第19章单身舞曲：尽可骚情，但互不“拥有”

CHAPTER NINETEEN The Single Slut

TO LIVE SINGLE is unusual in most cultures. Most people look on their periods of singlehood as temporary, often accidental, and to be ended as quickly as possible. You are recovering from your last relationship, mourning a breakup, or too busy working on a career to handle hunting for romance. Perhaps there aren’t any good candidates around right now. Something better will surely come along soon…so you wait, not even thinking of making a lifestyle out of how you are living today. Your authors hasten to assure you that there are more positive approaches to the lifestyle of the single slut.

绝大多数的社会文化，都将单身生活，视为一种异常状况。大多数人都把自己的独身时期，作为一种暂时情形——而且往往是因为不情愿的意外变故——并且期待尽早“脱单”，越快越好。单身时的你，也许在疗愈上一段亲密关系所带来的创伤，也许为之前的分手而懊丧，也许为事业前程而繁忙，无心顾及儿女情长；身边的人，似乎没有谁适合自己、值得考虑，但不管怎样，相信在不久的将来，一定会遇到更好的伴侣。——所以单身时的你，在等待改变现状的时机，而不会考虑：当下如何活出“一个人的精彩”，并让这样的精彩，成为生活常态。但本书的作者，则希望你能够尽快晓得：作为婊子，有无数条异彩纷呈的康庄大道，能够确保你的单身生活，质量同样完好。

What would it be like to be intentionally single, to choose for some period of time to live by yourself? Potential partners can pop up when you least expect them—and in a culture that is built in twos, any relationship that has any life in it is generally regarded as an express train to couplehood. How, then, to stay single?

选择单身，刻意过上一段和自己独处的日子，是怎样的滋味？有望脱单的“良缘”，也许会不期然地出现；在这个普遍期待“有情人终成眷属”的社会文化中，只要你和任何活人，产生任何形式的亲密关系交集，在众多旁人眼里，都等于搭上了“脱单成双号”特快列车。那么，究竟该怎样做，才能妥善维持单身生活？

What would your social support network look like? Would everybody regard you as an outlaw? Might it be possible to get your needs met and feel loved and secure through a community of friends, lovers, family, mentors—your personal human resources?

你的社交圈子，或曰社会支持网络，是怎样的情形？或者，你身边的每个人，都把你当作离经叛道的怪胎？你究竟能否通过自己的社会关系资源——例如朋友、恋人、家人、师长等所构成的人脉网络——让自己的种种需求得到满足，并且，心安理得、从容淡定地享受爱与被爱？

Building your network by yourself can be hard at first—no one but you to make the phone calls, schedule dates for lunch or the movies, make sure to stay connected. It’s up to you to build yourself a family, and it’s up to you to take care of yourself gently and with an open heart.

自力更生，建立属于你自己的人际关系网络，这在起步之时会很困难。一切大事要事或者鸡毛蒜皮，例如电话联系、相约饭局、同看电影，都要靠你自己悉心布局、妥善打理、如约进行、逐一落地，没有人能够为你“打气”或者包办代替。筑建一人之家，一切靠你自己；既要善于自我关爱，又要保持开放心态。

Your relationship with yourself is a lifelong commitment. When you are single, you have unique opportunities to live out that relationship with yourself, to find out who you are, and to celebrate your journey in whatever relationships you may move through as you travel through your life. To live single and in love with many is a voyage of self-discovery, an opportunity to get to know yourself intimately and to work on any changes you want to make in your life. Dossie was single when she first struggled with her jealousy, and having it all to herself made it easier to see inside herself rather than blame someone else, and to make conscious decisions about how she wanted to deal with her feelings.

（无论你是否有伴侣）和自己建立亲密关系，是你永恒的业缘、终身的修炼。当你没有伴侣、独自生活，正是练习和自己相处、不断了解自己的良机；无论你将来踏上怎样的人生旅途，是继续一个人狂欢，还是和其ta任何人亲密共处，都能积极面对、乐在其中。如果你在独自生活的同时，还能和很多人相爱，这不但是一场从亲密和情欲的维度，进行自我探寻的旅程，而且，能够从中磨练出灵活处事、随机应变的能力——这种能力会让你善于顺势而为、因势利导，在任何环境中都能打理好自己的生活，活出无悔的自我。本书作者之一道茜，就是在其单身生活的日子里，第一次针对内心的醋意，发起了艰难的挑战；她所取得的战绩，是从此能够更为从容地审视内在的自己，不再把涉及醋意的问题，归咎于其ta人；尤其是，能够按照自己所期待的目标，颇为理性地处理好自己的情绪。

We are not here to advocate being single over being partnered—this is not an either/or choice. But our culture tends to discount singlehood as a lifestyle, and thus very few people choose to remain single, which means there are relatively few resources and little social status available to the single person. Perhaps if being single were an acceptable, even valued, lifestyle, partnerships might develop more out of choice and less out of a sense of necessity or a desperate grab for salvation.

笔者并非宣扬“单身生活比有人陪伴更好”——二者不存在高下之分，更非只能从中“二选一”。然而我们所处的社会文化，往往不肯把单身，视为一种正常的生活方式，这导致很少有人自愿选择单身生活；如果你一直单身，就会被视为资源匮乏、穷困潦倒，活脱脱一个没人疼没人爱的“狗不理”。或许，如果单身生活，能够被大家普遍接纳、认可，那么今后，更多的伴侣关系，就会成为理性选择的产物，而不再是“饥不择食”的执著和“聊胜于无”的将就。

Partnered people get to share the basics of their lives—working together on shared goals, pooling finances, splitting the hard work of child rearing. Partners also get to share with each other when things are less than pretty—and we all need somebody to let us know that we are still lovable when we are not at our shiniest. The challenge for the single slut is to find ways to deepen the intimacy in relationships that may not be life partnerships.

有伴侣的人，彼此可以在日常生活的很多方面，相互了解、扶持，例如，携手努力圆梦，共同勤俭持家，一起肩负抚养孩子的重任。每个人都难免有处于低谷的时候，此时倍加渴望有人告知自己：“哪怕你处境极其艰难、外表不再光鲜，我对你的爱，也不会改变。”很多时候，只有一起生活的伴侣，才能在“寒冬腊月”相互抱团取暖。——相比之下，单身生活的人，一个很大的挑战，就是也要设法找到一些方式，和不在一起过日子的伙伴，建立同样深厚的情感关联。

Being single, on the other hand, offers the opportunity to spend time being purely who you are. Singles enjoy more freedom to explore, fewer obligations, and the ability to lounge around the house in a holey T-shirt playing video games with nobody the wiser. Perhaps you are single for negative, and valid, reasons. The last relationship was a disaster, and you are terrified to try again. You only feel safe controlling your own finances, or your own kitchen, or your own life. The only way you know how to be in a relationship is to try to be the perfect wife, or husband, or lover, or provider, and you’re exhausted from trying to be someone you are not. You are recovering from a breakup, you want to avoid rebound romance, you need time to grieve. You just haven’t found anyone that you really want to live with.

但从另一个方面看，一个人过，意味着能够保持真实的自我，平时无需刻意掩饰什么。单身者能够探索更大的自由空间，乐享更少的责任约束；你完全可以宅在家里、衣着邋遢、埋头于游戏，根本不用顾虑别人的目光。你对自己的单身状态，或许抱有负面看法，或许还会刻意找出很多理由——例如，上一段亲密关系让你痛苦不堪，现在生怕重蹈覆辙；或者，从钱款到厨房乃至生活的方方面面，只有自主掌控，你才有安全感。另一个常见的单身理由是：当你进入一段亲密关系，你所认定的唯一做法，就是尽量让自己成为完美的配偶、完美的爱人、完美的付出者：这种自我异化的努力，令你内耗到身心枯竭。也许，你正处于分手之后的自我修复期；也许，你生怕再次经历“明月之心照沟渠”、“热脸贴上冷屁股”的痴情自伤；也许，你需要一段痛定思痛的独处时光；也许，你所真心渴望长相厮守之人，至今还没遇到。

Perhaps you are actively choosing to live single at this time in your life. Living alone, you’re free to explore any kind of relationship that crosses your path. You can love someone who wouldn’t make a good partner. You can love someone who already has a partner and who doesn’t need you to help with the mortgage or taking the kids to the orthodontist. You might choose singlehood because you love the joy of the hunt, the magic of flirtation, all the mystery and excitement of newness. Or you might be choosing to develop sexual connections with your friends, or without possessiveness, or any other relationship that is possible without coupling. Each utterly unique person you meet offers a new mirror in which you can see a new view of yourself: each new lover increases your knowledge of the world and your self-knowledge as well.

