第18章伴侣关系：多元开放大同，性福美美与共

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN Couples

SLUTS RELATE in as many combinations and styles as you can possibly imagine, and more. Is there a typology of relationships that could possibly include every wonderful possibility? Obviously not. We believe that every relationship is unique unto itself, and thus even an attempt to think in types and forms is not going to express the essential truths of what happens when we love people.

众多婊子之间，所建立的关系模式，其类型之多，超出你所能想到的一切。显然，我们无法将每一场良缘奇遇，都囊括汇总，归入某种类型。在笔者看来，每一段亲密关系，都具有自身的独特性；为此，当你试图对某段亲密关系进行“分门别类”，就会忽略掉这段亲密关系中最为“本真”的东西，也就是人与人相爱的具体点滴。

Here is one particular and fairly unusual relationship we cherish:

在这里，不妨谈谈我们俩——本书共同的作者——之间的亲密关系：不同寻常、背离主流，又弥足珍贵。

Your authors have been lovers, coauthors, and best friends for sixteen years, and we have never lived together. We have both lived with other partners during those sixteen years and have both been single together for only a brief time. Our relationship is a treasure, and no other partner gets to object—we’ve been doing this for a long time and we do not intend to stop. Of course, if we wanted to live together we probably would have by now, so we are also no threat to any life partner. (As long as you don’t get threatened by reading in extensive detail about your partner’s sexual adventures with her coauthor—this is a problem only a few of you will ever face.) It is nothing short of a miracle to us that our partnering has been so fruitful and so serene and so intimate and so explorative over all this time. We both agree that to live together would run a terrible risk of spoiling a good thing.

笔者，也就是我们两个，十六年来至今，一直既是情侣，也是写作搭档，和最要好的朋友，但我俩从来没有一起生活过。这些年来，我俩各有各的住处，各有各的很多生活搭档——偶尔也曾有过短暂的“空窗期”。我俩的亲密关系，堪称宝贵无价；我俩各自的情侣，大都对此充分接纳。这种状态已经维持了很长时期，至今我俩都依然乐此不疲。当然，如果我俩想要一起生活，也能轻松实现——而且对各自的所有同居伴侣，都能保持人畜无害，谁和谁也不会成为情敌。（除非，正在阅读这本书的你，猛然发觉自己的伴侣，居然和本书的某个作者有一腿——但这样的大瓜大雷，一般来说，你不大可能遇上。）我们两只，长久作伴，日子过得既充实多彩，又从容淡定；既风情万种，又有无限的探索空间：这一切都堪称奇迹。至于为什么不同居，我俩都有以下共识：何必打破长期以来的美好现状，节外生枝自找麻烦呢？这太得不偿失了！

Everybody ought to have a coauthor. But even if you don’t write, you might find yourself making connections that remind you of some of the possibilities we will discuss here.

类似本书两位作者之间的亲密伙伴，普天之下的每一个人，其实都需要。即使你从不写书，无需创作搭档，往往也需要拥有一些非同寻常的人际关系。这样的人际关系，能够随时提醒你：不要忽视前文谈到的各种可能，至少其中的某一些，值得你去尝试探索。

While all connections can be guided by the basic principles we’ve discussed in earlier chapters, new skills and concepts may get developed by brilliant sluts who want to explore the rewards and challenges of any particular lifestyle. In this chapter, we will discuss some of the many ways of exploring open sexual lifestyles and making your connections sustainable. Even if it doesn’t seem like what you want has much in common with any of these ways of partnering, we suggest reading the whole chapter—there are ideas for all of us in the experiences of any one of us, and sometimes a voice from somewhere else can give us just the piece our puzzle was looking for.

人际之间的亲密联结，无论何种类型，我们在前文谈到的那些基本准则，都普遍适用。而那些乐于探索各种“非主流”生活方式的牛逼大婊，在披荆斩棘直面难关的同时，也会获得这样的奖赏：在此过程中，不断创建和完善新的技能、新的理念。我们将在这一章所探讨的内容，是如何既探索出一套性爱开放的生活方式，又能确保人际之间的情感联结，具有平稳、安泰的可持续性：可行之道有很多，这里所提及的，只是沧海一瓢。下文将要提及的某些伴侣关系模式，即使与你所期待的目标，相距甚远、缺乏共性，笔者也依然希望你，能够逐字逐句读完本章的全部内容。因为，尽管每个人都有不同的经历，但从彼此相异、多元多样的经历中，能够体现出很多人所共同之处——这对所有的人，都有参考价值。何况在一些时候，“当局者迷旁观者清”、“它山之石可以攻玉”。

We all grew up in a world in which there was assumed to be nothing between emotionless sport fucking and committed long-term marriage-type relationships, leaving the vast territory in between open to discovery by relationship pioneers of all stripes, including ourselves. What interesting ways of relating to people might we, and you, find between these two poles? When we include all of our connections in our picture of relationship, we expand the definition of what a relationship can be.

我们从小到大所处的环境，往往只承认两个极端——要么是“人一走茶就凉”的约炮、“胡搞”，并无真情实意；要么是天长地久的承诺、比翼连理的厮守——二者之间，似乎没有亦此亦彼的混杂可能，或曰中间状态。换言之，上述两级之间所客观存在的广袤疆域，唯有依靠形形色色的开放关系先行者，包括你我在内，去发现，去拓荒。想想看，我们会在两极之间，发现哪些绝妙的新路径，能够达成人际之间的情感联结？如果我们把所有类型的人际关联，都纳入“亲密关系”的疆界版图之内，那么，亲密关系的“定义域”——也就是“亲密关系有可能是什么样子”——就会由此被大为拓宽。【上面这句话（基本是直译），该如何理解？也许你会立刻想到一些反驳，比如，“成年的父亲和幼年的女儿，这样的人际关联，能否和恋爱者的亲密关系，模糊边界甚至混为一谈？”或者，也可以对作者那句话的意图进行提问：“这究竟是一板一眼的操作指南，还是一种诉诸情感的文学手法，旨在唤起读者发自内心的更多思考？”——这是个很不错的“话头”，感兴趣的读者，不妨“参悟”下。】

Each relationship seeks its own level when we let it. Operating on this principle, we can welcome each of our partners for precisely who they are: we don’t need them to be anybody else or to bring us any particular resources or skills. If you don’t want to play tennis with me, I’ll ask somebody else, and if you don’t want to play bondage games with me, again, somebody else will—our relationship will not be less for it. What we share is valuable for what we share. Period.

只要我们顺其自然，不刻意设限，任何一场人际关系、亲密关系，都会自发地趋向其“理所应当”的深度和广度。如果照此准则去做，我们就会以乐见其成的心态，任由自己的每一个所爱之人、亲密伴侣，都能够彻底卸下假面、放飞真我；我们既不希望ta们伪装、异化成另一个人，也不期待从ta们那里汲取任何资源，或者利用ta们的任何技能。如果你不愿陪我打网球，那我就会另找别人；如果你不想和我玩捆绑游戏，我依然可以去找别人——你我之间的亲密关系，并不会因此而减少什么。我们和所爱之人分享的一切，其本身，就是意义的全部：仅此而已。

We like to be easygoing about sex, but what people mean by “casual sex” is perhaps too dismissive. Casual sex sounds like we are supposed to be distant: don’t get too close, don’t expect too much, avoid any expression of intimacy or vulnerability.

本书的两位作者，都喜欢轻松随意的性爱，然而，如果用带有贬义的“casual sex”——只有一时激情，没有稳固感情和长久承诺的性爱——来形容我们的生活作风，也并不准确。英文语境下的casual sex，听起来似乎意味着“平常人不应该和我们这种人走得太近”，或者说，对我们这样的人，既不要动真感情，也不要有过高的期待，更不要“掏心窝子”乃至道出自己的“软肋”。

We are now hearing people refer to certain of their lovers as “friends with benefits.” A euphemism, perhaps, but an interesting concept. Why shouldn’t we share sex with our friends, making sex a natural part of the love and honor and faithfulness and openheartedness that we already share with friends?

我们有时会听到一些人，将自己的某些情侣，称作“在性爱方面，互利互惠的朋友”（friends with benefits，FWB）。这固然是一种“犹抱琵琶半遮面”的委婉说辞，但也可说是一个耐人寻味的理念。既然是好朋友，为何不能共享性爱之乐呢？为什么不能把性爱，作为一种很自然、很平常的事物——就像情感关爱、交情道义、忠实信赖、推心置腹等等那样——和朋友彼此共享呢？

We have learned the most, and had the most fun, and made the most wonderful, rich connections, when we have welcomed each new person into our lives just as they are, without trying to force them into the picture that’s labeled “relationship”in our brains. This has been true whether we’ve been single, coupled, part of a group family, or engaged in any one of the myriad other ways of relating that creative and loving sluts can devise.

只要我们能够做到“欢迎每一个新人，以其真实自我，进入我们的生活”，而不要将自己头脑中被贴上“亲密关系”标签的预设图景，强加给其ta任何人，那么，我们就能从中汲取最多的认知养分，创造出最精彩、最丰厚的人际情感联结。无论我们是独自生活，是和另一个人搭伴过日子，还是多边“群婚”大家庭之中的一员，或者，投身于某种我们婊子可以创造出来的别样亲密关系之中（如此别样的亲密关系，注定会有无数种）——上述道理，都普遍适用。

找个伴侣，不等于给自己找个监狱

Couplings

We hear too often of folks who delight in a joyously slutty lifestyle until they “fall in love.” Then, perhaps prodded by cultural messages that love must equal marriage must equal monogamy, they dive into an attempt at a conventional lifestyle, often with disastrous consequences. At least one of your authors—you can insert Janet’s rueful grin here—has proven herself not immune to this kind of programming.

