第17章 如何结识更多同道中人？
第四卷 婊子有爱，情欲无疆 （Part Four SLUTS IN LOVE）
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN Making Connection
ANY MEMBER OF A SEXUAL minority faces special challenges in finding partners and friends—and, as a slut or slut-wannabe, you are most assuredly a member of a sexual minority. Polyamory is not readily understood or accepted in very many social environments. If you’re also gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or interested in a specialized area of sexuality such as cross-dressing or S/M, you are doubly or triply challenged. And yet making the connections of your dreams is not only possible but eminently achievable, as many thousands of abundantly connected sluts can happily attest.
如果你的性爱方式，和所谓的“社会主流”规范，有些不太一致，那么，无论你寻找同道好友还是征求亲密伴侣，都难免是个大难题。作为骚气侧漏的婊子，或者是正在悄然松开自己身心的无形铁链、期待拥有性自由的“婊子候补生”，你显然已经自绝于社会主流规范，属于“性少数”的一员。在这个社会的很多角落、很多场合，打破“专一”束缚的多边关系，依然得不到理解和接受。如果你同时还是同性恋者、双性恋者、跨性别者，或者，热衷于异装、虐恋等较为小众的性活动，你所面临的挑战，大概不是翻一番，就是乘以三。然而，和梦寐以求的同道中人建立联系，这绝非异想天开，而是完全可以实现：数以千百万计的婊子们，早已做到了这点，其中的每一个人，都是喜结良缘、性爱双全的绝佳典范。
However, we’d be the last people to tell you that it will always be easy. We’ve heard, and lived, too many sad, frustrating stories about near misses: partners who are fine with an open relationship until someone falls in love, at which point they freak out and demand monogamy; or partners who rhapsodize about sexual openness and free love in principle but fall apart when faced with the reality (Janet says these remind her of the dog who chases cars all his life, then can’t figure out what to do with one when he catches it). Some partners may become successfully polyamorous but come to a time when their needs, desires, and limits simply don’t fit together well enough—after all, sex is not the only or the most important aspect that determines the way we relate.
“婊子找伴侣，其实很容易”，这对你而言，也许是“空前绝后”的怪论——除了笔者的作品之外，其他地方再难看到。我们平时所听闻、所经历的，往往是多不胜数的失败故事，既可悲可叹，又令人沮丧。例如，某对处于开放关系的伴侣，一度状态良好，但忽有一天，其中的某一方，在亲密关系之外遇到了自己的“真爱”，渴望建立彼此专属的一对一关系：于是，无论开放关系，还是之前的家庭和老伴儿，都乐极生悲地坍塌崩溃。或者，某个人曾经对开放关系，充满诗情画意的蓝图，然而一旦面对现实问题，便手足无措，最终和自己的“一帘幽梦”分道扬镳。（后一种情况，令本书作者之一的珍妮特，联想到她的一只狗：这只狗总喜欢追着汽车跑，但每次当它追上汽车后，并不晓得接下来怎么办。于是，这条狗一辈子都在尽力“追求”汽车，自始至终一无所得、徒劳无功。）此外，还有一些开放关系一度运转良好的伴侣，到了某个时刻，彼此的需求、欲望和界限，就越发难以调和，于是缘尽散伙——毕竟，人际之间的情缘，最重要的因素往往并不是性爱；更不要把性爱，当作亲密关系的唯一纽带。
【为什么我们的记忆里，对开放关系，以及各种有悖于“主流规范”的亲密关系，例如同性恋、所谓的“早恋”，或者“门不当，户不对”的跨越社会阶层的恋爱等，都往往会充满“最终失败”的负面案例呢？这个问题，值得探讨。译者认为：首先，是“好事不出门，坏事传千里”，或曰“狗咬人不是新闻，人咬狗才是新闻”——无论其中，有多少人长期享受着稳稳的性福，都很难成为话题谈资，ta们的状况或曰更大概率下的客观现实，无法进入大众话题的“议程设置”（agenda setting），足以成为被大家视而不见的“房间里的大象”。这是一切新闻包括小道消息的天然特性；通过新闻（广义）所反映的“现实”，往往并非大多数人日常生活的真实状况，而是沃尔特·李普曼所说的“拟态环境”（pseudo-environment）。第二，是我们对各种问题、各种“事故”，往往会通过自己的简单脑补，迅速给出自以为是的归因——心理学家将此人之常情的“毛病”，称为“认知吝啬鬼”（cognitive miser）。例如同样是离婚，如果是和其他大多数人没啥区别的一对一伴侣，我们大概会归因于“七年之痒”，或者“社会风气如此，导致离婚率高”等等；但如果涉及开放关系，我们就难免瞬间将矛头指向开放关系，认为这便是导致种种问题的根源。其背后的第三个因素是：我们即使在“理智层面”认同开放关系，或者，认定自己绝不歧视LGBT+等性少数群体，绝无针对某些社会阶层、某些种族、某些国家公民的歧视，但事实上，我们长期生活在此类歧视和污名广泛存在并且浓度极高的环境中（这也算是柏杨所说的“酱缸”），很难不受到深入骨髓、内化于心的熏染。此外，就中国内地而言，还有更加不容忽视的第四个因素：言论和信息的审查机制。例如近年来的影视剧，“第三者”不能有好结局，否则很难过审。“天网恢恢”言论审查和信息过滤，让这个社会，成为铁屋子一般的信息茧房。对开放关系者，和形形色色的“越轨”者，唯有朝着丑化的方向，虚构其“悲惨下场”，才有望通过审查，成为大众的猎奇噱头；大多数人所能够听到看到的相关内容，无论真实的还是虚构的，清一色都是“违背主流道德规范者，注定没有好下场”。于是，“谎言重复一千遍，也就成了真理”。尽管每个人都或多或少会萌生一些“越轨”的欲望，但多数人都难免畏缩不前，乃至形成自我否定的负罪感、自我厌弃的耻辱感。——顺便一提，上述几个因素，往往不是各自独立的，而是经常会相互强化，互为因果。——译者 】
Yet many people do succeed in finding each other, for relationships ranging from casual to lifetime. So, how do you find friends, lovers, and potential partners who not only share your values and beliefs, but are also emotionally, intellectually, and sexually compatible with you?
