第20章亲密关系：潮起潮落，缘生缘灭，在所难免

CHAPTER TWENTY The Ebb and Flow of Relationships

WE OBSERVE, with much delight, the number of our old lovers we count among our present friends, and we marvel at how sexual relationships can develop into family memberships. There is a reality limit here: You have only twenty-four hours a day to devote to your love life, and presumably you need some of those hours for work and sleep and so on, so you have a finite amount of time to devote to each of your lovers. You can fit only a certain number of people in your life and expect to do any of them justice.

本书的两位作者，都颇为欣慰地看到，自己当下的朋友之中，有不少过去的情人。性爱的亲密，能让我们融合成一个大家庭，每当笔者细思个中缘由，唯有赞叹和惊奇。在此确实有个实实在在的限制条件：即使全心全意投身于爱河，每天也只有二十四个小时，何况除了爱情，你大概还要工作，还要睡眠，还有很多杂务。换言之，你陪伴任何一个情侣的时间，都注定有限。你这辈子，只能“容纳”不超过一定数量的人，而且，你还要公平对待其中的每一个人，不能太过厚此薄彼。

We find that most people do okay letting their partners come and go as it feels right for each of them. Extended family sexual relationships are more likely to grow apart than to break up. One of the very wonderful things about building sexual friendships is that, while past relationships and smaller affairs may come and go over the years, each pairing has its own characteristic and unique intimacy. You create this intimacy the way you learn to ride a bike—by trial and error, slipping and falling, and ultimately zooming along together. Just like riding a bike, you’ll never forget this particular intimacy or your own role in it. Even after the most bitter of separations, when conflict is cleared and time has healed the wounds, you may find that you can slip that connection right back on, like a comfortable old glove.

就笔者之所见，多数人无论和伴侣结交，还是和伴侣分手，只要感觉对自己还算有利，就会平心静气，对所有相关之事，作出很好地处理。在边界可以拓展的开放式大家庭，所谓的分手，往往是大家逐渐疏离，与其说是关系破裂，不如说是宴会散席。还有一种情况，是包含着性爱关系的友谊：其中任何几个人的“配对”，都各有其特点，各有独特的亲密方式；大家都可以来来去去地自由组合，风流韵事不断，并且这种状态能够持续多年。营造这样的亲密关系，就像学骑单车，唯有通过反复“试错”，多次打滑甚至摔倒，才能最终大功告成，尽情飞驰。这种不同寻常的亲密关系，和骑单车的另一个相似之处是：一旦学会，终身难忘，从身在其中的亲密感受，到你在其中的角色，都将成为记忆的永恒。哪怕和所爱之人“恩断义绝”，为此痛苦不堪，当彼此的冲突“清零”，时间总会治愈这一切：也许你会忽然发现，旧账早已翻篇，你和昔日分手的情侣，依然可以再续前缘——就像戴上旧手套，也许依然很舒适。

On the other hand, sometimes conflict in an intimate relationship goes on so long, or seems so impossible to resolve, that it threatens the very foundation of that relationship. We hope you bring the same high level of ethics and concern to a conflicted relationship that you brought to a happy one.

还有另一种截然相反的情形：有些亲密关系，一直冲突不断，问题形成死结，足以动摇亲密关系的根基。笔者希望你，能够和对待幸福美满的亲密关系一般，以同样的道德责任感，来对待冲突之中的亲密关系。

It is always tempting to respond to a major relationship conflict by assigning blame. In childhood we learn that pain, in the form of punishment from our all-powerful parents, is the consequence of doing something wrong. So when we hurt, we try to make sense of it by finding somebody doing something wrong, preferably somebody else. We have discussed the problems that come from blaming and projection before.

把某些事情搞砸的责任归咎于亲密伴侣，对其进行人身指责，这往往是诱发冲突的主要原因之一。童年时的我们，大都在“一旦做错事，就会被处于绝对权威地位的家长惩罚”的过程中，习得了“痛苦的源泉，在于做错了什么，为此承担后果”的认知模式。这导致如今的我们，只要感觉自己受了伤害，或者心情不爽，就立刻试图将其归因为“什么人做错了什么事”——做错事的人，岂能是自己，唯有把这顶帽子扣在别人头上，才能舒心顺气。关于人身指责和情感投射所产生的种种问题，笔者在前文中，都已讨论过。

What is important to remember is that most relationships break up because the partners are unhappy with each other, and no one is to blame: not you, not your partner, and not your partner’s lover. Even if someone acted badly, or was dishonest, your primary relationship probably isn’t falling apart for that reason—relationships tend to end due to their own internal stresses. Even your authors have trouble remembering this when we are in the middle of a bitter breakup. When you find yourself wanting to blame, it may help to remember a truism of relationship counseling: the client is the relationship itself, not either of the people in it. During a breakup it is supremely useless to try to ascertain who is “right” and who is “wrong”: the question is, what needs to happen next? If you start looking at conflicts as problems to be solved instead of trying to decide whose fault they are, you have taken an important first step in solving them.