我们听到过很多这样的情形：有些婊气十足、乐在其中之人，一旦对某个人“动了真情”，风流浪荡的日子便从此告终。ta们决意走上和大多数人一样的生活轨道，也许是因为社会主流文化的无形内驱力，尤其是“既然爱情是平等的，那么婚姻就应该是平等的相互专情”理念。但“浪子回头”的结果，却往往是灾难性的。至少，本书的作者之一，就曾感染过上述的“瘟疫”，回首当时，唯有苦笑。

There is no reason why wedding bells, or the equivalent thereof, need to break up that old gang of yours. Many sluts find it possible to combine the committed stability of a life partnership with the manifold pleasures of sex and intimacy with others.

婚礼的钟声，或者类似的东西，需要把我们原有的人际关系拆散——问世间，岂有此理？！事实上，很多婊子都已经确定：既和爱侣忠贞不渝、天长地久，又与其ta人维系着丰富多彩的性福快乐，这完全可以实现。

However, there is no question that being a slut within a committed relationship has some special challenges. So much of our cultural baggage tells us that commitment equals ownership—that, as the old bitter joke has it, a ring around the finger equals a ring through the nose. Even people who know better often find (sometimes to their surprise) that their expectations of a committed relationship may include the right to control many aspects of their partner’s lives.

然而可想而知，即使一个铁杆的婊子，当其处于一段相互挚爱的亲密关系中时，也难免会有很多难题，而且这些难题往往更加特殊、更为棘手。我们所日常熏染的文化成见，总在不断“提醒”我们：“如果对爱情忠诚、负责任，而不是把这段亲密关系当作儿戏，那么，就意味着一种‘所有权’，意味着彼此之间的人身独占。”或者，就像一句老掉牙的苦笑吐槽：“婚戒套在手指，等同于牛鼻子上了环，从此失去自由，被牵着走。”这导致很多人——即使非常明白事理，质疑文化成见、渴求自由性福——也会蓦然觉察到，关于“认真负责的亲密关系”，自己脑海中的图景，难免包含着“对伴侣的生活日常，在很多方面进行控制的‘权利’”。

While we’re going to write here about couples for the sake of clarity, all the principles apply equally to threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes. Relationships take their own shapes, but the best ones tend to share some basic principles: good boundaries, mindfulness, and a mutual desire for the well-being of everyone involved.

笔者在此声明，接下来所说的关于“二人伴侣”的一切言行准则、理念要点，全都同样适用于“三人行”、“四人行”或者更多人的亲密关系；采用“二人伴侣”的话语，只是为了方便。亲密关系可以有多种多样的外在形式，无论任何外在形式，其中运行最为良好的那些，通常都遵循一些共同的准则：合理可行的边界约束、留意在乎自己和其ta人的感受，以及，人人都愿意为了其中每一个人的幸福，而尽心尽力。

As you can probably guess, we don’t much like the idea that a relationship commitment specifies anybody’s right to anything beyond mutual respect and caring for each other. Yet once you divorce romantic love from the concept of ownership, what happens? One woman we know, who had never been in an open relationship before, was startled to find that many of her old habits have become irrelevant:“Why should I bother to look for stray hairs on the pillow, trying to sniff out any trace of infidelity, when I know that if he has sex with someone else he’ll simply tell me about it?” Yet there are still issues of boundaries, of responsibility, of courtesy, that complement ownership and promote sustainability, which must be dealt with.

“亲密关系的承诺，包含着比相互尊重和关爱，更为重要的内容，也就是：‘其中某个人，有权利享有某些其他事物’。”——对这样的观点，也许你已经猜到，笔者不喜欢、不赞同。与之相映成趣的是，倘若你将“占有”的观念，从情爱之中剔除，想想看，会怎样？笔者认识一个从未经历过开放关系的女子，针对上述问题的感悟，是惊异地发现，自己很多旧有的生活定式，其实都大可不必，都尽可丢弃：“当我可以确定，即使我的男票和其ta人发生了性关系，也会坦然告诉我，那么，我又何必疑神疑鬼地检查枕头上是否残留着别人的头发，试图嗅出‘男票劈腿’的蛛丝马迹？”——当然，将“占有”去掉，并不意味着两口子之间毫无禁忌，相反，依然需要一些必须妥善对待的边界约束，例如，要照顾好共同的小家庭，日常沟通应当以和为贵。这样才能在剔除掉“占有”之后，以升级换代的内容填补其空白，让亲密关系更加稳固。

So, how do sluts in love build a life together?

那么，当婊子处于爱情关系之中时，会是怎样共筑爱巢、搭伴过日子呢？

Our friends Ruth and Edward remember:

笔者的两位朋友，露丝和爱德华，如此回忆道：

We had a monogamous relationship for about sixteen years, then opened it up and started interacting with other people. Now we’re trying to figure out what we’re comfortable doing with other people and what we want to reserve for our own relationship. Sometimes, the only way to locate the boundary of our comfort zone is to cross it and feel the discomfort. We try to take small steps, so that the pain is minimal. We’re definitely committed to each other and are each willing to stop doing things that the other finds threatening.

我俩曾有过十六年的一对一式封闭关系，之后便打开门户，开始和更多人发生关系。如今，我俩都会尽量搞清楚：有哪些事情，可以轻松舒适地和外人分享；还有哪些事情，则希望作为彼此之间的“自留地”。有些时候，唯有“越过红线”并由此引发不适感，才能觉察到我俩之间的雷区边界，究竟在哪里。我俩都尽量“小步试探着来”，从而让由此可能带来的负面感受“最小化”。我俩都极其重视对方；任何事情，只要其中一方觉得“对自己不利”，另一方就会立刻停下来，这是我俩都乐在其中的默契。

Mostly, you take care of your own stuff, recognize and protect your boundaries, and make agreements to help yourself and your partner feel safe—but we’ve already talked about that. Here are some special problems that may come up for partnered sluts.

最重要的，是你一定要照顾好关乎自身的种种，明确意识到自己的所有边界，并且捍卫它们；此外，还要和相关之人达成共识协定，确保你自己以及你的伴侣，都能拥有安全感——针对于此，笔者已在前文谈及，这里不再赘述。但是，处于亲密关系之中的婊子，依然有一些特殊的问题，或许有必要讲一讲。

We’ve said before that each relationship seeks its own level. For some relationships, that’s a life partnership, which may include sharing living space, possessions, and so on. Others may take other forms: occasional dates, friendships, ongoing romantic commitments, and so on. Yet many folks find that they’ve gotten into a habit of letting their relationships slide inexorably into life partnership, without much thought or intent on their part. Well-meaning friends and acquaintances may aid in this process by assuming that you and your friend are a couple before you’ve ever decided to become one. In addition, many people get coupled by accident, by virtue of an unplanned pregnancy, an eviction romance where one partner loses a housing situation and moves in with the other, or simple convenience. Janet remembers:

笔者在前文中说过，每一段亲密关系，都会自发地趋向其自身所内禀的基准状态。有些亲密关系，具有“长期黏在一起”的内禀属性，在这样的亲密关系之中，可能包含着对同居场所的共享，和对很多财物的共用，等等。另一些有着不同内禀属性亲密关系，则可能是另外的状态，例如不定时的约见、不同于家庭成员的朋友关系、接连不断的浪漫约定海誓山盟，等等。然而有些人，已经形成了这样一种习惯：无论有了各种类型的亲密关系，都总想让这段关系“天长地久”，为此“一条道跑到黑”。尤其是，一些好心的朋友和熟人，还会帮忙撮合——尽管你和那个朋友，还没打算成为伴侣，但在很多熟人朋友眼里，你俩早就应该是“一对儿”了。除此之外，还有为数众多之人，仅仅由于偶然事件，便稀里糊涂地陷入了搭伴过日子的“围城”。意外怀孕是一个常见原因。还有一种情形，是某个人家庭破裂后无处可去，或者只是为了一时便利，于是，暂时在某个朋友家借宿——结果，住在一起的双方，由此逐渐成为伴侣。本书作者之一的珍妮特，如此回忆道：

In my freshman year of college, I met a guy I liked a lot—quiet and shy, but when he said anything, I really liked what he had to say. Finn and I wound up going out together a couple of times and having sex a few times. When school ended, we wrote to each other over the summer. Then fall came and I began looking around for a place to live outside the dorms. The only room I could find was a double-sized room that I could afford only if I shared it with someone. So I called Finn and proposed that we share it, putting up a partition across the middle and sleeping on separate mattresses, and he agreed.

大学第一年，我遇到了一个非常喜欢的男生，此人内向、腼腆，但他所说的每一句话，都让我觉得格外中听。那个名叫Finn的男生，和我发展到可以一起外出，并发生了几次性关系。在那个学期结业后的暑假，我和他一直书信往来。随后到了新学期开学的秋天，我准备搬出学校宿舍，到外面居住，为此四处找房。我所找到的唯一房源，是一处双人居室。我付不起那么多租金，除非再找一个人，与我合住，租金平摊。为此我打电话给Finn，希望他与我合租，并提出“屋子中间加个隔断，我和他分开睡”。他同意了。

The first night there, Finn had already gotten himself a mattress, and I hadn’t yet—so I shared his. Somehow, we never did get around to getting another mattress. We wound up living together for a couple of years, then getting married. That missing mattress led to a fifteen-year marriage and a couple of kids.