然而，确有为数众多的“不守妇道”的男人、女人和各种性别之人，都成功地找到了和自己般配的婊子同道，彼此之间的亲密关系类型，从露水夫妻到终身伴侣，像七色光谱一样五花八门、应有尽有。那么，要想寻找到众多志同道合的朋友、情人，和未来的伴侣——不但和你“三观契合”，而且在性格、认知和性爱等方面，也都与你相匹配——究竟应当怎样去做？
谁，是你所要寻找的目标？
Section titled “谁，是你所要寻找的目标？”Who?
A good place to start is by getting an idea of who you’re looking for. The trick in making this decision is to be neither too specific nor too vague. If your “who” list basically includes anybody who is breathing and who is willing to have sex with you, we suggest that you are perhaps broadening your field a bit too much. Even if you don’t have strong preferences about gender, age, appearance, background, or intelligence, you probably do want someone who will not lie to you, steal from you, hurt you, or exploit you: basic sanity, honesty, and respectfulness are on most of our lists. It is also perfectly fine to acknowledge those preferences that are genuinely important to you: if you prefer men to women, or people your own age to people much older or younger, nobody is going to report you to the Equal Opportunity Commission.
你不妨把“明确自己要找什么样的人”，作为寻爱之旅的始发车站。其中的要点，是你对目标人群的预设条件，既不能太细致，也不能太模糊。如果你对目标人群的“条件列表”，几乎无异于“只要是个能喘气的活人，并且愿意和我做爱，我就会同意”，那么笔者不得不说：你的视野未免太过宽泛，根本没有“往哪里走”的大致方向可言。即使你对目标人群的性别、年龄、外表、身世和学识等，都不大在意，没有对某种类型的更强偏好，也至少会要求，对方不能骗你、讹你、害你，或者剥削压榨你。所以你的“条件列表”中，通常都应包括通情达理、真诚可信、有责任心等最基本的人品要求。此外，如果你更喜欢和异性恋爱，或者偏爱“老少恋”（喜欢比你明显年长或者明显年轻的人），这些条件都需要你明确讲出来——没有人会觉得这是歧视，把你告到“平等机会委员会”。
On the other hand, if your “who” list reads like a set of technical specifcations—gender, age, weight, height, coloring, mode of dress, educational background, breast size, penis size, sexual kinks—we suspect that you may be more interested in making love to your own fantasy than you are to a real, live person. Many of us, unfortunately, are conditioned to react sexually to a rather unrealistic standard of appearance and behavior: porn queens and kings are fun to watch in the movies, but they rarely appear in our living rooms.If you expect your new honey to be gorgeous, intelligent, loving, and highly sexual all the time, you are almost certainly setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment—few people can achieve those standards, and nobody can maintain them twenty-four hours a day.
再看看同样不可取的另一个极端。如果你“想找什么人”的条件列表，就像一套详尽的技术规格——性别、年龄、体重、身高、肤色、穿着风格、教育背景、乳房或阴茎的型号大小、特殊的性口味——那么笔者就会觉得，你所感兴趣的做爱对象，其实是你幻想出来的角色，而非现实世界的活人。可叹的是，我们当中的很多人，都把自己的性爱情趣，建立在虚幻的沙滩上，痴迷于不切实际的外在标准和行为规范——色情片中的“公主”和“王者”，只适合在屏幕中观赏，但在现实生活中、在实际的卧室里，则几乎不会出现。 【译者再补充三句话。第一句：“处女情结”，和对所谓“贞操”的偏好，也同样不切实际——须知，几乎所有人，都曾在幼童时期乃至胎儿时期多次自慰，都具备身经百战的老婊子资历；随便一个十几岁的人，大都早就有了两个炮友，也就是自己的口腔（胎儿期），和自己的手。译者接下来要说的第二句是：期待自己的所爱之人，从此专爱你一人，往往也是一种不切实际的幻想——那些白头偕老相濡以沫的老夫老妻，至少一方曾经婚外“劈腿”的，占据一半以上（参看《金赛性学报告》，内地有潘绥铭教授的简略译本）。最后以第三句作为概括：总而言之，形形色色的“性保守”择偶观，其不切实际的程度，丝毫不亚于期待伴侣永葆青春美貌，除了徒增焦虑、庸人自扰之外，剩下的，唯有自欺欺人。——译者注 】 如果你期待自己新结识的甜心宝贝，集美貌、才智和可爱的性格于一身，而且随时都能与你上床做爱，那么，你几乎等于将自己置于“注定一辈子都会不断失望”的境地。很少有人能够同时具备这些条件，尤其是，任何人都无法每天24小时，随时保持这样的完美状态。 【同理，如果你期待某个人，能够满足你的全部欲望，往往也不现实。即使“三观投合”这一点，都非常难以完全做到：即使你本人，去年的很多想法，也难免和今年颇多不同；或者说，即使处于不同时期的你自己，穿越时空隧道，组成“多人同居”的大家庭，都可能会经常争吵。所以，一方面，你和任何人长期亲密接触，都需要相互妥协，都需要经常“和稀泥”；另一方面，既然没有一个人能够满足你的全部欲望、全部需求，那么，一对一的专属爱情，致命的局限性，也就不言自明。比如适合一起生活的人，未必在性爱上“对味”；和你性爱“对味”的人，未必适合一起生活。因此，善于和不同的人，相互满足不同的欲望和需求，堪称现代人——质疑传统、坚持自由、主动追寻幸福生活之人——的必备技能。 】
We can’t tell you the exact cutoff point at which a healthy preference becomes an unrealistic desire; only you can look inside yourself to do that. We do think that physical appearance, wealth, and social status have very little to do with the person behind them, and if any of those criteria appear high up on your “who” list, you may be a little bit stuck in your fantasy. Try getting to know some people who don’t meet those criteria. We have a hunch that if you get to know them and like them, you will discover that they have their own unique beauties, just waiting there for someone to notice them.