一个需要牢记的要点是：感情破裂的最常见原因，无非是彼此已经相看两厌，不乐意继续黏在一起；对此，不要归咎于任何人，这一切都不怪你，也不怪你的伴侣，更不要去责怪“小三”。即使你们当中，有人表现恶劣，或者撒谎欺瞒，也并不能成为长期伴侣感情破裂的真正原因——因为真正对亲密关系构成毁灭打击的因素，是这段关系之中的内耗：包括但不限于相互之间的压迫、撕扯，和离心离德的反弹。诚然，即使本书的两位作者，也对和爱人分手时，最为痛苦的“中间过程”，深感不堪回首、不愿追忆。但无论如何，只要你想要就此怪罪任何人、责备任何人，都不妨想一想亲密关系咨询中的一句老生常谈：“需要解决问题的‘客户’，是这段亲密关系本身，而不是这段关系中的任何人。”在分手之际，最没有意义的做法，莫过于非要掰扯清楚“到底谁对，到底谁错”；真正有意义的问题是：接下来我们怎么办，应当去做些什么？如果你开始着眼于“需要解决的冲突”，而不再试图确定“这到底是谁的错误”，就已由此迈出了切实解决问题的第一步。

Some people habitually bear the burden of being responsible for everybody’s emotional well-being and feel that they’re somehow at fault because they’re unable to magically make everyone’s pain and trouble disappear. Instead of refusing to own their stuff, one partner takes too much responsibility for the problem at hand. Such people need to learn to own their own bit and let everybody else own theirs.

有些人习惯于把“照顾好所有人情绪”的重担，统统往自己身上揽：如果不能做到皆大欢喜，让所有痛苦和麻烦，都如鬼使神差般散去，就会陷入“我是不是做错了什么”的自我怀疑。这种人的做法，和其ta人更为常见的“推卸一切责任，自己什么都不承担”，刚好截然相反；这样的人作为伴侣，肩负了太过沉重的义务，企图亲手解决一切问题。这样的人，需要学会“仅仅承担属于自己的责任份额”，至于其ta人，让其各自承担理应属于自己的部分，即可。

It’s also common for one partner to take too little responsibility. People who have a lot of their self-esteem connected to their ability to maintain a relationship may feel the need to make their partner into the villain in order to justify their own desire to leave. This strategy is unfair to both of you: it gives the “villain” all the power in the

relationship and disempowers the “victim.” Deciding that you have no choice but to leave because your partner is so horrible is denying the fact that there are always choices. Our experience is that relationship troubles are almost always two-sided: if you can acknowledge your own contribution to the problem, you can work toward solving it.

伴侣之间还有一种常见症状：其中一方，太少担当。常有一类人，其自尊心，需要外在的亲密关系，作为支撑；ta们把自己“维系亲密关系的能力”，作为赖以维持良好自我感觉的前提。如果ta想要和伴侣分手，就会设法抹黑伴侣，把伴侣塑造成“恶人”，从而表明自己“占理”。这种伎俩，不但对伴侣很不公平，对ta本人，也很不利——当你在亲密关系中，把伴侣描述成“万能的撒旦”，也就彻底步入了自我赋权的反面。断言“因为伴侣太糟糕，所以我除了离开，别无选择”，无异于否认“其他选项还有很多”的事实。本书两位作者的经验是：亲密关系中的各种难题，通常“一个巴掌拍不响”，双方都有责任；如果你能够意识到自己也是造成问题的一部分原因，那么，你就能够有的放矢，解决问题。

If your relationship problems include anybody being physically violent, or emotionally or verbally abusive, it’s not time to waffle over whose fault it is—it’s time to get professional help in learning to resolve conflict in a nondestructive manner. The Resource Guide in the back of this book will tell you how to get in touch with groups in your area that help both battered and battering partners. Similarly, professional support is often a good idea to deal with substance abuse—no partner, no matter how wonderful, can resolve something like alcoholism with love alone. If a child is being abused in any way, safety becomes the first priority, and you need to leave right now. You can work on resolving these issues from a safe distance.

