one? Or does everybody have rights in this constellation?

当你处于这个位置，我们甚至拿不准应当怎样称呼你——这导致无论与你进行交流，还是对你的处境进行思考，都非常困难。你和有伴侣契约之人发生性爱关联，对那个人而言，你是尚未瓜熟蒂落、具有不确定性的“爱情彩蛋”。而你的这种角色，按照大多数人的观念，仿佛是个若隐若现的魔影。迄今为止，根本没有价值中性、不含皮里阳秋潜在污名的词汇，能够对你进行指称。常见的称谓，包括“破坏别人家庭的家伙”、“情妇”、“小三”（这个词往往只用于女性，尽管事实上，成为“小三”的男性，也广泛存在）。相比之下，似乎贬义较少的替代词汇，诸如“第二位或者第三位的亲密关系”，也同样大有问题。在笔者看来，上述说辞即使能够道出事实状况，其中也隐含着等级差别，这无异于对某些人的贬低。你是不是只有成为某个人的“天字第一号”伴侣，才可以接受、才感到满意？而我们的目标，是让多边关系中的每一个人，都能拥有谁也不输给谁的权利。

Whether you are the sweetie, the squeeze, the lover, or whatever, your position in the triangle comes with advantages and disadvantages. On the positive side, nobody expects you to wash their socks, and most of your time with your lover can be spent having fun. You are not expected to support your lover, nor to give up your career to stay home with the kids. On the downside, who do you call when you need a drive to the emergency room? Who do you call when you are sad? When you need support? Do you have any rights at all to your partner’s time, or is there somebody who sees you as the competition, with whom you may never speak or negotiate? While your position conveys few responsibilities, it often also carries very few rights.

无论你被称为甜心宝贝、非正式伴侣，或者小情人之类，你在三角恋爱关系中的所处地位，都兼具有利和不利的方面。从对你有利的方面看，没有人期待你帮ta洗袜子、做家务，你和所爱之人共度的绝大部分时间，都是在寻欢作乐。爱你的人，并不期待你能够支持ta、帮助ta，更不会期待你牺牲自己的事业，待在家里为ta照顾孩子。而从对你不利的方面看，当你面临诸如驱车赶往急救室的危难关头，能够向谁开口求助？当你伤心时，能对谁倾诉？谁能为你雪中送炭，陪你共克时艰？你对爱侣的日常时间，有进行安排的权利吗？或者，是否有人把你当作情敌，而你却根本无法和ta沟通、协商——无论你作何解释，或者有任何通融方案，那个将你视为死对头的人，都不会听你讲？你所处的这个位置，无需承担什么责任义务，而与此同时，也令你几乎毫无权益保障。

以上两者都不是，或曰，就是那个被“戴上绿帽子”的人

THE ONE WHO CHOSE NONE OF THIS

We really hope you didn’t get this book as a Valentine’s Day surprise, but we know that could be the case. It is utterly no fun to be called upon to expand your relationship in ways you never asked for, nor to deal with your beloved’s desires for other lovers after you’d promised to forsake all others. You may be feeling like you’ve had an abyss open up under your feet, with no solid ground anywhere to stand on.

当你处于这个位置，笔者真心不希望，这本书是你收到的情人节礼物——有外遇的伴侣用这种方式，向你道出实情，希望你接受开放关系，而这一切，令你震惊不已。但笔者也晓得，搞不好，事实真的如此狗血。在你没有主动要求的情况下，你的私密关系突然被“门户大开”，或者，在你承诺对所有人都予以包容之后，整日为如何疏导“爱侣针对其ta人的欲望”而殚精竭虑：这些都不是玩笑，而是纯粹的糟心。你或许会感到，自己仿佛踏入无底深渊，根本找不到一块坚固的立足之地。

Of course you are distressed, and angry as well—you did not choose this path. Here you are, in a maelstrom of scary feelings you never agreed to undertake. It may take a while for you to get that this is really happening. Eventually, though, this situation must be dealt with: once the subject of opening a relationship is on the table, it cannot be shut away in a drawer again. One way or another, you must find a way to cope with what’s been handed to you and begin considering what may happen next.

当你身处这个位置，种种痛苦，以及愤怒，笔者都可想而知；尤其是，上述状况对你而言，是全然被动的。你在毫不情愿的状态下，进入了一个充满糟糕情绪的巨大漩涡。面对这种情况，你也许要迟疑很长时间，才能明确意识到：这一切都不是假的，而是自己的真实处境。而随后的事态发展，往往是：“将亲密关系对外开放”的话题，一旦被摊在桌面上，就再也无法被“锁进抽屉”，谁都无法再刻意回避。无论通过何种方式，你总要找到一条可行之路，不但要应对当前现状，并且要对之后可能发生的种种，进行预先思考。

It is unfair, of course, that you’re being asked to do hard emotional work that you never chose to do. Is there any reason why you should have to work so hard? Is there anything in it for you?

确实，这对你来说是不公平的，因为你在身不由己、全然被动的状况下，不得不付出艰苦的心理建设、情绪劳动。你这么苦、这么累，究竟因为什么？在此“苦海”中，你究竟图个啥？

Well, quite possibly. Perhaps this work will make you stronger. Perhaps you will make an unexpected journey into your own capacities: Maybe you too have the ability to love more than one person. Perhaps it will deepen your relationship with your partner. Perhaps it will improve your sex life. Perhaps you will find a path that allows your relationship to continue, that allows you to grow and change together. Perhaps you can see a faint gleam of a possible freedom somewhere on the horizon.

是的，很有可能，你在这种状况下的自我心理建设，会让你变得更加坚韧，内心更加强大。还有可能，你会不期然地洞察到自己的很多潜能，就像一场充满未知彩蛋的旅行——或许你也有能力，爱上不止一个人；或许通过这件事，会让你和伴侣之间的亲密关系，变得更有深度；或许上述这一切，将为你今生今世的性爱，开启一片新天地；或许你和你的爱侣，能够找到一条道路，确保这段亲密关系，能够让彼此携手共进，“变则通，通则久”；又或许，你会看到在并不遥远的某个地方，分明有一束微光，向你昭示着实现更多自由的希望。

We can’t promise that any of these will happen for you. But there’s one thing we can promise. If you tackle this difficult situation, and learn whatever you can about yourself and your relationship from it, at the end of it you will have a choice. You may choose to separate, or you and your partner may choose to go back to monogamy, or you may try a more open relationship … but whatever you do, it will be because you’re looking at all your possibilities and choosing. Not reacting blindly, not doing what you’ve been told, not choosing the easy way just because it’s easy, but making your own, informed, heartfelt choice. We truly believe that consensual monogamy is a fine choice.

笔者无法承诺，上述的某一项好处，一定会在你身上发生。但有一件事，笔者可以对你确保：对此艰难处境，只要你勇于直面，迎难而上地积极应对，并且在此过程中，对你自己，和你当下的亲密关系，有了某些新的认知和感悟，那么，你终将有能力作出自主选择。你可以选择分手，或者，你和你的伴侣，共同选择重新回归对彼此的专一，也有可能，你们共同尝试一种更为开放的亲密关系。然而此时的你们，无论决定何去何从，都建立在你们充分考虑各种可能，并且从中作出选择的基础之上。这不是盲目地“脚踩西瓜皮，滑到哪里算哪里”，不是懵懵懂懂按照别人告诉你的方式去做，也不是“只管找个最简单的办法，把问题搪塞过去”，而是，作出属于你自己的、历经深思熟虑的、发自内心想要的选择。笔者真心认为，一对一的封闭专属爱情，只要你们双方都一致认同，也是一条还算不赖的途径。

Later in this chapter, we’ll give you some ideas about ways to keep this difficult negotiation as productive as possible. But first we want to talk about a situation that we know some of our readers are confronting.

上述的共同协商，难免有很多困难，究竟应当如何去做，才会更有建设性成果？在本章的稍后，笔者会就此给出一些建议。但接下来，我们需要先讨论一种常见情形——笔者知道，本书的一些读者，也会面临这种处境。

“出轨”欺瞒

Cheating

Sometimes the relationship is already open, only one partner doesn’t know it yet. This situation can be very hard to deal with, but it does happen, and often. Discovering that you have been and are currently being cheated on can be utterly awful. Feelings of betrayal, of lost trust, and often of shame are frequent consequences. Many people in this painful position are plagued with questions:“Am I not desirable?”“What did I do wrong?” All these feelings are legitimate, and we don’t believe you did anything wrong beyond accepting the stories you grew up on about what “happily ever after” is commonly supposed to mean.

有些时候，亲密关系已经处于开放状态，然而伴侣双方，其中一人被蒙在鼓里。这种情况非常麻烦，但它确实会发生，而且很常见。当你发现自己被伴侣长期瞒哄至今，足以让你气炸了肺、伤透了心。你会感觉自己遭到背弃，对谁都无法信任，往往还会感到羞辱：这些情绪反应，都颇为常见。很多人在此痛苦之中，还会被以下问题所困扰：“是不是我缺乏性魅力？”、“究竟是我做错了什么？”——上述种种感受，都是人之常情。在笔者看来，如果非要找出你“究竟做错了什么”，那就是：你把自己从小到大被灌输的“有情人终成眷属，阳光总在风雨后，幸福天长地久”等爱情神话，视为理当如此的人生准则。

It can help to remember that a cheating spouse who wants to open up a primary relationship is taking steps toward more honesty, showing respect for the partner and the relationship. They wouldn’t go to all this trouble if they wanted to get rid of you.

一个能够帮你走出负面情绪、对你大有裨益的方式，是切莫忘记：你的那个伴侣——渴望让自己首要的亲密关系变得开放，却又对你哄骗欺瞒——其实正在为了有朝一日能够对你实话实说，而逐步采取行动；ta之所以对你欺瞒，是出于对你的顾虑，和对这份亲密关系的珍惜。如果你的伴侣真想抛弃你，那就大可不必费心费力地瞒着你。

Our stereotypes paint the cheating partner as the villain, the greedy prick or bitch who wants to have their cake and eat it too, at your expense. But we know way too many people who have gotten into this position and are trying, often desperately, to find a way to make things right for everyone. The truly callous cad would just keep it all secret.