针对“你究竟要找什么类型的人”的条件列表，在过于笼统和过于细致的两个极端之间，“截至此处刚好，否则过犹不及”的平衡点，究竟在哪里？对这个问题，笔者无法告诉你一个精准的答案。唯有你自己，才能通过对内在自我的审视，探索适合你本人的解答。笔者坚信，一个人的身体外貌、财富多寡和社会地位，和此人能够与什么样的人相爱、相伴，几乎完全无关。如果你的条件列表中，对某项标准的要求明显非常高，这反而会限制你的头脑和视野，阻碍你对更多性福机遇的想象力。 【例如，你对年龄非常在意，只想找20-25岁之间的。那么，你难免会对这个年龄段的人，充满很多自己的脑补。而事实上，面相和身材比实际年龄显小或者显大很多的人，数量也很多。这就难免导致：一方面，经常觉得那些和你现实见面的人，往往与你事先脑补、预期的样子，大不相符，让你一次次失望透顶；另一方面，很多也许更适合你的人，连和你交流的机会的都没有，就被你根据其年龄资料，简单粗暴地否定掉。——译者 】 因此，你不妨经常和各种“条件不尽符合自己预期标准”的人，尝试着交流，多一些更为全面的了解。笔者一直有这样的直觉：对乍看上去并不符合自己要求的人，如果你深入了解，或许也会逐渐喜欢，并且发觉其独特的魅力——“ta是悠悠一抹斜阳，多想多想有谁懂得欣赏”。
【练习题】机场游戏
Section titled “【练习题】机场游戏”EXERCISE The Airport Game
Next time you find yourself in a public place like an airport or mall, find a place to sit where you can look at people without drawing attention to yourself. Then, for each person you look at, imagine: What is this person’s lover’s favorite thing about them? Do they have a strong stride, a sweet smile, bright eyes, powerful shoulders, hair that looks soft to the touch? Pretty much everybody is, or has been, loved by someone—see if you can see what makes this particular person lovable and lustworthy, even if they’re not the kind of person you’re used to seeing that way.
当你下一次，处于某个大型公共场所——例如机场，或者商厦——找个不会引起别人注意，同时你能够很好地观察别人的地方，坐下来。然后，针对你所观察到的每一个人，设想下：ta的情人，最喜欢ta的哪一点？是步伐稳健，还是笑容甜美，或者是目光清澈、肩臂健壮、秀发轻柔……？几乎每一个人，都会被其ta的某些人所喜爱、所迷恋——看一看，你能否对任何一个特定之人，都觉察到ta的可爱之处，和令人产生性欲望之处；哪怕这个人，长久以来至今，都并非让你“来电”的类型。
An important note: even people who are gorgeous or rich or busty or whatever don’t usually like to feel that their beauty, their wallet, or their breasts are their most attractive quality. Those who partner successfully with them often consider such qualities a happy bonus that has little or nothing to do with why they chose that person in the first place.
有个要点，需要留意：即使非常美貌、富裕、性感的人，也往往感受不到自己的这些因素，会对其ta某些人最具有吸引力。与之成为伴侣的人，对其上述优点，也往往只是当作类似添头的彩蛋，“大年三十逮只兔子——有它过年，没它照样过年”；尤其是，对方的这类优点，和自己当初之所以选择此人作为伴侣，几乎没啥关联。
上哪儿，去寻找你的目标之人?
Section titled “上哪儿，去寻找你的目标之人?”Where?
Where do sluts gather? What are your best-bet venues for finding the bedmate, playmate, or lifemate of your dreams?
究竟什么地方，众多婊子聚集？如果想要找个梦寐以求的炮友、狎友，或者能够白头偕老的爱侣，最佳场所，到底在哪？
In the decade since we first wrote this book, the answer to that question has changed a great deal.“Polyamory” is now listed in the Oxford English Dictionary. Newspapers, magazines, and websites worldwide have run detailed articles describing this strange new lifestyle. Support groups have sprung up in all major U.S. cities and many smaller ones; several larger annual conferences draw connection-minded sluts from all over the world.