住进去的第一夜，我的床垫还没备好，Finn有富余的床垫借给我用。接下来，不知为什么，我一直没有再买一个床垫，一直用Finn的。我和Finn就这样，从几年的舍友，到步入婚姻。仅仅因为少了一个床垫，就导致了一段长达十五年的婚姻，以及好几个孩子。

While we’re all for coupledom for people who choose it, we like to see folks make their choices a bit more mindfully than this. We suggest that before you let yourself slide into something that you don’t really want, you do some serious thinking and talking, alone and together, about what is the best form for this particular relationship. Talk to each other about what love means to you and how you fit into each other’s lives.

笔者在祝愿“有情人终成眷属”的同时，更希望大家在作出此类决定时，能够多一些清醒的考量，而不要像“一张床垫导致一段婚姻”那样草率。一旦你发觉自己，正在鬼使神差般步入某种状态——而这种状态，其实并非你的真心期待——那么，笔者建议，你一定要针对于此，进行一番严肃认真的思索和讨论：既需要独自复盘这一切，也需要和相关之人共同探讨。上述思考与讨论的核心问题，是“单就我们所处的这段亲密关系而言，究竟何去何从，才是最佳状态”。相互讨论的内容，包括“这段爱情对你和我，究竟意味着什么”，以及，“我要怎样做，才能与你的生活方式，互不冲突、两全其美”。

You may discover that while you enjoy one another’s company and have fabulous sex, your habits regarding housing, money, possessions, and so on are wildly incompatible. In such a situation, you could do what generations of people have done—move in together and spend years trying to change one another, getting frustrated and resentful in the process. Or you could reconsider some of the implicit assumptions you have brought to the relationship. Do you have to live together? Why? Why not instead enjoy your friend for the things you like about him and find someone else with whom to share the other things? Sluthood means, among other things, that you don’t have to depend on any one person to fulfill all your desires.

也许你会发觉：一方面，你们都很享受彼此的陪伴，性生活也堪称完美，另一方面，关于衣食住行、柴米油盐等等的日常生活习惯，双方差异甚大、难以兼容。面对这样的情形，也许，你们会像之前的祖祖辈辈那样：一起生活、相互“磨合”，试图改变彼此，为之不惜花费多年光阴：而这个过程，往往只会不断带来失望，导致你们成为怨偶，相看两厌。——但除此之外，你们也可以对那些貌似“理所当然”的预设标准，多一些慎重的斟酌。例如，你们何必非要在一起生活？这种执念，道理何在？为什么不能把生活目标替换成：“我只需和喜欢的人，做爱做的事；至于此人做不好的事，我去另找其ta人来相互满足，这样就皆大欢喜了”？婊子的一个精髓理念是：“普天之下没有任何一个人，能够满足老娘的全部欲望；老娘多元多样的欲望，只要多找些有情有爱之人，你的爽点能够满足我的这一块，ta的专长能够满足我的那一块，就能皆大欢喜、大家齐活！”

If you know that you’re a person who tends to slide into coupledom, we suggest spending some serious time trying to figure out why you’ve fallen into this pattern and what you hope to get out of being part of a couple. It’s a very good idea for everyone to learn to live single—to figure out how to get your needs met without being partnered, so you don’t find yourself seeking a partner to fill needs that you ought to fill yourself. You might also consider experimenting with some relationships unlike those you’ve tried in the past—instead of looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, try dating some people you like and trust but don’t necessarily love, or maybe love in a quieter way than chills running up your spine.

如果你的性格，具有“只要喜欢某个人，甚至仅是偶然的阴差阳错，就很可能轻易和ta成为二人伴侣”的特质，那么，笔者建议你：“以严肃认真的态度，多花些时间，想清楚你究竟为何形成这种‘特质’，以及，你究竟希望从伴侣关系中获得什么。”还有一句适用于所有人的金玉良言：“一定要学会独自把生活打理好。”为此，你需要想清楚：在没有伴侣的情况下，怎样才能让自己的种种欲求，都能得到满足；这样，你就不用非要找个伴侣，企图让ta来“包办代替”那些你本该自己去做、自我满足的事情。除此之外，另一个你所需要考虑的，是设法让自己体验一些“与你之前所孜孜以求的类型，明显不一样”的亲密关系。与其按照你的固有定式，去找“对的人”，不如和一些让你喜欢、让你信任但未必涉及爱情的人，尝试着约会，在这种情况下，也许彼此的爱情会悄然发生（而非一见如故的“来电”）。

In this, as in just about everything else we’ve told you in this book, the key is to build your own sense of internal security. If you like yourself, love yourself, and take care of yourself, your other relationships can arrange themselves around you, as perfectly as crystals. We hope that if and when you get coupled, you do it on purpose.

以上种种，其关键点，一如本书的其他所有问题，都无非是：建立健全属于你自己的“内在安全感”。只要你真正喜欢自己、热爱自己、关照自己，你的各种人际关系，就会像晶体的原子排列一般和谐有序。 【换言之，对一切令你痛苦和厌恶的人际关系，如果你“舍不得离开”，那就等于背叛了自己——也就是说，把某些外在的“责任义务”或者仅仅是习惯之类，置于你的自我关爱、自我肯定之上。——译者】 笔者希望，如果你有朝一日，进入了二人伴侣关系，这完全是出于你的自主抉择。

关于婚姻的一些思考

A Few Thoughts about Marriage

One of the questions facing coupled sluts is the issue of whether to enter into the special, legally sanctioned partnership called “marriage.” In an increasing number of states and countries, even being in a same-sex relationship no longer exempts you from having to address this question: same-sex marriage has been legally sanctioned in several states in the United States, in Canada, and in an increasing number of countries in Europe and elsewhere, and we utterly approve. Your authors, however, think it is very important that everyone look very closely at what apples we are buying when we reach out for the marriage-rights piece of the American pie. Some of those apples have worms.

当一个风流浪荡的婊子，有了一个相对固定的伴侣，接下来，摆在面前的问题之一，就是要不要进入名曰“婚姻”的特殊法定关系中。在越来越多的国家和地区，即使同性伴侣，也难以逃避上述问题。在本书出版时，美国的一些州，以及加拿大，和越来越多的欧洲国家，连同其他很多地区，都纷纷实现了同性婚姻合法化。 【本书（第二版）问世于2009年，当时荷兰、比利时、加拿大等国家，同性婚姻合法化已有数年。至于美国，在当时，只有一些州走在这条道路的前面；而全国的同性婚姻合法化权利，拖到2015年（奥巴马总统的第二任期）才实现。——译者注】 笔者对同性婚姻权利完全赞同，但同时也认为，当我们尽力争取一块名曰“婚姻平权”的“美式苹果派”时，也需要仔细看看其中的馅料，质量究竟如何。其中有些“苹果”，简直是“虫子窝”。

Marriage, as it now stands, is the inevitable outcome of government imposing its standards on personal relationships, legislating a one-size-fits-all prescription detailing how people in sexual or domestic relationships ought to run their lives. Here in California, for example, we have community property laws, which means that whatever income or debt either spouse creates during the marriage belongs to both spouses. We know a woman whose soon-to-be-ex-husband deliberately threw them into bankruptcy because she was planning to leave. Other states have laws just as arbitrary: in some places, if you live together for seven years you’re married whether or not you want to be, by what is called, with startling narrow-mindedness,“common law.”

自古自今，政府一直都在独断专行地把自己的标准，强加于形形色色的人际关系，并企图通过法律，将民众“应当如何打理”自己的性爱关系、家庭关系，都无微不至地纳入“一刀切”的框架。延续至今的婚姻制度，是上述状况的一个必然产物。以笔者所在的美国加州为例，在我们头上，有很多关于“婚姻伴侣共同财产”的法律条款，此类法律意味着：在婚姻期间，任何一方所赚来的每一个铜板，或者欠下的每一本账单，配偶双方都要共同承担。笔者知道有一位女士，想要结束婚姻，便被那个不久之后就成为她前夫的渣男，故意害得个人破产。还有一些州的相关法律，简直就是蛮干、胡来。例如在一些地区，只要你俩一起生活达到了七年，就会被认定为婚姻关系，无论你们是否愿意——如此令人震惊的狭隘偏见，就是所谓的“习惯法”。

Marriage is, we’re told, a sacrament—a loving ritual where your faith and your community bless your union. Why, then, is our government, the one that says“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” requiring us to get marriage licenses?

我们一直被反复灌输：婚姻是神圣的，意味着践行海枯石烂的誓言；婚姻是爱情的典礼，既是你们对爱情的信仰体现，也备受熟人朋友们的祈愿祝福。——然而，为什么婚姻需要政府的批准认同，也就是官方签署的“执照”？须知，在笔者所处的美国，政府红嘴白牙的宪法第一修正案，墨迹分明：“国会不得制定关于下列事项的法律：确立某种宗教信仰，或者针对某些宗教理念，禁止自由信仰……”

If marriage is sacred, as we think it is, why is legal recognition of a relationship, along with privileges like health insurance and inheritance, restricted to those who are willing to shape their lives to conform to somebody else’s design?