对瞒着伴侣“出轨”的人，我们往往充满脑补出来的偏见，将其视为坏蛋——贪婪的渣男渣女，吃着碗里看着锅里，鱼和熊掌都想兼得，而这一切，却要由“被戴上绿帽子”的自家老伴儿来“买单”。然而，就笔者所知，处于这个位置的人，或曰欺瞒伴侣的“出轨”者，其中数量极多、占比极高的人，都一直在挣扎中渴望找到一条出路，让和自己相关的每一个人，都能得到妥善的安顿。反观真正的薄情之徒，则没有这种内心纠结，只要自己私下和情人“偷着乐”就够了。

It can be hard to remember your partner’s goodwill while you are struggling to digest this unwelcome news. Discovering that your partner already has an outside love can be very close to catastrophic, simply because it feels so terribly bad. And although it may be comforting to focus your pain into righteous outrage—and you are justified in doing so—something more needs to happen if you and your relationship are going to survive and thrive.

当你一边在痛苦中挣扎，一边对上述内容（这些大概并不是你想听的）进行消化，此时此刻的你，恐怕很难体会到“出轨”的伴侣，在欺瞒背后的善意。发现伴侣有外遇，就已经到了灾难的边缘，原因很简单：这会让人的情绪，变得极其恶劣。尽管在痛苦中沉湎，“得理不饶人”地肆意发泄一番，能够让你觉得舒畅一点；但是，如果你并不想破罐破摔，要让自己重新振作起来，如果你依然珍惜这段亲密关系，那么，你就还有更多的事情，此刻亟待处理。

What do we see when we look at cheating with an open mind and with compassion toward everyone involved? Our culture would like to have it that cheating happens rarely, that it’s an anomaly. Kinsey discovered otherwise more than half a century ago: slightly more than half of theoretically monogamous marriages back then actually were not. So cheating is not unusual and is not perpetrated only by heartless sex addicts.

当你抱着开放的心态、怀着对所有涉事者的同情，来对伴侣之间的“出轨欺瞒”现象进行审视，你会从中看到什么呢？我们所处的社会文化，往往把伴侣间的“出轨”欺瞒，视为罕见的、不正常的状况。然而，早在20世纪中叶，性学家金赛就在研究中发现，真实情况和我们的上述认知截然不同：那些理论上的一对一封闭专偶式婚姻，至少曾有一方悄然“出轨”的，在海量的受访者当中，占据了50％以上。由此可见，有了外遇并且瞒着伴侣，是极其常见的高概率状况，绝非只限于一小撮“没良心的色鬼”。

Conventional therapeutic wisdom is that cheating is a symptom of something wrong in the marriage and that working on the marriage will make the cheating go away. Sometimes this is indeed true. But cheating is not necessarily about some failure in your connection, and it is cruel to tell people that something is wrong with a perfectly good relationship just because sexual desire has a way of squirming out of bounds.

针对伴侣之间“出轨欺瞒”，长期以来大家的普遍看法，是将欺瞒视为一种“症状”，它意味着婚姻出现了某些病变，同时，还可以通过对这段婚姻的妥善经营，让婚姻逐渐步入正轨，让欺瞒现象“恶灵退散”。——上述看法，在一些情况下，的确是真实状况的反映。然而，伴侣之间的“出轨欺瞒”，并不必然意味着双方的沟通乃至感情出现了问题。一对伴侣，感情极好，仅仅因为其中有人产生了“不同寻常”的欲望，就声称彼此的关系出现了问题——这种说辞，于事无助，徒然添堵。

You may feel betrayed, or grief-stricken, or furious. You’ve been launched into these feelings without any warning, and without your choice. It can be particularly hard to learn that your partner has been engaging in far-out sexual activities like kink or cross-dressing—if you’re struggling with this, please look at some of our other books, particularly When Someone You Love Is Kinky.

诚然，当你既“被戴上绿帽子”又被蒙在鼓里，一旦得知真相，你确实可能会觉得自己遭到了背叛，或者陷入悲哀难以自拔，也可能火冒三千丈、怒气冲九霄。你的全部身心，都仿佛在没有事先预警的情况下，被狠狠甩出去，重重地跌入各种负面情绪的瓦砾堆里：你被动地遭遇这一切，别无选择。如果你得知自己的“出轨”伴侣，参与了某些“不那么主流”的性爱，例如同性恋或者变装之类，可能会更加难以理解、难以接受。如果你遇到了这种情况，内心为之纠结，请参阅笔者的另一些书籍，尤其是When Someone You Love Is Kinky（《如果你的爱人，有非主流的性趣》）一书。 【本书两位作者合著的When Someone You Love Is Kinky一书，目前两岸三地似乎均无中文译本，感兴趣的读者不妨设法搜寻英文原版。——译者注】

Working to open a relationship under these conditions is far, far less than optimal—how is the nonconsenting partner supposed to find a way to feel secure and loved when the rug has been pulled out from under? But many couples do eventually find their way through this particularly thorny thicket. If you find yourself so angry that you can’t begin to think about anything else, here’s a way to make it easier to listen to your anger.

在上述状况下，试图努力让当下的一对一亲密关系，变成坦诚的开放关系，远非理想时机：毕竟，当“蒙席盖井”的席子被突然撤掉，真相败露之时，换位思考下——那个不情愿被“戴上绿帽子”的伴侣，对和你之间的亲密关系重建信赖，相信自己依然被你所爱，这谈何容易？但即使如此，依然有很多处于这种情况的伴侣，最终找到了携手走出泥淖、穿过荆棘丛林的方法。如果你感到非常愤怒，那就先不要去想其他任何事情，先缓解自己的情绪再说。针对于此，笔者有个方法，能让你更容易地做到“用心倾听自己的愤怒”。

We are talking about a life situation in which many people experience particularly fery anger. This exercise can be a first step in getting to know that anger and understand it, rather than just avoiding it like the plague and then erupting when you can’t stand it any more.

极度的愤怒，大家在日常生活中，都难免会经历——这也是我们此刻所讨论的话题。接下来的“练习题”，可以作为对内心怒火进行探究和解读的第一步。相比之下，把内心的怒火当做瘟疫一样逃避，一旦逃无可逃、忍无可忍，便毫无节制地爆发，这绝不可取。

【练习题】心中的怒火，究竟对你有何助益？

EXERCISE What Is Anger Good For?

For this exercise, you start out thinking like an ecologist. Remember in school how they taught you that everything in Nature has its job, its contribution: the maggots eat the dead mouse and turn it into rich soil and then the rose can bloom, right?

这个练习的起点，需要你像生态学家一样思考问题。回想下学生时代，关于生态学的教育内容，会告诉你，大自然中的一切事物都有其作用、有其贡献。就算是蛆，也能把死老鼠蚕食掉，将其化作土壤的肥料，让玫瑰花得以盛开。

So why do we all experience anger? What is its contribution to our individual ecologies and to our relationships? How does your anger help you? How does it protect you? Write a list. Examples might include: helping you discover your limits; energizing you to action; letting you release tension.

由此想来，为什么我们都有愤怒的体验？怒火，究竟对我们的“个人生态”，和我们的亲密关系，有什么贡献？它会以怎样的方式，为你提供帮助，或者对你进行保护？针对上述问题，写下一纸清单。——可能包含其中的答案，例如，发怒，让你觉察到自己不容触碰的界限；成为一种促使你采取行动的能量；让你的紧张情绪得以释放。

You might put this list on the refrigerator and add items over a week or two as you experience them.

你不妨将自己的这份清单，放在冰箱上面，然后在一两周之后，结合你近期和发怒有关的经历，为这份清单，增加新的内容。

Then, the next time you feel angry, you can ask yourself: “How is my anger trying to take care of me?”

那么接下来，当你下一次感到自己要发火时，就不妨问一问自己：“此时此刻，我心中的怒火，正在试图以怎样的方式，对我进行关照？”

Intellectually understanding cheating doesn’t make it that much easier to handle when you discover that it’s your lover who is doing it … but it might help you figure out where you want to go from here. The challenge of rebuilding trust can be hard to contemplate, and you need to figure out how you can meet your partner halfway. Your spouse can’t make you trust, can’t really even earn your trust as though it were a salary—you have to decide that it’s worth your while to grant it.

即使你在理智层面，能够理解欺瞒行为，一旦你发觉所爱之人对你如此，也同样可能陷入困境，事态难以掌控。——然而，理智层面的理解，有助于你明确“以现况为起点，继续往前走，你所期待的目标在哪里”。和欺瞒于你的伴侣重新建立信任，这个过程的困难，也许超乎你的设想。同时，你还需要想清楚：如果对伴侣宽恕、让步，你的条件是什么，底线在哪里。也许，你对“出轨败露”的配偶再也无法信任，即使此人今后像努力挣工资一样，尽心竭力想要你回心转意，也难以打动你。但即使如此，你依然需要三思而后行，切莫草率冲动——当然，是否与此人重建信任，决定权在你手中。

Furthermore, there is the problem of your partner’s outside lover waiting, patiently or not, in the wings while you are starting from scratch trying to orient yourself to the situation. This person that you just found out about has feelings too and has perfectly good reasons for not wanting to remain a dirty little secret.

除此之外，还有另一个问题：当你不得不面对现状、着手收拾烂摊子时，你的伴侣在外面的情人，也在枕戈待旦、摩拳擦掌，准备从边缘暗角步入“舞台中央”；此刻的ta，也许耐心地等待时机，也许已经急欲采取行动。毕竟，ta也有自己的情绪感受，尤其是，也有充分的理由，不甘心让自己的爱情乃至自身的存在，一直“鬼鬼祟祟”、“见不得光”。

If the situation you’re negotiating is one in which you or your partner has been cheating, you will probably have to spend some time together working through feelings of anger, betrayal, and guilt. But when you have those feelings under some degree of control, you will next have to look at the future and begin working—preferably together—on some solutions.

当“出轨欺瞒”败露之后，你需要和伴侣一起，花些时间共处，携手疏导与之相关的负面情绪，例如愤怒、背弃感和负罪感。如果你发觉上述的负面情绪，在某种程度上可以控制，那么接下来，你就不妨以“向前看”的眼光，想一想接下来该怎么办——最好能够和伴侣通力协作——针对当前的问题，探讨多种方式的解决可能。

It may be that you will wind up separating, or perhaps the two of you will return to monogamy. Your local bookstore offers many excellent books to support you through either of those alternatives. But this book is called The Ethical Slut, so let’s assume for now that you are at least considering the possibility of more openness in your relationship.