还有一种可能，是你在当下的人生阶段，自主选择单身生活。单身的你，无论何种形态的亲密关系，只要与你的人生路径产生交集，就尽可去试探、去体验、去发现，什么都不用顾忌。有些人无法成为合适的伴侣，但你依然可以与之相爱。有些人已和其ta人比翼双飞，更不需要你帮忙偿还房贷、抚养小孩，但你依然可以与之相爱。也许，正是逐梦旅途的愉悦、短暂激情的惊喜，以及新欢不断、仿佛人生不断重启的悬疑感和刺激感，当你主动选择单身。还有另一些可能：比如，你和很多好友一起做爱，或曰彼此建立性爱关联；比如，你正在构建一种互不涉及“人身占有”的性爱关系，或者是，构建某种伴侣关系之外的、其他类型的性爱联结方式。每一个人都有独特之处，因此，你所遇到的每一个人，都堪称一面全新的镜子，能够让你从中发现另一些角度的自己；每一个新结识的情侣，都会让你对自己，乃至对整个世界，产生新的认知。

关于爱的一些看法

Some Thoughts about Love

As our relationships blossom all over the rainbow of possibility, each one may inspire different feelings of love. When we learn to recognize and welcome love as we find it in our hearts in all of its many and marvelous manifestations—sexual love, familial love, friendly love, passionate love, gentle love, overwhelming love, caretaking love, and millions of others—we discover a river of rich and nourishing love that can flow through our lives in a constantly replenishing stream.

在我们当中，那些开花结果、切实可行的亲密关系，形态五花八门，宛如七色彩虹；这让每一个人对爱的感受，也难免大不相同。爱，有很多种美妙的呈现：例如性吸引下的爱，一家人搭伴过日子的爱，朋友之间的爱；爱既可以像干柴烈火，也可以君子之交淡如水；爱的力量，也许足以战胜一切困难，也许是“偶尔治愈，一直陪伴”……爱的形状，多彩多样，千言万语的阐述，也只能是沧海一粟。只要我们对心中涌现的种种爱意，学会接纳、欢迎，就会从中发现，一条物产丰富、充满滋养的爱之长河，源源不断、常流常新地伴随着你我的人生旅程。

The way to feel solid enough to swim in that ever-changing river is to learn to love yourself. Some people believe that to love yourself is selfish, in a negative way, and that to spend some part of your life focusing on yourself is not only selfish but also narcissistic. How do you draw a line between healthy self-esteem and pathological narcissism? How much self are you allowed to have?

在随时都在流变的爱情长河中游泳，只有学会自我关爱，才能拥有充分的安全感、稳定感。在一些人眼里，对自己的爱就意味着自私，或者总是以负面视角来看待，把花些时间好好关注下自己，当作自私加自恋。——想想你自己，如何区分健康的自尊，和扭曲的自恋？其界限如何划分？你为你自己，留出了多少价值份额？

Practice self-nurturing, not only to get you through hard times but to guide you into a loving relationship with yourself. When you follow through with a simple act like comforting yourself with homemade soup, bringing home a fragrant flower for your night table, or taking a sweet solitary walk in a beautiful place, then you get an experience of being kind to yourself that can answer all those questions about “what do they mean, love myself?” This question is more easily answered by doing than by thinking.

主动为自己的身心，提供营养滋润：这项练习的意义，不仅是为了自我赋权、挺过难关，更是为了步入“与自己的亲密关系”，做到喜欢自己、钟爱自己、贴心关照自己。自我“爱抚”，简单易行的方式有很多：例如亲手给自己做碗高汤；例如带一束有香味的鲜花回家，为哪怕只有一个人的良宵，增添一抹亮色；或者，找个风景优美的地方，独自“闷得儿蜜”，信步溜达一会也好。只要你这样去做，就会体验到善待自己的滋味，进而也就明白了“我究竟该怎样做，才是对自己的关爱？”真操实干，远比空想更简单。

If you have a hard time feeling valuable when no one is around to tell you that you are, why not do something that is valuable to others? Many unhappy sluts with no date this weekend have gone off to serve dinner to the homeless at a local church and come back filled to the brim with good feeling about all the pleasure they were able to give to others.

如果你只有听到别人的赞同，才能找到自我价值感，那么，你为何不主动去做一些对别人有价值的事情呢？有不少婊子，一旦周末无人可约、情绪处于低潮，便走出家门，到附近的教堂做义工，为无家可归者提供免费的食物；当ta们完成工作归来，都为自己有能力帮助别人，而备感欣慰。

Once you have a handle on loving yourself, you can practice sharing that love with others. You’ve probably been taught to reserve the language of love for when you’re feeling overwhelmingly tender and passionate, and only for those who have made huge commitments to you. We recommend instead learning to recognize and acknowledge all the sweet feelings that make life worthwhile even when they don’t knock you over—and, moreover, learning to communicate those feelings to the people who inspire them.

当你对自我关爱，已经习惯成自然，你就拥有了把爱传出去的潜能。也许，你已经养成习惯，不肯轻易对别人表达“爱”字，总想把这个特殊字眼，保留到柔情无限或者激情似火的特殊时刻，保留给对你付出深厚感情之人。然而笔者在此建议，不妨将上述做法，替换成：不断学习对甜美感受的即刻接纳，承认“这就是爱”，尤其是，学会向为你带来甜美感受的人，立刻表达出爱与被爱的回应——这样就会让生活对你而言，变得更加值得，即使没有为你带来轰轰烈烈的惊喜，也同样充满爱意。

【练习题】关于爱的文字表达

EXERCISE Words of Love

Write one or more letters you are not going to send to one or more of your lovers telling them how you feel about them: what you love about them, how much you love them. 给一个（或者多个）你的所爱之人，写下一封（或者多封）不必寄出去的信，将你对ta的感想与感受，如实告诉ta：你爱ta的哪一点、哪些方面？你究竟对此，有多么痴迷？
Freewrite for ten minutes: what’s embarrassing about telling people you love them?

花十分钟，信笔随意书写：究竟是什么原因，令你往往不好意思对所爱之人，明确说出自己的爱意？

You can decide later if you want to share any part of what you’ve written with anyone you love.

你所写下的以上内容，究竟要不要和你所喜欢的某个（些）人分享？是分享全部，还是只分享其中的一部分？这一切，都取决于你自己。

单身的婊子，如何做到理直气壮？

Ethics for the Single Slut

What are the rights and responsibilities of the single sexual partner? Start with rights; you have them, and you will need to assert them. Too often our culture sees the single partner as”secondary,” “outside,” “an affair,” a “home wrecker,” and your place in the ecology of any life or relationship or community is dismissed as inconsequential at best. What does a single person have to do to get taken seriously, in this community or any other? If you’re in this position, a good place to start thinking about rights and responsibilities would be with some respect, honor, and consideration for each person’s feelings—including your own.

当一个单身之人，成为其ta人的性伴侣，都有哪些权利、哪些责任？我们不妨先从权利说起——须知，你拥有这些权利，而且需要对这些权利，不断进行着重强调。毕竟，我们的主流社会文化，总会把一直处于单身的性伴侣，视为类似小妾一般的“次要关系”，或者“不正当的风流韵事”，乃至“破坏婚姻家庭的外患”；至于你自己的立场、处境，从日常生活到亲密关系再到社会地位等等的所有方面，都会被大家漠视、否定。在我们所处的社会环境，乃至其他任何社会环境，身为一个单身者，究竟应该何去何从，才能得到大家的认真对待？如果你正处于“单身性伴侣”的社会角色，不妨从“每一个人的内心感受”开始，对自己的权利和责任进行探讨：每一个人（当然也包括你自己！）的内心感受，都需要得到尊重、肯定和充分顾及。