然而，如果你的亲密关系难题，包含了“某个人遭受了肢体暴力”，或者“某个人遭受了精神虐待、言语虐待”，那么，根本没有多余时间，掰扯谁对谁错，当务之急是向专业人士、专业机构求助，包括学习如何通过非破坏性的方式，来应对冲突。无论“双方互殴”还是“一方被殴”，都可以通过本书末尾附录的“资源导览”，让你明确如何在自家附近，找到可以联系的互助小组。 【作者是美国人，“资源导览”也是基于美国的情况。至于国内，民间互助的专业NGO（其专业性，包括具有对父权制或曰性别权力压迫的敏感度和批判意识），尽管也算“源远流长”，可以追溯到1995年北京举办第四次世界妇女大会之时，但多年来一直备受管控和限制；2014～2015年是一道分水岭，此后NGO急剧萎缩。——译者】 此外，针对形形色色的物质滥用、药物成瘾，求助于专业机构，通常也是最佳选择——至于伴侣，无论多么出色，对诸如酒精成瘾之类的问题，也无法仅靠“用爱发电”来解决。如果某个孩子，正在遭受任何意义上的虐待，那么，孩子身心安全，此刻处于最高优先级——你也需要立刻从孩子身边离开。你只有在确保安全距离的前提下，才谈得上如何解决问题。

和伴侣分手

Breaking Up

It happens. Good relationship skills and high ethics don’t mean you get to be with the same partner or partners forever and ever. It is our experience that relationships change, people grow out of them, people change. They may acquire new desires, new dreams. Some breakups in our own lives, as we look back with 20/20 hindsight, were actually constructive moves toward personal growth and a healthier life for each of us. At the time, however, we just felt awful.

分手，总在不断发生。再好人际关系技能，再高的伦理道德水平，都并不意味着你要和某个人或者某些人，黏在一起直到永恒。笔者于此的经验是：如果你的成长，和你所身在其间同时也在变迁的亲密关系，无法保持同步，拉开太大距离，你就会从“槛内人”成为“槛外人”。但这样也无妨，无论离去的旧爱，还是亲密关系的新伴侣，都可能拥有不同于之前的欲望和梦想。笔者所经历的很多次分手，尽管当时倍感苦涩，但很久以后回望，却往往不失为一种建设性的举措，一别两宽让彼此都活得更健康，而且从中有所成长。

It helps to remember that in the contemporary world, a breakup doesn’t have to mean that you and your ex did something dreadful. Most of us can count on going through a breakup at some time in our lives, possibly quite a few times. Rather than hide in denial, or torture ourselves with wondering what we did wrong, what would happen if in our lives?

须知，分手并不必然表明，你们之中有谁做错了什么——这个当今社会的新兴理念，你切莫忘记，对你大有裨益。我们当中的大多数，这辈子都难免经历几次和所爱之人分手，还有可能会经历很多次。掩盖事实，或者陷入“我究竟哪里做错了”的自我疑虑、自我惩罚，显然都不可取。那么，当我们亲身经历和爱人分手，究竟该怎样做？生活该如何继续？

we thought, in advance, about how we would like breaking up to be when a traditional marriage breaks up, nobody takes that as evidence that monogamy doesn’t work—so why do people feel compelled to take a slut’s breakup as evidence that free love is impossible? Your breakup may be for reasons entirely unrelated to the openness of your relationship. At any rate, it probably isn’t evidence that you aren’t meant to be a slut: we suspect you wouldn’t have done all the hard work it takes to live this way if you hadn’t had a strong desire for sluthood in the first place.

如果一场符合传统规范的婚姻，以离异分手告终，谁也不会将此作为例证，由此认定“一对一的专偶制，根本行不通”——这个事实，众所周知——那么，为什么有些人，一旦看到一场开放关系破裂、一群婊子之间的苟合未能持续到地老天荒，就像着了魔怔一样，忍不住地认定，“自由自在的爱情不可能实现”呢？身为婊子的你，和爱人分手的种种原因，也许和亲密关系的开放，没有一毛钱关系。与此同时，这也丝毫都不意味着你“无法修炼成一个牛逼大婊”、“不适合做个婊子”。笔者的感觉是：假如你当初没有对婊子生涯的强烈渴望，那你就不会付出那么多的努力，一路披荆斩棘走到这里。

When a relationship shifts dramatically, it’s great if everybody feels calm enough to separate with affection and equanimity. But all too often, partnerships break up in a harsh way, with painful, angry, hurt, and bitter feelings. Grief at losing a relationship that we had counted on cuts deep, and while we are going through the hurtful process of an unwelcome separation, none of us are at our best.

如果亲密关系，突然变得离奇、怪异，令人无法接受，那么最好的结局，是每个人都能尽量冷静下来，依然带着爱意，从容淡定地分离，今后各奔东西。但在很多情况下，伴侣关系的破裂，会通过一种惨烈的方式，夹带着痛苦、愤怒、伤害，和其他很多种苦涩的感受。如果当初我们对这段亲密关系极其珍惜，甚至将其作为心灵支柱，那么一旦关系破灭，就会产生巨大的哀恸——它像利刃一样，将我们深深刺伤。当我们面对这种极不情愿的分手，正在承受着痛苦的煎熬，无论是谁，身心状态都会很糟——“冷静，从容”之类的理想标准，无论对自己还是对分手的伴侣，都无法苛求。

A typical grief process takes about three months to get past the acute phase. It helps to look at grieving as productive work. Loss has left a hole in your life, and you need to pore over what you valued as you figure out how you want to fill the empty space and knit the wound together. You probably will need to do this work on your own—your ex can’t really do it for you. Feelings of grief, loss, abandonment, anger, resentment, and such that are overwhelming or intolerable today will probably seem sad but manageable three months from now as you move through this process. As the most intense feelings die down, you can find a good time to get back into communication with your ex—have some coffee or go to a movie or some such. It would be a shame not to come out of this breakup with at least a friendship, after all you’ve shared.