也许你和伴侣，将以分手告终；还有可能，你俩都将回归原先的一对一封闭关系——我们身边的很多畅销书籍，往往都会“劝导”或“推动”你，步入上述的两条道路之一。但别忘了，这本书的标题叫《理直气壮，做个婊子》。笔者宁愿相信，此刻的你，和你的伴侣，都愿意考虑下其他的可行之道——包括能否让当下的亲密关系，以此为契机，变得更加开放。

迈出开放的第一步

First Openings

In order for everyone involved in this situation to get from where you are right now—perhaps angry, perhaps scared, almost certainly confused—to somewhere new, you need to make a commitment to push yourself a little beyond your comfort level. Just a little, but still you need to push yourself. It doesn’t work if your partner has to push for you, and it doesn’t work if you are pushing your partner. You each have to push yourselves so you can discover how much stronger you are than you thought you were. It’s sort of like working out—you have to push and pull those weights in order to strengthen your emotional muscles.

要想从当下的愤怒、伤心、尤其是困惑之中抽身，并且走向与之不同的新境地，你就需要下定决心，促使自己在一定程度上“越过红线”，跨出自己的舒适区。即使迈出一小步，也需要自己内心的驱动力。如果单纯依靠伴侣“推动你”，或者是你去“推动”伴侣，都无法真正让彼此的亲密关系变得更加开放。当你和伴侣，在自我驱动下共同前行，你们都将觉察到：真实的自己，坚韧得超乎预想。这个过程，有些类似健身运动：你需要刻意推拉重物，从而让自己的“精神肌肉”，拥有更强大的负载力。

A good way to start would be to sit down with your partner in a peaceful place and compare your visions of a more open future. Perhaps you could each write down a little about what your relationship would look like if it were perfect, and perfectly easy. When you compare notes you may find out that you have very different visions: one partner may want to be the Queen of Sluts at sex parties, the other may be looking for a lover who wants to go backpacking and make out on a mountainside. One of you may be yearning for zipless fucks with no obligations, the other may desire an ongoing relationship with one or two people who stay connected and join the family.

你不妨和伴侣找个安静场所，坐在一起，分别讲出自己究竟期待怎样的“更开放的亲密关系”，就此进行讨论、对比。这也许是个很不错的“破冰”方式。在此过程中，你俩都可以把自己认为最理想、内心最向往的亲密关系，究竟应该是什么样，简明扼要地写在纸上。当你俩把各自写下的内容，摊在桌面上进行对照，就会看到双方的愿景，究竟有哪些不同。例如，也许一个人渴望自己成为性爱派对的“女王”，另一个人则想找个一起徒步或登山的同道情侣。或者，一个人渴望短暂而热烈的性爱，性伴侣之间没有长期的义务羁绊，另一个人则希望自己的老伴儿，和另外两三个爱侣一起，相互接纳，实现长久稳固的多元成家。

Don’t panic. You don’t have to want the exact same thing, and you can figure out agreements that make it possible for you both to make your dreams come true. Look back at chapter 15,“Making Agreements,” to get some ideas of possible ways the two of you might want to structure your poly constellation.

对此情况，不要恐慌。你俩根本用不着“严丝合缝”、处处相同，而且，你俩可以设法达成协定，让每个人都有希望实现自己的梦想。请回顾本书的第15章，《取得共识，达成协定》，从中能够得到一些可行之策，为你和伴侣共同的多边关系，搭建稳固的框架。

It can be pretty overwhelming to look at the dream with no idea how it can possibly be brought into reality—but, again, don’t panic. The next part is to figure out how you are going to get from here to there. As with any journey, you don’t have to teleport to your destination in an instant—you will get to where you are going one step at a time. You don’t learn to swim by jumping into the ocean, and you won’t get comfortable with any of this by castigating yourself for not being comfortable already.

当你天马行空地展望远景，却没有成竹在胸的可行路径，就难免深感不安、无所适从——但你无需为之惶恐，而是要继续前行。接下来的内容，将让你明确：从打破现状到渐近愿景的旅途中，究竟能够有何收获。这和一切旅行，道理相同，你不需要也不可能瞬间移动，直达终点；下一刻，你将身在哪里，取决于你现在一步步前行的足迹。旅途不是安乐窝，绝非随处都能任你躺平，难免会时常令你感到不那么舒适；对这些不适感，你切莫自我苛责，因为自我苛责，无法成为任何不适感的解药。这就像你不能为了学会游泳，而直接跳进大海。

【练习题】困难之事的等级排序；或者说，如何通过明摆着简单易行的“小碎步”，走出“泥淖”并迈上你所期待的“顶峰”

EXERCISE Hierarchy of Hard, or, How to Get from Here to There in However Many Absolutely Easy Steps

Here’s an exercise about choosing the first step you want to take. Choose a very concrete goal to focus on, one about which you have some anxiety. Poly issues might include: looking at personal ads together, introducing your lovers, making a date, having a sleep-over, talking about safer sex. Choose an issue to practice with that is relatively easy for you today.

如何迈出“走出去”的第一步，朝那个方向怎么走——接下来的练习题，就是让你找到适合自己的可选方式。你需要选定一个非常明确具体、并且会为你带来一些焦虑的目标，咬住它不放，不达目的不罢休。就开放关系、多边关系而言，上述目标可以包括：

和伴侣一起观看网上“寻人约炮”的内容，或曰“个人广告”；
向伴侣介绍自己的外遇情人，让ta们彼此相识相知；
找个外人，与之约会；
刻意在外面过夜一次，不和伴侣同床共枕，不妨与其ta人同眠；
实在不行，和伴侣一起聊聊如何能够更加安全地享受性快感，也好。

——选个你觉得相对容易些的项目，今天就去实操实练。

Think about the steps you would have to take to get from here to there—agreements, negotiations, honesties, asking for what you want, scheduling time, finding a babysitter, and so on. Write each of these steps on an index card. If any step looks too enormous, break it down into a few steps. Sort of like teaching three-year-olds to bake cookies, make each step utterly simple before you go on to the next one.

无论你选定了哪个目标，都需要对其实现步骤，进行一番思考：

和伴侣取得共识、达成协定，必不可少，这意味着，要先和伴侣针对此事进行协商；
和伴侣进行协商，你需要做到心怀坦荡——对伴侣诚实，先要对自己诚实；
诚实坦荡，包括明确你自己真正想要什么，并且直言不讳地道出自己的诉求；
坦诚道出自己的欲望诉求，就此和伴侣协商，包括你对“如何实现自我满足”的时间安排，要做到心里有数；
如果你们有小孩，当你们寻欢作乐时，必须先找到能够临时照看孩子的合适人选；

——凡此种种，以及其他类似问题，都要考虑在先。

你需要将关乎自己的每一项事宜，都分别写在卡片上，一张卡片写一项。如果其中的某件事，看上去比较复杂，那就再将其拆解成若干步骤、若干事项，再逐一写在卡片上。这个过程，就像告诉三岁孩子“如何烘烤曲奇饼干”，你需要针对其中的每个步骤，都尽最大可能，让它更加简单易懂——唯有这样，接下来的步骤，才能顺利进行。

Then lay out the cards and put them in order from the easiest to the hardest, or the safest to the scariest, according to how intense it feels when you think about that step. You may get new information about yourself when you do this.

然后，你把上述的卡片，一张张摊开在眼前，针对每一张卡片上的事项，从最容易到最困难——或者说，从最轻而易举，到最令你逃避——来进行排序。排序完全取决于你自己的感受。这个过程，能够让你对自己，产生一些全新的认知。

Then pick up the safest, easiest card, figure out how you could take that step, and march onward! When you’ve accomplished that, and learned whatever you learned from doing it, put the card away and go to work on the next step, which is now the easiest step. Never take anything but the easiest step.

然后，抽取对你而言最安心、最简易的那张卡片，并设法将写在这张卡片上的事情，付诸实践，一步步地推进、前行！当你将此事成功搞定，并且能够从中学到某些东西，接下来，便是第二容易的卡片——原先第二容易的事，此时成为最容易的。你只需按照上述方式来逐步推进，聚焦于当下最容易的事情；除此之外的任何举措，都是画蛇添足。

共识协定的两大类型

Kinds of Agreements

We look at the kinds of agreements that sluts make to deal with emotional comfort zones as falling, loosely speaking, into two categories: agreements that avoid scary feelings, and agreements to take a risk of feeling something that might be uncomfortable or scary, but not terrifying. Make a list of all the agreements you might consider entering into, and divide them into avoidant and risky. Avoidant strategies might include don’t ask, don’t tell; don’t rock the boat; don’t let me find out; I will never meet your lover; only on Thursday nights when I’m out with my lover, so I’ll never be home alone. These might be good agreements for the couple who are starting out on this path, in that they are taking the very smallest risks with the tightest possible containers. This is how we form a learning curve.

在开放关系的实践中，针对伴侣之间的情感纠结，众多婊子和自己的伴侣，所设法达成的共识协定，可谓五花八门、汗牛充栋。当我们审视这些共识协定，极其粗略地讲，可以将其划分为两大类型：第一类共识协定，专为避免过于痛苦的感受而生；而另一类，则主动承担可能导致痛苦感受的风险，当然，这些痛苦大都在可忍受的范围内。你和你的老伴儿，不妨把你俩即将实行的所有协定，都列出一张清单，然后按照“逃避痛苦型”和“勇于冒险型”，对其进行划分归类。“逃避痛苦型”的做法，包括“对某些事情不要主动询问、不要告知彼此”、“不要打破现状、节外生枝”、“不要让我觉察到你的某些秘密”、“我绝不肯与你的外遇情人见面”、“你必须时时刻刻在家陪我，除了周四晚上，我外出和情人约会”——这种类型的共识协定，对刚刚开始步入开放关系的二人伴侣，也许能够很有用：通过最严格的限定，让一切不确定性，都尽可能最小化。这是我们“构建学习曲线”的一种方式，或者说，是一条切实可行的入门途径。

If you choose only avoidant strategies, however, you can wind up keeping yourself frozen in your present state. If you don’t talk about what you are doing, then how can you think? If you can’t think, how can you negotiate? How can you reassure yourselves without knowing what is happening? People don’t do well in a vacuum, and many people find that the stories they make up in their heads in the absence of information are scarier than the reality.

然而，如果你所采取的全部方式，都是“逃避痛苦型”，那就难免陷入“自我冻结”的冰窟——困在现状当中，无法腾挪半步。想想看，如果你和伴侣，对各自的所做所为，经常不能相互告知、坦率交流，那么，你们如何针对客观现状，进行有效思考？没有各自的思考，何来彼此间协商？你们连“究竟发生了什么事情”都不清楚，又岂能让自己安心，岂能不胡思乱想、疑神疑鬼？任何人都无法在真空中如鱼得水；很多人都已经发觉：对自己不了解的情况，凭空脑补编故事，这比任何客观事实，更容易令人惊慌。

In a worst-case scenario, you could wind up not knowing something that everyone else in your community knows, and then you might find out about it from a friend who thinks you already know. Most people don’t much like getting blindsided, so basing your safety on keeping yourself blind is not going to work forever. And if you and your partner have to keep your activities secret from each other, then you have, well, a big secret. Secrets will not bring you closer together—they often create more distance. Suppose you have a fight with your outside lover, and your life partner can tell that you’re upset. How do you deal with these realities and not disclose anything about your outside connections?