单身的婊子，有以下权利

THE RIGHTS OF THE SINGLE SLUT

You have the right to be treated with respect—you are not half a person just because you are single.
得到被尊重、有尊严的待遇，这是你的权利；单身，绝不意味着你的人格“不完整”。
You have the right to have your feelings heard and respected and responded to.
你有权利要求相关之人，倾听你的感受，尊重你的感受，并对你的情感表达作出回应。
You have the right to ask for anything you want—the person you ask may not have to give it to you, but you are definitely allowed to ask.
无论你想要什么，都有权利明确提出——尽管对方并没有必须满足你的义务，但你尽可以提出自己的诉求。
You have the right to have dates and plans honored, not changed by a third party simply because that person has seniority.
和你事先说好的约会，以及其他规划，都应该被当回事、如期兑现——尤其是，不能被其ta某个比你“更有资历”之人，随意“截胡”，导致你被放鸽子：这是你的权利。
You have the right to chicken soup when you are sick, and whatever other emergency support you may need—rides to the emergency room, help when your car breaks down. Your lovers are your friends, and friends help each other when things go wrong.
遇到紧急事故，你有权利向所爱之人寻求帮助，例如在你生病时，为你煲鸡汤，或者送你去急诊；例如在你的汽车抛锚时，帮你修车，或者提供其他力所能及的帮助。你和所有情人，都是朋友关系，朋友之间理应患难相助。
You have the right to negotiate family holidays like Thanks-giving and weekends involving your own and your lovers’ children: you are a member of any family you are in relationship with. How this works may look different depending on the values of the family you’re connecting to, but you definitely have the right to ask for more than just being somebody’s dirty little secret.
你有权利针对节假日（例如感恩节，或者周末）的时间安排，与你的情人进行协商；或者说，你有权利要求和情人以及该情人的孩子，共度佳节。须知，当你和张三有了亲密关系，你就已经成为张三的家庭成员之一。诚然，你对上述权利的伸张，面对你所涉及的不同家庭，及其背后不同的价值观，难易和成败，难免差别巨大。但是，你确确实实有权利提出上述诉求：你绝不要把自己爱情与尊严的格局，自我限定在“见不得光”的“小黑屋”里。
You have the right to have limits and to set limits: what you will and will not do, what is and is not negotiable for your emotional well-being and personal ecology.
你有权利拥有自己的界限，也有权利参与设定彼此之间的界限：例如，什么是你想要的，什么是你不想要的；什么是可以协商、妥协的，什么是无可讨论、无法让步的。上述界限，无论对你的个人情感、个人幸福，还是彼此关系的良好态势，都必不可少。
You have the right to not be blamed for problems in other people’s relationships.
别人的亲密关系，无论出现任何问题，都不应将你作为问题的原因，而对你加以指责：这是你的权利。

【上述观点显然蕴含着以下两个全称判断：一，一切“小三破坏家庭”之论，都像1＋1＝250一样错误，纯属扯犊子，不值得理会；二，一切针对所谓“小三”的污名和指责，都毫无道理，纯属歧视。——其中的道理很简单（或许对很多人而言，也很深刻），盖亲密关系不是绑架，自始至终都不应存在类似奴隶制的人身依附；如果亲密关系的双方，订立了“必须专一”的契约，这类似“自愿卖身为奴”的SM游戏规则——只要当事人你情我愿，别闹出暴力伤害，别人就管不着，但是，一切形式的法律和道德（道德舆论等，很多时候相当于“软法”），绝对不应当对类似主奴关系的游戏规则，予以任何意义的救济，或者说，绝不能承认人身依附，在某种条件下，是某种意义上的“人权”。如果一方“出轨”，同时爱上了第三者，这相当于违背了“卖身为奴”的游戏契约（此类契约本身就是荒唐的，“成立”[必须加引号]的前提，也只是类似游戏的情境），最极端的情况，也无非是之前双方的“独占式亲密关系”游戏，就此友好结束：之后双方也许还可以玩其他的爱情游戏，也许从此各奔东西，仅此而已。当然还有一种情况，是你的长期伴侣，被外面的“小三”勾引走或曰“抢走”，从此弃你而去，跟定了“小三”：但这种情况，足以表明，你对你的伴侣，已经失去了吸引力，你所珍视的这段亲密关系，已经变成不啻于你所一厢情愿的单恋；或者说，就像你开公司，你的老员工看到外面其他的工作机会，感觉更好，便跳槽离开你，你难道有理由指责其他工作岗位“横刀夺爱”吗？明确上述道理，就不难理解，为什么即使“小三”导致亲密关系破裂，也不该受到指责。——译者】

You have the right to refuse to be a dumping ground for someone’s marital woes—you may not want to listen to how much your lover wants a divorce, and you shouldn’t have to.
你有权利拒绝让成为任何人的“情绪垃圾桶”，听对方向你抱怨关于自己婚姻中的那些烂账。毕竟，你并非一定要结婚，或许也不想听你的情人，大讲自己多么渴望离婚。
You have the right to count. Everybody counts, including you.
说话算话、被其ta人当回事，或曰得到人人平等的尊重和尊严，这是你的权利。人人都有上述权利，你并不比任何人欠缺什么。
You have the right to be valued and welcomed and respected as the wonderful human being that you are.
被视为一个有价值的人、受欢迎的人，得到尊重，这是你的权利。生而为人，你很出色，切莫妄自菲薄、漫怀歉意。

【单身的你，如果涉足亲密关系，尤其是多重亲密关系，就难免被指责为“性乱”，也难免被人称为“姘居”，或者被戴上“小三”的帽子。我们的社会，截止目前的主流语汇，鲜有对既自愿不结婚又有性伴侣之人，非污名、非歧视、非评判的中性称谓，遑论褒义的、肯定性的称谓。这完全是社会文明发展程度依然太低的问题，就像直到1954～1964年，英国和美国的官方医疗机构，才分别正式确定“吸烟有害健康”：在此之前的漫长岁月，全人类于“烟草对人体健康是否有影响，以及有怎样的影响”的问题域，根本没有官方权威科研机构背书担保的可靠知识，一直处于是非不明、黑白莫辨、“浑蛋一锅粥”的混沌状态。译者举出上述事例，是为了阐明，当今很多众所周知的常识，其实都极其晚近，而源远流长的历史传统，对此毫无贡献，顶多有些尚未被清扫干净的负面渣滓；这样的历史积淀，哪怕貌似再深厚，于很多常识层面，非但不值得敬畏，而且分明贫瘠、荒诞得可怜。——性与性别的领域，往往更是如此，例如同性婚姻合法化在欧美各国的普及，比Wi-Fi和触摸屏手机更加晚近。现实如此，我们普通人所能做的，至少可以包括：对那些充满愚昧不讲理的偏见积习，统统当个屁，别往心里去，尤其是，不要将外在的歧视和污名，内化于心；当然，更不要把此类腐朽的污名，强加给别人，甚至用作攻击别人、恶意伤人的“武器”。——译者】

单身的婊子，应当在以下事项中，做个负责任之人

THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE SINGLE SLUT

You are responsible for developing and maintaining good solid boundaries. Boundaries, are, quite simply, how you can tell where you end and the next guy begins. Good boundaries are strong, clear, and flexible; bad boundaries are weak, foggy, and brittle.
合理可行、明确坚定的个人界限，从生成，到维护，这一切都是你自己的责任。所谓个人界限，用最简单的话讲，就是在什么情况下说“不”，在什么情况下对某个人说“好的，来吧”。你需要对自己的意愿边界，做到心如明镜、胸有成竹，绝不能模棱两可、欲拒还迎。好的界限，一定要有稳如泰山、“就算面对天王老子，我也同样如此”的强大定力；一定要让每句话、每个字词，都清清楚楚明明白白，“丁是丁卯是卯”；一定要具有能够适应各种环境，但“万变不离其宗”的弹力、韧性。反过来讲，立场软弱、含混不明，或者一旦遇到某些情况便“摇摆不定”、“一触即溃”，这些对于个人界限而言，都是糟糕的反例、实操的大忌。
You are responsible for making clear agreements. Make and keep agreements about time, about public and private behavior, and about courtesies in shared spaces. Always do what you say you are going to do.
你需要主动和有关之人，达成清晰明确的共识协定，这是你的责任。针对以下三个要点——（1）时间安排或曰时刻节点；（2）公开场合与私下场合的言行规范；以及，（3）在彼此共享的空间里，需要遵守哪些彼此礼让、以和为贵的条约——达成明确的共识协定，以及之后的有力维系，都必不可少。你所做的一切，都要遵循之前所明确约定好的方式。