较之当年（上世纪末）笔者撰写本书初稿时，上述问题的答案，已经有了很大的改变。如今的《牛津英语词典》，已经收录了“多边恋”（Polyamory）这个新词汇；对这种“非主流”的生活方式，在报纸、杂志和网络上，都出现了不少细致入微的描述文字。在美国的各大城市，以及很多小城镇，都有对多边恋爱者、开放关系者的支持小组 【类似服务于LGBT+人群，或者华裔移民等特定群体的民间公益团队——译者注 】 。此外还有一些年度盛会，吸引了来自世界各地、乐于和同道中人交流的“风流骚客”。
It is impossible to list here the wide variety of polyamory-related venues that are available to you, because there are too many and they change too fast, but we have listed a number of them in our Resource Guide. One small caveat: there are almost as many definitions of the word“polyamory” as there are people using it. You may find yourself confronting people who insist that whatever you’re doing (swinging, fuck-buddy circles, casual play, group sex, whatever) isn’t really polyamory: the most conservative definition of the term encompasses only long-term committed multipartner relationships. Our strategy for dealing with this issue is to smile sweetly and agree:“OK, what I’m doing isn’t polyamory by your definition.”
和多边恋爱相关的人际交流渠道，究竟有哪些，能够为你所用？谁也无法为你列出清单， 因为这些渠道，不但数量繁杂，而且缘生缘灭变化多样。笔者在本书末尾的“资源导览”中，也只能为你略举数例，抛砖引玉。有个需要警觉的“小贴士”：须知，对“多边恋”的理解，几乎每一个使用这个词汇的人，彼此都难免有所不同。你可能会面临这样的情境：很多人坚持认为，你所说所做的很多“典型”——比如“换偶”游戏、圈内好友彼此“性福共享”，兴之所至的偶然“放纵”、“聚众淫乱”的群体性爱，等等——都并非“真正意义上”的多边恋。“多边恋”一词的最保守定义，仅仅指代“长期稳定的、不少于三个人共享的亲密关系”。当我们遇到这种情况，不妨呵呵一笑：“你说得对！我所做的，确实不符合你对‘多边恋’的定义。”
If, for whatever reason, the online polyamory community doesn’t feel like the right place for your quest, there are many options for seeking out other sluts in person. It is difficult to find sluts in dance clubs—the music is often too loud for an exchange of ideas or ambitions.Try searching the web for “ethical slut munch”or “polyamory munch” in your area, and meet some people who like to get together and talk about the lifestyle. We find a lot of ethical sluts exploring alternative realities: try your local Society for Creative Anachronism and other historical re-enactment groups, and know that many Renaissance Faires are practically sluts’ trade conferences. Check out science fiction conventions or live action role-playing game groups. If your sluttery has a spiritual leaning, many groups of neopagans are far more open than traditional Judeo-Christian religions to alternative lifestyles. (Many others aren’t, so don’t make any untoward assumptions.)
无论出于什么原因，如果网上的多边关系社区，对你的交友探索，并非适合之处，你依然有很多其他的方式可以选择，总能让你找到很多现实中的婊子。与很多人的直觉不同，歌舞厅其实并非约会的好地方，因为这类场所的音乐噪音太大，相互之间很难进行交谈，遑论沟通彼此的观点和追求。（在美国各地）你可以通过网络，用特定的关键词，搜寻你所在地区的“婊子同好会”，从而见到一些乐于聚会、愿意交流自己生活方式的同道中人。就笔者所知，很多婊子都喜欢在各种不同方面，探索和营造非主流的生活方式。为此，你不妨搜索下你附近的“花式反潮流社团”（Society for Creative Anachronism），或者类似的热衷于“再造”或曰“恶搞”历史文化的团体。欧美很多城市每年举办的文艺复兴集市，往往也是能够吸引很多婊子前来光顾的现实场所，甚至无异于众多婊子相互确认眼神的“交易区”。此外，还可以关注下科幻爱好者的聚会，或者角色扮演类的线下活动 【例如吸引很多cosplay爱好者的漫展——当然，必须有较大的容许尺度。近年来内地的漫展，很可能不在其中。——译者注 】 。如果你的非主流性欲望，和“灵修”之类能够扯上关系，那么，很多新兴的宗教团体，也是个不错的去处——它们远比脱化于犹太教的传统基督教，更加开放，更能包容形形色色的非主流生活方式。（不过，也有一些新兴宗教，未必比美国主流的基督教更加开放，因此，在没有了解具体情况下，不要凭着脑补作出预设，以免自找麻烦。）
【本书（第二版）出版于2009年，当时安卓系统的手机，以及iPhone，都刚刚出现不久；或者说，作者撰写、修订这一段的文字时，正处于“移动互联网时代”的前夕。因此如今这些年来，更为主流的“探寻同道中人”的交友渠道——从Facebook、X等大杂烩式的在线社区，到各种小众的App——本书都无从预知，无法提供相关内容。也许你还有另一个疑问：“为什么本书作者在这里，只字不提YouTube（创立于2005年）和Pornhub（创立于2007年）等视频网站？”作者大概不会不了解此类网站。译者换位思考：如果让我为刚开始探索多边关系的新人，推荐在线交友渠道，我也不会推荐抖音（Tik Tok）之类，因为，即使经验老到之人，若在此类视频网站，寻找可以“奔现”的同道好友，也难免效率非常低。盖此类网站的视频，主要是博取关注流量的表演（包括推销），目标受众是不特定的大众，这和以“寻找适合自己之人”为目的的在线交友，是截然不同的逻辑。上述道理，阅历远比译者更为丰富的本书作者，想必不会不知。——译者 】
Another good place to look can be in workshops, seminars, and gatherings that have to do with human sexuality or intimacy. While cruising is, understandably, not allowed at some of these activities (people baring their souls are doing difficult work that can be disturbed by having to be on guard against unwanted advances), graduates often go on meeting socially long after the actual session is over. There are also several regional and national conferences about sexuality and intimacy, and these are attended by many kindred slutty spirits.