最糟糕情形之一，是你落入这样的境地：你家的某些私事，街坊四邻都已众所周知，唯独你自己，一直蒙在鼓里；而其结局，是你的某个朋友，误以为你对此早已知晓，不经意间对你提及，但这对你而言，堪比晴天霹雳。大多数人都受不了这种突然打击。所以，“眼不见心不烦”的虚幻安全感，注定无法持久。即使你和伴侣，都对各自的外遇守口如瓶，没有半点蛛丝马迹，那么，你们之间的“重大机密”，也一直客观存在，分明摆在那里。这种各怀鬼胎、蒙席盖井的状态，对你们的亲密关系，显然有害无益，只会不断拉大双方内心的距离。何况，纸里终究包不住火，如果你和外面的情人发生了争吵，回到家里，老伴儿可能会觉察到你的脸红脖子粗。你如何能够把这些现实问题，时时刻刻都埋藏得天衣无缝，让自己的外遇，永远不被家人所知？

Many people find it easier not to hear about the specifics of their partner’s lovemaking with others, and we don’t see a lot of problems with that. Eventually, you might find it a turn-on, but there is no need to start there, or even get there, unless such sharing is important to one of you.

很多人都有这样的亲身经验：即使明知道自己的伴侣，和其ta人发生了性关系，也不要追问其中的任何内容，“难得糊涂”的状态会让内心更轻松些。就笔者所知，上述做法确实可行，不会带来很大问题。最终，你可能会知晓其中一些格外热辣的细节——但是，除非此类细节的相互分享，对你们两口子而言非常重要，否则，对此类“热辣细节”的有无，谁都无须刨根问底地强求，一切顺其自然、任其发展即可。

Think very hard about any agreements that add up to “don’t have too much fun.” Agreements about safer sex, of course, are absolutely required. But in the long run it’s not going to make you feel very safe if your lover agrees not to, for instance, kiss someone, or not do any of a long list of activities. All you will get for that is a lot of wondering if this agreement will be kept and a lot of uproar if you suspect it is not.

如果你们之间的某些共识协定，说白了就是“不要玩得太嗨——要恪守自我收敛、自我审查、自我阉割等等的三从四德三贞九烈，就算偶尔做个婊子，也要时刻扛好贞节牌坊”，那么，笔者建议你们，要对其背后的“性不洁观”、“性罪错论”的理念，进行反思、自省。当然，一定要让性行为更加安全——服务于这个目的的限定条件，是必不可少的。【最主要也是最关键的一点，就是“杜绝高风险的体液交换”。例如只要涉及阴茎插入，就必须戴好安全套。再如，多人玩拷打类的虐恋游戏，要避免两个人的伤口、血液，有相互接触，伤口亦不可接触别人的精液、前例腺液或阴道液体。除病毒防控外，也包括其他类型的安全：例如有些人喜欢闻袜子、臭鞋，如果对自身的免疫力缺乏清醒认知（不少HIV感染者，直到自身免疫力已经严重下降时，才去做检测，才知道自己的身体状况），尤其是当对方患有较为严重的真菌型脚气病，就可能稀里糊涂地由此导致呼吸系统遭受菌类感染；另一个例子，是译者多次对一些喜欢玩黄金（屎尿）的网友，反复告知这样一个基础事实：健康人的新鲜尿液无菌，但粪便富含多种细菌，因此，喝尿和吃屎不能等量齐观，前者风险可视为零，但后者“病从口入”的风险则不容忽视。——总之，关于安全性爱的种种，不可马虎、漠视，不可心存侥幸。——译者注】无论如何，我们都可想而知：如果某个人要求伴侣“绝对不能和外人接吻”，甚至要ta顶着一大长串的禁止清单，那么从长远看，此人很难拥有安全感，难免成天担心对方违约“出轨”，为此杯弓蛇影、疑虑不安，不是情绪突然爆发，就是正处于崩溃的边缘。

You have the right to expect your spouse to be open with prospective partners about having a life partner already. You may be surprised to learn that this will make both of you more attractive to some people than a single person would be—an outside partner can play with either one of you and not have to worry about whether you are going to show up with a U-Haul. By being honest about the relationship you are looking for, you will attract people who are ready and willing to deal with the realities of your life.

你确实有权利这样要求伴侣：如果有了可能长期交往的外遇，就要对外遇之人，道出“我已有家室”的实情。你们也许会惊异地发现，如此坦言实情，反而会让你们双方，都经常会比单身之人更有吸引力。因为这样做，会让你俩之中的每个人，都将被各自的外遇情人所确信：“此人有自己的稳固家庭，绝不至于有一天，开着载满个人物品的货车出现在我面前，非要和我一起过日子，成为令我甩不掉的狗皮膏药。”如实告知你所希求的亲密关系模式，会让你更容易吸引到“患难之交”，也就是愿意与你携手应对现实问题的人。

There are distinct advantages to connecting with experienced sluts—their knowledge can be very helpful. When a prospective outside sweetie is new to polyamory, you will negotiate another set of agreements and establish a learning curve for this relationship.

和经验丰富的婊子相约，有很多显而易见的好处：ta们的知识阅历，往往能够对你大有帮助。相反，如果某个人，刚刚开始尝试多边关系，并且可能成为你的外遇，就难免需要你和ta一起“从零学习”，从另行商讨出一套共识协定开始做起。

Risk-taking strategies might include things like full disclosure or checking out personal ads on the Internet together: your first steps on your learning curve can be virtual steps if those feel like the easiest to take. What photos in the ads does your partner respond to? How do you feel about that? What does your partner think about the people you find attractive? What happens if you field a couple of characters on Second Life or flirt online in one of your fantasy identities? Or you might go out to a club together and talk about what it would be like to flirt with any of the hotties you might find there.

对“逃避痛苦型”的共识协定，就此告一段落，接下来，我们谈谈另一种，也就是“勇于冒险型”。在多元多样的交友网站上，将自己的情况，完全告知目标受众，或者，哪怕仅仅是和伴侣一起浏览这类网站，看看其ta人的“个人广告”，都属于“勇于冒险”之举。你和老伴儿以“勇于冒险”的做法，携手迈出的第一步，可以先在网络的“虚拟”环境中实行，这样也许会让你们觉得压力更小、更容易做到。不妨试试看，网上什么样的人，所发布的个人约炮“广告”，能够让你的伴侣“有感觉”、“有反应”？你又对此作何感受？而针对你在网上所中意的人，你的伴侣对ta们怎么看？如果你在“第二人生”（Second Life）等网游的世界里，成功地和一对玩家（当然也是虚拟身份）勾搭得火热，或者，在虚拟世界里，你的某个马甲，大放异彩、魅力十足，勾引到很多人——接下来，会发生什么？……当然，你们两口子也可以一起外出泡吧，和现实中的可爱之人搭讪、调情，之后再相互交流各自的感受。

You can take the risk of arousing one of those scary emotions almost as an experiment, to see how it feels, learn about yourself, and explore how you can take care of yourself and reassure each other when jealous feelings are being felt in the present.

上述做法，近同实验。在此过程中，或许会让你产生一些负面感受，但这是你能够承受的。你可以从中“监测”、“捕捉”自己的内心感受，从而更加了解你自己，并在探索中不断强化自我关爱的能力。尤其是，你和伴侣之间，一旦有醋意出现，在觉察到醋意的同时，就会及时相互肯定、互诉衷肠，彼此之间的信任，也将由此更深。

One risk that we advise you to take involves making the time in your busy lives to talk about how you are feeling about all this. There are a lot of exercises in this book about communication: try them. On the next page you’ll find another script for talking about difficult feelings. We have said before that nothing creates intimacy like shared vulnerabilities—so we advise you to savor all the closeness that you open up with each other when you start taking risks.

当你和伴侣一起，读了这本书的这么多内容，也许也真正做了些什么——至此，无论多忙也要抽些时间，对各自在此过程中的一切感受，和盘托出，相互交流。这是笔者强烈建议你和伴侣，携手同行的冒险之旅。关于如何沟通交流，这本书中有很多“练习题”，都是很好的方法，你们尽管去试一试。稍后的另一个“练习题”，是针对自己难以启齿的负面情绪，如何进行表述和沟通的又一个“脚本”、再一个方案。笔者在前文已经说过，营造双方的亲密感受，一个无与伦比的最佳途径，就是相互分享各自的脆弱之处。故此，笔者建议你和伴侣，尽情享受彼此敞开心扉的“真心话大冒险”，所产生的心灵相通、灵肉交融。

You can also use the “Yes, No, Maybe”exercise in chapter 21,“Sex and Pleasure,” only this time list all the poly things: coffee dates, answering an ad, exchanging phone numbers at a party, flirting, all the way up to actual dates, sleepovers, and sex. The items that wind up on your Yes lists are the ones to start with, and then you can negotiate what it would take to make it safe enough to try something on your Maybe list. The No list states your absolute limits at this time and maybe forever. Compare this to your “Hierarchy of Hard” cards we talked about in the exercise earlier in this chapter. These two exercises you will use over and over again, because each time you get good at any part of what you are attempting, the scary level of all the items will change. Every time you learn something new, you become stronger and more confident.

在本书第21章（《性爱、快感、情趣》）中有一道练习题，“可以，不行，也许”，你和伴侣在此，也不妨一试。把你俩各自所能想到的、和多边关系有关的事物，尽可能更全面地列举出来，形成一张清单。例如，在咖啡馆里和其ta人约会、对其ta人的在线约炮广告进行正面回复、在聚会中和“来电”的人互通联系方式、和别人勾搭调情……上述种种都将发展为现实约会、一起过夜，和发生性关系。清单上的这些项目，被标注为“可以”的，可以作为你和伴侣，一起踏上开放关系之路的出发点，或者最初的几站，现在尽可逐一落实。当你俩将“可以”的事项做完之后，再去针对被标注为“也许”的事项，进行讨论协商，力求在尽量更安稳的状态下，一起尝试其中的更多，在这条路上探索得更远。至于被标注为“不行”的事项，则意味着你们当前，所不容逾越的界限——也可能会是永远的禁区。但你们依然不妨将“不行”的事项，和前文练习题中“困难之事，等级排序”的那些卡片，进行参照、对比——这两项练习，需要交替进行很多次。当你每次主动尝试“更难”之事，都将从中自我提升，昨天的“难关”可能会变得不再那么可怕。多一次练习，你的知识和技能，就能多一些提升，由此不断铸就更壮的“贼心”、更肥的“贼胆”。

【练习题】“干仗”20分钟

EXERCISE The Twenty-Minute Fight

Make an appointment with your partner to discuss something you don’t agree on for twenty minutes. Find a good time when you can focus, and when you won’t have to do anything stressful right after—perhaps plan to watch a movie.