【（1）时间安排，要有言出必践的可预测性，比如和张三约好下周见面，最要能够尽快确定具体时间，以及地点（例如周三傍晚下班后，大约六点半到七点，在李四家见），约定之后，就尽量不要更改，尤其不要临时变更失约，或曰“放鸽子”。（2）不同场合的言行规范要求，有时会很微妙。例如你和情人一起吐槽你家的某个亲戚，这些话也许在没有你家属在场的任何场合，都可以随便说，但只要有你的某些亲属在场，可能这个话题，便是绝对的禁忌。——你的这类边界，千万不要自认为其他任何人，“理所应当”知晓，尤其不要幻想某个人既然爱你就应该处处都理解你（这和你俩一起超越光速跑步一样，毫无现实可行性），一定要事先主动开口说清楚，并且要明确听到对方“知晓、同意”的答复；否则出现任何问题，都是你自己的责任。（3）在和所爱之人的“共享空间”里，往往需要“每事问”：例如“我可以把刚认识的炮友带来，在我们一起睡觉是床上所爱吗？这个人HIV阳性，长期遵循医嘱吃药；我不清楚ta目前的病毒载量，但与之戴套肛交，我认为不会有风险。” 上述的询问或曰征求意见，并不等于“就这样定了”的通知，和你一起住的其ta人，有否决的权利。你也许认为对方的否决不合理，并且有非常充分的科学依据（“你上次还和HIV试纸是一道杠的人，无套肛交呢，你连‘HIV的窗口期，试纸根本测不出，但处于窗口期之人，体液交换的传染风险非常高’的常识都不懂、不顾！千斤重担不嫌沉，一根稻草放在头顶反而怕被压死，你真是岂有此理！”），但你一定要牢记，几乎每个人，情感都远胜于理性。即使你自信“真理在握”，也要在协商中“先处理心情，再谈论事情”，以及，避免人身攻击，尽量避免评判对方的为人（例如“你真糊涂，跟你没法讲道理”之类，要默认为禁忌语言，即使在争吵的盛怒之下，也要避免从自己口中说出）。——译者注】

You are responsible for being clear when what you want to say is “no.” Don’t waffle, and don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep.
都有哪些情况，会让你想要“说不”？把这个问题搞清楚，这是你的责任。在你想要“说不”的时刻，不要扯东扯西、含糊其辞，不要有话不好意思直说。此外，在任何时候，都不要作出超出自己能力，或者你并不想永久贯彻的承诺。【热恋时，那些明显难以实现，或者难以长期维系的海誓山盟，往往无异于给彼此的将来“挖坑”。例如承诺“天天为你做饭”，这既可能是不公平的单方付出，同时，你做的饭菜再好、每天再辛苦，也会边际效用递减：爱人对你的赞许，会不断降低，更会越发对“饭来张口”习以为常，认为这是理所应当的；如果你哪天没能为爱人做饭，爱人就会觉得自己受了“不公平的待遇”，也许当场对你翻脸。——译者】
You are responsible for carefully choosing who you confide in about your relationships. Gossip can be a destructive force, and yet most of us need to be able to talk out our stuff with someone. Be clear about who those people are.
你的“非主流”亲密关系模式，可以对谁坦诚倾诉？谨慎选对人，避免遇人不淑、覆水难收的麻烦：这是你的责任。流言蜚语的黄谣，有时足以导致毁灭性的后果；然而，我们当中的绝大多数，都渴望将自己的种种真实情况，向某些人倾诉出口。该对谁说，要想明白。

【译者对这一段，不赞同者居多。你我皆凡人，谁也没有“他心通”的超自然能力，难免“知人知面不知心”。若是对人说话过于谨慎，就可能陷入自我审查、自我怀疑。尤其是，当你遇人不淑，对其吐露真心话，反而变成对方伤害你的利刃，这完全是那个人辜负了你的信任，品行卑劣，该为之羞愧甚至该“去死”的是那个人，绝不是你。——当然，译者深知作者的这番话，是善意的提醒。本书作者阅人无数，有很多非常可靠的实用经验，想必平时能够看人看得很准；但毕竟，大多数人包括译者在内，都不具备本书作者的阅历积淀。译者的建议是：调整自己的认知，让自己的内心更加强大，特别是，对形形色色的“性不洁观”和“性罪错论”，都尽可能彻底地轻蔑、无视，或曰免疫。这样一来，任何黄谣，任何类似“艳照门”的隐私泄露，都不容易伤害到你；如果全世界人人都知道我是个婊子，我会引以为傲、求之不得。尽管译者于此的“认知－情绪”模式，在当下同样没有人人普遍的“可全盘复制性”，但至少，不要这个方向背道而驰，陷入“受害者有罪论”的自责。——译者】

You are responsible for respecting the other relationships of your lovers, especially their life partners, and for treating these people with respect, empathy, and openheartedness.
你有责任对所爱之人的亲密关系，尤其是ta的长久伴侣，予以尊重。当你和所爱之人的其ta爱侣打交道时，应当尊重其人格，多一些设身处地、换位思考，并保持开放的心态。
You are responsible for safer sex: opening discussion with potential partners, making your own decisions about your level of acceptable risk, respecting other people’s decisions, and learning to be adept with barriers and little bits of essential rubber.
安全性行为，或曰尽可能降低性行为所导致的风险，是你的责任。你需要和即将成为性伴侣，就此进行开放的讨论。你究竟能够接受何种程度的风险，唯有你自主决定。同时，你也要对其ta人的自主选择，予以尊重。尤其是，你要学会熟练使用安全性行为的保护屏障，也就是橡胶安全套。
You are responsible for owning your feelings, as is everyone else. Learn to handle your own crises and get support when you need it from others who are free to be there for you at that particular time.
你是你自己内心感受的第一责任人：人人于此皆然。你要学会对自己的情绪危机，进行妥善处理，并在必要情况下，勇于向此时此刻有能力向你伸出援手之人，寻求帮助。
You are responsible for being straightforward about your intentions. When you practice being openly affectionate with your lovers, they may expect more from you than you are offering, and you must be willing to speak out and make yourself and your desires clear to all concerned.
对自己的意愿，直言不讳地表达，这是你的责任。当你将多边爱情公开化，你的那些情侣，可能会对你有更高的期待，甚至超出你所能给予的范围。这时，你必须勇于说出你的真实想法——其前提是，你必须充分了解你自己欲望，明确自己究竟想要什么。

【有些人可能会不断撺掇你、推动你，甚至试图操控你，希望你能够按照ta的期待、ta的利益，去做一些事，“变成”ta所认为“更好”之人。在这种情况下，充分了解你自己，是你的责任。对方所期待你做的事，也许在很大概率上，对你也很有利，例如希望你购买ta正在推销的理财产品，希望你能够和ta一起留在大城市，或者，希望你更加“放飞自我”、“接纳自我”（例如，你对自己“性别”标签和身体性征的期待，和与生俱来的“被指派性别”严重不符，为此焦虑，渴望性征重置手术，或者一直使用激素类药物；而你的所爱之人，对你搬出“酷儿理论”和医学知识，劝你接纳自己的身体外表，索性做个“有胡子的小姐姐”，或者“妹子的身体，好汉的内心”）。然而，对方“替”你的考虑，能否“兼容”你对自己生活的期待？你自己针对此事的利弊，有着怎样的认知，怎样的取舍意愿？这类问题，唯有你自己才能回答，任何其ta人的劝说，都只是你的参考消息。此外，有些情况下，对方希望你去尝试的事情，明显具有更高的风险，和几乎不可逆转的后果——例如无套做爱，或者在没有医生处方的前提下使用“催情”药物（例如万艾可等处方药，乃至未经权威机构批准、处于灰色地带的“RUSH”之类）。译者对此的经验是：只要遇到这种情况，就有必要对此人的人格和人品，开始加以警惕——因为由此可见，此人自私到漠视性伴侣健康的地步，而且可能惯于以“爱”之名操控别人。还有一些人，总想瓦解你所一再声明的个人界限，把你“调教”成ta自己所期待的理想标准。译者建议，当你发觉某个人有这种倾向，就更要守住自己的界限，哪怕貌似鸡毛蒜皮的小事，只要你不喜欢，或者心里不舒服，就如实直说、坦言“说不”，而不要出于你所脑补的各种顾虑，违心地妥协迁就，把对方宠坏惯坏。——译者】

You are responsible for finding ways to say what another person might not want to hear. Single sluts may need to state uncomfortable truths in relationships that might not have the customary intimacy for such vulnerable discussions.
你有责任设法找到一些可行的方式，就对方所不乐意听到的内容，进行坦诚、有效的自我表达。单身生活的婊子，针对亲密关系的看法，往往会有一些令人难以接受的真知灼见；尽管你和所爱之人，“非主流”的亲密关系背后，也许包含着很多讨论话题的“雷区”——彼此都对一些容易伤感情或者引发不快的话题避而不谈——但是，你依然有必要掌握“如何坦诚表达个人观点”的技能。 【否则，你的亲密关系，就只有肉体互动，缺乏有深度、有张力的精神交流、心智交流。——译者注】
You are responsible for promoting intimacy in all your relationships. If being single means that you are committed to being coolly invulnerable in all situations, you’ll be living in a cold and distant world.
你对自己所参与的每一份亲密关系，都有好好打理、不断巩固的责任。如果你认为，“独来独往”意味着你在任何场合，都不必付出真情实感，那么，你就只配生活在人情凉薄、内心疏远的世界里。
You must value and welcome all of your lovers as the wonderful, brilliant, unique human beings that they surely are.
你对自己的每一个情侣，都应当珍惜；你要多多留意每一个人所蕴含的精彩、美好和独特，因为ta确实拥有这样的人格魅力。

七彩斑斓的人际关联

Rainbow of Connections

If you’re single and slutty, you may find yourself interacting with a lot of different people in a lot of different patterns. Here are a few that we’ve encountered and that you may too.