如果婚姻真的具有宗教般的神圣性——我们当中的很多人都一直这样认为——那么为什么，法律针对亲密关系的认可，伴随着与之相匹配的很多特殊权利，例如健康保险 【往往只能为法定的配偶投保，不能为没有婚姻关系的情侣投保——译者注】 、财产继承等，都仅仅限定于“甘愿让自己的生活，遵从他人的设定”之人？

If we ran the world, we would abolish marriage as a legal concept, allowing people to enter into contract relationships as allowed by the perfectly adequate laws that already govern other forms of legal partnership. Sample contracts could be provided by institutions, attorneys, churches, publishers, and support networks. Those who wished to perform marriage as a sacrament could do so under the auspices of whatever religious or social institution felt like a good fit for them. Under such a system, no agreement would be taken for granted; sexual exclusivity, money sharing, inheritance, and all the other issues currently covered by inflexible marriage laws could be consciously chosen. We really like conscious choices.

如果这个世道，笔者能够主导，作为法律概念的“婚姻”，一定会被废除掉。目前，针对婚姻之外的其他类型的人际联结，已经有了很多非常好的法律，大家完全参照此类法律，来缔结亲密关系的契约。 【例如在一些国家，同居关系超过一定时长，即使没有领证结婚，也被认定为“事实上的婚姻”（de facto marriage）；再如针对家暴的防治法律，所涵盖的对象，不仅包括婚姻伴侣，也包括非婚同居者。——译者】 亲密关系的契约模板，尽可多种多样，为数众多的机构、律师、教堂、出版物，和遍布于人际网络之中的社会支持系统，都来参与其中。那些希望婚姻“神圣化”并践行与此之人，可以按照ta们的宗教信仰得到相应的祝福，也可以通过ta们认可的社会机构来承办婚礼。在这样的制度下，一切共识协定，都需要经过明确的沟通，任何自以为是的“想当然”，都不能算数。诸如“性独占”，或者财产的共享、继承等——举凡被当前僵化的婚姻法律所涵盖的内容——到了那时，都唯有建立在理性思考和自主选择的基础上，才有意义。笔者真心热爱理性思考和自主选择。

There is, of course, always a need for laws about the basic responsibilities adults have for children and other dependents. Tax breaks and other support should still be available to those caring for children and dependent elders, who really need them. It’s sort of like supporting public education: we have a hard time imagining a better use for our tax dollars than meeting the needs of the disabled, the aging, and our next generation.

当然，针对成年人之于孩子——或者其ta需要其照顾之人——的基本责任，相关法律依然不可或缺。【原文的other dependents，译为“其ta需要照顾之人”，这里的照顾，是广义的。例如父母对已经成年，但先天残障、不能自理的下一代，依然有在某种程度上继续照顾的责任；再如伴侣之间约好，照顾彼此的长辈老人：这些狭义的照顾，当然包括在内。还有一种情形，是伴侣之间由于经济、社会、文化地位的明显不对等，所产生的一方对另一方的依赖，这也属于“需要对方的照顾”：例如1980年代，有体制内身份的李银河到美国匹兹堡大学留学，她的丈夫王小波不久也随之赴美，当时的王小波，就是李银河的dependent。（至于王小波平生的成就未必逊于李银河教授，这是另一码事。）——译者注】对养育儿童、赡养老人的家庭（显然可以是多元多样的家庭），从减免赋税到其他各种支持政策，只要确实有此需求者，那就必不可少。上述的种种，有些类似美国政府面向大众所提供的公立教育——我们（众多美国纳税人）对公立教育应当受到何种程度支持，长期以来充满争议、费尽心思，但相比之下，却忽视了如何善用税金，服务于老幼病残。

Love is a wonderful thing, and we think it would be even more wonderful if we all acted like responsible adults and entered into thoughtful arrangements about the physical and financial foundations of our lives. If we really took care of business instead of letting a pro forma piece of paper dictate our decisions for us, we would be much freer to love in whatever ways fit for us.

爱，是美好的。在笔者看来，如果，我们都能让自己的行为，像个有责任心的成年人那样，针对我们生活的基本所需——从身体方面，到财务方面——都能和适当的人，在深思熟虑的前提下，达成共识并恪守协定，那么，这样的爱，将会更加美好。只要我们将自己的生活选择，真正放在心上——而不是任由一张形式上的凭证，决定我们的人生——我们就能够让每一个人的爱，无论以怎样的形式呈现（只要适合自己就好），都会拥有远比现在更为广阔的自由空间。

二人伴侣关系，会带来一些特别的难题

Special Challenges for Couples

The commonest form of relationship in our culture, and many others, is the couple: two people who have chosen to share intimacy, time, and perhaps space and possessions for now and the foreseeable future. While couplehood has a great deal to be said for it—it’s a lot of work building a life, and many hands make light work—it also offers some special challenges.

在我们所处的社会文化中，二人伴侣，是最常见的亲密关系形式：也就是两个人，从当下，到可以预见的未来，都愿意彼此共享亲密时光，还可能还会共享生活空间、共享私人财物。诚然，二人伴侣关系堪称一项巧妙的安排：人生注定七难八苦、百事缠身，多个人手、相互协助，能够减轻负担。但与此同时，二人伴侣关系，也会带来一些特别的难题。

The ideas in this section are written for two-person couples for the sake of simplicity, but most of them apply to threesomes and moresomes as well.

接下来的内容和观点，虽是针对“二人伴侣关系”而言，但也大都普遍适用于“三人行”乃至更多人的亲密关系。

竞争心理

COMPETITION

One problem that sometimes arises between partners in sluttery is competition to be the most popular, a concern most of us have carried around in the bottom of our psyches since junior high school. Sometimes partners compete with each other to see who can score the most or the most attractive of conquests—an ugly picture.

当二人伴侣，涉及“风流”事宜，往往会滋生“竞争心理”：这是一个常见的难题。我们当中的大多数，早在初中时期，“竞争心理”便已然植根于心底。于是，很多伴侣双方，即使彼此都貌似很婊气、很开放，也依然难免会为了“看谁能够‘赢得’更多的追求者，或者‘拿下’最有魅力的外遇目标”，而相互较劲。这样的场面，low到爆，很难看。

We cannot reiterate often enough: this is not a contest, this is not a race, and nobody is the prize. One strategy to cut through any feelings of competitiveness is to play matchmaker for each other, to invest yourself in your partner’s sexual happiness as you do in your own—some polyfolk use the word “compersion” to describe the feeling of joy that comes from seeing your partner sexually happy with someone else. Remember the climax of The Big Chill, in which a woman character sets up her best friend with her husband so that her single friend could have a baby?

性与爱，都并非竞赛，无关角逐，更没有“优胜者”的奖品——这个道理，我们无论重申多少次，都不为过。有个好方法，足以斩断形形色色的“竞争心理”，那就是两口子之间，相互为对方“拉皮条”、“做月老”，为自己的老伴儿牵线搭桥介绍新欢。这样一来，伴侣的风流快活，自己也有参与感，宛如亲身体验床笫之欢。一些多边恋者，采用“compersion”一词，来描述当得知爱侣和其ta人鱼水交欢时，自己感同身受的快乐。 【Compersion是个不甚规范的新兴词汇，一些权威度很高的英文词典，长期未曾收入这个词。——译者注】 想一想影片《山水又相逢》（The Big Chill，直译是《大寒》或《心寒》）中的高潮剧情：一个女性角色，特意为自己最好的闺蜜，和自己的丈夫牵线搭桥，主动促使彼此发生性关系，从而让她的单身闺蜜，也能够如愿以偿成为母亲：你对此怎么看？

Janet recalls meeting a new Internet acquaintance for coffee and hearing her describe a pet sexual fantasy that was startlingly similar to Janet’s then-partner’s. Janet set up a first date for her new acquaintance and her partner for later that week, and the two of them (with Janet joining in later on) went on to have a long and intense relationship.

本书作者之一的珍妮特，至今依然记得，曾与一位新结识的网友，在咖啡厅见面。该网友讲述自己的“渴望成为宠物”的性幻想——这是虐恋圈子里常见的一种性趣类型，渴望成为别人的某种宠物（例如狗），可能还喜欢佩戴狗链之类。珍妮特发觉这位网友的自我描述，居然和自己（那时的）伴侣，情况非常相似。于是就在那一周，珍妮特为那位网友，和自己的伴侣，牵线搭桥，促成彼此的初次相见。在随后的很长时间里，珍妮特的伴侣和那位网友——不久珍妮特本人也加入其中——共同收获了一场情深意切的亲密关系。

Dossie was once out on a date with a longtime lover of hers when she noticed an attractive person trying to catch her eye behind her date’s back. She explained the situation to her date, who had a stroke of genius. He strode over to the young man in question and with great dignity announced, “My lady would like you to have her phone number.” The young man looked terrified at the time, but he called the next morning. Dossie has made use of this strategy repeatedly since then and recommends it highly: they always call !

