17 单偶/多边关系 Mono/Poly Relationships

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In a healthy environment, conflict and diversity offer opportunities for everyone to learn a little bit better how to love.

DANYA RUTTENBERG¹

在健康的环境中，冲突和多样性为每个人提供了更好地学习如何去爱的机会。

丹雅·鲁滕伯格 (Danya Ruttenberg)¹

Few things put the amatonormative idea that “true love conquers all” to the test more than major incompatibilities in core values or the kind of life you want.

没有什么比核心价值观或理想生活方式上的重大不兼容更能考验“真爱战胜一切”这一恋爱常态观念的了。

Differences in religion, political views, a desire (or lack thereof) for children, and more can all be showstoppers depending on their importance and how willing or able the people involved are to budge. One significant point of incompatibility, of course, is when one person desires exclusivity and the other does not.

宗教、政治观点的差异，对孩子渴望（或缺乏渴望）等等，都可能成为破坏关系的因素，这取决于它们的重要性以及相关人员让步的意愿或能力。当然，一个重要的不兼容点是当一个人渴望排他性而另一个人不渴望时。

When people know they have specific deal-breakers, most will do their best only to connect with people who want the same things they do. But hearts have a way of pole-vaulting over even the most well-defended barriers, and sometimes people do find themselves in deep connection, but misaligned on their approach to exclusivity. Or one person in an established partnership—whether open or closed—may realize the current structure isn’t working for them, and they need to ask for change. Or someone is in a secure monogamous partnership, but finds themselves falling in love with another person, while their love for their original partner remains undiminished. In cases like these—where one person in a dyad wants nonmonogamy and one doesn’t—a decision must be made: Either you go your separate ways and each seek out the life you want, or you choose each other and try to make it work. Welcome to the mono/poly relationship.

当人们知道自己有特定的破坏交易因素（deal-breakers）时，大多数人会尽力只与那些想要同样东西的人建立联系。但是，心总有办法撑杆跳过即使是防御最严密的障碍，有时人们确实会发现自己处于深层连接中，但在排他性方法上并不一致。或者，处于既定伴侣关系（无论是开放还是封闭）中的一个人可能会意识到当前的结构对他们不起作用，他们需要要求改变。或者有人处于一段安全的单偶制伴侣关系中，但发现自己爱上了另一个人，同时对自己原伴侣的爱并未减少。在这些情况下——二人组中的一个人想要非单偶制而另一个人不想要——必须做出决定：要么你们分道扬镳，各自寻找自己想要的生活，要么你们选择彼此并努力使其行得通。欢迎来到单偶/多边关系。

For some people, a good mono/poly relationship is possible. But getting there is hard. In fact, it is among the most difficult nonmonogamy structures to navigate in a way that promotes and respects the well-being of everyone involved. These relationships require patience, persistence, flexibility and compassion. They require careful communication and a willingness to do some deep soul-searching. The people in them must be willing to work together, and the nonmonogamous person’s other partners, if there are any, also need to be willing to show sensitivity and kindness to the needs of the monogamous person.

对一些人来说，一段良好的单偶/多边关系是可能的。但这很难实现。事实上，它是最难驾驭的非单偶制结构之一，如果要以促进和尊重每个相关人员福祉的方式进行的话。这些关系需要耐心、坚持、灵活性和同情心。它们需要仔细的沟通和进行一些深度反省的意愿。其中的人必须愿意共同努力，如果非单偶制者有其他伴侣，这些伴侣也需要愿意对单偶制者的需求表现出敏感和善意。

Defining monogamy

定义单偶制

The concept of monogamy is more complicated than it seems. Some people consider themselves monogamous because they want only one partner, but they’re okay if their partner has other lovers. Others identify as monogamous because they want a relationship in which their one partner is also exclusively faithful to them. Also, different people have different ideas about what constitutes fidelity. Some swingers self-identify as monogamous; for them, sex without emotional attachment doesn’t count. Other people consider even a platonic relationship that has emotional depth, or even an unrequited crush, to be a profound betrayal of monogamous agreements.

单偶制的概念比看起来要复杂。有些人认为自己是单偶制的，因为他们只想要一个伴侣，但如果他们的伴侣有其他爱人，他们也没关系。另一些人认同为单偶制，是因为他们想要一段伴侣也对他们绝对忠诚的关系。此外，不同的人对什么构成忠诚有不同的看法。一些换偶者自认为是单偶制的；对他们来说，没有情感依恋的性行为不算数。另一些人甚至认为具有情感深度的柏拉图式关系，甚至单相思，都是对单偶制协议的深刻背叛。

As you might imagine, a nonmonogamous relationship with a monogamous partner who only wants one partner, but is okay if you have other relationships is going to be a lot easier than a nonmonogamous relationship with someone who really wants it to be just the two of you. Mono/poly relationships also follow a different course when the monogamous person falls in love with a nonmonogamous person who already has other partners than when a couple start a relationship together and the door to nonmonogamy opens later.

正如你可以想象的那样，与一个只想要一个伴侣但对你有其他关系也没问题的单偶制伴侣建立非单偶制关系，要比与一个真心希望只有你们两人的伴侣建立非单偶制关系容易得多。当单偶制者爱上一个已经有其他伴侣的非单偶制者时，单偶/多边关系的发展轨迹也不同于一对伴侣共同开始一段关系并在后来打开非单偶制大门的情况。

The monogamous person could also be “solo monogamous,” meaning they don’t want an escalator-style relationship, but they don’t have a desire for more than one partner themselves, and they don’t mind if their partner has other relationships. Such an arrangement may not pose too much difficulty if it’s what everyone truly wants—in such cases, the nonmonogamous person might even have a nesting or escalator relationship with another (monogamous or nonmonogamous) partner. The monogamous person may be asexual and want just one queerplatonic life partner, but be happy for that person to have intimate relationships with others. Or they could be post-nonmonogamous,² meaning in this context (there are others!) that they’ve spent time living nonmonogamously and have transitioned back to wanting only one partner. These folks may have already done the work of unpacking mononormativity, and may have had healthy nonmonogamous relationships in the past. So assuming they didn’t leave nonmonogamy thinking “Well, that sucked—I’ll never try that again!” but have other reasons, such as time or resource limitations or just a lack of interest, a post-nonmonogamous person also may not struggle too much with having a nonmonogamous partner.