在分手已成定局，并为此经历了一番暴风骤雨的情绪波澜，接下来，一个常见的情形是：随后三个月左右，对那段亲密关系的哀思和伤感，依然阴魂不散。了解这个事实，能够让你在处于这种情况时，进行自我审视、自我觉察：这是一种富有建设性的做法。那些“遗失的美好”，已经在你的人生中，留下了破洞；但来日方长，你需要重新明确自己的价值目标，想清楚“我究竟渴望什么”，通过你依然珍惜的事物，和新的欲求目标，来填补失恋分手后留下的“空洞”，让撕裂的创伤重新长在一起。上述这一切，你很可能要一个人完成，你的前任根本帮不了你，更替代不了你。然而，无论你现在的心情有多糟，充斥着诸如悲哀、失落、被遗弃感、愤怒、怨恨，种种负面情绪如排山倒海，并且夹带着不可原谅的决绝，只要按照上述方式进行自我观察，三个月之后，你即使依然感到悲哀，情绪也会变得可以掌控。当那些令你最扎心的情绪，终于缓和下来，从此一去不复返，你就可以找个方便的时间，和你的那个前任再次会面，彼此进行一番交流：比如一起喝杯咖啡或者去电影院，都不错。毕竟你和已经分手的前任，曾经爱过一场，彼此分享过很多——如果分了手，从此各自生活，就恩断义绝，连一点点友情都荡然无存，那就太可惜、太令人遗憾了。

网络时代的“分手礼仪”

BREAKUP ETIQUETTE IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY

Sadly, many people approach the ending of a relationship as if they have been given a license for drama, and furthermore, some people just can’t leave in a good way. They need someone to blame (other than themselves), a villain, a perpetrator, the bad guy, to feel okay about themselves or to clear their consciences.

可悲的是，相当一些人，一旦面临亲密关系的终止，就仿佛被授予了“上演一场闹剧”的特权，或者说，这样的人根本没有好聚好散、和平分手的能力。对这种人而言，一方面，自己绝对没有错；另一方面，必须找到某些外敌——“没良心的”、“罪魁祸首”，“大坏蛋”——作为自己责骂的对象：唯有如此，才能让情绪得到平复，才能“给自己一个交代”。

【如果你把亲密关系，在某种程度上，视为一种“占有”，一种“所有权”，或者说，将伴侣当做自己所拥有的“宝贝物品”，那么，一旦面临分手（无论因为什么），你都会把这件事，视为“我的权益，我的东西，遭到了剥夺”。剥夺，意味着被别人所强加，必然有“剥夺者”，有类从你身边抢走或者偷走什么的坏人；至于你自己，只是其中的受害者，具有“无限防卫”乃至“有仇不报非君子”的道义正当性。——可叹的是，上述认知，至今依然在社会主流的文化中，根深蒂固。在距今并不久远的过去，即使把“变心的伴侣”和“外面的第三者”杀掉，犯下重罪，往往也会得到舆论的同情甚至赞许。如今，“不应将伴侣物化，视为自己的物品”，和“反对分手暴力”、“亲密关系暴力零容忍”等观念，都逐渐普及于大众，对所谓“小三”的态度，也不再是铁板一块的社会污名和荡妇羞辱。很多人一方面相比过去，确实颇多改变，从性容许度（sexual permissiveness）到非暴力沟通技能等“观念的水位”，都大有提升；但另一方面，价值观、是非观，也变得空前混乱、模糊，为此颇多迷茫。在面临分手、充满痛苦之时，上述的是非冲突，和“我究竟该怎么做才对”的混沌迷茫，在自己的内心爆发、激荡，很容易令人产生无助、愤怒和受害感。肆意胡闹，是自我解压的最简单方式：我们从小都对此无师自通。将自己的痛苦，归责于别人，哪怕或多或少在理智层面自知不妥，也无异于一种针对自己内心冲突的“解压阀”——它会令人“情不自禁”、“欲罢不能”，甚至对其“心因性成瘾”，用俗话讲就是“揣着明白装糊涂”和“狗改不了吃屎”。上述情形，是社会心理学中“挫折－侵犯”理论（Frustration-Aggression Theory）和“替罪羊理论”（Scapegoat Theory），在现实中的一个典型例证。然而，反过来讲，当我们多了解一些社会学和心理学的相关知识，亦可由此多一些自我觉察的敏感度，多一些类似“镜子”和“尺子”的工具来自查、自测，从而对自身的很多糟糕习气，都有望起到类似“认知行为治疗”（Cognitive Behavior Therapy，CBT）的功效。或者，用一句俗话讲，“吐狼奶”（将从小被灌输的种种反自由反平等反人权，或曰惯于诉诸“威权暴力+权术操控”认知和行为，尽可能彻底地识别和抛弃），是我们每个人一辈子的修行。——译者】

The Internet has provided us with fabulous new technology for accomplishing drama—friending and unfriending, publishing your wise and wicked judgments about your recently beloved, spreading your indignation like lava over everything.