本书的另一位作者道茜，曾有一次，和她众多长期情侣之中的某一个人，在公共场所约见。此时她忽然发现，就在其约会对象的身后，有个看上去很不错的人，正在试图吸引自己注意。道茜当即将此情况，告知其约会对象。该约会对象（男）立刻福至心灵、灵机一动，来到那个“可疑之人”面前，一本正经地说：“我的女朋友想把自己的电话号码告诉你。”那个小伙子顿时有些局促，但在第二天早晨，他给道茜打来电话。从此以后，道茜经常采用上述的技巧，并且极力向大家推荐——那些被赠予电话号码的人，通常都会主动和你联系！

和外面的情人，产生了深爱

CRUSHES

We have pointed out before that it is impossible for anyone to predict what depth of feeling may potentially exist in any sexual relationship. Many people new to open relationships try to limit outside sexual encounters to a casual, recreational level to avoid the terrifying specter of seeing your partner in love with, or at least crushed out on, another. It is true that sometimes an outside relationship will threaten to become primary and supplant the existing partner. When this happens everyone involved will feel horrible, especially the partner left behind: it really sucks to spend months or years struggling to own your jealousy and working hard on your fears of abandonment, only to be actually abandoned.

笔者在前文就曾讲过，在任何一场性爱关系中，可能会产生何等深度的感情，这是一个任何人都无法预判的问题。不少刚开始尝试开放关系的人，都想要针对和“外遇”的情感，限定在“随便玩玩、聊作娱乐”的层次，一定要避免自己的伴侣，真心爱上或者迷恋上外面的情人。和“外遇”的亲密关系，危及甚至取代原来的伴侣，这种情形，有些时候的确可能发生。一旦出现这种情况，所有被涉及的人，都难免感到恐慌。想想看，如果你历经几个月乃至几年的思想斗争，终于能够与内心的醋意和平共存，克服了对“在开放关系中，自己被伴侣所抛弃”的恐惧感，然而到头来，自己却真的被伴侣抛弃出局：这种感受，糟糕透顶。

But it is not possible to predict when or with whom a crush, or any other deepening of feelings, might happen, and most crushes pass in time and do not need to lead to breaking up. We certainly do not want to draw the boundaries of our agreements so tightly that we exclude everybody we like. There is no rule that will protect us from our own emotions, so we need to look beyond rules for solutions and for a sense of security.

但无论如何，你的伴侣可能在什么时候、和什么人，产生深爱——或者其他深厚的感情——这根本无法预测。然而反过来讲，大多数情况下，和“外遇”的深爱，往往来得突然、降温也快，根本不至于威胁到长期的伴侣和家庭的稳定。所以，我们大可不必在和伴侣双方的共识协定中，加入一板一眼的严格限制，导致把我们所喜欢的人，统统排除在开放关系之外。何况，根本没有任何规则，能够限制我们任何人的情感思绪。为此，我们唯有站在“规则、约束”之外，才能找到赖以维系“伴侣之间互有安全感、确定感”的解决方案。

It can help to do a reality check on your fantasies and expectations. New relationships are often exciting because they are new, glowing with sexual arousal, and too untested to have uncovered the inevitable conflicts and disturbances that come with true intimacy over time. Every relationship has a honeymoon phase, and honeymoons do not last forever. Some people get addicted to the honeymoon (which you may hear called “limerence”or “new relationship energy”or NRE) and wind up flying from partner to partner, always imagining that the next partner will be the perfect one. Such unfortunates may never stay with anyone long enough to discover the deeper intimacy and profound security that comes with confronting, struggling with, and conquering the hard parts of intimacy together.

你不妨针对自己的种种幻想和期待，逐一探讨其现实可行性，这种方式也许能够解决你的很多难题。新的亲密关系，之所以激动人心，无非是一个“新”字：随着性唤起的情欲而渐入佳境，同时，尚未经历种种磨难考验，例如人际之间难以避免、长久真爱必然包含的冲突龃龉。每一场亲密关系，都有“蜜月”阶段，而“蜜月”注定短暂，无法永久持续。有些人对“蜜月”阶段痴迷成瘾（也许你听说过所谓的“恋爱狂热者”，或者“新建立的亲密关系，具有特殊的巨大能量”等说法），这种人不断更换新的爱侣，总在期待“我的下一个伴侣将会完美无缺”。这样的人，其可怜之处，在于他们由于无法与任何人维持较长时间的爱情，也就无从感知以下事实：深情厚谊的亲密感，和稳固互信的安全感，恰恰源于直面那些长期搭伴过日子的种种困境，为之痛苦挣扎，并最终克服难关的体验。

Our friend Carol wisely notes:

本书两位作者的共同友人，凯罗尔，提出以下充满智慧的看法：

Sexual time is connected with intimate time for most of us; we come to depend on our partners for various kinds of emotional support. So we get into this pattern where we share all our hard emotional unsexy needs—all the work of living together, the sickness and health, richer and poorer stuff—with our life partner, and we’re on our best behavior with our other partners. However, while being in a long-term relationship may involve trading away some of the juicy excitement of a brand-new unknown partner, the intimacy you get in return is valuable too, and you can’t have that with a person you met two weeks ago. The trick is to find a way to manifest both possibilities—the intimacy of sharing and the heat of novelty—in your own life.

我们当中的大多数，在和其ta人进行性爱互动、性快感分享时，往往其中也包含着灵肉交融的亲昵感——我们往往会对长期稳定的性伴侣兼生活伴侣，产生心理依赖感，或者说，将伴侣作为某种意义上的情感支持者。为此，我们难免步入这样的行为模式：和我们一起过日子的性伴侣，承载着“替我们分担负面情绪”的需求，任由我们倾诉各种苦水——例如家长里短的摩擦，对疾病和健康的焦虑，或者有没有钱之类的烦恼：这些闹心话题，毫无性感魅力；然而，对家门之外、感情不深的新欢伴侣，我们往往不会谈及上述话题，只会对其展现出最有魅力的自己。如此一来，当你处于长期的亲密关系之中，往往就意味着，那些甜蜜多汁的初恋回忆、精彩欢愉，如今都难以持续，只好“认命”、放弃。“甘蔗很难两头甜”，你和老伴儿弥足珍贵的相濡以沫，也同样很难发生在和刚认识半个月的新欢之间。行文至此，其解决方案也就呼之欲出：掏心窝子的亲密信赖感，和怦然心动的新奇感，是两种不同的人生体验——你很难“吊死在一棵树上”，那就不妨多找些人，来分别实现。

Remember, please, that fantasy is not reality, and enjoy your fantasies while you maintain your commitments. When your expectation is that a crush is a brief, if wonderful, experience, you and your partner can live through one with relative equanimity and without destroying your long-term stability and love with each other.请不要忘记，美好的幻想，并不等于现实；在天马行空追寻梦想的同时，也要在当下现实的家庭生活中，付出热诚、尽职尽责。只要你对“外遇”，抱持着“短暂激情体验”的期待态度，你和你的老伴儿，就能够波澜不起地安稳度日，一如既往地相爱彼此。

分开过日子的伴侣

The Two-House Couple

Not all couples live together. In recent years it has become more common that couple-style partnerships, with all the closeness and longevity of couplehood, may nonetheless span two or more households. Dossie has extensive experience living this way. Sometimes this situation comes about by happenstance: school or career commitments, for example, may create geographical distance. Other couples have made a conscious choice, like one duo of our acquaintance who have maintained a ten-year bond by deciding about three years ago that they should live in separate dwellings. According to them, this saved their relationship.

并非所有的伴侣，双方都在一个屋檐下同居。像婚姻伴侣一样的长期搭档，近年来越发常见；这种类型的亲密关系，也会像老两口一样亲密无间、地久天长，但彼此可能分别居住在两个（或者更多个）不同的地方。本书作者之一道茜，就有很多这样的经历。有些时候，这种情况事出偶然，比如为了上学或上班，日常通勤更方便。还有一些伴侣，出于慎重考虑，决定长期分居。就像笔者认识的一对，亲密关系已经维持了十年；三年前，ta俩决定分居两处、分开生活——这种做法，反而让双方的亲密关系得以继续。

This life choice, we think, may well become even more common in the future. In times of financial security, sharing a house is no longer an economic necessity. Individuals in these couples may well be sharing a home with housemates, not necessarily wasting resources living alone. While some of them are polyamorous, others may be more or less monogamous. Arguments about who sleeps where become unnecessary when everybody has their own beds, but that’s not the main reason these couples cite for living separately: most of them simply feel that their relationships work better that way. Your authors, for instance, have been coauthors and lovers for sixteen years and have never chosen to cohabit: we understand our relationship to be a magical gift that daily living might well destroy (if Dossie’s inexplicable need for clean dishes didn’t do the trick, Janet’s devil-may-care attitude toward past-due bills certainly would).

笔者认为，这样的人生选择，将来大概会更加常见。普遍富裕的日子里，共享一宅、彼此同居，不再是经济层面的必须。和老伴儿分居，也并不意味着独守空房，也可以找另一些人搭伴，房子里的各种资源也可以一点都不浪费。这样生活的人，既可以是彻底开放的多边关系、多性伴侣，也可以在某种程度上，依然固守对老伴儿的专一。 【例如，和同居的室友没有性关系，只和住在另一个地方的老伴儿不定期相聚、做爱；再如，虽然和同居的室友之间，可以发生多种类型的性快感互动，但某些特定的性游戏——比如戴着链子做“狗”——只和老伴儿玩，只有老伴儿才能做自己的“主人”。——译者注】 和老伴儿之间，关于“谁在哪里睡觉”的共识协定，至此再无必要，因为各有各的房、各有各的床。然而上述的便利，并不是众多伴侣选择分开居住的首要原因：更重要的是，那些选择分开住的伴侣，发现采取这种做法，确实能够让双方的亲密关系，质量有所改善。其中一个例子，就是本书的两位作者，相爱十六年，并且合著了很多书，但从来没有在同一个家里搭伴过日子。我俩都有明确共识：千万不要被同居生活的柴米油盐家长里短，将这份奇迹般的亲密关系，变成爱情的坟墓。（道茜对碗碟餐具的干净整洁，有着无法解释的格外关注；珍妮特对逾期未结的账单，总是抱着“鬼才在乎”的态度。如果搭伴过日子，这些烂事难免把我们俩的亲密感情消磨殆尽。）

We should not assume that such relationships represent a failure of intimacy or commitment. Rather than look for what is wrong, we might want to examine what is uniquely adaptive about these partnerings and what special skills or wisdom have developed from these new, assumption-challenging partnerships.