单偶制者也可能是“独身单偶制者”(solo monogamous)，这意味着他们不想要自动扶梯式的关系，但他们自己也不渴望拥有一个以上的伴侣，并且他们不介意伴侣有其他关系。如果这是每个人真正想要的，这样的安排可能不会造成太大的困难——在这种情况下，非单偶制者甚至可能与另一个（单偶制或非单偶制）伴侣有同居或自动扶梯式关系。单偶制者可能是无性恋者，只想要一个酷儿柏拉图式生活伴侣，但乐于让那个人与他人建立亲密关系。或者他们可能是后非单偶制者，² 在这种语境下（还有其他语境！），这意味着他们曾过着非单偶制的生活，并已转变为只想要一个伴侣。这些人可能已经完成了拆解单偶常态的工作，并且过去可能有过健康的非单偶制关系。因此，假设他们离开非单偶制时的想法不是“嗯，那太糟糕了——我再也不会尝试了！”，而是有其他原因，如时间或资源限制或仅仅是缺乏兴趣，那么一个后非单偶制者在拥有一个非单偶制伴侣方面可能也不会太挣扎。

Likewise, as we discussed on page 16, nonmonogamous folks have different relationships to their nonmonogamy. For some, it’s essential to who they are—they could never consider an exclusive relationship. Others are more adaptable, and would be fine with limiting their connections with others for the right person. The latter kind of person is likely to be able to be far more flexible in how they accommodate a monogamous partner.

同样，正如我们在第 16 页所讨论的，非单偶制者与他们的非单偶制有不同的关系。对一些人来说，这对他们是谁至关重要——他们永远无法考虑排他性关系。另一些人则适应性更强，如果不适合的人出现，他们愿意限制与他人的联系。后一种人很可能在如何适应单偶制伴侣方面更加灵活。

Since there is so much variation in how people came to and practise both monogamy and nonmonogamy, not all mono/poly relationships will present special challenges beyond those covered in the rest of this book. The rest of this chapter focuses on pairings where there’s an uncomfortable degree of difference in what people want their relationships to look like, or even a philosophical divide over the relative importance of monogamy and nonmonogamy, as this tends to be where special support is needed.

由于人们接触和实践单偶制与非单偶制的方式千差万别，并非所有的单偶/多边关系都会带来本书其余部分未涵盖的特殊挑战。本章的其余部分重点关注那些在人们希望关系看起来是什么样子方面存在令人不舒服的差异，甚至在单偶制和非单偶制的相对重要性上存在哲学分歧的配对，因为这往往是需要特别支持的地方。

You won’t change each other

你们不会改变彼此

Nonmonogamous folks have heard this story a million times: Two people have been together a couple of years. One’s nonmonogamous, one’s not—in fact, the very thought of nonmonogamy exhausts them. But the nonmonogamous partner believes the monogamous one will someday “wake up” to nonmonogamy’s advantages, while the monogamous partner believes their beau will eventually “settle down” to monogamy. They’re in love, and each is prepared to patiently wait for the other to change … as long as it takes.

非单偶制者听过这个故事一百万遍了：两个人在一起几年了。一个是非单偶制，一个不是——事实上，一想到非单偶制就让他们精疲力尽。但非单偶制伴侣相信单偶制伴侣总有一天会“醒悟”到非单偶制的优势，而单偶制伴侣相信他们的爱人最终会“安定下来”回归单偶制。他们相爱，每个人都准备耐心等待对方改变……无论需要多长时间。

There’s a word in the nonmonogamy world for monogamous people who knowingly pair up with a nonmonogamous person, hoping to change them: cowpokes (or cowgirls, or cowboys). They ride up alongside a nonmonogamous crowd and try to “rope one out of the herd.” There’s no special nickname for the nonmonogamous person who hopes to change their mono partner, but there should be. Both are setting themselves up for long-term pain and thwarted dreams.

在非单偶制世界里，有一个词用来形容那些明知故犯地与非单偶制者配对，并希望改变对方的单偶制者：牧人 (cowpokes)（或牛仔女、牛仔）。他们骑马来到非单偶制人群旁，试图“从牛群中套走一个”。对于希望改变单偶制伴侣的非单偶制者没有特别的昵称，但应该有一个。双方都在为自己制造长期的痛苦和受挫的梦想。

The cowpoke story usually goes like this: The monogamous person has internalized the narrative of mononormativity—that nonmonogamy is just a phase, that when the person they want meets The One (who is, of course, the monogamous person), they’ll settle down. The nonmonogamous person, meanwhile, believes the monogamous person will come around once they feel secure, or starts to want variety, or sees other nonmonogamous relationships working, or just sees the light.