还有一类很不错的场所，你也可以进去看看：关于人类性学研究或者亲密关系的工作坊、研讨会或者聚会活动。其中一些活动，需要恪守言行边界，不方便对其ta人进行露骨的勾引。（毕竟，让一群萍水相逢之人聚在一起，每个人都能袒露自己的真心，共同探讨私密话题，这谈何容易？如果其中有人故意做出令其ta人感到不适的行为，足以导致相互信任的环境，由此荡然无存。）然而，当结课之后，学员之间依然可以保持联系，这时线下约见，就完全没有问题。此外，还有各种性学大会——从区域会议到全国会议都有不少——其中不少常客，都是相互投缘的风骚大婊。
When you go to events where you can expect to meet like-minded folk, you will usually need to invest a little time in becoming a member of the group you are visiting. Start out by making friends, and don’t be friendly only to people you want to cruise. Make as many friends as you can, and people will start to trust you. One good initial tactic is to go find some people like yourself, not your ideal opposite number, and make friends with them. If they are like you, they probably know people you will like.
当你前去参加此类活动，期待遇到和自己“臭味相投”的伙伴，你经常需要花些时间，设法成为其中的一员。即使你纯粹以交友为目的，也不要只盯着你想要勾搭的某个人——对这个小圈子里，你所并无性趣的更多其ta人，也不要明显冷落。你要尽量和其中的更多人成为好朋友，唯有如此，这个圈子里的常客们，才会对你产生信任。和大家刚见面时，一个很管用的技巧，是尽快找到一些和你具有较多共同点的人——而不是和你般配的人——与之成为朋友。如果这些人和你类似，那么，ta们可能会认识一些你所喜欢的人。
Most of these gathering places and events are made possible by a lot of hard-working volunteers, so the absolute number one best way to get to know people in a group you like is to volunteer to do something useful: greet folks at the door, help with refreshments, join the clean-up crew. You will meet a ton of people and they will be grateful to you. Both of your authors have become valued members of many communities by helping out and by offering our living rooms as meeting places to support groups and social functions. Generally, we get a friendly crew to help us set up and to clean up afterward. Then we don’t even have to leave home to attend.
上述各类聚会、活动，其中的绝大多数，都离不开众多志愿者的劳动付出。所以，当你对一个小团体感兴趣，想要结识其中的伙伴，最好的方法，就是做个发光发热的志愿者，承担诸如门前迎宾、安排茶歇、打扫场地等工作。这样一来，你就能遇到很多对你心怀感激之人。本书的两位作者，都是多个社团的重要成员——我们的私人卧室，经常作为社团活动的场地。一般情况下，我们能够结识很多友善的伙伴，帮助我们布置场地，并在事后帮我们打扫干净；我俩即使足不出户，也能参加很多社团活动。
“个人广告”
Section titled ““个人广告””PERSONAL ADS
Sluts have been finding each other through personal ads for many decades, and personal-ad partner finding has expanded enormously in the last decade or two, fueled by the widespread availability of Internet access.
几十年来至今，众多婊子都通过“个人广告”，得以呼朋引伴、发现彼此。近一二十年，互联网的普及，让通过“个人广告”来征求伴侣的人，数量飙升。
One couple who recently celebrated their eighth anniversary says,
有一对刚刚庆祝完“相爱八年纪念日”的伴侣，对笔者这样说：
We would never have found each other if we’d met face-to-face in the first place. Anthea is tall and girly and a single mom and an agnostic; Bev is short and energetic and resolutely child-free and Jewish. Neither of us is anything like the people either of us has chosen before.But since we met through the personals, we had a chance to get to know each other at a deeper level, before we had to confront all the surface stuff that would have turned us off if we’d seen that first.
如果我们俩在相识的前一刻，彼此面对面，想必只会擦肩而过，谁也无法“发现”对方。Anthea个子很高，颇具少女感，是个单身妈妈，认同不可知论；Bev个子很矮，精力充沛，坚决不要孩子，信仰犹太教。我俩一点也不像是会看上对方、走到一起的人。然而，当我们通过征友广告，看到彼此的情况，就拥有了一个相互了解彼此内心的机会——而不会像现实约见那样，难免被很多流于表面的因素所干扰。
Those seeking nontraditional relationships may, however, find themselves addressing some problems of categorization. One well-known international free advertising site, for example, offers two types of relationship ads, the regular partner-seeking ones and “casual encounters”; people explicitly seeking nonmonogamous longer-term relationships sometimes find that their ads in the partner-seeking section have been removed. We don’t have an answer for this, except to hope that this site will consider adding an “alternative relationships” category soon.