和你的伴侣，针对彼此之间的某个分歧，专门抽出20分钟进行讨论、“干仗”。找个彼此都方便的时间，20分钟内专注于“干仗”，然后一起做些能够放松的事情，比如看场电影。

Try this first with a small disagreement, something not terribly heated, just for practice. How do you manage to stop after twenty minutes when the discussion isn’t finished? Our most difficult disagreements are not going to be resolved in hours of talking, arguing, or yelling—maybe not even in weeks or months. Difficult issues take time to work on. So one important skill is to open up the controversy, and then figure out a way to stop and close it back down till the next time.

第一次尝试，建议先找个不太要紧、不易真正激化矛盾的小分歧，作为练手的道具。到了二十分钟，如果还没掰扯出结果，你俩究竟怎样做，才能设法“刹车”、叫停？须知，伴侣之间的很多严重分歧，哪怕花几个小时来谈论、争辩、嘶吼，甚至反复掰扯好几个月，也未必能够达成解决方案。好事多磨，应对更大的困难，需要更长的时间。因此，一项重要技能，是如何让彼此之间的矛盾，既“拿得起”，能够随时抽空进行探讨甚至“开撕”；又“放得下”，到了约定的时间就立刻“刹车”，将矛盾分歧暂时搁置，照常生活照常做事，直到下次继续之时，再重新提及、照此“开撕”。

Use good communication tools, and set the timer. When the twenty minutes are up, take a few deep breaths and let go, let go, let go of wherever you are in the argument. It is a terrifically useful skill to know how to stop. It is much safer to start talking about a controversy when you have agreed not to yell at each other till you are exhausted and go to bed in a huff. You may find that after you stop talking you will be thinking about what you said, and what your partner said, and in a day or two you may very well get some new ideas about how you feel and what might work. By the time you come together next week for Twenty-Minute Fight round two, you may surprise yourselves by how much closer to understanding or accepting each other’s positions you have come.

在“20分钟干仗”过程中，留心运用各种建设性的沟通技能，并设置好计时器。到了20分钟的时限，不妨一起做几次深呼吸，方才所争论的一切，这时都要放空、放空、彻底放空。知道怎样确保“时间一到，就能急停”，是一项极其有用的技能。如果彼此事先约好，“不要大声喊叫，如果被气得情绪失控、自制力已经消耗干净，就索性走进卧室、躺在床上”，这样的“干仗”争论，就会明显更加安全。你可能会发觉，当你闭上嘴巴不再继续讲，接下来，你就会对自己方才所说的每句话，进行复盘、反思；同时，也会对伴侣所说的每句话，反复思索、回味。这个过程会持续一整天或者两三天，其间，你也许会对自己的感受，有更多的反思，或者对可行的对策，产生更多的灵感。到了下周，当你和伴侣，重启新一轮“20分钟干仗”，大概会惊喜地发觉，双方都更能站在对方的角度，换位思考，相互理解、接纳。

We have deliberately suggested some extremely easy places to start with—like looking at ads, or talking about all the cuties dancing at the club. These are very safe places to take a tiny risk, and pay attention to what feelings come up, and talk about them. Remember that feelings like to flow—don’t look for answers, just watch them move on through. Please don’t assume that how you feel today is how you will always feel: the whole purpose of this endeavor is to open up your options about your feelings.

笔者一向强烈建议，当你和伴侣一起采用“勇于冒险型”策略，尝试迈向开放关系，一定要从极其简单地方起步，例如一起浏览其ta人的约炮“广告”，或者以在夜店跳舞的小可爱们，作为谈论的话题。采取这类方式，让人毫无压力，没啥风险可言；在此过程中，你需要细心觉察自己忽然而至的种种感受，并把自己的感受，和伴侣相互交流。要记住：各种内心感受，皆如风吹水流——不要从中寻求什么“解答”，只需静观其变，任其过往，一切都无需挂怀。请不要自认为，你们当下的某些感受，将来会一成不变。这项功课的唯一目的，是让你对自己的种种感受，能够打开心扉、接纳所有，进而从中作出选择。

You may be surprised by what’s difficult, or by what’s easy. Give yourself a gold star for what’s easy—that’s a strength you already have. Give yourself another gold star for even thinking about something that’s hard—this is the work you are setting out to do.

上述过程对你而言，有些内容可能格外简单，但也可能格外困难，这也许会引发你的疑虑。当你觉得简单时，奖赏自己一颗“金星”，因为这意味着你已经拥有的能力。当你觉得困难时，奖赏自己另一颗“金星”，因为你已经找准了正确的努力方向，尽管由此奋进前行。

你和伴侣之间，如何“性欲保鲜”？

Keeping It Hot

Regardless of what decisions you make about other people in your life, it’s a good idea to start from a relationship that feels fulfilling and exciting. If you are delighted with your sex life with your partner, perhaps you don’t need this section. But if your sexuality as a couple has become infrequent, perfunctory, unsatisfying, or nonexistent, please know that this is utterly normal (although not inevitable) in mature relationships. Most of us, when we get settled into a comfortable relationship, find wonderful ease and safety, but as our days get filled with careers and kids and softball and mortgages and building the studio in the garage, there is less energy for sex, and passion may lose both its ease and its urgency.

日常生活中，无论出于什么目的，只要是和人打交道，都最好能够从一开始，就设法营造共同的欣喜，和热烈的氛围。如果你对自己和伴侣之间的性生活，一直非常满意、乐在其中，那么本书的这一段，你大概无须阅读。但是，如果你俩的“性事”（广义，和性快感、性交流有关的一切，都包含其中），已经变得时有时无、时好时坏、马虎敷衍甚至一片空白，请记住：这是亲密关系发展到成熟阶段时，极其正常的状况——但也并非无可避免的宿命。当你和伴侣，都已在一段舒适的亲密关系中稳定安居，就会乐享彼此之间的安全感和放松感，把当初用于性爱的能量，转移到充斥于日常生活的其他事项，比如工作、孩子、房贷，或者看场球赛、改装车库之类。至此，营造彼此爱情的“激烈火花”，变成一件没有必要的麻烦事。——这在多数情况下，是人之常情。

Before you read on, think for a minute: is the sex in my partnership okay the way it is? Maybe having somewhat less sex these days than you did on your honeymoon is fine for you. It’s a myth that your relationship is a disaster if you’re not getting it on three times a week or for three hours at a time. There are perfectly marvelous partnerships that last for decades and are very satisfying to all concerned, with little or no sex, or with comfortable, routine sex. Don’t feel like you have to change something that feels okay the way it is: when it’s not broken you don’t need to fix it.

在你继续往下阅读之前，先拿出一分钟时间，停下来想一想：“我和老伴儿之间，这段日子的性爱，还好吗？”也许对你而言，如今和伴侣的性爱频率，在某种程度上少于昔日的热恋蜜月期，这并没啥不妥，不是什么问题。相反，如果一定要和老伴儿每周做爱三次，或者每次都要达到三个小时，否则，就意味着彼此的亲密关系发生了严重危机——这种看法，纯属坑人的迷思。很多相濡以沫几十年的恩爱伴侣，对彼此的方方面面都非常满意，而长期以来的性生活，可能少到几乎没有，也可能像一日三餐那样舒适快乐地“例行公事”。只要你自己感觉良好，就无需刻意改变：没有故障就不用修理。

If, however, there are changes you would like to make, the first thing you need to do is find some time to talk with your partner, maybe read this section together, and negotiate your learning curve. If this opens up some hard feelings—and it may—go back to chapter 14, “Embracing Conflict,” and consider how you can listen to each other’s feelings without making anyone into a villain. Both of you got you here, and it’s going to take both of you to get somewhere better. So start with what you need to do to get on the same side. We’ll start with discussing a few common problems and some solutions to try.

然而，如果你不满于当下状态，想要在某种程度上有所改变，你的首要任务，是和伴侣一起找个时间，共同阅读本书的这一段，然后，和伴侣共同进行实操实干的重新学习。在此过程中，也许会产生一些负面感受、一些彼此之间的摩擦，这时，就需要你们一起重温本书第14章，《拥抱冲突》——好好考虑下，怎样才能做到用心倾听彼此的内心感受，同时，不要把任何人，当作“问题的根源”、“对立的坏蛋”。 【例如你发现伴侣有外遇，既不要责怪“出轨”的伴侣“负心”，更要避免“打倒小三，就是晴天”的思维方式。——译者注】 你们两口子的一切现状，都是双方共同造成的；只有双方携手前行，才能改善共同的处境。所以，一定要从你俩达成共识、能够协同行动的事项，开始做起。笔者建议，首先针对你们两口子都希望作出改变的某些问题，尝试各种解决方案。

Where you start depends somewhat on the nature of the problem. Some couples fall out of sexual synch because of a physical difficulty with sex that has eaten away at their sense of intimacy. For others, it can have more to do with the distance caused by the pressures of day-to-day life, or about small resentments that have built up over time and that can make it difficult to find the passion and romance that once inspired you. For many, it is some of each.

问题本身的特质，也足以决定你们应当从哪里着手。有些伴侣之间，由于身体层面的困难，导致性生活不和谐，彼此的亲密感也被侵蚀殆尽。还有一些伴侣，问题的根源，是日常生活的压力太大，导致双方无心亲昵，情感渐行渐远。或者，是因为长期以来的琐事积怨，让曾经的激情和浪漫，如今再难重现。此类问题，五花八门，各家有各家的不同；以上所说的，只是一些举例。

Let’s start by talking about sex. It may be that one or both of you has kept silent about some aspect of your sex that isn’t working right, out of some sense of trying to protect your partner’s feelings. Silence will not help: the loving way to treat a sexual problem is to work together on fixing it, and your partner can’t join you if you won’t say what’s wrong. If your partner tends to stop that perfect stroke right when it’s getting good for you or initiates orgasm-seeking activity long before you’re ready, you have to ask for what you want or else you are going to get frustrated and eventually resentful. And if you’ve never told your partner what you need to make you happy, you are depriving both of you of a blissful sex life. Similarly, when your partner has a concern, please don’t take it as a deliberate blow to your sexual self-esteem. Most of us have to learn what our partners like from our partners—there are no clever tricks that work for everyone.