我们不应认定，这种相爱之人分开生活的亲密关系，表明双方感情出了问题，或者对责任担当的逃避。较之“究竟哪里出了问题”的态度，笔者往往更希望你，好好审视下“众多诸如此类的亲密关系，分别具有哪些个性化的自我调适、自我修复方法”，以及，“在那些既新奇、又超出我们预设框架的亲密关系中，能够培育出哪些特别的技能或智慧”。

Often such partners create rituals that maintain their connection when apart—agreements about phone calls, ways of reaffirming love at comings-together and leave-takings, keeping caught up with the news in each other’s lives, marking one space or time as “theirs” and another space or time as belonging to one or the other of them.

上述类型的伴侣，通常都会创造出一些颇具仪式感的做法，确保在分居之时，亲密关系也能维系：例如，针对电话联系的种种要点，达成一致共识；在重逢和暂别时，怎样让彼此都能感受到“爱与被爱，依然保鲜”；既要营造一些伴侣双方共享的时间和空间，又要各自拥有一片独立的小天地。

Making this arrangement work requires some skills in scheduling and keeping time commitments, so differences between individuals in how they handle time and punctuality must be worked out. Differences in patterns of sexual desire can become problematic when opportunities don’t happen every night.

达成上述的共识，需要对彼此的时间，做好妥善规划，而且要在双方共处的时间里，真正付出情感、尽心尽责。不同的人，难免对时间的把控能力不同；能否做到持之以恒的守时守约，也因人而异——这对此类问题，必须设法解决。尤其是，谁也无法保证在每次相聚时，彼此的性欲望都处于“来电”状态，这也许会成为更大的麻烦。

How do you respect your partner’s space in this arrangement and feel secure in your own? Do you have to go home when you want a little distance, or can you figure out a way to maintain your own space in a house that belongs to one of you? How much stuff do you get to keep there?

为此，双方都要想一想：怎样才能做到既尊重伴侣的个人空间，又能让自己拥有对这段亲密关系的乐观确定感？当你想和伴侣，保持一些距离，除了回自己家，是否还有其他方法？或者，能否开辟另一个场所（产权也许属于你本人，也许属于你的伴侣），实现暂时独处、拥有个人空间的需求？你又能把自己的多少东西，一直放在这样的场所？

People often have differences about how much staying-in-touch they are comfortable with when they are apart—some people chat on the phone or text or instant message two or three times a day, while others would find that too distracting.

另一个问题，是双方分开生活时，在何种程度上保持联系，才能感到“甜而不腻”。例如有人每天打两三次电话，或者用文字在线聊天两三次，才觉得满意，但另一方却感觉，这让自己一直分心，扰乱了属于自己的那部分生活。

All of the differences that all couples need to manage still need to be managed when they live apart: differences in gregariousness, tidiness, work patterns, focus on careers, how money gets handled, how often you have your mother over for dinner—no two people have identical patterns in any, much less all, of these items. And, sorry, living apart is not automatic protection against couple bed death. Nor is every time together automatically an occasion for sex, even though we often wish it were.

所有的伴侣双方，都是参差不同的个体；伴侣之间需要解决的所有问题，即使双方分开过日子，也同样要面对：例如不同的社交依赖度，对“干净整洁”的不同要求 【例如有的人，要求桌面一尘不染，但可任由冰箱冷藏的熟食不加盖薄膜，或者有了霉点的馒头撕掉表皮照样吃；有人（如本书译者）则与之截然相反，对形式上的脏乱比较钝感，代之以对“生物、化学风险”的谨慎盘算——译者注】 ，工作模式的不同，做事专注力的差异，使用钱财的不同习惯，乃至每隔多久请老妈过来吃顿饭之类的分歧……普天之下没有任何两个人，于此林林总总，都能一致合拍。除此之外，还要再说一句扫兴的话：和老伴儿之间在所难免的“床上不来电”难题，别幻想凭借所谓“小别胜新婚”的分居，就能够自然而然地消弭。每次相聚都能“性高彩烈”，无论你多么一厢情愿，这个美好愿望也终究不等于现实。

We suspect that couples living separately will not be that different in their sexual lifestyles from those who live together. It can, however, make being together much more of a special occasion, so people tend to respect these times and be willing to invest a little effort into making them special.

笔者有个并不十分笃定的猜想：那些分开居住的伴侣，其性生活的方式风格，相比于那些在一起搭伴过日子的伴侣，其实根本没啥不同。当然，我们并不否认，分开过日子，确有可能让偶尔的相聚，显得非同寻常——这会促使彼此都对相聚之刻倍加珍惜，并且乐于为此作些付出，这样一来，当双方在一起时，真的和平常大不一样，真能发热发光。

Many couples date for some period of time, perhaps even years, before moving in together. Are they then to be considered couples who lived separately by choice, or were they merely getting ready for the “real” stuff? Some couples, after dating for a very long time, may look at what living together would look like and decide that it would be a bad idea—maybe all those differences would work out better in separate spaces. This decision can be hard to make in a society where living together is practically the definition of relationship.

很多伴侣在同居之前，都经历过不断约会、然后各回各家的时期，这样的时期，可能长达数年。对这样的伴侣，究竟应该被看作“自愿选择之下的长期分居”，还是，将这种现象，视为“真爱”之前的准备、“真正安心过日子”前的预热？事实上，很多相爱的伴侣，在经历彼此约会（但不同居）很长时间后，可能就会觉察到“如果一起生活，画面将是怎样”，进而打定主意：首先，我绝不想要这样的生活；其次，只要我们一直分开过日子，彼此的各种差异问题，就都能解决，不会影响亲密关系的继续。——这样的抉择，在一个普遍将“一起生活”视为亲密关系之必备要素的社会，难免要一路走过很多纠结，来之极其不易。

One question people often ask such couples is:“Then how do you know you’re a couple?” They know by how they feel about each other and, by extension, how much of their lives they are sharing. We’d like to see a world where all of our relationships are honored and valued and where it is understood that a couple’s love and their journey together is in no way less important just because it occurs in two houses rather than one.

很多人对分开过日子的伴侣，还有一个疑问：“既然双方不在一起生活，那么，你凭什么确信自己，和ta是一对伴侣？Ta又怎么确信和你的亲密关系？”事实上，这样的伴侣，双方都能通过彼此交互的感受——尤其是，双方的生活日常，在多大程度上交流分享——来明确自己在对方心中的特殊位置。笔者期待看到这样的一个世界：多元多样的亲密关系，都能得到普遍的认同和肯定；大家都能懂得，人际之间的爱情，和人生旅程的同行，其弥足珍贵的分量，绝不会因为分别住在两个地方，就比同居在一起有所贬低。

主动和“第三者”沟通

Relating to Third Parties

Your relationship with your lover’s lovers brings up points of etiquette that Emily Post never dreamed of. One couple we talked to noted,“It’s important that we not be totally grossed out or disgusted by one another’s lovers—especially if it’s going to be long-term, it helps if we can all be friends.”

如何面对“所爱之人的所爱之人”？应当与之建立怎样的人际关系？其中的人情事理，像艾米丽·博斯特这样的人际交流与礼仪专家，大概即使在梦里也未曾考虑过。一对曾与笔者交流过的伴侣，这样讲到：“当你爱上一个人，希望和ta建立长期的亲密关系，那就千万不要让自己，在这个人的所有情人眼里，留下面目可憎、令人作呕的总体印象。和心上人的情侣们搞好关系，对你和所爱之人的天长地久，也大有裨益。”

Dossie notes,

本书作者之一道茜，有以下分享：

I was once in a relationship with a man who had a primary partner whom I had not met. I had asked to meet her, and she was considering whether she felt safe enough to do that. Their arrangement was that when Patrick had a date with me, Louisa would make a date with her other lover, and everybody would, hopefully, feel safe and taken care of. Unfortunately, Louisa’s other lover frequently stood her up, and then Patrick would stand me up, which I began to find unacceptable. This was the first time I had asserted any right to consideration of me as the outside lover—we are so used to seeing the outsider as the home wrecker that we rarely think to protect that person’s feelings. With much back and forth, and after the promised meeting, Louisa finally agreed that Patrick could see me whether or not she had a date, and we would make sure that she got plenty of advance notice, that he got home on time, and that she got lots of support from both of us. As we worked through this, Louisa and I got closer and closer—I particularly remember one night when we were worried about Patrick and sat up late talking about him while he slept in the next room. Louisa and I became best friends and went into business together, putting on work-shops and theater presentations. We all three traveled together and had a wonderful time. Patrick and I wound up growing apart as lovers, but the friendship between Louisa and me carried on.