互联网的普及，也为各种“狗血剧”，提供了绝佳的技术支持。无论是成为好友还是取消关注，都可以对当下的所爱之人，随心所欲地评头论足；只要对谁不满，就像火山爆发一样，毫无顾忌地乱喷。

So while surfing the web has brought new opportunities, tons of information, and a great many joys into the lives of contemporary sluts, it also offers unprecedented opportunities for acting out, especially during the sensitive period surrounding a breakup.

上网冲浪固然带来很多新的机遇，让我们获取海量资讯，更让如今的众多婊子，如鱼得水，乐在其中。但与此同时，也让很多人“稍微一碰就爆炸”的情绪，有了一个可以肆意发泄的公共场所——尤其是在分手前后，内心最为脆弱敏感的时段。这是一个前所未有的问题。

All the rules that tell us who it’s safe to confide in go triple when electronic communication is involved. If you’re in the habit of using your blog or social-networking page as your personal journal, please consider keeping a separate page—if it’s online, lock it so you’re the only one who can see it, but we actually prefer paper for this—on which you can pour out anger, blaming, grief, and all the other emotions that are important to feel but inappropriate to share with your entire online community.

在涉及电子产品的人际交往中，所有关于“对谁可以吐露实情”的安全准则，其严格程度，都要乘以三倍。如果你习惯于把自己的事情，在网络平台上分享，笔者建议你，最好开辟一个“仅作者本人可见”的私密空间——在这里，你尽可爆发出自己的怒火，尽可责骂任何人，尽可倾诉伤心事；一切对你而言不容忽视、同时又不适合公之于众的情绪，都尽管在私密空间宣泄。

As for junior-high-school behavior like making a big drama about unfriending someone on your MySpace page—well, just don’t. If it’s no longer appropriate for an individual to have access to your personal information, consider posting less personal information for a while… or, if you absolutely must, simply remove that person from your friends list, without comment to them or to anyone else. Unfriending someone so you can badmouth them behind their back is silly and rude, and they’ll probably hear about it from some mutual friend anyway. Look for safer and more constructive ways to vent your feelings.

至于像某些初中生那样，一旦和谁绝交，就在自己的微博微信QQ小红书之类的地方，大张旗鼓地上演一场好戏，巴不得全世界都知道：这样的行为，一定要避免。（对于多性伴侣者而言），如果和你互相关注的某个前任性伴侣，或者“朋友的朋友”之类，如今已经不再是可以和你交心的人，你所发布在网上的个人动态，不愿再让ta看到，那么，你近期不妨少发一些和自己有关的“敏感内容”；当然，更好的方式，是把那个人悄然从你的网络好友中移除——但不要对那个人解释什么，也不要对别人声张此事。你千万不要认为，只要取关或者拉黑某个人，就意味着你无论说什么，那个人都看不到，就意味着你可以在ta背后说ta的坏话：这种行径，既没教养，更没智商，因为ta的一些朋友，可能依然是你的朋友，你在ta背后鬼鬼祟祟的坏话，难免由此传到ta的耳朵里。如果你的情绪确实需要发泄，那么，一定要选择更加安全的渠道。

If you look at advice columns from the early twentieth century, there is considerable judgment about the rudeness of using a typewriter(horrors!) to write a personal letter: new technologies often seem very impersonal at first, and email is no exception. The advantages and disadvantages of email are the same thing: on a computer screen you can’t use your face or body to communicate, and little smiley and frowny faces don’t really help much. Email can be very helpful in clarifying a point that feels too emotional or dangerous to communicate with your voice, but it can also come off sounding a lot harsher than you meant it, since your sympathetic smile gets lost somewhere in the ether.