如果你既单身生活，又婊气侧漏，你大概会发觉，自己和很多彼此各异之人，分别有着截然不同的亲密关系模式。接下来，谈谈笔者本人的一些经历和见闻，也许其中的某些情形，你也身有体会。

单身者之间的亲密接触

SINGLES WITH SINGLES

Isn’t it funny how we call single people “available?” Available for what? When you are single, your lovers might be other singles, but that doesn’t mean that each of those relationships is anything like any other. With one person you may love to go dancing, with another it’s hiking.

我们往往把单身者形容为“名花无主，人尽可得”，但这种说辞纯属扯淡，不是吗？所谓“可得”之物，究竟是什么呢？此外，当你处于单身，你的很多情人，也可能同样处于单身；但这并不意味着，你们之间的亲密关系，每一对和另外一对都很类似——事实上可能差异巨大。例如，你和张三在一起时，可能往往会同去舞厅；当你和李四一起时，可能更愿意携手踏青。

With any individual, you might be dating frequently, regularly, irregularly, or rarely. That rare time might be a very special thing—quantity doesn’t always equal quality. When everyone is single and no one is auditioning for partners, then each relationship is free to seek its own level, and there may be fewer obstacles to flowing into exactly the relationship that fits for the two of you.

你和不同的情人之间，约会的频率，也可能颇多不同：和张三频繁会面，和李四定期聚会，和王五时常相约，和赵六偶尔一见。当你和某个很少见面的情侣约上一场，往往会感到难能可贵、大不寻常——约会的次数少，并不等于激情的热度低。在一个大家都是单身、谁也不想从中寻找固定伴侣的多边关系网络中，每个人和另一个人的亲密程度，都能够以最小的阻力，很快达到最合适、最舒适的水平。

Just because you are single and not planning on changing that right now, please don’t take your lovers for granted. Let them know how precious and valuable they are to you. Convention says we should be more reserved: we say let’s change that convention. We love hot dates, and we also love warmth.

还有一点，需要特别提醒：尽管你当下没有“脱单”的打算，也要珍惜你的情侣，绝不要觉得彼此的爱“无可无不可”——你要让每一个情侣，都感受到你对ta的珍爱和赞许。按照社会大众的惯常做法，单身者之间应该别那么亲密、保守些才好；但笔者大声疾呼，如此社会常规，应当彻底改变。我们既要热烈的约会，又要亲昵的温存。

当你和有伴侣的人“勾搭成奸”

PARTNER TO A PARTNER

You may be dating someone who has a long-term, life-sharing partner—married or living together. When you are dating that person, there is someone else whose feelings must be taken into account.

也许你的约会对象，已经有了长期在一起生活的伴侣——双方可能结了婚，也可能是非婚同居。当你和这样的人勾搭在一起，就必须将你俩之外的另一些人的感受，也纳入考虑。

Perhaps you find yourself in the position of sleeping with someone who’s cheating. Whatever you think about the ethics involved—different sluts make different choices on this one—it is certain that difficulties can arise when your lover’s partner doesn’t know about your connection. Contortions may be required to keep the partner from finding out—and even with all the cleverness and forethought in the world, there is no sure way to keep such a big secret forever. This kind of secrecy imposes pretty severe limits: if the relationship consists of weekly trysts at the no-tell motel, how much connection can really take place? If the relationship goes well, someone may very well wind up wanting more. It’s the “outside” lover in a secret affair who will most likely get abandoned if anybody gets caught.

也许某一天，你会突然发现，自己处于这样一个位置：与你同眠之人，对你有所欺瞒。当你和一个有伴侣之人发生关系，而这个人的伴侣，对此一无所知——尽管不同的人，对其中的伦理问题，会有不同看法——接下来毫无疑问的是，很多难题都将摆在你面前。例如，你们之间的恋情，难免会变得鬼鬼祟祟、理不直气不壮，生怕对方的伴侣有所觉察；然而，哪怕你们再小心谨慎，也无法确保“纸里永远包住火”。当对这类情形的保密，成为重于一切的顾虑，就会形成一堵“高墙绝壁”：例如“每周幽会一次”的偷情约定，在实际执行中，每次相约的时间和质量，都可能不断“缩水”，亲密接触的实际质量，就像毫无保障的危房。在这种不安的状态下，即使你们的“奸情”运转良好，也可能导致其中的某一方，急于从中得到更多。而反过来讲，一旦“偷情”的秘密被曝光，处于“第三者”或曰“外遇”位置的那个人，最有可能沦为“保车”的“弃子”，被抛弃出局。

Perhaps your sweetie is in a “don’t ask, don’t tell”agreement; many couples new to nonmonogamy try this one in an attempt to feel safer. In our experience, this can create problems for all concerned. First, most people find their lovers in their social networks, so keeping them all separate can be difficult or impossible. Or lies must be told to protect the agreement—and then it’s back to the cheating paradigm we just discussed. Maintaining untruths, even when you’re asked to do so, will create distance in any relationship and is particularly damaging to live-in partnerships, where secrets are a lot harder to keep.

也许，你的甜心情人和ta自己的伴侣之间，针对外遇问题，有着“既不询问，也不告知”的共识协定。不少刚刚打破封闭专偶、尝试开放关系的伴侣，都会通过这种方式，来维持自己的安全感。然而，就笔者的经历而言，如果伴侣双方，对各自外遇的“房间里的大象”，都刻意“既不询问，也不告知”，这反而会给所有的当事人，都带来很多困惑。毕竟，很多人都会通过自己的社会关系网络，来寻找性伴侣，因此，对某些亲密关系做到绝对保密，恐怕不切实际。除此之外，就只有撒谎，维持一种貌似“什么都没发生”的表象，但这样做，就又回到了笔者在前面章节讨论过的“欺瞒模式”。任何亲密关系，如果你一直“戴着假面具”——即使在“忠人之托，身不由己”的情况下——都会由此变得同床异梦、貌合神离；而对长期共同生活的伴侣关系，其破坏力，尤其巨大，因为种种难言之隐不断沉积，很难永远不露出蛛丝马迹。

On the other hand, when everybody involved is informed about your involvement, things are often easier. Even if things start out uneasy, being out of the closet offers the possibility of working toward learning to be more comfortable for everyone involved. If your lover is part of an experienced poly couple, both of them will know their boundaries and be able to let you know what their limits are, which can make for a lot more clarity. If they’re new to this kind of relating, good faith and a willingness to talk through problems can get you through most if not all difficulties.

反过来看，如果所有被涉及之人，都能了解你们的真实情况，一切都会变得更加简单、轻松。即使事态看似棘手，只要你坦诚道出实情，就创造了一个新的开端，为随后各方共同努力、达成多边共赢，奠定“有可能实现”的基础。如果你的情人，和ta的长期伴侣，都有一定的多边关系经验，ta们双方大概会有明确的边界协定，你的那个情人，也会把ta和自己伴侣之间的边界约束条件，明确告诉你，让你做到心里有数。如果你的情人，和ta的伴侣，都是开放关系的新手，那么，只要心怀真诚，愿意针对当下的难题进行沟通，至少，其中的绝大多数难题，都能找到满意的解答。

Your authors have found that we are happiest when everybody knows and acknowledges everybody. Common courtesy is essential, as is scrupulous avoidance of anything that smacks of competition or one-upmanship. Catfights are only fun in porn.