我曾和一个男人，有过一段时间的亲密关系；这个男人有个最重要的生活伴侣，而我和他的那位伴侣并不认识。我要求和他的那位伴侣（女）见面，但她充满顾虑，除非对此有足够的安全感才肯答应。那个名叫帕垂克的男票，和他的老伴儿路易莎，所达成的共识协定之一，是每当帕垂克和我约会时，路易莎也可以和她自己的某个外遇情人相约，以期让彼此都心安理得，都不会觉得自己受了委屈。但不幸的是，路易莎的那个外遇情人，经常失约放鸽子；这就导致上述共识协定的条件无法达成，帕垂克也很难按照约定和我相见。上述情况多次出现，令我感到无法容忍。那时我第一次以“小三”的身份，提出自己的权益主张——毕竟，将外遇情人视为家庭关系的破坏者，这样的理念，我们谁都饱受其熏染，谁都难免（在自己一旦成为“小三”时）将这种歧视内化于心；这也导致我们往往根本不考虑“小三”的情绪感受。经过反复的拉锯、掰扯，路易莎终于同意和我面谈。从此以后，无论路易莎是否在外面有约，帕垂克都可以和我幽会；而我和帕垂克的每次相约，也会确保让路易莎提前知情、充分了解。帕垂克和我亲热完，都能按照和路易莎的提前约定，准时回家；而路易莎也为我和帕垂克的“奸情”，提供了很多支持。当昔日的难题得到妥善解决，路易莎和我的关系也越发融洽。我至今记得，在一个夜晚，帕垂克独自熟睡，路易莎与我坐在隔壁房间彻夜长谈，都在为帕垂克的事情而操心。路易莎和我成为至交好友和业务伙伴，一起开办工作坊、从事戏剧表演。我们三人一起旅游，共享美好时光。如今，帕垂克仍是我的情人，但已和我天各一方，而路易莎与我的友谊，依然地久天长。

Should you meet the third party? We vote yes: if you don’t, you’ll almost certainly wind up imagining someone cuter, sexier, more predatory, and more threatening than anyone could be outside a Hollywood erotic thriller. Besides, who knows?—you might wind up liking him or her.

“一定要和‘第三者’见面交流吗？”笔者对这个问题，投赞成票，持肯定态度。如果你和“第三者”未曾谋面，就难免会陷入各种“脑补”，将此人想象得比影视剧中的“狐狸精”，更魅、更骚、更狠、更“勾魂”，也更能威胁到你，随时都会将你三振出局。——但事实究竟怎样，你自己若不主动了解，别人谁还能帮你？当你真的见到那个“小三”，说不定你还会喜欢上ta呢！

Do your best to fall in like. If you take against one of your partner’s lovers, things can get very messy, and happy balances can get hard to find. We sometimes regard lovers whom we do not instantly adore the way we do in-laws. We may not exactly love our brother’s wife, or our mother’s new husband, but we recognize that this person has joined our family and has rights and feelings just like everybody else, so we find ways to be cordial at the various gatherings that we all attend.

当你和“第三者”会面，不妨尽最大努力，让自己能够欣赏、喜欢对方。如果你和自家老伴儿的某个情侣，存心势不两立，闹得水火不容，只会把事态搞得更为混乱，之后想要找到一个各方都乐于接受的平衡点，也将难上加难。我们不妨将“一看就很不喜欢”的第三者，当做某个“反正也不会成天见面”的姻亲。就像已经成年的我们，用不着和嫂子，或者新来的继父，关系处得有多铁，但我们要明确的是，这个人已经成为自家的一员，拥有和其ta家人一样的权益，也和其ta人一样有着自己的感受。我们都需要和五花八门的人，设法和谐共处。

Some of our best friends are people we met because someone we were fucking was fucking them too. You may even find yourself considering forming a liaison with this person yourself—we talked to one woman whose first experience with open relationships took place when her girlfriend was sleeping with another woman and our friend wound up falling in love with the other woman. “My girlfriend got kind of cranky about this,” she remembers wryly. “We’re all tight family now, but it took a decade to get here.”We suggest a few moments of soul-searching to make sure your motivation is loving or lustful rather than vengeful or competitive—then, if you “test clean,” go for it. It’s really not too surprising that you like the same people your partner likes, and mutual attractions like these can form the nucleus of a long-lasting and very rewarding little tribe.

就笔者而言，有些至交好友，当初之所以有缘相识，就是因为性爱关系的串联——我和张三互相肏，而张三除我之外，也去肏李四、也被王五肏。也许你会发现，其中的某些人，你也想与之“私通”、发生“奸情”。有一位和笔者有过交流的女子，对开放关系的初体验，便是因为她的女友和另一个女人上了床，而此事的后续发展，是该女子爱上了所谓的“小三”。“我的女友对此有些不满。”回想此事时，她带着挖苦的语调，“如今，我们三人亲如一家，但我们花了十年，才终于达到现在的状态。”——讲到这里，笔者还要提个建议，你需要花点时间来审视自己，确保你和“第三者”尝试沟通的动机，是出于关爱或者色欲，而不是存心报复或者与之攀比。如果你已经确定自己的动机，没有上述问题，那就尽管放开去做。也许你会发现，伴侣喜欢的人，也正是你所喜欢的类型：这很正常，不要大惊小怪。通过这样的相互吸引，彼此可以凝聚在一起（前文所说的“多边恋爱大家族”，这就是一个小小的雏形），如核心家庭一般（或者说，最初以你们三人为核心，之后可以继续滚雪球，发展更多人），长久互爱，幸福多多。

【一个关系平等的“三人行”，最好确保其中的每两个人，都是亲密爱人，同时每个人，都是另外两个人的“小三”——“小三”和“爱人”，在这个场域、这段关系里，差异坍塌，张力消弭，不分彼此，整合为一。相反，如果像传说中舜帝的家庭那样，娥皇、女英姐妹都与舜相爱，但这对姐妹之间，并没有乱伦的亲密关系（乱伦在此是褒义词，也就是亲属之间发生性行为、恋爱关系），这样的三角关系就很容易失衡：难免会在一些时候，姐妹之一被舜帝格外偏爱，另一人则对自己受到冷落的事实，逐渐超出了安全感的底线，忍无可忍，从而根本无法不产生攀比、对抗或曰“与之争抢爱情份额”的心态。针对上述情形，译者唯有建议，要想维持长期安稳的关系，处于类似娥皇、女英位置的双方，都不妨各自去发展除舜帝之外的性伴侣、亲密伴侣；或者，如果舜帝是双性恋，娥皇和女英均为异性恋，最好能够再找个双性恋男子，既和舜有一腿，也是娥皇、女英姐妹共同的性伴侣，从而将三人行的核心家庭，扩充到四人行。——当然，假如译者穿越到传说中的尧舜时代，上面这番大实话，除非坐在装甲车里，否则绝不敢随便说。性（sexuality）,是随处都能零距离直达政治学之内核领域的“虫洞”；“个人的就是政治的”，于涉及“性”的林林总总，尤为凸显。——译者】

On the other hand, we sometimes see sluts who feel that they have to be sexual with their lover’s lovers. In some cases, both parties in a partnership have an agreement to play with a third party only together. Such agreements require that both partners have veto power over potential thirds—being sexual with someone you find unattractive or unpleasant is a very bad idea for you and for them. On the other hand, basic slut ethics should not allow you to abuse this power to prevent your partner from having sex with anyone at all by vetoing everybody: a strategy that may seem tempting, because until you unlearn jealousy, all outside engagements can look very threatening. Sometimes you need to gather up your strength, face down your fears, and unlearn by doing.

而从另一个方面看，笔者也会经常遇到这样的婊子：觉得自己理应和“小三”（所爱之人的所爱之人）发生性关系。其中有些老两口，达成了这样的共识协定：“要和第三者发生性关系，必须咱俩一起参与。”这样的共识协定，需要双方都有权对任何一个潜在的第三者“投票否决票”——如果此人令自己性味索然甚至心生厌烦，硬着头皮与之做爱，彼此都会很不爽。话又说回来，身为一个婊子，理应充满粪土公序良俗、反社会但不反人类的浩然正气，绝不应该滥用上述权力，企图阻碍自己的伴侣和其ta任何人发生性关系。何况，一切试图“管控伴侣裤裆”的策略，都顶多只能奏效一时；除非你将醋意的屠刀真正放下，否则，伴侣在家门外的一切“风吹草动”，在你的心目中，都无异于风声鹤唳、杯弓蛇影。这时的你，往往需要让自己的内心变得强大起来，直面你的恐惧，通过新的实践，来冲淡旧的习气。

You may simply feel that since your partner likes and lusts after this person so much, you should too—to assuage your partner’s guilt or to satisfy some obscure sense of fairness. Please don’t. If you simply don’t feel hot for your squeeze’s squeeze, don’t let yourself be driven into a position where you feel you have to fuck out of politeness: there are many other excellent ways for people to relate to one another. Cook a nice dinner, go to the movies together, play cards together, or find some other way to help this person feel accepted into your life.