如果你穿越到20世纪初，查看当时流行的“行为指南”、“为人处世建议”，你会惊愕地看到，其中包括“用打字机写私人信件，是一种不智之举”。种种新技术，在其问世之初，往往都会让人感到“无非是个冷冰冰的机器，缺乏人情味”，电子邮件等网络交流方式，也同样不例外。当你面对屏幕、通过文字，和别人进行交流，这样的优势和缺点都是同一个：你的表情和肢体语言，在相互交流的过程中，都完全失去了作用；至于笑脸或者皱眉之类的表情符号，更是“呵呵”而已，啥用也不顶。 【在无法视频对话的微博、推特、脸书、微信群等场合，一旦彼此都“情绪发作”，光靠文字沟通，局限性同样非常明显，很容易“道理越讲越不通”。——译者】 然而，电子邮件之类的在线文字交流，非常适用于将“不方便说出口”——如果诉诸语音交流，就可能引发巨大的情绪波动甚至灾难性的后果——的话题，说清楚、讲明白。但也要注意，文字信息毕竟是“缺乏温度”的，从中无法直接读出你感同身受的笑容，一些字眼在阅读过程中给人带来的感受，可能比你真正想要表达的意思，更加生硬、刺耳。

你和前任的共同朋友，分手之后算“谁的”？

WHO GETS THE FRIENDS?

One of the joyous consequences of open sexual lifestyles is that everybody tends to get interconnected in an extended family, sexual circle, or tribe. When a couple breaks up with lots of pain, then the whole circle is affected. For the people in pain, it can feel like there is no privacy. Your friends and other lovers may be full of their own ideas about who’s in the wrong. It hurts them when they feel your pain, so the entire circle may start looking for someone to blame.

开放的性爱关系，所产生的一个美好结果，是其中的每个人，都可能进入一个边界不断扩展的“性爱圈子”、“大家族”。但是，如果其中的一对爱人，带着巨大的痛苦分了手，这两个人所在的整个“圈子”，都会受到波及。圈子里的所有人，谁都很难对好友的痛苦坐视不理，仅仅将其视为“某个人的私事”。众多圈内好友，以及其ta情人，都可能对分手双方的“个中是非对错”，有很多自己的看法。你的痛苦会“传染”给很多朋友，于是，整个圈子都会开始寻找某个“该受到谴责的对象”。

Ethically speaking, the separating couple has some responsibility toward their intimate circle, and the circle has some responsibility toward the erstwhile couple. The members of the couple should refrain from trying to split the community. In other words, you don’t demand that all your friends sever whatever friendships they may have with your ex and you don’t divide your community up into those who are on your side and those who are against you by virtue of who continues to speak to your unspeakable ex.

从道义上讲，分手的双方，都对互有交集的性爱圈子，负有一定的义务。 【不该把互有交集的开放性爱圈子，作为倾诉彼此恩怨的“垃圾桶”，更不该借助圈内好友的“外力”来为自己“评理”、“助阵”，甚至存心搞臭和自己分手的对象。——译者注】 ；而这个圈子里的所有人，也都负有一定的责任。 【对曾经爱过、现已分手的伙伴，不该火上浇油、“看热闹不嫌事大”。——译者注】 不再相爱、一别两宽的各方——也许不是两人伴侣，而是多人伴侣——都应当有意识地避免：由此造成多边性爱社群发生分裂。换句话讲，你不能要求其ta朋友，在你和你的前任之间“选择一边站”；既然你不希望你的前任，从相互的朋友圈里得到任何形式的支持，你自己也不要“拉拢外援”，因为这必然会导致圈子分裂，陷入对立。

Privacy is a touchy issue here, because no one likes the consequences of gossip run amok—but we all need a confidant to tell our troubles to, especially in hard times. Sometimes separating couples can make agreements about who it’s okay to talk about private matters with, and who we would rather not have familiarized with our dirty linen.Other times, no agreement is reached, and the chips fall where they may.

在这种情况下，你和前任伴侣的隐私，都会变得非常敏感。没有人愿意亲身承受“流言蜚语不胫而走”的后果。然而，我们在内心非常难受的时候，往往都需要和密友倾诉衷肠。有些情况下，感情已破裂、正在闹分手的伴侣之间，可以达成共识协定：在彼此都了解的圈内好友之中，和哪些人，可以尽情倾诉，可以谈论涉及彼此隐私之事；和哪些人说话，要格外小心，一切“我们之间的家事”，都要对其屏蔽。还有一些时候，虽然分手的当事人之间，并无相关共识协定，但如果事态演变到一定程度，就会发生逆转，彼此都会尽力挽救、消弭不良后果。

If you feel that you and your ex should not be at the same parties for a while, you need to work that out with each other and not wind up screaming at your host for having invited both of you to the same event. It is particularly unethical to call up the host of a certain party and demand that your ex be disinvited, or to threaten not to come if your ex is invited. This adds up to foisting your work off on your friends. It is your task to set your boundaries, to make agreements with your ex, and, if you find yourself feeling bad in any place where your ex is also socializing, then it is your decision whether to stay or leave. If you wind up deciding that you want to attend this event so much that you will just have to deal with your ex’s presence, good for you: you will get some practice at sharing social space with your ex, which you are going to need to do eventually unless one of you moves to Timbuktu. Eventually, with practice, you will get good at dealing with your feelings about your ex, and all of this will hurtless, and you will be closer to achieving resolution and even possibly friendship after a bitter breakup.