笔者建议，针对各种问题，都不妨通过双方一起讨论性爱，作为突破口。谈到你俩之间明显很不如意的性生活，一旦涉及某些方面，就可能出现冷场：也许你俩一起沉默，也许是一个人自说自话，另一个人全然无语。沉默的原因，往往是担心有些话一旦说出口，会伤害自己的老伴儿，令ta在情感上难以接受。然而，沉默于事无补。对待性爱方面的问题，真正的贴心举措，是和伴侣一起努力应对、调整。如果你不肯站在自己的角度，道出问题之所在，那么，你的伴侣就只能独自“抓瞎”，无法与你同步。如果你的伴侣，对你的爱抚，或者其他能够让你达到高潮的做法，总是在你刚刚开始渐入佳境时，便戛然而止，那么，你就需要把自己的欲求，明确告知伴侣；否则，你就难免越发扫兴，伴侣之间嫌隙渐生。进一步讲，如果你从不告知伴侣“你怎样做，我才会爽”，这就无异于，你亲手阻断了和伴侣之间的性福生活。同样道理，如果你的伴侣，对你性爱中的表现有所不满意，你千万不要认为，这是伴侣存心贬低你的性能力。我们当中的绝大多数人，都需要从自己的老伴儿那里，好好恶补一下“此人究竟喜欢什么样的性爱方式”——这项功课，谁都无法以投机取巧的方式搞定，唯有老老实实地开口询问、主动沟通。

Pay attention to practical matters. Has sex become uncomfortable or painful? The first step here, too, is communication. If your back hurts in some positions, talk to your partner and choose some positions that are comfortable for both of you. Bad disks are not very sexy, but a pillow under the hips or the belly can change what gets strained or stretched. If friction feels unpleasant, pick up samples of some nice lubricants (many erotic boutiques sell sample packs), test them out to find your favorite, and enjoy yourselves. Lubricant is an asset to vaginal play for many women, and an absolute necessity for women in midlife and beyond, or for any form of anal play. If you haven’t tried it before, you’ll be stunned at how good it can feel for both parties. If penetration still hurts, get a medical checkup to deal with anything that needs medical attention. And if you both want penetration, but his penis isn’t cooperating, consider trying one of the prescription medications now available to help maintain the hard-on once you’ve taken care of the turn-on. Once you start talking about physical issues that can affect sex, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how many of them are easy to fix.

种种现实问题，请你务必留意。性爱，会不会导致疼痛，或者其他不适感？针对这个问题的第一步，依然是：去和伴侣沟通交流。如果某些体位的性爱，会让你腰酸背痛，那就将此告知伴侣，换成另一些能够让彼此都感到舒适的体位。如果椎间盘不太好，也会降低性爱质量；不过，如果在腰臀之间，或者腹部下面，垫上一个枕头，也许就能让你之前的感到紧绷或者拉扯的部位，由此大为舒缓。如果插入式性行为的摩擦，带来不适感受，那就需要选取若干种不同的润滑液样品（很多情趣用品店，都有各种润滑液的“样品装”出售），逐一尝试，找出最适合你们的那种——一起享受这个过程，沿途风景乐在其中。对大多数女人而言，举凡涉及阴道的性爱，润滑液都是一项重要“资产”；当女人步入中年，以及随后的漫长岁月，润滑液必不可少、极其关键；或者，当你和任何人（无论性别），发生任何方式的肛门性爱（无论插入之物是阴茎，还是手指，或者角先生之类），都离不开润滑液。如果你过去没有尝试过润滑液，在你一试之后，会惊异地发现：这令你们双方，感受何其美妙。如果有了润滑剂的参与，插入式的性行为依然痛苦不堪，那就去看医生，做个检查，若有需要治疗之处，千万不要耽误。如果你们双方，都想要插入式性爱，但其中一方的阴茎“不给力”，那就不妨通过医生的诊疗处方，得到让阴茎能够在双方的兴头上，保持坚挺的药物。 【例如针对阳痿的西地那非类药物（万艾可），也就是俗称的小蓝片、伟哥；或者针对早泄的达泊西汀类药物，在内地被称为爱廷玖、艾时达。上述药物都是处方药，需要在医生的指导下服用，不要自己“凭感觉”去吃，以免发生始料不及甚至难以逆转的副作用。——译者注】 当你和伴侣一起，为改善彼此的性爱质量，开始着手行动，就会欣喜地发现，很多切实可行的方法，就在你们眼前。

Alcohol and other intoxicants are not really your friend. Although a small amount of wine or whatever may help you feel less inhibited, nervous people tend to overindulge, and getting hammered will leave you unable to feel anything at all and no fun to play with. We are going for sexual consciousness, not sedation.

酒精，和其他一切令人“飘飘欲仙”的东西，都并非促进你们性爱的真正“好友”。虽然灌点“猫尿”，或者用点作用相仿的麻药毒品之类，可能会让你更“放得开”，身心束缚似乎有所减少，但是，越是对性爱鬼鬼祟祟、羞羞答答，越容易对成瘾伤身之物，不断加大滥用剂量，沉溺其中难以自拔。在醉醺醺的状态下，所有知觉都一片朦胧，床笫之乐也就荡然无存。我们追求真真切切的性愉悦感受，而非镇静剂下的浑浑噩噩、万事皆休。 【酒类属于镇静剂的一种；同时，也是世界卫生组织（WHO）确定的一级致癌物——证据充分、无可争议的致癌物。酒精和烟草、槟榔、甲醛、石棉，以及乙肝病毒（HBV）、丙肝病毒（HCV）、艾滋病毒（HIV）的慢性感染，均为一级致癌物。劝人喝酒，或者劝人吸烟、嚼槟榔、约炮之时“无套内射”，就像国内长期将石棉用作建筑材料一样，纯属害人，缺德无量。——译者】

For more problem-solving information, we have listed some good books about sex in the Resource Guide at the end of this book, and you can call or email San Francisco Sex Information (also in the Resource Guide) to discuss your question with a trained peer counselor.

针对其他更多问题的解决之道，笔者将相关信息——也就是性爱方面的书籍——在本书末尾的“资源导览”中，进行了打包列举。此外，你还可以向San Francisco Sex Information（旧金山性信息中心，“资源导览”中对此也有提及）打电话或者发邮件咨询，和与你颇有相似之处的专业咨询师，共同探讨相关问题。

性欲望

DESIRE

Both men and women can develop some resistance to sex, either from fear of not doing it well themselves or from disappointment in not getting their needs or their dreams fulfilled. Once any part of sex has become difficult, if it isn’t discussed and dealt with, resentments can build up. Responding to resistance by getting so pushy that you’re ignoring your partner’s signals to knock it off is definitely not an answer. Sweeping someone off their feet when they don’t want you to only works in movies. Avoid treating your partner as a resource for getting your rocks off: just because you got married does not mean you have a right to demand sex whenever you want it. What you can do is invite your partner to collaborate with you on a meander through the garden of earthly delights and discover what pleases both of you.

无论任何性别，谁都可能会对性爱，发生一些排斥和抗拒。究其原因，也许是担心自己做得不够完美；也许是自己并不爽，更无法同时满足双方，由此对性爱失望。当性爱的某些方面，成为你的难关，如果不与伴侣及时沟通，一起应对问题，彼此之间就会产生嫌隙。在此沟通中，切忌以自我为中心的急于求成，对伴侣发出的“暂停”、“暂缓”信号，浑然不觉或者故意熟视无睹。影视剧中常有这样的情节：只要通过一些手段，能够让一个对你毫无欲望的人，神魂颠倒地“拜倒在你脚下”。但这种事情，只会在虚构作品中发生，现实生活中不可能。绝不要将伴侣“物化”，将其当作自己的性快感“资源”；即使结了婚，也并不等于只要你有了性欲望，老伴儿就该随时配合、召之即来。你所能做的，是邀请你的伴侣，通过共同探讨，找到双方“性快感领域”的交集，并且，一起在这个领域中尽情徜徉，共享人间美好。

It is very rare that both partners have exactly the same desire for sex—that would be like insisting that you and your partner should have identical patterns of tidiness. To get through times when one partner is hungry for sex and the other is starving for sleep, a positive attitude toward masturbation is an utter plus. Sex with yourself doesn’t mean you’re a failure, it means that you enjoy yourself; it can make your relationship a lot easier, especially when you don’t have to hide it. One of your authors regularly goes to sleep with her partner curled up around her beating off while she reads herself to sleep with a good novel, both of them getting drowsy in their favorite way and all warm and cuddly.

伴侣双方的性欲望，几乎完全相同，这种情况极端罕见。就像对于“干净整洁”的看法，两口子也难免各有不同，谁也无法用自己的模板，作为别人的准绳。当其中一方想要做爱，另一方急于睡觉时，自慰即可解决问题：但其前提是，要对自慰持正面看法，别被“手淫有害健康”的谬论洗脑。和自己做爱，绝不意味着你“没人疼，没人爱”，而是意味着你懂得自我关怀，能够自得其乐。经常自慰，尤其是大大方方、不加遮掩的自慰，会让你在亲密关系中，更坦荡，更放松。本书的作者之一，经常在和伴侣一起睡觉前，面对伴侣蜷缩成一团的身体，一边性幻想一边自慰，如此共享温情和亲密。

So your first slut skill in keeping it hot is to talk to each other about the practical aspects of what works for each of you and scheme together to overcome any problems. Knowledge is the most powerful aphrodisiac.

综上所述，和伴侣之间“性保鲜”的头号“婊子大法”，莫过于针对“怎样做才能两全其美”等现实问题的相互沟通，以及，一旦出现问题，一起设法解决。充分的知情了解——认识你的伴侣，认识你自己——是效力最强的“春药”。

【练习题】你俩的性爱经历，哪一次最牛逼？

EXERCISE The Great Sex Story

Write a story about the best sex you ever had with your life partner. Get into the details, describes the sensations: the sounds, the smells, the pounding pulse, and such. Both of you write your stories—it might be a different episode, and that’s fine-and then share them. Talk about what made it so good for you.