本书两位作者，平生最欣慰的，莫过于在自身所处的多边恋爱关系中，所有的相关之人，彼此都能理解、认同。大面上的一团和气，是非常必要的；任何带有明争暗斗或者盛气凌人味道的言行、事件，都要格外小心地避免。“撕逼”的场面，只有在色情片里才好看，绝非现实可行的操作指南。

Both of us much prefer to meet our partners’ partners and make friends with them when at all possible. Sometimes they are not entirely sure that they want to be friends with us, and occasionally they’re pretty sure they’d rather not, but with patience and good will, most of them come around. After all, we have at least one thing in common: we both love the same person.

本书的两位作者，都强烈建议：尽一切可能，去和伴侣的伴侣，当面沟通，并且成为朋友。尽管有时，对方拿不准是否要和我们——单身的外遇“小三”们——成为朋友，甚至铁了心不打算接纳我们，但是，只要我们保持耐心和善意，大多数情况下，对方的态度都能有所转变。不管怎样，无论所谓的“原配”还是“小三”，至少都有一个共同处境、共同利益：双方都爱着同一个人。

There is no reason why our interests need be opposed to our lover’s partner’s interests. We all want to collaborate on creating a happy outcome where everybody gets respected and everybody gets their needs met and their desires fulfilled. In the long run, we are all on the same side.

为什么我们，和我们所爱之人的伴侣，彼此非要对立，无法互利共存？天底下根本没有这个道理嘛！一个人人受到尊重、人人如愿满足自身欲望的环境，是我们的共同理想，需要我们一起创建。从长远看，无论所谓的“原配”或者“小三”，大家都是命运共同体，唇齿相依，同舟共济。

The experienced slut can take some initiative in reaching out to frightened partners in a gentle and openhearted way. Some of our best friends over the years were first met in these circumstances. The vulnerability of feeling jealous or nervous about each other is its own form of intimacy, and friendly feelings may be the most useful response.

面对“被出轨的伴侣，戴上‘绿帽子’”而“炸毛”之人，有经验的婊子，能够主动与之接触，进行心平气和、胸怀开放的交流。笔者的一些多年至交，当初都是在这样的场合中认识的。醋意中烧或者神经兮兮的脆弱情感，它和亲密感，具有内在同构的特性；遇到对方的这种情形，友善和蔼的言行，是最有助益的回应。

Taking care of a partner’s partner by sharing sex with them is optional for both of you. It’s rarely a good idea to get intimate with someone just because they might feel left out, and it is not often sustainable to enter into a relationship that doesn’t interest you in and of itself. Occasionally, you will discover a sweet fit and become lover to a couple, as we will discuss soon. But avoid committing yourself to an interaction that you don’t like very much or don’t want at all. Giving in to someone to assuage jealousy just about never makes the jealousy go away. You can respect your own limits while offering support, warmth, and welcome to your lover’s lover.

“我性伴侣的性伴侣，也可以成为我的性伴侣”，这是一种彼此互利的可行之道；这对伴侣的伴侣而言，也是一种情感关怀。 【如果“原配”和“小三”，能够在见面交流之后，也成为炮友，那么，“原配”之前所执著的“性专一”，就能够瓦解；和“小三”的对立，也不复存在。尤其是，这样的“符号互动”，能够将几乎所有以“性专一”为基础的道德伦理枷锁，都全盘瓦解，并且，代之以全新的建构：建构一套多边互利共赢的新版“性脚本”，和与之相匹配的道德标准。——译者注】 然而需要注意的是，如果只是出于“避免让这个人，觉得自己受到冷落”的想法，和你其实并不“来电”的人，勉强发生关系，这样的好意，往往得不到好的结果，笔者不建议如此；同理，如果你进入了一场你并不真正喜欢的亲密关系，这段关系也很难安稳持续。——不过有些时候，你可能突然发现，自己和某一对伴侣，有一种格外甜蜜的缘分，非常适合组成“三人行”的亲密关系：笔者将在后文，对此进行讨论。但是，如果你对某些亲密互动，并不那么喜欢，甚至并不乐意，那么，就不要违心地投身其中。 【例如，译者曾遇到过一对和我有共同性趣的伴侣：我更多时候，和其中一人约会；而他的男友，有时也参与。他的男友爱抽烟，还几次向我敬烟，劝我和他一起抽。我每次都明确告诉他：我不喜欢烟味，从不抽烟，也不想吸入致癌的二手烟。——译者】 在和“伴侣的伴侣”进行亲密接触时，如果幻想通过违心地迁就对方，来消弭对方的醋意，这是无效的，对方的醋意不会因为你的曲意逢迎而自动退散。在你对伴侣的伴侣，伸出援手、展现温情、表示接纳的过程中，你也需要尊重你自己的界限。

A special case: you may find yourself in a relationship with someone whose life partnership is no longer very sexual, whether from the normal cooling of passion as relationships mature, or through illness or disability. When you are dating such a person, do remember to approach their partner with an added measure of care and respect. Such people may be happy that you are keeping their partner happy but still somewhat sorrowful at not being able to fulfill that role themselves. It helps to discover what valuable contributions that person does make, and recognize and honor them.

有这样一种特殊情况，需要留意：你也许会发觉，和你亲密接触之人，其长期生活伴侣，如今的性魅力明显降低——也许是因为“三年之痒”、“七年之痒”，也许是因为生病或残疾。那么，当你和有着如此伴侣的人，彼此约会前，一定不要忘记，先和此人的伴侣打好招呼，带着格外的关心和尊重。这个人也许会因为你对其伴侣关系的充分顾及，而感到欣慰，但同时，也难免为自己无法融入你们的欢愉，而颇有一些黯然神伤。为此，你要格外留意这个人为你和约会对象的皆大欢喜，所发挥的正面作用，并对其种种善意，予以肯定和感恩。

“角色限定”的亲密关系

ROLE-CONSTRAINED RELATIONSHIP

Sometimes your relationship may be defined by the roles you play together, roles that a person’s life partner may not want or enjoy. Your connection could be as simple as a love of watching football on TV or, perhaps more complicated, being the same-sex partner to someone in an opposite-sex marriage. Your shared roles might be about S/M power exchange, erotic roleplaying, exploration of gender, spiritual journeying, or any other sexual sharing that the partnership doesn’t provide. Your shared role makes you part of a family’s ecology, part of what makes it run smoothly, and is both a joy and a responsibility not to be taken lightly.

有些情况下，你们之间的亲密关系，可能会因为某些共同的“游戏规则”，导致每个人的身份角色，都被限定。须知，单身的你，和另一个有长期伴侣的人，所彼此限定的角色，可能会导致伴侣的伴侣，对此不快、不满、不乐意。也许你们之间，无非是“我想和你骑单车，我想和你去看棒球”的“简单爱”，但是，站在你“伴侣的伴侣”的视角，事态就可能复杂化——例如，你俩之间是同性情人，而ta和自己的长期伴侣，则是异性婚姻。此外，你和情侣之间，还有可能涉及虐恋中的“权力的交换”。【例如一个是“主子”，一个是“奴才”；但是按照虐恋的普遍规则，受虐者才是真正的“控制者”，包括随时有权利通过预先约定好的安全词，对“施虐－受虐”的游戏进行紧急叫停。换言之，虐恋游戏中的“奴才”，其实自始至终都在“掌控”着所谓的“主子”。故此，作者将其称为“权力的交换”（power exchange），也就是双方并无必然的“权力高下”、“尊卑差序”，彼此都包含着“身份的交叉性”（intersectionality）。——当然，并非所有的虐恋，都必然涉及“主与奴”、具有类似权力关系和尊卑差异的角色分配。例如特定部位恋痛者被“虐打”，其中确有些人，偏爱类似“爸爸打儿子”或者“狱卒打囚犯”之类的气氛；但也有一些人，对身份尊卑的设定，和类似控制、侮辱的方式，都毫无性趣，只是单纯的特定部位恋痛、被虐。“施与”的一方，按照接受者的意愿和要求，虐打接受者的特定部位，也可以完全不存在身份地位的高低设定。——译者注】除了虐恋，可能涉及“双方各自设定角色”的情形，还包括：通过角色扮演来进行调情、一起对性别认同和性别表达进行探索 【例如一对男同或者异性恋伴侣，在调情中扮演“乱伦相爱的亲生姐妹”（“乱伦”在这里，当然是充满彩虹色骄傲的褒义词！）——译者注】 ，或者，通过亲密和情欲来进行身心灵的双修，以及，寻常的伴侣模式所无法给予的种种性快感的共享方式 【例如一对法定夫妻，和一个婚外小三，组成身份固定的“三人行”（三个人的亲密关系）。这里的小三，是一个将污名反转的爱称。——译者注】 。无论如何，你和亲密爱人之间的“特殊角色”，都让你成为“大家庭式的生态系统”的一部分，促进这个类似家庭的关系，得以顺利运作、平稳前行；同时，也为你带来了性福快乐，以及不容忽视的责任 【例如彼此之间的非暴力沟通，例如在财物共享中，公平合理、宁可适当谦让也不要过于贪婪的伦理操守，等等——译者注】 。

伴侣双方的共同情人

LOVER TO A COUPLE

Sometimes sexual connection comes together quite beautifully between multiple people—a threesome, a quad, or whatever. The very riskiness is exhilarating, and the adventure can be very new and exciting. If you are fortunate enough to have this experience, you can expect to honor the relationship that you are privileged to share in and to be honored as a very special member of that relationship. The sex can be very luxurious—think of all that can be done with those extra pairs of hands!—and feature various configurations of two on one. How delicious to have two people spoiling you, how fascinating to share the active lovemaking with another, a virtuoso trio when you get practiced at it.