牧人的故事通常是这样的：单偶制者内化了单偶常态的叙事——非单偶制只是一个阶段，当他们想要的人遇到“真命天子/天女”（那当然是这个单偶制者）时，他们就会安定下来。与此同时，非单偶制者相信，一旦单偶制者感到安全，或者开始想要变化，或者看到其他非单偶制关系运作良好，或者仅仅是看到了光明，他们就会回心转意。

Each says they accept the other’s nature. The monogamous person may even agree to an open relationship in theory—just not yet, not until the relationship is stable. And the nonmonogamous person offers that time. And more time. And whenever they talk about opening the relationship, there’s some reason not to (see the section on pocket vetoes on pages 236–238). Maybe there’s some external stressor, or there’s something wrong with the person the nonmonogamous partner wants to date. And after a lot of time has passed, and the two are deeply bonded, and the nonmonogamous person seriously falls for someone new … well, of course that person is seen as a threat, because the nonmonogamous person wants to change the now-long-established default.

每个人都说他们接受对方的本性。单偶制者甚至可能在理论上同意开放关系——只是现在还不行，要等到关系稳定之后。非单偶制者提供了那个时间。更多的时间。每当他们谈论开放关系时，总有理由不这样做（见第 236-238 页关于拖延否决权的部分）。也许有一些外部压力源，或者非单偶制伴侣想约会的人有问题。在过了很长时间，两人建立了深厚的感情，非单偶制者真的爱上了新人之后……嗯，当然那个人被视为威胁，因为非单偶制者想要改变现在已经确立已久的默认设置。

Note that we’re not referring here to the kind of arrangement that Jessica Fern and David Cooley refer to in Polywise as a temporary vessel.³ Temporary vessels—a specific period of relationship closure—can offer valuable guardrails when a relationship (or person) is going through a rough patch. But temporary vessels are time-limited, usually have specific expectations about how the time within the vessel will be used, and often don’t involve cutting off other existing partners, just not looking for or starting new relationships.

请注意，我们在这里不是指杰西卡·弗恩和戴维·库利在《多边智慧》中所指的临时容器 (temporary vessel) 那种安排。³ 临时容器——一段特定的关系封闭期——可以在一段关系（或个人）经历困难时期提供宝贵的护栏。但临时容器是限时的，通常对如何利用容器内的时间有具体的期望，而且往往不涉及切断其他现有伴侣，只是不寻找或开始新关系。

The problem we’re talking about is when two parties entered, or continued, a relationship on the assumption that one would eventually change the other, when the other person has not (freely) agreed they want to change. For many people, nonmonogamy and monogamy aren’t things they can simply change; they are fundamental. Mono/poly relationships only work when each person wholeheartedly embraces who the other is, allowing them to live the way that’s most authentic for them, without judgment. Intimacy comes from accepting and loving others for who they are.

我们谈论的问题是，当双方进入或继续一段关系时，假设一方最终会改变另一方，而另一方并没有（自由地）同意他们想要改变。对许多人来说，非单偶制和单偶制不是他们可以简单改变的东西；它们是根本性的。单偶/多边关系只有在每个人全心全意地拥抱对方是谁，允许他们以对他们来说最真实的方式生活，而不加评判时才有效。亲密来自于接受和爱他人的本来面目。

Choosing your path

选择你的道路

If two people with a major relationship incompatibility decide to try to move forward together, at least one of them is going to have to give something up. To make it work, one person may have to change religions, or give up the idea of having children, or move to another country. When a monogamous person and a nonmonogamous person pair up, they will, of course, have to decide together whether the relationship will be monogamous or nonmonogamous, for how long, and what that will look like. The solution to this puzzle will look different for everyone, and there should be no assumptions from the outset about what it will be—but it will go much better, and set you up for longer-term success, if you go into the negotiation without assumptions about who holds a moral high ground.

如果两个在关系上有重大不兼容的人决定尝试一起前进，至少其中一个人将不得不放弃一些东西。为了使其行得通，一个人可能不得不改变宗教信仰，或者放弃生孩子的想法，或者搬到另一个国家。当一个单偶制者和一个非单偶制者配对时，他们当然必须一起决定这段关系是单偶制还是非单偶制，持续多久，以及那会是什么样子。这个谜题的解决方案对每个人来说都是不同的，从一开始就不应该假设它会是什么——但是，如果你在谈判时没有关于谁占据道德高地的假设，情况会好得多，并为你长期的成功做好准备。

It can be all too easy for a monogamous partner to reach for mononormative messages from the surrounding society to try to shame their partner into agreeing to exclusivity. It can be all too easy for a nonmonogamous partner, especially in certain subcultures, to try to shame their monogamous partner into an open relationship with arguments that nonmonogamy is more enlightened, or that the monogamous partner is just insecure and needs to work on themselves. Please don’t do this—or let a partner do this. If you’re going to go forward together, you both need an opportunity to freely choose.

单偶制伴侣很容易从周围社会获取单偶常态的信息，试图羞辱他们的伴侣以同意排他性。非单偶制伴侣，特别是在某些亚文化中，也很容易试图用非单偶制更开明，或者单偶制伴侣只是不安全且需要自我修养等论点，羞辱他们的单偶制伴侣进入开放关系。请不要这样做——或者让伴侣这样做。如果你们要一起前进，你们都需要一个自由选择的机会。

A monogamous partner may try to agree to a nonmonogamous relationship while essentially viewing the nonmonogamy as a problem to be managed, rather than a source of joy and wholeness for a loved one. They may find it difficult to recognize that nonmonogamy isn’t a flaw or a failing; it’s a different, entirely valid way of seeing relationships. The nonmonogamous person, for their part, may see a monogamous partner’s needs as obstacles to be worked around, or as unreasonable expectations to be dealt with. They may feel that if the monogamous person would just get with the program, these needs would fall by the wayside.