如果你感觉，自己和刚刚分手的前任，不适合出现在同一场派对聚会中，那么，你需要在每一场派对前，和前任做好沟通，以免在某一场派对中尴尬相见，甚至全然失态地对主办者发飙：“为什么你既邀请我，也让ta来”、“如果你让ta留在这里，那我现在就走”。对派对主办者的上述做法，无异于把你和前任之间所应当做好的事情，推卸给你的朋友们，让朋友代替你背负本该完全属于你的责任。你的一切个人界限，无论如何设定，都是你自己的事情，其中包括主动和你的前任，就此协商，达成共识；此外，在任何社交场合，如果前任的出现，让你感觉不爽，无论你留下还是离开，都仅仅是你自己的决定——无关旁人之责，更不要给别人制造麻烦。如果某场派对，你明知道可能遇到前任，依然特别想去，那你就有必要针对“在公共空间遇到前任，我该怎么应付”，做些排练预演——除非你的前任已经搬到远方，否则，你迟早都会遇到上述情况。通过上述的演练和“实战”，你最终能够与自己的前任，无论在任何场合碰面，都不会造成伤害，都可以妥善应对；这样一来，无论你和前任在分手时造成了多大痛苦，你们之间的“恩怨死结”，都能逐渐化解，甚至可能“化敌为友”，重建友谊。

Your circle of friends and family is responsible for not getting split, for listening without judging, and for understanding that all of us think harsh thoughts while we are breaking up. Validate how bad your friend feels and take any condemnations with a grain of salt. The exception to this rule occurs when a breakup is based on the revelation of serious issues, like domestic violence or destructive substance abuse: there are no easy answers here, because a circle of sexual partners really does need to make judgments about these things. But most of the time, the accusations are about what a thoughtless, selfish, insensitive, needy, bitchy, dishonest, manipulative, passive-aggressive, rude, and stupid oaf that ex-partner is; we have all been all of these at some time or another, so we should be able to understand and forgive.

当你身在开放关系“小圈子”、“大家庭”，作为大家的共同好友，也负有以下责任：不要因为圈内朋友正在闹分手，而“趁火打劫”制造对立分裂；倾听分手当事人的心声，不要评判什么；对分手之际在所难免的偏激想法，予以理解。须知，在分手之际，谁都难免情绪恶劣；在这种心境下，无论对任何人进行怎样的指责，你听到后都别太当真，最好“姑妄听之、出门就忘”。然而，如果分手的原因，被爆出是因为家庭暴力、物质滥用等严重的问题，上述准则就不再完全适用，也没有“标准答案”的做法，可供全盘照搬；因为这涉及大是大非，其圈内性伴侣，无法对此“价值中立”，确实需要针对导致分手的那些事件，作出是非评判。不过，在绝大多数情况下，分手之际对“负心人”的指控，无非是些“不体谅人”、“自私自利”、“麻木不仁”、“情感索取的无底洞”、“嘴上不饶人的刻薄鬼”、“瞎话张嘴就来”、“操控型人格”、“消极攻击，摆肉头阵”、“没教养的糙货”、“不长脑子的傻缺”……之类：这些负面评价的帽子，我们自己也难免在一些情况下“被戴上”、“刚好合身”；无论作为听众还是看客，我们都需要多一些理解和包容。

分手，也可以是爱情的一种美好结局

Happy Endings Are Possible

While breakups are very hard for all concerned, and while we understand that you may feel very angry, sad, abandoned, or ill-treated for a while, we implore you to remember that your soon-to-be-ex-partner is still the same terrific person you used to love, and to burn no bridges. Janet says:

诚然，分手之时，彼此都充满苦涩；笔者深知，那时的你，难免在相当一段时间里，满怀愤怒和哀伤，觉得自己惨遭抛弃，或者遭受了恶劣的对待。但即使这样，笔者依然强烈恳请你，千万不要忘记：那个已经和你“缘尽于此”、“相看两厌”之人，和你曾经深爱的“无比美好之人”，是同一个人。对相爱过的足迹，哪怕已经时过境迁、渐行渐远，也不要彻底抹杀，也不妨留一些“再回首”的余地。本书作者之一的珍妮特，如此写道：

After our divorce, Finn was very angry with me and pretty depressed, and I felt very guilty. Still, for the sake of the kids of whom we had joint custody, we made a point of staying on civil terms. Now, twenty years later, I count him among my best friends and wound up being one of his support people during his serious illness a couple of years back. If we’d been awful to one another back when things were raw and difficult, I don’t think we’d be able to be on such good terms today, and we’d both have missed out on a very important and rewarding friendship.