把你和老伴儿之间，曾经发生过的最美好的性爱经历，诉诸笔墨，写在纸上。要深入到细节，描述出以下几种感受：声音、气味、冲击的节奏（如对彼此心跳和呼吸的感受，或者插入式性爱的节奏），以及你所能想到的林林总总。你和伴侣，各自书写——也许你俩所写的，并非同一段性爱经历，内容大不相同，这是正常现象——然后相互分享。一起谈谈：怎样做，会让各自感觉更爽。

你所想要的，究竟是什么？

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Some couples develop a groove, a satisfying script for sex that reliably works for both of them. Experimenting with new sensations in your sex life doesn’t mean giving up your groove, but rather adding some new tricks to your excellent repertoire. What’s already a good thing will remain good, and you will return to it again and again like a well that has very sweet water.

有些伴侣之间的性爱，会磨合出一套双方都很得心应手的“定式”，一个双方都能长期适用的“脚本”。在性生活中探索不一样的感受，并不等于放弃长期以来的良好经验，而是要在你们的日常菜单中，增加一些新的美味。现有的一切美好，都依然属于你，而且能够像井水一样，任你反复汲取，都将无穷无尽。

If the groove has become a rut, if it feels like a chore, if it is a source of repeated disappointment, it’s time to talk about expanding your options. Now might be a good time to do the “Yes, No, Maybe” exercise in chapter 21, “Sex and Pleasure,” being sure to include things that you’ve never tried but might like to. Looking at your partner’s list may be a mite shocking for starters—“I never knew you hated that!”—but after you recover from any surprises, you get to start into the future with a lot of really useful information about what works for both of you.

如果你和伴侣长期以来的“性爱定式”，已经变得老套、乏味，或者变成了类似“交公粮”的苦差事，不断为你们带来失望，那么，就到了亟需“扩充更多选项”的时刻。趁着现在，建议你和把伴侣，赶紧去做一次“可以，不行，也许”的练习题——就在本书第21章，《性爱、快感、情趣》之中。这个练习题，可以让你们明确：有哪些未曾尝试过的玩法，稍后便有望实行。如果你第一次做这个练习，大概会对伴侣所列举的清单，看罢有些震惊，例如：“我从不晓得，原来你非常不喜欢这种做法！”但是，当你会惊讶中回过神，就会放眼未来，掌握大量非常有用的信息，让之后的性爱互动，更好地满足彼此。

Compare your patterns of desire, and particularly look at the spectrum from brief encounters to production numbers. Do you like to have friendly, warm, cuddly sex on weeknights? Swift rocket trips surging to release? Do you dream of ecstatic journeys that could take up most of Saturday and maybe some of Sunday morning? Good sex travels the range from what Dossie calls “bread and butter” sex, the nourishing part of every meal, to fancy desserts that take enchanting hours to concoct. Production numbers obviously can’t happen every day, but luckily you don’t have to choose—you can have some of each.

你需要对自己五花八门的性欲望，进行分类、对比，尤其要留意审视自己的“欲望光谱”，例如，从与某一个人的约炮快餐，到和众多性伴侣一起的群体狂欢。你是否喜欢在平时下班后的夜晚，进行一场友好、温暖、充满肌肤之亲的性爱呢？让性爱“速战速决”，会使你更加轻松吗？你是否幻想在周六，或者在周日早晨，能够有人陪你进行一场“艳遇之旅”、一次“鱼水之欢”？本书作者之一的道茜认为：良好的性爱，涵盖了一个很大的范围，其中既可以包括“面包和黄油”一样的普通食物，以满足日常营养，也可以包括花样百出的“精致甜点”，需要为此准备很长时间。群情狂欢的性爱盛宴，无法成为每一天的家常便饭——但幸运的是，你的“欲望菜单”，还有其他很多“经济适用美餐”，随时随地任你去选。

Start by setting aside some time for pleasure—this may be harder than you think, but it’s very important. Waiting until the kids are in bed, the emails are answered, the chat lists have been checked, and you’ve watched the evening news and clucked over the terrible state of the world is a recipe for disappointment. Schedule it the way you’d schedule anything else that’s important to you, at a time when you’re most likely to have plenty of energy for it, and stick to your schedule whenever possible.

还有一个要点，可能超乎预料之难，那就是：满足性爱欲望的第一步，往往需要先把床笫之欢，暂且搁置在一边。当你终于忙完一天——哄睡了哭闹的孩子，回复了老板的邮件，和客户暂时掰扯完；喘口气看点晚间新闻，各种烂事令你更加糟心——此刻难免性味索然。对性爱进行规划，需要你率先安顿好性爱之外的其他。只有当你没有要务缠身，处于精力充沛的闲暇，“如何更爽”的谋划，才能落地发芽，而不会成为冷笑话。

【练习题】对日常生活，进行列表规划

EXERCISE List of Dates

Many couples in the hectic rush of things to do—children to raise, walls to paint, gardens to hoe, groceries to buy—find that it has been a long time since they spent time together for the purpose of having fun. Make a list of dates you could plan—beaches, brunch, dancing, games, sports, wrestling matches, that new restaurant—and figure out what you would need to do to make them happen. You and a partner or partners could make that list together, or you could each make a list. Try for at least five items.

很多有家有业的伴侣双方，都在为一大堆事情而奔忙：孩子要抚养，家务无止境，油盐酱醋样样操心。对这样的生活，已经习惯成自然；昔日为共享快乐而喜结连理的初衷，早已成为过眼云烟。但除此之外，你还想给自己的生活，加点什么“调味料”呢？去海边转转，一起吃顿饭，或者一起跳舞、打游戏、健身，还是去看相扑比赛，去尝尝附近新开张的饭馆？你需要将你的计划，列出日程清单，并且想清楚：你准备在具体的什么时间，做哪一件具体的事。你需要和你的老伴儿——或者更多的伴侣——一起制订日常生活的规划列表，或者先各自列表规划，再一起讨论、磨合。列表中，至少要包含五件事。

Then start scheduling. When you realize how hard that is, then you are also finding out how precious time spent with your partner truly is. An afternoon on a mountain is an important investment in your relationship.

然后，开始对列表中的事项进行选择、筹划，使之落地执行。当你意识到其中的困难，进而，你也会发觉，和伴侣在一起的时间，有多么珍贵。两口子花一个下午，一起爬山，这是一次巩固双方感情的重要投资。

一起寻找彼此的“性快感按钮”

FINDING YOUR TURN-ON TOGETHER

Turn-on is not the same thing as hard-on. Turn-on is about getting into the mood, about getting ready to focus on sensual and eventually sexual sensation.

“性快感按钮”，也就能能够令你“性奋”的事物，和阴茎勃起乃至所谓的“金枪不倒”之类，根本不是一码事。“性快感按钮”关系到你的心情，并且让你的身心，专注于肉欲刺激，最终唤起对“性”的积极感受。

Too many of us believe that turn-on is something that happens to us like the weather. Here’s an affirmation for you: “I know my turn-on is in here somewhere, and I can figure out how to find it.”

我们之中，一直有太多的人，都认定“性快感按钮”和天气类似，自身状况可以明确预测。“我知道我的‘性快感按钮’，已经离我不远，就在这两天的某个时间——究竟何时到来，是个什么状态，我都能够提前‘算’出来。”

Turn-ons may be visual, verbal, or sensual; they may rely on touch, sound, smell, or the sensations of muscles stretching and flexing. There are a thousand and more ways to get turned on. Make a list of your favorite turn-ons—not how you like to get off, but how you like to get started. Getting turned on is sort of like getting high, or waking up, or warming up—you are transitioning from one state of consciousness to another. This takes time, and it feels good.

事实上，“性快感按钮”多种多样，可能是你看到了什么东西，可能源于一句话或者一段文字，也可能来自你的某种感觉。“性快感按钮”因人而异、千姿百态，也许是肌肤触感，也许是声音传情，也许是某种气味，也许是肌肉拉伸时的莫名心动。你最喜欢的性唤起方式，或曰你的“性快感按钮”，能够想到哪些？赶快把它们写在纸上、列出清单吧！需要注意的是，你所要列举的“我最喜欢的性快感按钮”，指的是你唤起自己性欲望的“引子”，而不是让你达到高潮、进而下坡的因素，更不是结尾的余音。【例如，当你看到肌肉帅哥被裸身捆绑的剧情，往往会产生类似性唤起的身心反应，此类剧情就是你的“性快感按钮”之一。再如，你经常觉得自己的老伴儿，身穿军警制服时，格外的性感，“老伴儿穿军警制服”是你的另一个“性快感按钮”。做爱之前令你不经意间格外性奋的某句话，或者某个神态、动作，也都属于此类。这些都是唤起你性欲望的开始因素。然而，如果你在做爱中，女友一边叫床一边喊你“乖孙子”，或者你一边浪叫一边对女友喊“爸爸”，这样会让你更快达到高潮；再或者，你喜欢在做爱之后，一边嚼口香糖一边回味——叫床时的特定催情话语，和口香糖等，显然都不能算作你的“性快感按钮”。——译者注】当“性快感按钮”被触发启动，在一定程度上，就像心情澎湃高昂，或者忽然从梦中苏醒，以及运动比赛前舒展筋骨、进入状态的热身——你的感知状态，由此发生了不一样的转变；这个过程难免花点时间，却也是一种美好的体验。

Sexologists who study arousal tell us that turn-on depends on two things: safety and risk. You need to feel safe from harm, and secure that your conditions will be met and your wants and needs honored. You also need to feel a little like being at the top of a ski jump, on the threshold of something miraculous and powerful. New relationships can be very hot because there is still a lot of riskiness, but mature relationships need to seek out ways to take a little risk, to step beyond the comfortable and the familiar into something new and a little challenging.

一些性学家针对性唤起的研究，认为“性快感按钮”的触发启动，依赖于两类因素：安全感，和冒险感。这里的安全感，是你确定自己不会受到伤害，并且感受到：我所期待的条件，都得到了满足，我的欲望和需求，都得到了尊重。与此同时，你还需要一点类似高空跳台的冒险感。这让你觉得自己的下一刻，即将达到某种既精彩又强大的状态，只要勇敢迈出临门一脚就能“跃龙门”、“登金殿”。新建立的亲密关系，会伴随着激情四射的热恋，因为其中充满对未来的不确定性或曰冒险感；而当亲密关系步入成熟期，也需要从外面寻得一些能够带来少许“冒险感”的方式。这就需要你和伴侣携起手来，勇于迈开脚步，跨出日常熟悉的舒适区，进入有一点挑战性的新领域。

可行之道，何止千条

Infinite Possibilities

Looking for your turn-on can be a lot like looking for ways you can nourish your relationship. Here’s a list of some possibilities that you might find useful.