单偶制伴侣可能会试图同意一段非单偶制关系，但本质上将非单偶制视为一个需要管理的问题，而不是爱人快乐和完整的源泉。他们可能很难认识到非单偶制不是缺陷或失败；这是一种不同的、完全有效的看待关系的方式。而非单偶制者可能会将单偶制伴侣的需求视为需要绕过的障碍，或者是需要处理的不合理期望。他们可能会觉得，如果单偶制者能跟上计划，这些需求就会消失。

Exclusivity is not an imposition—it’s a valid, healthy and reasonable way to conduct romantic relationships. The monogamous partner isn’t unevolved, unenlightened or selfish. There is nothing wrong with wanting one exclusive partner. It’s a totally valid option for a mono/poly couple to decide to have an exclusive relationship, if the nonmonogamous partner doesn’t feel that means sacrificing something core to who they are.

排他性不是一种强加——它是进行浪漫关系的一种有效、健康和合理的方式。单偶制伴侣并非未进化、不开明或自私。想要一个排他的伴侣并没有错。如果非单偶制伴侣不觉得这意味着牺牲他们核心自我的东西，单偶/多边夫妇决定拥有排他性关系是一个完全有效的选择。

And, as much as it might hurt, it’s also a totally valid option to decide to go your separate ways if you can’t find a relationship structure that feels genuinely safe and authentic for both of you. But this is a book about nonmonogamous relationships, so the rest of this chapter is about the third option: having a nonmonogamous relationship where one of the partners is monogamous.

而且，尽管这可能会很痛苦，但如果你们找不到一种让双方都感觉真正安全和真实的结构，决定分道扬镳也是一个完全有效的选择。但这是一本关于非单偶制关系的书，所以本章的其余部分是关于第三种选择：拥有一段其中一方是单偶制的非单偶制关系。

Confronting assumptions

直面假设

Communication about assumptions and expectations is especially vital in mono/poly relationships, because when you don’t talk openly about something, the default social norms tend to dominate. Some of the assumptions monogamous partners make may include ideas like “If you truly loved me, I would be enough for you” and “If I am not enough for you, something is wrong with me.” They may react to a new flirtation by asking, “Why aren’t the partners you have enough?” or “What’s missing from your life that you need to go out and look for something more?” (To be fair, even staunchly nonmonogamous folks can be plagued by these kinds of doubts, too.)

关于假设和期望的沟通在单偶/多边关系中尤为重要，因为当你不公开谈论某件事时，默认的社会规范往往占主导地位。单偶制伴侣做出的一些假设可能包括“如果你真的爱我，我就足够满足你了”和“如果我还不够满足你，那就是我有问题”等想法。他们可能会对新的调情反应道：“为什么你现有的伴侣还不够？”或者“你的生活中缺少了什么，你需要出去寻找更多东西？”（公平地说，即使是坚定的非单偶制者也可能被这类疑虑所困扰。）

One of the most difficult hurdles to overcome can be an assumption that a person is nonmonogamous because something is missing in a relationship. Sometimes nonmonogamy does offer an opportunity to satisfy an unmet need; for example, some nonmonogamous people are interested in BDSM but have a partner who isn’t, or have an asexual partner while they themselves are allosexual. But even in those situations, nonmonogamy isn’t a reflection of the deficiencies of the monogamous person, it’s just a recognition of a difference.

最难克服的障碍之一可能是一个假设，即一个人之所以是非单偶制，是因为关系中缺少了什么。有时非单偶制确实提供了满足未满足需求的机会；例如，一些非单偶制者对 BDSM 感兴趣，但伴侣不感兴趣，或者是自己是有性恋而伴侣是无性恋。但即使在这些情况下，非单偶制也不是单偶制者缺陷的反映，它只是对差异的承认。

Nonmonogamy can even be a benefit to the monogamous partner. For example, some people feel guilty over not being able to provide their partners with something, such as if they are not interested in bondage but their partner absolutely loves it. When the bondage-lover starts dating a new partner who is also enthusiastic about bondage, the vanilla partner might feel intimidated at first—is this going to be the end? But after time goes by and that doesn’t happen, they might no longer feel guilty about not being able to provide the bondage-lover with what they want.

非单偶制甚至可能对单偶制伴侣有好处。例如，有些人因为无法为伴侣提供某些东西而感到内疚，比如他们对捆绑不感兴趣，但他们的伴侣绝对喜欢。当捆绑爱好者开始与一位同样热衷于捆绑的新伴侣约会时，香草（普通）伴侣一开始可能会感到害怕——这会是结束吗？但随着时间的推移，那并没有发生，他们可能不再因为无法提供捆绑爱好者想要的东西而感到内疚。

From the perspective of a monogamous person, nonmonogamy may look like a licence to behave indiscriminately. It can be difficult to shake the notion that commitment and exclusivity are the same thing. This can lead to thoughts that a nonmonogamous person can’t or won’t commit, and therefore must be unreliable or wildly promiscuous. A better way to think about it is in terms of openness to intimate connection, not too different from the way most people are open to making new friends, but to a degree that goes beyond the lines usually inscribed by mononormativity.

从单偶制者的角度来看，非单偶制可能看起来像是胡作非为的许可证。很难动摇承诺和排他性是一回事的观念。这会导致一种想法，即非单偶制者不能或不愿承诺，因此一定是不可靠的或极度滥交的。一种更好的思考方式是从对亲密联系的开放性角度来看，这与大多数人对结交新朋友的开放态度没有太大区别，只是程度超出了单偶常态通常划定的界线。

Social recognition can also be a big issue in mono/poly relationships. A monogamous person in a nonmonogamous relationship often wants the social recognition that comes with being conventionally partnered, and they may feel uncomfortable with public signs of partnership that involve others. Placing restrictions on public affection with other partners, though, is likely to create resentment—the nonmonogamous person may feel forced into fakery or shamed about their other partners or relationships. Sometimes this is just an issue that people need time and space to work through. Sometimes it can be dealt with by planning inclusive public activities together. This is a place where working to unpack mononormative stories can be really helpful.