寻求“非主流”亲密关系之人，可能会遇到“难以归类”的麻烦。例如某个颇具知名度的网络交友免费平台，仅有两个关于亲密关系类型的选项：要么是“寻找常规的伴侣”，要么是“寻求偶然的邂逅”。然而还有另外一些人，想要寻找非独占、非专属的长期伴侣，于是，ta们将自己的个人广告，归入“寻找常规伴侣”的类别，并且明明白白地写清楚自己的多边关系诉求——但结果是，没过多久，ta们就发现自己的征友广告，被视作违规贴而遭到删除。笔者对此深感无语，唯有期待这类在线交友平台，能够尽快考虑增加一个诸如“另类亲密关系”的选项。
There are also paid sites, usually sponsored by magazines and newspapers, that cost a few dollars a month and offer a bit more flexibility in how you describe yourself and what kind of relationship you’re seeking; Janet and her spouse E found each other on one of these. At this time, many online matchmaking services do not support nonmonogamous lifestyles, and some will even take down ads that mention poly, but we’re sure that will change as polyfolk become more visible. However, the website PolyMatchMaker.com offers space for all sorts of poly and alternative personal ads for people of all genders and orientations.And OkCupid.com offers an ethical slut test that will help you match your values with other participants. Dossie and her partner recently took this test and are happy to report that they both qualified, although Dossie was a bit miffed to discover that her partner got a higher score than she did. On the test, that is.
还有一些需要付费的在线交友平台，其后台老板，往往是某些杂志或报刊。这类平台往往要每月付些钱，但其好处是：从个人信息，到想要寻找的亲密关系类型，都有宽松一些的空间，让你能够更准确地描述、发布。本书作者之一的珍妮特，和简称为E的多年伴侣，当年就是在这样一个付费平台，彼此相遇相识。时至今日，仍有不少在线寻求配偶的服务平台，都不支持多边关系，如果在个人交友广告中提到对多边关系的诉求，帖子就可能被删除。但即使这样，笔者也一直坚信，上述情况一定会改变，因为多边恋者正在纷纷走出深柜，不断现身于公众视野。相比之下，PolyMatchMaker.com网站，长期为各类多边关系和非主流的亲密关系，提供个人广告的交流空间，并且涵盖了所有的性别和性取向。另一个可圈可点的在线交友平台，是OkCupid.com，该网站提供了一套“三观测试”，来帮你寻找价值观近似之人。本书作者之一的道茜，前不久刚刚和她的伴侣，做了一次测试，欣然发现双方都通过了检验，唯一有些不开心的是，伴侣居然比她得分更高，更具备“理直气壮的婊子”特质。 【在当今的移动互联网时代，形形色色的智能手机App，几乎取代了上述的网站。例如OkCupid，兼具安卓版和iOS版。但在内地的局域网，很多全球化的App，都受限于越发严密的审查监控。——译者 】
When you meet people through a personal ad, it is customary to get to know them in stages, starting with email correspondence, then perhaps a phone conversation, and then a no-strings get-together in a public place for coffee or a meal, so that you can get to know the other person slowly and with as little pressure as possible. Be aware that you know nothing about this person beyond words on a screen, and take the same precautions you would take in meeting any other stranger.
当你通过在线的个人交友广告，和某个陌生人约会，通常需要一步步地推进：从电子邮件之类的在线回复开始，接下里，也许是电话沟通；随后，是在某个公共场所，例如咖啡厅或反观，彼此现实见面，但互无责任承诺——这样你们就可以在尽量减少压力的前提下，慢慢地了解彼此。如果你对某个人，除了屏幕上的文字，其他情况一无所知，那么一定要多加小心；这就像与任何陌生人见面时，都需要加以提防，是同样道理。
A special case: What if you fall in love with a person who wants monogamy? This situation is going to be tough. We know that this is a valid disagreement, and also a very basic difference. In our more thoughtless moments, we have blithely assumed that once this delightful person who has won our heart discovers that ethical sluttery is possible, he or she will instantly want to join in—but that is not always the case. Please remember that nobody is right and nobody is wrong; this is about two different ways of structuring a relationship, and both, or all, choices are valid. You may choose for the present to continue exploring this relationship because it is precious to you, and you want see how things evolve, even if you may be disappointed at some time in the future. Both of you need to agree to tolerate the ambiguity of knowing that ultimately you each want something different. Entering into a relationship while planning to change your partner is not respectful to your beloved and could make big trouble in the future.
也有这样一种特殊情况：如果你在征友、约会中，爱上了一个不能接受开放关系的人，该怎么办？如果对这种情况“顺其自然”，往往会变得越来越麻烦。笔者深知，这是你们双方之间的一个根本分歧，或者说，是一个底线层面的差异。如果我们缺乏深思熟虑，就难免会轻率地自以为：这个令自己钟情之人，只要懂得“理直气壮做个婊子”是一种切实可行的生活方式，就会立刻欣然加入。——然而，事实并不一定都会如此。你需要明确，这并非一刀切的是非对错，而是两种不一样的亲密关系模式，不同的人作出不同选择，都是合情合理的。遇到这种情况的你，也许会出于对这段亲密关系的珍惜，继续“走一步看一步”，且看今后的事态如何发展——哪怕在将来的某个时候，以令人遗憾的方式告终。但至少，你们双方都需要建立这样的共识：相互容忍，允许双方之间存在“灰色地带”，承认彼此存在一些差异，注定会在一些时候，各自走上不一样的寻梦之路。如果你在进入一个新的亲密关系时，便打算把现有的伴侣“替换掉”，这不但是对你所爱之人的不尊重，而且也会为你的今后，埋下很多严重的隐患。
Make “for the time being”agreements about how you will live at present and seek out knowledge and experience that will help you understand each other’s positions. Read this book together, read a good book on intimacy. Refrain from bad-mouthing each other’s choices. Attend some workshops together—maybe one on poly, and one on hot monogamy. Join some online support groups on relevant topics, and find time to discuss what you learn from all of these sources.