也许，你会简单地认为，如果某个人，让你的伴侣“神魂颠倒”，就同样也能让你“来电”；也许，“我也一定要和‘小三’有一腿”的执念背后，还包含着“想要以此冲淡伴侣的负罪感”或者“让我心中难以名状的恐惧黑洞，由此得到填补”等意图。——上述种种，大可不必，我床伴的床伴，可以永远都不是我的床伴，和我在肉体上毫无瓜葛。如果你对“所爱之人的所爱之人”根本没啥性趣，就不要硬让自己非得和ta“出于礼貌”上床。人际之间还有其他很多非常好的交流方式，例如，一起做顿好吃的，一起看电影或者打牌……总之，让对方乐于接纳你，方法多得是。

Which brings up an important question: how much responsibility do you have for helping your lover’s lovers feel secure and welcome? We’ve both spent many long telephone conversations reassuring our lovers’ lovers that, yes, it’s really okay, and have a great time, honey. We think that your own needs should be of primary importance to you, and if you really just can’t be welcoming and supportive then simple civility can suffice. On the other hand, we also think it’s gracious to be as friendly as you can without having to grit your teeth and force a smile. At minimum, we suggest that you try to provide some reassurance that this is not a competition, that you are not being harmed by anything that’s going on, and that you are able to take care of your own emotions—in other words, a promise to own your own stuff and not blame the third party. After all, such people come into your life because you share something very important: the belief that your partner is the hottest thing on legs. They presumably have better things to do with their time and energy than sitting around plotting how to destroy your happiness.

随之而来的一个重要问题是：让“所爱之人的所爱之人”感受到安全和善意，你究竟需要为此担负多大的责任？——本书的两位作者，都曾与“所爱之人的所爱之人”在电话里长谈许久，反复向ta们表示“你所做的一切，对我而言都完全没问题”、“祝愿你和我家里的那个货，玩得更爽更嗨”。【本书的两位作者，都是多边关系的资深践行者，其中一人更是有数十年经验的性爱与亲密关系咨询师。她俩都能随时保护好自己的内心感受。一般人面对上述情况，需要先谨慎斟酌自己的心理承受力，和“究竟能在多大程度上帮助对方”的身心余力，以免让自己尚未完全解构的心底纠结，由此雪上加霜，搞得自己很受伤，还可能“好心办坏事”，有意无意地把自己的负面情绪投射给对方。——译者注】笔者对你们——大多数普通人——的建议是：一定要把自己的需求，放在最高的优先级。如果你并不欢迎ta，或者知道自己根本帮助不了ta，那么，只需说几句场面话，胡乱敷衍过去就完事大吉。从另一方面讲，所谓的言行得体、友善待人，并不等于刻意挤出笑容、露出牙齿。我们所建议的最低标准，是你能够告知“第三者”以下三点：“首先，你我之间并非此消彼长的拔河竞争，而是完全可以两全其美地双赢；其次，你所做的一切，都伤害不到我；第三，你也完全有能力照顾好自己的情绪。”换句话说，就是向第三者承诺：“我自己的一切，我自己负责，决不会指责你什么。”说白了，你和“小三”之所以会结缘，无非是因为你们俩都和同一个人有了一腿，拥有共同的情欲对象。Ta也有自己的一大堆事情，哪有功夫成天枯坐，满脑子琢磨着如何破坏你的家庭？

Some couples take meeting and interviewing prospective partners very seriously, and we suggest this strategy when your model of polyamory requires that you include any new partner in your family. People with children, for instance, care a lot about who comes home to the house and could wind up as an uncle or an auntie to your kids. Some poly people will not consummate sex with a lover until all these issues have been dealt with, and those are fine decisions to make if they fit your lifestyle: long engagements can be a very good idea.

笔者建议，当你的开放关系模式，已经到了需要扩充家庭人员的时候，就需要对潜在的新加入者，进行深入的交流和慎重的“面试”。例如有小孩的人，往往就会在意：经常出入自家的叔叔、阿姨，究竟是怎样的为人，能否长久可靠。还有一些多边关系者、多性伙伴者，只有明确对方的很多情况，才会考虑是否与之上床。这样的做法，只要和你的生活方式不冲突，就是一种可行之道；长久稳固的多边关系，值得尝试、体验。

【长期搭伴生活，显然不同于约炮；与之深入交流，应当格外留意哪些方面，哪些方面可以淡化、忽视（毕竟人无完人，完美对象永远只能存在于虚构的世界），这非常重要。译者建议，要格外留意对方的以下两点：第一，是非暴力沟通的能力和习惯（成人童话中那些一言不合就亮剑的江湖豪侠，往往都是非常糟糕的伴侣）；第二，要警惕权力控制（如果对方是你的当下的上司、老师，或者是你非常敬畏、非常神往的人，更要倍加警惕；或者，干脆决不涉足这样的亲密关系——例如大学生遇到德高望重的老教授，智性的景仰转化为脸红心跳的爱慕，此刻便不妨在心中对自己“当头棒喝”：听完讲座顶多大家一起合张影，赶紧离场“上厕所”去！），包括精神操控（译者强烈建议每个12岁以上的人，都通过在线搜索、询问AI、查询书籍等方式，充分了解下“投射性认同”[projective identification]、“煤气灯操控”[gaslighting]、“基于性别的暴力”[gender-based violence, GBV]的种种表现形式。——译者】

After the crush is over, some people will find a long-term place in your life, often unexpected, like the lover who has become your kid’s favorite uncle or your partner’s business partner. Others may leave, and when they leave with warm feelings, they may come back again in the future, when once again there is a place for them in your life or for you in theirs. Thus the infinitely connected polyamorous slut builds his web of extended families and tribes.

有些人在热恋的激情过后，会在你的人生旅途中，长期拥有一席之地——但这也许会以某种始料不及的方式，例如，成为你的孩子最喜欢的叔叔，或者成为你家老伴儿的事业合作者。还有些人，也许在床上和你完了事，就转身离开，但彼此的温存，则是永久不灭的回忆——将来或可重逢，前缘还能再续。凡此种种，都让惯于多边关系的婊子，拥有了构筑人际网络的无限可能；边界开放的家族部落，便是如此形成。

Two of our favorite sluts have been together nearly twenty years, loving each other and a lot of other wonderful people. One year, for Tina’s birthday, Trace bought her what we think is the ultimate birthday present: three season tickets to an excellent performance series … one for Tina, one for Trace, and one for whichever of Tina’s lovers she chose to invite to each event. (Dossie got to see Ravi Shankar!)

笔者最为欣赏的众多的婊子之中，有两个人，分别名叫缇娜和特雷斯，已经一起生活了二十多年，既彼此相爱，也同时爱着其ta很多有情有义之人。有一年缇娜过生日，特雷斯为她购买的牛逼礼物，是三张非常值得观赏的系列演出季节票。这三张票，一张给缇娜，一张留给特雷斯自己，剩下的那张，则由缇娜决定“每次一起看演出，带着哪个情人去”。（本书作者之一的道茜，就是通过这个机缘，有幸亲临印度传统音乐名家拉维·香卡的演出盛会！）

你最重要的老伴儿，可以不止一人

Primary and Primary and …

Some very capable sluts maintain more than one primary relationship. Dossie has known one such couple, Robert and Celia, for almost four decades. They together raised two children from previous relationships, and subsequently some grandchildren. Each has another primary partner, both usually women, and family relationships with all their exes. Robert’s outside partner May was originally lover to Celia’s lover Judy back in 1985, then became lovers with Celia, and finally with Robert from 1988 to the present and, they intend, on into the future. Some years ago Miranda and Celia lived upstairs, and Robert and May lived downstairs.Currently Cheryl, another of Celia’s previous girlfriends, lives upstairs and helps with the grandchildren; Miranda, another of Celia’s exes, visits two days a week since she lives out of town but attends school nearby. Are you dizzy yet? All of these people, plus many other friends and lovers of various degrees of intimacy, both present and historical, and most of their friends and lovers, form a very long-term extended family that has lived, loved, and raised children together for nearly forty years and plans to care for one another in their old age. We are impressed.

一些能力出色的婊子，最重要的亲密关系不止一个，并且都能长期维持得很好。本书作者之一道茜，认识一对相爱四十年的伴侣，分别名叫罗伯特和赛丽亚。他俩一起把两个孩子抚养长大，这两个孩子又为他俩带来了好些孙辈。与此同时，他们两人都各有另一些同样重要的多年老伴儿——大都是女性，并且和很多前任情侣一起，形成了多人共处的大家庭。罗伯特的另一个老伴儿梅姐，早在1985年，曾是赛丽亚的情人茱蒂的情人，随后也同时爱上了赛丽亚，最终在1988年，和罗伯特走在一起。梅姐和罗伯特相爱至今，并期待携手到永久。前些年，赛丽亚和她的另一个爱侣米兰达，睡在二层独栋的楼上，而赛丽亚的老伴儿罗伯特，则与梅姐睡在楼下。而现在，和赛丽亚一起睡在楼上的，是个名叫谢丽尔的女人，她是赛丽亚钟爱的很多女友之一。谢丽尔帮助赛丽亚照顾孙辈孩童。至于米兰达，虽已成为赛丽亚的众多前任之一，并且搬家离开了市中心，但每周也会趁着来附近学校上课的由头，在赛丽亚等人的家里住上两天。——你是不是已经看得眼花缭乱了？上述的所有人，以及众多和ta们“有一腿”但亲密程度不同之人，其中涵盖了昔日的情侣和当下的伙伴，共同构建了一个超长保鲜、不断拓展的大家庭：扎堆生活，相依相爱，共同抚养孩子。这个大家庭，四十年来繁盛不衰，相约抱团照顾到老。笔者对此深感钦佩。

第18章 伴侣关系：多元开放大同，性福美美与共