社会认可也可能是单偶/多边关系中的一个大问题。处于非单偶制关系中的单偶制者通常想要随传统伴侣关系而来的社会认可，他们可能对涉及他人的公开伴侣迹象感到不舒服。然而，限制与其他伴侣的公开亲昵可能会产生怨恨——非单偶制者可能会感到被迫造假或对他们的其他伴侣或关系感到羞耻。有时这只是一个人们需要时间和空间来解决的问题。有时可以通过一起策划包容性的公共活动来解决。这是一个努力解构单偶常态故事真正有帮助的地方。

Cultivating trust

培养信任

Mono/poly relationships require special commitment to trust and communication, because it’s hard to trust someone whose motivations you don’t fully understand. When someone’s motivations don’t make sense to you, you will find it difficult to predict what choices they might make. When two people don’t see eye to eye, it’s easy for a tiny seed of doubt to blossom into a full-blown breakdown of trust.

单偶/多边关系需要对信任和沟通做出特别承诺，因为很难信任一个你不完全理解其动机的人。当某人的动机对你来说没有意义时，你会发现很难预测他们可能会做出什么选择。当两个人意见不一致时，一颗微小的怀疑种子很容易开花结果，变成信任的全面崩溃。

Being willing to take a leap of faith that a nonmonogamous partner is dedicated to the relationship, even if you don’t understand their motivations, is especially important for the monogamous partner. On the other side, as the nonmonogamous person, when opportunities to build trust arise, you really have to behave with integrity. If you’ve made promises to your monogamous partner, keep them. If those promises create real problems for you or others, don’t break them: renegotiate them. Cultivate trust by demonstrating that you can be trusted.

愿意相信非单偶制伴侣致力于这段关系，即使你不理解他们的动机，这对于单偶制伴侣来说尤其重要。另一方面，作为非单偶制者，当建立信任的机会出现时，你真的必须正直行事。如果你对你的单偶制伴侣做出了承诺，请遵守它们。如果这些承诺给你或他人带来了真正的问题，不要打破它们：重新协商。通过证明你是值得信任的来培养信任。

Finally, for the monogamous person, trust in yourself—in your self-efficacy—is as important as trust in your partner. Many people find that sticking with it and getting through those early struggles gives them confidence that they can get through future struggles. Even if you’re terrified at the beginning of your relationship, when nonmonogamy is a complete unknown, with time and a trustworthy partner who builds security with you, you can build confidence that if hard times come back, you can get through them and be okay.

最后，对于单偶制者来说，信任你自己——你的自我效能感——与信任你的伴侣一样重要。许多人发现，坚持下去并度过早期的挣扎会给他们信心，让他们相信自己可以度过未来的挣扎。即使你在关系开始时感到恐惧，那时非单偶制完全是一个未知数，但随着时间的推移和一个与你建立安全感的值得信赖的伴侣，你可以建立信心，如果困难时期再次来临，你可以度过它们并且没事。

Transparency is important. The nonmonogamous partner may hesitate to tell the monogamous person about new interests for fear of hurting them. The monogamous person might not want to talk about their fears or insecurities for fear of upsetting the nonmonogamous partner. But relationships live or die by the quality of the communication in them. It’s vital that both people talk openly, even when talking openly is difficult.

透明度很重要。非单偶制伴侣可能会犹豫是否要告诉单偶制者关于新兴趣的事，因为害怕伤害他们。单偶制者可能不想谈论他们的恐惧或不安全感，因为害怕让非单偶制伴侣心烦。但关系的存亡取决于其中的沟通质量。即使公开交谈很困难，两人也要公开交谈，这至关重要。

If you’re the monogamous partner

如果你是单偶制伴侣

Being content as a monogamous person in a mono/poly relationship means finding a way to make the relationship work for you. If you see nonmonogamy as a problem to be worked around, you’re less likely to be happy than if you find a way to make it benefit you too. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to have multiple relationships yourself; it might mean nonmonogamy gives you the opportunity to explore other interests or hobbies. (We talk more about this later in this chapter.) If you know there’s something you can’t offer a partner, it might take stress off you when your partner finds someone else who can. If you’re introverted and your partner is extroverted, nonmonogamy might let you spend time doing things you want while your partner is socializing with others.

作为单偶/多边关系中的单偶制者，要感到满足意味着找到一种方法让这段关系对你有效。如果你把非单偶制看作是一个需要解决的问题，那么比起你找到一种方法让它也使你受益，你不太可能感到快乐。这并不一定意味着你自己必须有多段关系；这可能意味着非单偶制让你有机会探索其他兴趣或爱好。（我们将在本章后面详细讨论这一点。）如果你知道有些东西你无法提供给伴侣，当你的伴侣找到其他能提供这些东西的人时，这可能会减轻你的压力。如果你是内向的而你的伴侣是外向的，非单偶制可能会让你在伴侣与他人社交时花时间做你想做的事。

Remember, there is nothing wrong with you. Your partner is nonmonogamous because they are nonmonogamous. No matter who you are, no matter what you could be or do, they would still be nonmonogamous. If you have a friend and you decide to make another friend, it probably isn’t because there’s something wrong with the first friend. It’s about bringing more love, companionship and intimacy into your life. Nonmonogamy extends that familiar philosophy to intimate relationships.