多人之间的性爱关系，有时会格外甜蜜：人数并无一定之规，三个人、四个人，或者更多人，都可以。其中最大的风险，就是过于令人欣喜，充满惊奇和振奋。如果你足够幸运，能够亲身体验，就会乐在其中，深感不虚此行；身为这种“非常亲密关系”的一员，会令你引以为荣。这种环境下的性爱，堪称舒适豪华版，毕竟“人多好办事”，多出几只手，意味着能够汇集更多的群策群力，尤其是，你们可以随意搭配。两个人一起宠爱你，是何等美好的滋味！一场让性爱技能臻于“专家级”的三人同修，此乐何极！

There may be times when someone has little to do and could feel left out. When that happens to you, think about how an extra pair of hands might be useful in whatever the other two are doing and gently join in. One time in such a moment, Dossie was temporarily left out while the couple who were her lovers were having intercourse with each other. She felt a little shy, thought about joining in, and then noticed that these two people, who had been together for quite a few years, were amazingly graceful in their deep connection with each other, so Dossie settled in to watch for a while and was quite happy and content just to witness such beauty. When they were through, they welcomed Dossie into their embrace, and further delights occurred that were well worth waiting for.

多人性爱，也难免会有某个人，被其ta众人冷落在一边。如果这种情况，发生在你身上，就不妨想一想：你所空闲的双手，能为正在“做好事”的人，帮点什么忙？当你想好一些答案，即可温言要求加入。本书作者之一道茜，曾有一次这样的经历：她的两个情侣做爱时，道茜被暂时晾在一旁。她顿时有点发窘，思索自己该以怎样的方式，加入她们的欢愉。她忽然发觉，这对一起生活多年的爱侣，彼此身心交融的姿态，看上去格外优美。道茜顿时觉得自己不再是局外人，有了参与感，凑上前来观赏她俩好半天；此时的道茜，望着如此美好的一幕，内心充满祥和、喜悦和满足。那两个人做完爱，都欢迎道茜加入她们的怀抱。随后的欢愉，表明之前的等待，完全值得。

Do remember that there is privilege in being an outside partner: you can, if you choose, get to be all about fun and leave the heavy stuff to the partners who will go home with one another afterward. Or maybe you’d rather be there to help out when the kids all come down with chicken pox. Whatever fits for you, remember that there is privilege in being the play partner. As one friend of ours puts it, “I get to be dessert!”

作为一个单身的、“外围的”性伴侣，当你和另外几个固定相伴、共同生活之人，共享情欲之欢时，不要忘记，你拥有这样一个特权福利：你尽可按照自己的口味，从中得到不输给其ta任何人的欢愉；相比之下，固定相伴之人，寻欢作乐之后，要一起回家，共同面对柴米油盐的重担，而你完全不用操这个心。此外，如果你家里有事，比如孩子得了水痘，需要照顾，那么，你完全可以不来参加ta们的性趴。总之，你拥有更加宽广的自由空间，这是单身情人较之固定伴侣，所具有的独特便利。笔者的一个朋友，对此这样描述：“我作为ta们宴席上锦上添花的甜点，这也很不错。”

当单身者进入多人性爱的群体

GROUPS

When your lover has a whole bunch of partners, making agreements can look like major treaty negotiations and might require some diplomacy. Some groupings have boundaries around who a member may connect with. Perhaps the other members want to meet and approve—that’s an easy one. Some will want outside partners to clearly understand the group’s limits and boundaries, especially about safer sex, which is great. And we are very happy to see that some poly groups are very thoughtful about how they make connection to a new person and are willing to take the time to get things right.

如果单身的你，偏巧有个人脉广泛、性伴侣众多的情人，那么，当你和这位情人，达成共识协定，就难免很复杂，像是针对重大事件，进行多方谈判，还可能需要一些交际策略。有些多人性爱的小圈子，针对多人性爱的边界问题，所有可能被涉及到的人，都会一起讨论；还可能有些与你素无交集之人，也想来参与聚会讨论，ta们对彼此边界的讨论结果，通常都会同意、遵守。对这样的情况，你只需放松对待，不要想得复杂。圈子里难免会有一些人，希望每一个外来的性伙伴，都能充分熟悉这个圈子的所有边界规则，尤其是针对性爱安全的方方面面——这种做法，非常值得赞许。笔者欣慰地看到，有不少多人性爱的圈子，都对“和什么样的新人发生关系”，颇多深思熟虑，以确保各项事宜，都能稳妥、可持续。

Some groups might want you to join in one way or another—having sex with the group, moving in with the group, becoming part of a group marriage—that may or may not fit for you. You, of course, get to look at what’s being asked and decide if that is what you want, and to define your own desires and limits.

有些多人性爱的圈子，可能会要求你在很大程度上，融入其中：例如，你的做爱对象被限定在这个圈子里的人，或者和这个圈子里的其ta众人一起生活，加入这个圈子的“群婚”。这样的条件，对也许自愿单身过日子的你而言，可能愿意试试看，也可能令你无法照办。无论如何，你尽可以多看一看，多些体验，从中确认哪些圈子的条件，更符合自己的意愿——在此过程中，你对自身的欲望和界限，也将不断形成更加清晰明确的概念。

Many initial disagreements can eventually be negotiated if all the parties involved are open-minded and operating in good faith. And if they aren’t, you might be better off learning that right at the start. One friend of ours connected with a person who had two primary partners and wanted our friend as a secondary. But when our friend asked what would happen if he were to acquire a primary partner himself, they said, “Oh, no, that wouldn’t be acceptable.” So our friend opted out.

在一个大家都能敞开心扉探索情欲，并且谁都没有恶意的小圈子里，很多原本无法同意的事情，之后都会变得有讨论余地。反过来讲，如果某个圈子的情况，与之截然相悖，那么你从一开始就不该进来，应当及早抽身而退。笔者有个朋友，曾和有两个生活伴侣的某甲，有望发展为亲密关系；但某甲执意要求这位朋友，只能做自己的“次要伴侣”，绝不能和那两个伴侣平起平坐。为此，笔者的那个朋友，果断选择和某甲分手。

Most group marriages and circles that we have encountered are much more lightly held and flow easily with new partners who may someday join the group at large, over time and one step at a time. Dossie belonged to one such family when her daughter was a baby. There were no formal membership requirements, and everyone fit together and grew together as they went along, with partnerships forming and separating and reforming on their own timetables, and everyone responsible for the whole gang of children. This adaptive arrangement worked very well for quite a few years—not forever, but for a good, happy, memorable long time.

笔者所遇到的群婚或者多人性爱的圈子，大都比较宽松，颇多人员流动；很多新人时常光临，并且逐渐融入其中。本书作者之一道茜，就曾加入过这样的大家庭——当时她的女儿还是个婴儿。此类圈子，对其成员，没有正式的准入条件，大家在长期相处中，如鱼得水地厮混，身心共同成长。某些圈内成员，也经常会形成更为亲密的联结，也可能关系破裂，或者和其ta的圈内之人重新组合：这种情况此起彼伏。圈子里的每一个人，都对这个圈子里所有伙伴的孩子，承担妥善照顾的责任。那个大家庭的上述做法，颇具自我调节的适应力，成功运转了很多年——尽管并非永远，没能持续到今天，但那段一起走过的时光，美好、快乐、令人难忘。

一个单身婊子的“夫子自道”

Single Soliloquy

Dossie writes:

本书作者之一道茜——一个多年单身的婊子——如此写道：

Someone at a workshop once asked me: “Don’t you get lonely, living alone?” I was startled, and it took me a second to understand that he wasn’t trying to make me feel bad. What an ache he innocently opened in me. I had to say: “Yes, of course I get lonely.” And yet…

在一次工作坊，曾有人问我：“你一个人过，不会感到孤独吗？”这令我顿时悚然一惊，我迟疑了一秒钟，确信那个人并非刻意为我带来负面感受。他的无心之言，分明割开了我的痛处。我只好回答道：“是的，我确实会感到孤独。”但是，话又说回来——

I have lived about half my adult life single. Some things are hard to do by yourself. I recently bought my first house. How I yearned for a partner in that scary endeavor! But I managed, somehow. I dealt with my fears, and with realtors and mortgage brokers and roofers and inspectors, and now I have a sweet little home in the woods: like me, mine to share with others, when and how I choose.