寻找自己和伴侣的“性快感按钮”，这在很大程度上，无异于寻找彼此关系的“保鲜养料”。以下是一些可行之道的抛砖引玉，或将于你有所助益。

Dress up, clean up, wake up. 好好打扮下自己，让自己既干净又漂亮地“觉醒重生”。
Prepare your environment—fancy sheets, candles, music. 精心营造你们的小环境，例如换上颜色鲜亮的床单，点上精致的蜡烛，播放些有韵味的音乐。
Allow plenty of time—start your date three hours early, out somewhere. 当你和别人约会，或者和伴侣一起参加类似“夫妻交友”的群交活动，一定要留出充足的时间，提前三小时就要走出家门，让自己进入性致勃发的状态。
Go to the sex store. 逛逛情趣用品店。
Talk about your fantasies (go ahead, blush). 和老伴儿一起，聊聊各自的性幻想（即使觉得难为情，也要大胆老脸地继续下去）。
Play an erotic board game. 和老板一起玩有色情内容的桌游。 【例如走到某一步，要用至少三分钟，对伴侣详细描述自己最近的一次性爱经历，或者，当场用自己梦中情人的名字，称呼自己的老伴儿。——译者注】
Massage gently with favorite oils, nice and slow…maybe with a blindfold on one of you…or both of you. 配上最喜欢的精油，轻柔地按摩、爱抚彼此。也许还可以蒙上眼睛，既可以一个人蒙上，也可以双方都蒙上。
Get silly. 做点幼稚的事、冒傻气的事。 【例如“我们一起学猫叫，一起喵喵喵喵喵”之类。——译者注】
Neck in the car like teenagers. 在车里，像十几岁时初恋一样，和伴侣抱着脖子亲吻。
Hold each other while you cry. 当你哭泣时，和伴侣相互依偎在一起。
Make a dinner and eat it with your fingers. 做一顿大餐，和伴侣一起，用手抓着吃。
Eat some very good chocolates and taste each other’s lips. 吃点彼此都很喜欢的巧乐力，然后互相舔彼此的嘴唇。
Read an erotic book together—out loud. 一起阅读色情书籍或者“小黄文”——要大声朗诵。
Watch a movie you both find sexy. 有没有哪部电影，你和伴侣都觉得充满激情、身心有反应？那就一起再看一遍吧！
Go together to a strip club. 一起去脱衣舞俱乐部，或者参加裸体活动。
Go to the hot tub spa and soak. 一起在热水桶里泡澡。
Go anywhere in Nature and make out. 出去打野炮，随性所至，去哪都好。
Make your dates special any way you can. 尽你所能，来一场特别的约会。

情感联结，最为关键

Get Connected First

There’s a reason why dates usually include dinner: dinner, whether out or in, is a great place to connect, to talk, to get caught up, and then maybe plot an adventure. Going out to dinner gives you time to dress up sexy, which is much more fun than washing dishes.

约会，往往会包含一起吃顿饭。因为无论下馆子还是在家吃，都为彼此的情感联结，提供了一个绝佳的环境，能够一起聊天、共同参与，接下来，也许就会商量好，共同前行、探索未来。相比之下，去外面吃，会带来更好的体验，把更多时间用于自我打扮，毕竟胜过刷盘洗碗。 【“约会时在外面吃，比在家里吃更好”，这是本书作者的个人感受，未必具有普适性，不同的人，个体差异很大。尤其是和长期伴侣，为了“给生活加点料”的约会，更多的破费，可能适得其反。——译者】

Remember when you are on a date and when you’re not—some people don’t like being felt up while they’re washing the dishes. (Others do, of course, so you have to communicate about this too.)

约会时的状态，和平时的状态，难免有所不同，对这一点，你要认清。但一个人刷盘子做家务时，如果被别人爱抚、调情，有些人很反感，也有些人很喜欢。至于你的伴侣，究竟是什么样，这需要你就此与之沟通。 【而不要“己之所爱，施之于人”，一厢情愿地认为别人都“应该”和你一样。哪怕是长期的老伴儿，也不要自认为知晓对方的一切：也许过去你一直都在胡乱脑补，也许对方过去的状态，并不适用于当下。——译者】

【练习题】“没有流程”的直接约会

EXERCISE The Process-Free Date

Agree to go out and do something you like together. During this date, do not talk about any problems, in your relationship, or at work, or with the kids, or in the economy, or whatever. One couple we know went out for dinner and dancing and pretended it was their first date. They danced like teenagers and came home to have lovely sex that felt, somehow, renewed.

和你的老伴儿一起出去，一起做点开心的事。在这场“约会”的时间里，谁也不要谈论涉及彼此亲密关系、日常工作、抚养孩子以及柴米油盐之类的任何操心问题。笔者所知的一对伴侣，曾假装成第一次约会的样子，一起出去吃饭，像重返花季雨季一般共同跳舞。当这老两口回到家，甜蜜地做爱时，两个人都觉得，彼此的亲密感在某种程度上，得到了刷新，进入了“第二春”。

在床上

IN BED

When you get to the bed, being equally turned on is not a requirement; you can both get there with a little time and cheerful cooperation. The more ready person can help the other person catch up. Try out what sex therapists call “nondemand pleasuring,” which adds up to anything you know your partner likes, without pushing them further. Try an experiment where you agree that one partner will set out to arouse the other in the way the receptive partner chooses—with no obligations, and no blame if it doesn’t work.

当你和伴侣回到家，刚刚一起上床时，并不需要两个人一模一样地性奋。在床上，你们不妨多花点时间，相互挑逗——肩并着肩手牵着手，共同迈向身心性奋的目标。这是一种愉悦的合作。欲火更旺的那个人，不妨设法帮助另一个人，争取让双方“齐头并进”。尝试下性心理治疗师所说的“单纯地取悦对方，对任何回馈都不作预设期待，更不执著要求” 【nondemand pleasuring，这个词汇在汉语环境里，没有普遍认可的权威翻译——译者注】 。也就是说，尽你所知所能，给予伴侣所喜欢的一切，但不要进一步“推动”伴侣作出反馈。和伴侣一起做个实验吧：其中一个人，道出自己想要的被挑逗方式，另一个人则全盘照此去做，尽力满足ta——这不是为了达成什么目标，谁也不要有“义务感”的压力；即使挑逗没能奏效，谁也不要责备谁。

【这一段的内容，也许会让一些读者想到一个词语，来进行总结：前戏（foreplay）。如果你也这样想，译者虽然可以理解，但不得不说：此言差矣，大谬不然！——盖所谓“前戏”以及“后戏”（afterplay）云云，都隐含着这样一个预设认知：“插入式性行为，是性爱的核心要素，乃至性爱的全部。”或者说，“爱抚、挑逗等前戏和后戏，就像正餐之前的开胃菜，和餐后的甜点。”——如此预设认知，不但狭隘，而且错误。绝大多数人，自身能够获得性快感的方式，都有很多种类型，而“插入或者被插入”，也许，只是上述的多种类型之一，也许，并不是当下想要的方式。不少多年伴侣之所以“长期没有性爱”，一个常见原因，就是太过执著于“插入或者被插入”：如果失去了对插入式性行为的热情，爱抚、亲吻等也显得多余；明明除了“插入”之外还有不少其他类型的性欲望，却不晓得如何表述、如何协商、如何相互满足。尤其是，对于很多人尤其是女性而言，“被插入”未必能够达到性高潮，甚至未必会觉得爽。须知，阴道内所谓G点的具体位置，或者G点的有无，个体差异极大；而更大比例的女性，更敏感、更能带来性快感的位置，是阴蒂（clit，更规范的学名是clitoris）。刺激阴蒂根本无须插入。还有为数不少的男人，认为只要阴茎更大更长，就能让被插入的女方更爽：这又是一个谬论。绝大多数女性的阴道，越是深处，敏感度越低；既有阴道G点，而且G点偏巧在阴道深处的女性，所占比例很低。顺便一提，国内医学界早就深知上述常识，但走向了另一个极端——刮宫手术经常不打麻药，造成为数众多的女患者痛苦不堪。群体的“普遍”状况，不能轻易用于具体的个人：就像大多数人最重要的性快感器官，其实是皮肤，肌肤之间的亲密接触；但也与为数众多的例外者，比如有的人对肌肤接触非常排斥，或者对爱抚没什么感觉，只有插入式性行为才能满足。——可叹的是，很多伴侣之间，并没有针对上述问题，针对“我自己是什么情况”、“你又是怎样的情况”，做好充分沟通，遑论针对“我的一部分性欲望，伴侣注定难以满足我，这些究竟该怎么办”，进行探讨、达成共识。——译者】

享受其中的过程

GETTING THERE IS HALF THE FUN

Whatever you choose to try, please try something. You have to do something different if you want a different outcome.

无论你们想要尝试什么，都不要仅仅流于空想，一定要付出一些实际行动。如果你渴望不一样的未来，现在就必须去做些不一样的事情。

None of this works every time. Simply making the effort is progress, even when one particular attempt doesn’t pan out. Setting aside time with the intention to hunt for your turn-on is the best way to start, and if you set out to get sexy and you don’t get all the way there, you can still enjoy the journey.

没有哪种方法，是随时都能奏效的万金油。即使某次尝试徒劳无功，也全然无妨，你只要继续“猪突猛进”便可。一个绝佳的开始，是腾出专门的时间，专用于追寻自己的激情快感。即使最后你没能达成自己所期待的性感目标，也依然可以享受这场性福之旅。

Consult your “Yes” lists and scheme together for a brief encounter on a weeknight. Schedule a time when you can have a twelve-hour date—yes, twelve whole hours—without being interrupted. Go out to dinner, to a beach, hiking—whatever you like. Come home, shower the sweat off together, light the candles, and see what happens next.

查看下你的“可以”清单 【就是前文所述的、针对开放关系的“可以，不行，也许”练习题——译者】 ，和你的伴侣一起，筹划一场周末的“偶然艳遇”。设法腾出12小时以上的空闲时间，确保在这12小时间不被打扰（你没看错，确实是完完整整的连续12小时），专门用来与某个人约会。你们尽管随心所欲，无论出去吃饭，或者去海边、去远足，都行。约会之后回到家里，和约会的情人，或者你的老伴儿，一起洗个澡，点上蜡烛，看看接下来会发生什么。

第16章 让现有的亲密关系，成为开放关系