记住，你没有错。你的伴侣是非单偶制是因为他们是非单偶制。无论你是谁，无论你能成为什么或做什么，他们仍然会是非单偶制。如果你有一个朋友，你决定再交一个朋友，那可能不是因为第一个朋友有问题。这是为了给你的生活带来更多的爱、陪伴和亲密。非单偶制将这种熟悉的哲学延伸到了亲密关系中。

You don’t have to make peace with this all at once. It’s okay to need time. Nonmonogamy is a radical change, and sometimes it takes awhile to process change. You may feel jealous or insecure at times. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s also okay to ask your partner for help when this happens. Not help as in “I need you to dump you other partners,” but help as in “I need your reassurance and support here.” There’s nothing wrong with asking your partner to show you why you’re valued. (Remember HEARTS from page 112.)

你不必一下子就接受这一切。需要时间是可以的。非单偶制是一个剧变，有时处理变化需要一段时间。你有时候可能会感到嫉妒或不安全。没关系。这并不意味着你做错了什么。当这种情况发生时，向你的伴侣寻求帮助也是可以的。不是那种“我需要你甩掉你的其他伴侣”的帮助，而是“我在这里需要你的安慰和支持”的帮助。要求你的伴侣向你展示你为什么被重视并没有错。（记得第 112 页的 HEARTS。）

There’s also nothing wrong with being monogamous. If you don’t want other partners, don’t try to force yourself to have them. If you want to explore what it’s like, that’s one thing, but you don’t have to in order to be with a nonmonogamous person! There’s nothing wrong with being who you are. And there’s nothing wrong with your partner for being nonmonogamous. It isn’t a moral failing. It isn’t because nonmonogamous people can’t commit—that’s important to keep in mind, too. Suggesting that nonmonogamy is a problem or that there’s something wrong with your partner is unlikely to make your relationship better.

做单偶制者也没有错。如果你不想要其他伴侣，不要试图强迫自己去拥有。如果你想探索那是什么感觉，那是一回事，但你不必为了和非单偶制者在一起而这样做！做你自己没有错。你的伴侣是非单偶制者也没有错。这不是道德败坏。这不是因为非单偶制者不能承诺——记住这一点也很重要。暗示非单偶制是个问题或者你的伴侣有问题不太可能让你们的关系变得更好。

Your partner’s other partners are human beings. It can be hard at times not to resent them. It can be tempting to tell yourself they have no right to be there. That’s not true. Nonmonogamy is a valid relationship model, and the people involved in a nonmonogamous relationship have a right to be there, just as you do. Your partner’s other partners are not your enemies. They don’t necessarily have to be your family, or even your friends, but respecting them and treating them kindly as people your partner loves, and who add value to your partner’s life, will definitely help your own relationship run smoothly.

你伴侣的其他伴侣是人。有时很难不怨恨他们。告诉自己他们无权在那里是很诱人的。那不是真的。非单偶制是一种有效的关系模式，非单偶制关系中的人有权在那里，就像你一样。你伴侣的其他伴侣不是你的敌人。他们不一定要成为你的家人，甚至不一定是你的朋友，但尊重他们，把他们作为你伴侣所爱的人、为你伴侣生活增添价值的人来善待，这肯定会有助于你自己的关系顺利进行。

As we like to emphasize, people are not interchangeable. It may seem that if your partner has another partner who is similar to you, or likes the same things you do, then they don’t need you anymore. But remember, they’re nonmonogamous and don’t think or feel that way. They love you for who you are. Doing something with you is an entirely different experience from doing the same thing with someone else. And if your partner has a partner who’s very different from you, it’s not a covert way of saying that the different things about you aren’t good, wonderful or valuable, or that they want you to be like someone else.

正如我们喜欢强调的那样，人是不可互换的。似乎如果你的伴侣有另一个和你相似的伴侣，或者喜欢和你一样的东西，那么他们就不再需要你了。但请记住，他们是非单偶制者，他们不那样思考或感觉。他们爱你是因为你是谁。和你一起做某事与和别人做同样的事是完全不同的体验。如果你的伴侣有一个和你非常不同的伴侣，这并不是一种隐晦的说法，说你身上的不同之处不好、不精彩或没有价值，或者他们希望你像别人一样。

In any nonmonogamous partnership, it’s common have a situation where someone is off with one partner while another person is home alone. In a mono/poly relationship, it’s likely to happen even more often. But some folks just can’t handle that—they need to be with their partner every night, or know that they are always available. If you know that is true for you, then you might not be able to manage a mono/poly relationship without abandoning yourself. If it’s something you want to be okay with, you will benefit from developing a rich life separate from your partner. Hobbies, social activities and other interests can be really helpful. (Of course, this is true for monogamous relationships too!)

在任何非单偶制伙伴关系中，一个人和一个伴侣出去了，而另一个人独自在家的情况很常见。在单偶/多边关系中，这种情况可能会发生得更频繁。但有些人就是无法应付这种情况——他们需要每晚都和伴侣在一起，或者知道他们总是可用的。如果你知道这对你来说是真的，那么你可能无法在不抛弃自己的情况下管理好单偶/多边关系。如果这是你想接受的事情，你将受益于发展独立于伴侣的丰富生活。爱好、社交活动和其他兴趣真的很有帮助。（当然，这对单偶制关系也是如此！）

You need to have people—preferably outside the relationship—with whom you can talk and process your emotions. But finding such support can be difficult. Ideally such a confidant(e) won’t just point to nonmonogamy and say “See, here’s the problem!” Yet if your relationship background is entirely monogamous, you might not have friends to confide in who are friendly to or versed in nonmonogamy. We strongly recommend finding a nonmonogamy discussion group in your area, if you can—try an online search for nonmonogamy in your area. Many discussion groups will have some members who are in mono/poly relationships, and having other such people to turn to can be an invaluable source of support.