当你处于上述情况，与对亲密关系应当开放还是专一存在根本分歧的伴侣，不妨随时立足于当下，来达成共识协定。也就是说，首先要让各自都能过好当下的日子，与此同时，共同寻求能够促进彼此之间增进理解、换位思考的知识和经验。你俩可以一起阅读这本书，或者选读关于亲密关系的其他好书。你俩还需要尊重彼此所选择的生活方式，而不要评判指责、恶语相向。此外还可以一起参加一些工作坊，也许，可以这一次共同参加关于多边关系的，下一次共同参加关于“一对一关系，如何恒温保鲜”题材的。此外，还可以参加一些就上述相关话题的在线支持小组，然后找个时间，讨论下各自的所学心得。
Consider the wide spectrum of relationship options available to you—perhaps the one that best fits your needs may not be what you thought you were looking for. Meanwhile, we feel sure that you entered into this potentially difficult situation because there is a great deal that you treasure in this particular relationship and that the value of your love together outweighs the differences between you. Whether the two of you wind up as friends, lovers, spouses, or something else that’s unique to your pairing, we hope you’ll find a way to keep on cherishing that love.
你的亲密关系模式，其可行选项，类似七色光谱：对这一点，多些思量，切莫遗忘。也许，某个非常适合你的，并不是你正在刻意寻求的；在这种情况下，笔者可以断言，接下来的你，将面对很多困难——因为这段亲密关系，有很多理由，令你非常珍惜；彼此的爱情，比横亘在你们之间的障碍，更深更重，更有力量。无论之后，你们两个人的关系，会变成朋友、情人、配偶，还是彼此分离、各奔东西，笔者都希望你们能够找到一条阳光大道，在这条路上，无论各自身在何方，都能继续将这段现有的爱情，或者曾经的爱情，视为美好的珍藏。
你所寻求的，究竟是什么？
Section titled “你所寻求的，究竟是什么？”What?
What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want someone with whom you can buy a house and raise a family? Someone you can meet once a year for a hot and heavy weekend of role-playing fun? Or Ms. or Mr.Right Now? Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings later.
什么样的亲密关系，是你想要拥有的？是想要个能够一起买栋房子、组建家庭的人吗？还是想要个性爱类角色扮演游戏的搭档，即使每年只能见一次面、共度一个激情周末，也好？当下的你，对理想之人的性别，比如是男还是女，有没有什么偏好？率先明确自己“究竟想要什么”，能够在之后的进展中，避免很多误解，避免情感受伤。
If you’re worried that nobody could possibly want what you have to offer, don’t be so sure. While it may be harder to find someone who wants to be a secondary partner, or a role-play buddy, or the parent of your children, it is certainly possible—in fact, there are undoubtedly at least a few people out there who are looking for just such a situation.
如果你担心，没有人对你所能够给予别人的一切——或曰你所散发的特质——感兴趣、有需求，那么笔者劝你，不要如此笃定地自我评判。诚然，作为开放关系、多边关系者，尤其是当你已经有了一起生活的老伴儿，这时的你，再想找个愿意做你的“第二伴侣”之人，或者仅限于在一起玩角色扮演类的性爱游戏的伙伴，也许你新增加的伴侣还要为你和老伴儿的孩子，承担一部分家长的义务——这确实会比社会主流意义的约会求偶，难度更大；然而，这也并非异想天开，而是完全可以实现的。事实上，毫无疑问地讲，总会有相当一些人，对你所期待的条件，跃跃欲试，充满渴望。
Trick versus partner is not an either/or situation: there are many, many ways to relate that lie between a one-night stand and marriage. You may not know in advance what kind of relationship will develop with the person who intrigues you tonight, and that person may not fit whatever space in your life you thought you were looking to fill. Taking people as they come, how they are, here and today, can lead you to wonderful surprises that more than make up for the occasional disappointment. So watch out for your preconceptions, and be ready to approach new people with an open mind and an open heart.