成年以来，我的一半岁月，都在单身生活。有些事情，一个人很难搞定。前些日子，我第一次买下了属于自己的房子，在筹款购房时，我多么渴望有个伴侣，能为我分忧解难！我既要面对自己内心的忧虑不安，又要和房地产经纪人、抵押贷款经办人，以及屋顶修理工和质检人员等打好交道。但不管怎样，我一个人把这些事情统统办成了。如今，我拥有了属于自己的小木屋安乐窝——它分明是我的写照，像我一样，以独立自主为前提，按照我自己的议程设置和游戏规则，和其ta人分享。

Nothing lasts forever. Someone asked me if I feared being alone in my old age. I am now in my sixties, and you bet I’m afraid of that. I saw my mother live to be ninety-three in the house she shared with my father during their thirty-seven-year marriage: only he died of cancer when they were sixty-five.

无论何去何从，都有缘生缘灭。曾有人问我：“你一个人慢慢变老，难道不会为此担忧？”如今，我已年近花甲，你大概认为，我会感到不安。——然而，我亲眼所见，我的九旬老母，当初和我的父亲，经历了37年的婚姻，但在他俩都只有65岁时，父亲身患癌症，撒手人寰，留下母亲独守空房多年。

Nothing lasts forever. I still crave the thrill of falling in love, the dream of a romance so magical it could never fade. And I know better. When I have fallen in love in the past, the long-term outcome has been a crapshoot: sometimes great, sometimes disastrous. After eight such relationships, I must admit I have no idea how to predict the future of any passion: whether we will grow into a solid and sustaining kind of love, or whether we will grow to hate each other.

万物终有一死，意义在于过程。至今，我依然期待热恋的心跳，浪漫的梦幻，是人生的永恒。同时，我也有更多的经验认知。回想我过去的恋爱，幸福能否长久，就像开盲盒，主要看“天意”；有时能够收获稳稳的幸福，有时就会驶入伤心太平洋。形形色色的亲密关系，我经历了八次，才终于承认：对任何一场激情热恋，我都无法预知其未来航向；也许爱情稳如磐石，或者细水长流，也许有一天，双方会相看两厌。

Now I am a person who prefers burning passion to sweet reason. And I don’t consider myself very good at compromise. But my compromise for my own survival is to learn to live single and to make a very good life of it: a lifelong commitment to myself.

如今的我，较之理性的甜蜜生活，更渴望激情燃烧的时刻。我深知，我不善于妥协，不愿意将就；然而，我为自己的浴火重生，确实作出了让步，那就是：学会独自生活，创造一个人的精彩。我爱自己，这是一辈子的承诺和践行。

Long ago, I thought of singlehood as being “between old men”: some condition of waiting for the next one-and-only to show up. It was like being on hold, waiting for one-and-only number four to pick up the phone, not like living a real life.

多年以前，我曾以为，女人单身度日，意味着终有一天，要嫁给年老的男人；目前无非是在一些老男人之间左顾右盼，等待“我这辈子的唯一人选”，不定何时会出现。未来仿佛已被注定，就像等待被人拨号的电话机一样，命运受控于他者，无法活出属于自己的人生。

In 1969, when I was first a slut on purpose and a baby feminist, I decided to live single for five years so I could discover who I might be when I’m not trying to be somebody’s wife. But how was I going to make this work? I didn’t want to live and raise my child in a cold world with no affection or intimacy, so I devised a scheme for sharing love with lovers I had no intention of living with.

直到1969年，我才终于明确自己想要的生活，就是做个婊子；当时，我刚刚成为女权主义者。我打定主意：未来五年，我不想削尖脑袋去做谁的老婆，我要通过这段单身的日子，来探索自己的更多可能。然而，我该如何付诸实行？我可不想在一个没有真情实爱的“寒冰地狱”里过日子，更不想在这种环境下抚养孩子。为此，我所构想的日常图景，是和那些不在一起生活的人，共享爱情的滋味。

Back then, there was very little precedent for sharing sex with someone you were not auditioning for a long-term partnership. So I invented ways that I could take the risky steps of sharing affection openly with people I had not “secured,” if I can call it that. I told them what I liked about them. I good-mouthed. I sought out opportunities to be demonstrative. I used the L-word and insisted on calling the feelings I had for each of my lovers by their true name: love. And when I had the courage to be loving, the result was that I got a lot of love back.

回想当时，和并不打算长期作伴之人，共享床笫之欢，这样的生活方式，几乎没有先例可循，没有可以参照的样板。所以，我只有“摸着石头过河”，探索出很多既能够互亲互爱，又不用彼此“扼住对方咽喉和裤裆”的可行之路。我会告诉我的所爱之人：我爱恋你的哪些方面。我由此磨练出很好的口才，并且善于见缝插针地找到机会，进行自我表达、自我展现。我把自己对每一个情人的感情，都称为爱情——我认为这就是对“爱情”一词，恰如其分的诠释。每当我勇于去爱别人，就会得到很多别人对我的爱。

It is true that I first learned to love this way as a survival technique for living single. But it has become something far more valuable: an open affection for who and what I love around me has become my foundation and my way of life, whether or not I am living with a partner.

说话大实话，正是因为我单身生活，才学会了以上述的方式，去爱别人——这是我单身生涯得以持续下去的技能。然而，单身生涯也为我带来了更有价值的收获：无论当下的我，是否正在和某个伴侣同居，我都能够对身边那些令我心动之人，敞开心扉吐露我的爱意。

I am confident that this approach can work for everyone, whatever their lifestyle, and even when they are not sharing sex: wouldn’t it make a fine world if we all made it a point to honor and cherish and openly value every person we make a connection with?

我坚信，我的这些尝试和收获，每个人都可以借鉴，都能普遍适用——无论你是怎样的生活方式，或者，你和其他更多人所分享的，是性爱之外的其他美好。如果我们能够对所结识的每一个有缘人，都予以尊重、珍惜，对其公开赞许，这个世界就会非常美好，不是吗？

I raised my child with this sense of community. Being a mother taught me to respect limits and boundaries and certainly to refuse to welcome in my home or in my heart anyone or anything that threatened the well-being of my child or me. By extension, I learned to better protect my own vulnerabilities, which made me even more capable of expressing my love for others.

我在这样的环境氛围，把我的孩子抚养长大。为人之母，让我学会了勇于捍卫自己的界限，无论任何人或者任何事物，只要可能妨碍孩子的快乐成长，或者令我感到不适，我就会将其拒之门外——这里的门外，既包括我家的大门，也包括我自己的心扉。进一步讲，我所掌握的新技能，让我的一切脆弱之处或曰“软肋”，都能得到更加坚韧的保护；这也让我更有底气，向形形色色的其ta人，坦诚表达我的爱意。

I live in the country, and I feel this same kind of heart-opening love when I walk on a beach, or look at the world from the top of a small mountain, or discover, around some bend in a trail, a two-thousand-year-old tree standing in majesty. I feel no desperation, nor any desire to cling. I just feel happy.

当我敞开心扉，到处都充满爱。我住在乡村，和我在海滨漫步、在山顶眺望，或者在路口望着千年古树若有所悟，都有同样的爱意感受。我没有如饥似渴的苦苦贪求，也没有无法放下的执著欲望。我只觉得，我很快乐。

Do I sometimes feel lonely? Sure. Do I love my life? Immensely. Sometimes I think I am the luckiest person in the world.

我会不会有时候觉得孤独？这是必然的。我喜欢自己的这种生活吗？太喜欢了。我经常觉得，我是全世界最幸运的人。

第19章 单身舞曲：尽可骚情，但互不“拥有”