你需要有人——最好是在关系之外——可以与之交谈并处理你的情绪。但找到这样的支持可能很困难。理想情况下，这样的知己不会只是指着非单偶制说“看，这就是问题所在！”然而，如果你的关系背景完全是单偶制的，你可能没有对非单偶制友好或精通的朋友可以倾诉。我们强烈建议你在你所在地区找一个非单偶制讨论小组，如果可以的话——在网上搜索你所在地区的非单偶制。许多讨论小组会有一些处于单偶/多边关系中的成员，拥有其他这样的人可以求助是无价的支持来源。

If you’re the nonmonogamous partner

如果你是非单偶制伴侣

As a nonmonogamous person with a monogamous partner, you’re asking a partner to believe, in the face of overwhelming social messages to the contrary, that you’re not looking to replace them; that the reason you’re open to other partners is not because there’s something wrong with them; that you’re not asking for permission to cheat; and that you don’t have one foot out the door. You’re asking them to accept that having other lovers isn’t just a way for you to move from one relationship to the next. Make sure that’s true. Make sure you are worthy of that trust.

作为一个拥有单偶制伴侣的非单偶制者，你是在要求伴侣在面对压倒性的相反社会信息时相信：你不是在寻找替代者；你对其他伴侣持开放态度的原因不是因为他们有问题；你不是在请求出轨的许可；你没有一只脚在门外。你是在要求他们接受，拥有其他爱人不仅仅是你从一段关系转移到下一段关系的方式。确信那是真的。确信你配得上那种信任。

You can’t turn a lifetime of expectations around on a dime. Give your partner space and time. They may also need to spend some time mourning the loss of the kind of relationship they expected. Allow them room to experience their emotions and to get through to the other side. Be compassionate.

你不能一下子扭转一生的期望。给你的伴侣空间和时间。他们也可能需要花一些时间来哀悼他们所期望的那种关系的丧失。给他们空间去体验他们的情绪并度过难关。要富有同情心。

Being nonmonogamous is not a licence to do whatever you want. There will be times when your partner struggles and needs your support. Be there. Be supportive. Be willing to hold their hand when things are tough. Be willing to go the extra mile to talk about what you value in them, why you love your relationship with them, and why you want to be with them.

成为非单偶制者并不是为所欲为的许可证。会有你的伴侣挣扎并需要你支持的时候。在场。支持。在困难时期愿意握住他们的手。愿意付出额外的努力去谈论你珍视他们什么，为什么你爱你们的关系，以及为什么你想和他们在一起。

Time management is important in any nonmonogamous relationship, but especially in a mono/poly relationship. Your partner may not be accustomed to spending time alone. Be transparent about your plans and intentions. Communicate openly about your schedule. Work with your partner to apportion time in a way that works for both of you.

时间管理在任何非单偶制关系中都很重要，但在单偶/多边关系中尤其重要。你的伴侣可能不习惯独处。对你的计划和意图保持透明。公开沟通你的日程安排。与你的伴侣一起以对你们双方都有效的方式分配时间。

Your partner may never want to explore other relationships, and that’s okay. Avoid starting from the idea that it’s fair for you to be nonmonogamous if your partner is “allowed” to have multiple relationships just like you. If your partner doesn’t want them, the opportunity to have them isn’t a benefit. Don’t assume that your partner will suddenly become nonmonogamous as soon as they discover how wonderful it is.

你的伴侣可能永远不想探索其他关系，这没关系。避免从这样的想法开始：如果你的伴侣被“允许”像你一样拥有多段关系，那么你是非单偶制就是公平的。如果你的伴侣不想要，拥有的机会就不是好处。不要假设你的伴侣一旦发现它有多美妙就会突然变成非单偶制。

Finding your bottom line

找到你的底线

Mono/poly relationships require flexibility, negotiation and willingness to compromise. They also require a good understanding of your personal boundaries, and the things you can’t compromise on. When people have radically different ideas about what their ideal relationship should look like, they will be especially tempted to make compromises that, over time, bargain away more than they intended. When negotiating a mono/poly relationship, ask yourself, “What are the essential things I must have? At what point will my needs no longer be met? What are my values? What must I have in order to act with integrity?” Don’t compromise on those answers. If you negotiate away your integrity, ethics or agency, you are no longer a full and equal participant in the relationship.

单偶/多边关系需要灵活性、协商和妥协的意愿。它们还需要你对个人界限以及你不能妥协的事情有很好的理解。当人们对理想关系应该是什么样子的看法截然不同时，他们尤其容易做出妥协，随着时间的推移，这些妥协会出卖比他们预期更多的东西。在协商单偶/多边关系时，问问自己，“我必须拥有的基本东西是什么？在什么点上我的需求将不再得到满足？我的价值观是什么？为了正直行事，我必须拥有什么？”不要在这些答案上妥协。如果你通过谈判放弃了你的正直、伦理或代理权，你就不再是这段关系的充分和平等参与者。

You must also be aware of your partner’s boundaries, and not ask (or expect) them to compromise past those points. Talk about what they need to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship, and where those needs overlap with yours. Be careful, too, not to compromise on behalf of other people who aren’t even present yet. Sometimes when you’re trying to find a way out of an impasse, you may be tempted to make compromises that affect others—especially when those others are still hypothetical. It can be tempting to try to ease stress by bargaining away their agency in advance, such as by agreeing to rules that will apply to future partners (see chapter 10). When you do this, you are using the agency of other people as bargaining chips.