“要么如同嫖宿，玩完各自走路；要么成为伴侣，彼此长久专属”——这种非此即彼、只能二选一的说法，并不符合多元多样的客观事实。事实上，在约炮和结婚之间，兼具上述二者某些特征的其他类型的亲密关系，多得海了去。当你和某个人一见钟情、爱得天昏地暗时，也许，对彼此的亲密关系，将会发展成怎样的形式，根本无从预知；尤其是，那个你所痴迷之人，可能注定无法被用来“填充”你人生中，任何一处期待得到“补足”的“空缺”。一个人以什么样的姿态出现在你面前，有怎样的言行表现，此时此地的一切，就是这个人当下的真实自我——你要接纳这个事实，而不要把自己的幻想或者期待，一厢情愿地强加给这个人。如果你能够这样，将会不断感受到很多精彩、很多惊喜；相比之下，偶尔在所难免的失望，根本就是微不足道的小事一桩。所以，你要对自己先入为主的种种成见，随时保持警觉，避免被其“绑架”；你要让自己的思维和情感，都保持开放，时刻准备着迎接每一个不期而至的有缘之人。
Expect situations to change. Someone you thought was just an occasional playmate may evolve into a much more important figure in your personal landscape. When this happens—and it has happened to both of us—it is important to keep that person, and anyone else involved, thoroughly briefed on the emotional shifts you’re experiencing. It may be that your friend is feeling the same way toward you…and this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Or the object of your desire may just not be in a place where a deep emotional commitment feels right. In any case, treat this changed relationship as though it were a new one—in a way, it is. It may be that the two of you can go on connecting in your original, casual manner, or you may have to part for a while to maintain your original equilibrium. Full mindfulness, lots of empathy, and plenty of honest communication are strongly recommended here.
有些特殊情况，需要特殊处理。也许有个人，你本想将其作为偶尔亲热一番的玩伴，却没有想到，此人逐渐成为你人生旅途的重要角色，其影响，足以蔓延到你生活的很多方面。一旦出现上述情况——尤其是，你们双方都同时面临这种情形——那么，一定要向那个人，以及其ta被牵扯进来的人，充分告知你所经历的情感转变。也许你的那个朋友，也有与你类似的情感，渴望对你表白；你的坦诚告知，将成为彼此建立亲昵情谊的开始。此外，还有另一种情形：你所倾慕的对象，和你的亲密关系，经常无法达到你所期待的深厚程度。针对任何“事态发展，背离初衷”的情况，你都不妨将未能实现的当初期待，全然放下，把已经偏离初衷的当下关系，看作一份最新建立的情缘。事实上，你们的亲密关系，的确已经在某种程度上，流变成为不同于过往的全新篇章。当你把这一切，和对方挑明，做好沟通，之后的你俩，也许会若无其事，继续貌似像最初一样，不时地联系彼此；也许不得不暂时分开一段时间，以维持当初的平静生活，避免事态扩大、难以收拾。无论如何，笔者强烈建议：保持充分的关注和觉察；多多益善的换位思考；以及，足质足量的坦诚交流。
兔子莫忘窝边草，人脉常从身边找
Section titled “兔子莫忘窝边草，人脉常从身边找”LOOK AROUND YOU
Perhaps the person you want is already in your circle of acquaintances, only you don’t know it yet. Janet writes:
也有可能，你所梦寐以求的性伴侣人选，就在你的熟人圈内，但你一直没有发现。本书作者之一珍妮特，如此写道：
E and I had known each other casually for years, and with an unfortunate history: I’d once written a newspaper piece harshly criticizing one of the policies of the small business he was running at the time. So when I saw him on the street, we would say a fairly stiff “hello”and part with a slight sense of relief.
我那代号为“E”的老伴儿，在和我交往之前，已经和我偶然相识多年。我们有过一段悲催的“黑历史”：我曾在报纸上发表过一篇短文，把当时E所开的一家小公司的某种做法，骂个狗血喷头。此后，每当我在街头和他相遇，彼此打招呼都很生硬，然后，各自带着“松了口气”的感觉，看着对方和自己渐行渐远。
However, when I answered the personal ad from a man who described me quite precisely in his list of desired characteristics, I didn’t know it was him.
有一次，我看到一则征求伴侣的个人广告，此人对自己所期待的人选特征，刚好和我非常符合。当时，我并不晓得，发布这则个人广告者，便是E。
It took several rounds of correspondence before we each began to figure out who the other one was, and then all our mutual friends started getting phone calls from each of us asking about the other one.E was in a relationship with one of Dossie’s roommates for several years—that’s how close the connection actually was, once we figured it out.
我和E在线上沟通，经历了好几轮的彼此回复，才终于明确彼此的真实身份。随后，那些与我和E关系都不错的人，纷纷打来电话，像我询问“你到底觉得E怎么样”，也向E询问他对我的感受。E的一个前任伴侣，曾与他保持好几年的亲密关系，此人也是本书作者之一道茜的同居室友之一：我和E之间的关联，从一开始，就是何等紧密。但我俩在之前的很长时间，谁都没有意识到这点。
We’d already fallen half in love just through email correspondence. Our first date was for Thai food and a long walk around one of Oakland’s nicest neighborhoods. We had some negotiating to do around the whole issue of poly—some of his previous partners had been pretty good at the slut part but not so good at the ethical part—but he was willing to at least try.
当我和E在网上交流时，互发邮件、互相回复时，彼此都进入了“半热恋”状态。我和他的第一次线下约见，是在一家泰式餐馆，去那里要走很远。我俩就多边关系的方方面面，进行了一番商谈。E的某些前任伴侣，对性爱非常开放，但所做之事并非道德无亏，在“理直气壮”上有所欠缺。但E至少愿意和这样的人，试着长期交往。
He moved in a year or so later, and we got married a few months after that. As of this writing, we’re approaching our third wedding anniversary and our fifth anniversary as a couple.
此后一年左右，E搬家到别处；然而这并没有影响我和E的亲密关系，又过了几个月，我和E正式结婚。当笔者写下以上文字时，即将迎来和E的结婚三周年纪念日，和同居五周年的庆典。