当我和曾经的丈夫Finn离婚后，Finn对我非常愤恨，情绪也非常低落，这让我觉得自己非常对不起他。但毕竟，我和Finn有共同的孩子，要对孩子共同承担监护责任，所以我和Finn还要保持着“大面上过得去”的关系往来。如今，二十多年过去了，Finn已经成为我最好的朋友之一，前些年当他身患重病时，我也是长期为他排忧解难的很多人之一。假如当初，在我们情绪都很糟糕的分手自己，我和Finn相互苛待、彻底闹翻，恐怕时至今日，我和他就无法相处得这样融洽：换言之，我和他都会失去一个极其重要的今生至交。

Smart sluts know, even if they sometimes forget in the heat of conflict, that a breakup need not mean the end of a relationship—it may be, instead, a shift to a different kind of relationship, possibly a relationship between courteous acquaintances, or friends, or maybe even lovers.

有智慧的婊子，大都晓得：分手并不意味着亲密关系就此恩断义绝——尽管在彼此冲突处于“白热化”的时刻，上述道理可能被暂时抛诸脑后。分手之后，也许意味着彼此的关系，转变成另一种不同的形态：也许是相敬如宾的熟人，也许是一般意义上的朋友，还有可能，是依然相爱的情人。

Dossie relates:

本书作者之一道茜，如此讲道：

I dated Bill for two years, during which our connection on all levels was wonderful to me, especially an intense sexual connection: we explored a whole lot of famous firsts together. So we moved in together, and that lasted for all of six months before we blew up in a massive fight and separated. We really did have very different life goals. It was about a year before we could be around each other much, but then we started dating again, and the sex was even hotter and more profound than before. We wound up getting together once a month or so for the following nine years, as good friends and lovers, continuing the lovely steamy sex that had brought us together in the first place.

我和一个名叫比尔的人，彼此分居，多次约会。在最初的两年里，我俩都觉得彼此完美无缺，尤其性生活，一直在不断探索新花样，从中实现长久保鲜。这样的好日子，持续了两年。随后，我开始和比尔同居。然而，仅仅维持了六个月，我和比尔就爆发了激烈的冲突，从此一拍两散。不得不承认，我和比尔，有着截然不同的人生方向。分手大约一年，我和比尔终于能够互释前嫌，再次频繁见面，随后，我们又开始了约会——我俩之前的性爱，甚至比之前更加热辣，更加深情。我和比尔的关系，逐渐演变成这样的的稳定状态：每月相聚一次。这样的状态，我和比尔已经持续了九年。我俩既是好友，也是情人，性爱一直美好如初。

【练习题】健康、无伤害的分手

EXERCISE A Healthy Breakup

Make up a story about a healthy constructive breakup. Include details about how each person could work through difficult feelings. Invent agreements for right after the breakup, for six weeks later, for six months later.

写下一个关于分手的故事——健康的、具有建设性意义的分手。故事中，要包含这样的细节：其中涉及的每一个人，分别怎样应对、怎样走出辛酸苦辣的负面情绪。此外，分手的双方，就其之后六周，和之后半年，需要怎样的共识协定？你来设身处地，为ta们“创造”、起草吧。

One of the nice things about being an ethical slut is that your relationships don’t have to be either/or: you may have as many ways of relating to your friends and lovers as you have friends and lovers.Once you have survived a breakup, there’s not a lot worse that can go down. A relationship with an ex is real security, a friendship with someone who has seen you at your utter worst. When we know someone with their complete complement of flaws and failings—as we do our exes—we have the foundation of a truly intimate and important relationship that can continue to change, grow, and provide support for many years to come. As Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote:

身为一个无视公序良俗但求性趣自由、同时既重感情又讲道理的婊子，这辈子最欣慰的乐事之一，是亲密关系对自己而言，可以完全不是“黑白分明”、“非此即彼”、“爱或者不爱，只能二选一”。你可以有很多的朋友和情人，也会有很多不同的方式，和不同类型的朋友和情人，营造出很多不一样的人际连结方式。当你经历了一场分手，只要能够挣扎着站起来、走下去，之后就不会更糟，或者说，意味着“触底反弹”的开始，甚至“塞翁失马，焉知非福”。和曾经“闹翻”的前任，重建人际连结乃至亲密关系，是现实生活中最安全的事情：因为你的这位好友，曾经见识过你最臭最烂、最为不堪的一面，但依然愿意继续与你一路同行。当我们能够充分了解某个人的所有缺陷、所有过失——这个人当然可以是我们的前任爱侣——我们和那个人之间，就拥有了真正亲密无间、充分珍惜彼此的坚定基石；这样的亲密和珍惜，可以与时俱进地流变、成长，形成经久不渝的互助力量。正如以双性恋和开放关系闻名的美国诗人埃德娜·圣文森特·米莱（1892～1950）所言：

After all, my erstwhile dear,
无论如何，我曾与你如胶似漆

My no longer cherished,
尽管现在，我的身心都离你而去

Need we say it wasn’t love
难道一定要说：我们的爱情从未有过

Just because it perished?
仅仅因为它会凋落，并非寿与天齐？

第20章 亲密关系：潮起潮落，缘生缘灭，在所难免