你也必须意识到你伴侣的界限，不要要求（或期望）他们在那些点之外妥协。谈谈他们需要什么才能拥有一段健康、充实的关系，以及这些需求在哪里与你的重叠。也要小心，不要代表甚至还不在场的人妥协。有时，当你试图找到打破僵局的方法时，你可能会受到诱惑做出影响他人的妥协——特别是当那些人还是假设性的时候。试图通过提前出卖他们的代理权来缓解压力是很诱人的，例如同意适用于未来伴侣的规则（见第 10 章）。当你这样做时，你是在利用他人的代理权作为谈判筹码。

Instead, focus on practical things your partner does have control over. If you need more time with them, say “I need more time with you,” not “I don’t want you spending so much time with other people.” Be concrete about the things that are bothering you—schedules, chores, responsibilities, time with the kids, fun time together—and negotiate for those things specifically.

相反，专注于你伴侣确实能控制的实际事情。如果你需要更多时间与他们在一起，说“我需要更多时间与你在一起”，而不是“我不想你花那么多时间和别人在一起”。对困扰你的事情要具体——日程安排、家务、责任、陪孩子的时间、一起娱乐的时间——并专门针对这些事情进行协商。

Your relationship is a choice

你的关系是一种选择

The relationship escalator narrative doesn’t dwell much on the notion of choice; it can seem that once you fall in love, you’re on that ride whether you want to be or not. It can be surprisingly easy to lose track of the fact that you do, in reality, have choices, even if they’re difficult.

关系自动扶梯的叙事并不多谈选择的概念；看起来一旦你坠入爱河，无论你是否愿意，你都在那趟旅程上了。令人惊讶的是，人们很容易忘记实际上你有选择的事实，即使它们很难。

In a mono/poly relationship, it is especially important that the people involved feel they are agreeing to the relationship on purpose, because they each see value in the other that makes the relationship a positive choice for both of them. In contrast, when one or both partners believe that they must keep the relationship at all costs, it becomes difficult to give meaningful consent.

在单偶/多边关系中，尤为重要的是相关人员感到他们是有意同意这段关系的，因为他们每个人都看到了对方的价值，这使得这段关系对他们双方来说都是一个积极的选择。相反，当一方或双方伴侣认为他们必须不惜一切代价维持这段关系时，就很难给予有意义的同意。

Remember that no matter how much you love each other, you are not obligated to be in a relationship with each other. You have a choice. If it doesn’t work, if one of you is hurting too much, it’s okay to let it go. The fairy tale is wrong: True love doesn’t necessarily conquer all—except perhaps in the sense that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone go to pursue the life they want.

请记住，无论你们多么相爱，你们都没有义务一定要在一起。你有选择。如果行不通，如果你们中的一个人太痛苦，放手是可以的。童话故事是错的：真爱不一定战胜一切——除了可能在某种意义上，有时你能做的最爱的事就是让某人去追求他们想要的生活。

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF 问自己的问题

Mono/poly relationships offer some unique challenges and require careful negotiation if they are to succeed. Before embarking on a mono/poly relationship, here are a few things to consider.

单偶/多边关系带来了一些独特的挑战，如果要成功，需要仔细协商。在开始单偶/多边关系之前，这里有一些事情需要考虑。

If you are the monogamous partner:

Why do I identify as monogamous? Is it because I only want one partner for myself, or because I want my partner to be only with me, or both?
Do I enjoy time to myself or without my partner? Do I have hobbies I enjoy alone or with others, and a social life that does not rely on my partner? Can I develop these if I don’t have them already?
Am I prepared to face uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, insecurity and fear about my partner’s loyalty, and to put in the work required to overcome them?

如果你是单偶制伴侣：

我为什么认同为单偶制？是因为我自己只想要一个伴侣，还是因为我希望我的伴侣只和我在一起，或者两者兼有？
我喜欢独处或没有伴侣陪伴的时间吗？我有独自或与他人一起享受的爱好，以及不依赖伴侣的社交生活吗？如果还没有，我可以发展这些吗？
我是否准备好面对嫉妒、不安全感和对伴侣忠诚度的恐惧等不舒服的感觉，并投入所需的努力来克服它们？

If you are the nonmonogamous partner:

Am I prepared to give my monogamous partner time and space to process their feelings about nonmonogamy?
Am I prepared to make concessions in my relationship to help the monogamous person work through their feelings?
What limits do I have on the concessions I will make, either in terms of what I will agree to or the time span of the agreement?

如果你是非单偶制伴侣：

我是否准备好给我的单偶制伴侣时间和空间来处理他们对非单偶制的感受？
我是否准备好在我的关系中做出让步，以帮助单偶制者解决他们的感受？
我对自己将做出的让步有什么限制，无论是在我将同意的内容还是在协议的时间跨度方面？

For both partners:

Do I fully understand my partner’s choice to be monogamous or nonmonogamous, and am I able to accept my partner for who they are?
Can I build a relationship that respects both my partner’s agency and my own, as well as the agency of others who are (or will be) involved?
Does this feel like a choice I am freely making, or do I feel resentful, angry or under duress?

对于双方伴侣：

我是否完全理解我的伴侣选择单偶制或非单偶制的原因，并且我能否接受我的伴侣本来的样子？
我能否建立一种既尊重我伴侣的代理权又尊重我自己的代理权，以及尊重其他已经（或将会）卷入其中的人的代理权的关系？
这感觉像是我自由做出的选择吗，还是我感到怨恨、愤怒或受到胁迫？

in a healthy environment Danya Ruttenberg, On Repentance, 24. ↩ ↩²
post-nonmonogamous See Andrea Zanin, Post-Nonmonogamy and Beyond: A More Than Two Essentials Guide (Victoria, BC: Thornapple Press, 2024). ↩ ↩²
temporary vessel Fern and Cooley, Polywise, 42–48. ↩ ↩²