18 寻找伴侣 Finding Partners

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I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me.

EARTHA KITT¹

我爱上了我自己，我想找个人来和我分享这份爱。

艾萨·凯特 (Eartha Kitt)¹

“How do I find partners?” is one of the top questions people ask when they’re new to nonmonogamy. And there are certainly unique concerns: finding nonmonogamous partners, choosing partners who are compatible with you and your nonmonogamy style, and disclosing your nonmonogamous relationships are all things to think about. We’ll get into those concerns in depth in a minute, but we’ll start with some basic principles.

“我如何找到伴侣？”是人们刚接触非单偶制时最常问的问题之一。这当然有一些独特的担忧：寻找非单偶制伴侣，选择与你及你的非单偶制风格兼容的伴侣，以及披露你的非单偶制关系，这些都是需要考虑的事情。我们马上会深入探讨这些担忧，但我们将从一些基本原则开始。

First, try not to make every social encounter about your search for a partner. There are tropes about the new-to-nonmonogamy couple cruising local events imagining they’ll just show up and run into their ideal third, or that one single dude who hits on every person he meets at the book club. It can get so distracting that a lot of groups have rules specifically prohibiting using them to look for dates. The more you do this, the more desperate (and clueless) you appear, and the more people will avoid you—except the kind who find desperate-seeming people attractive, and these are often not the kind with whom you’ll be able to form a healthy relationship.

首先，尽量不要把你每一次的社交遭遇都变成寻找伴侣的过程。关于刚接触非单偶制的夫妇有一些陈词滥调：他们在当地活动中巡游，想象着只要出现就能遇到理想的第三者；或者那个在读书俱乐部搭讪每一个人的单身汉。这可能会让人非常分心，以至于许多团体都有专门禁止利用它们寻找约会对象的规则。你越是这样做，你就显得越绝望（和无知），别人就越会避开你——除了那些觉得看似绝望的人有吸引力的人，而这些人往往不是你能与之建立健康关系的那种人。

Next, be out—if you can. For dating purposes, in the broad sense, it’s a lot easier to meet fellow nonmonogamous people if you’re at least somewhat out about being nonmonogamous. While there are, of course, situations where coming out might be too risky, treating nonmonogamy like it’s a shameful secret can be off-putting to other nonmonogamous people and can send the wrong message to potential dates who might not yet have figured out how they feel about nonmonogamy. Also, the more out you are, the more likely potential partners may already know you’re nonmonogamous, which makes the initial conversations much simpler.

其次，如果可以的话，出柜。从广义的约会目的来看，如果你至少在某种程度上公开自己是非单偶制者，遇到同样是非单偶制的人会容易得多。当然，有些情况下出柜可能风险太大，但把非单偶制当作一个可耻的秘密可能会让其他非单偶制者反感，并可能向那些尚未弄清楚自己对非单偶制感觉的潜在约会对象发出错误的信息。此外，你越公开，潜在伴侣就越有可能已经知道你是非单偶制者，这使得最初的对话简单得多。

Third, network with other nonmonogamous folks. If you’re already involved in a queer or BDSM/kink/Leather community, you may already be surrounded by nonmonogamy. If you’re not, you may want to try going to nonmonogamy-related groups or events. And on a related note: Don’t be afraid to expand your social horizons. If you don’t know any nonmonogamous folks in your social group, look for or build new social groups. Hang out with other nonmonogamous people even if you don’t want to date them. Make friends. Get to know people as people before sizing them up as dating material.

第三，与其他非单偶制者建立网络。如果你已经参与了酷儿或 BDSM/性癖/皮革族社区，你可能已经被非单偶制包围了。如果你没有，你可能想尝试参加非单偶制相关的团体或活动。相关的一点是：不要害怕拓展你的社交视野。如果在你的社交圈里不认识任何非单偶制者，那就寻找或建立新的社交圈。即使你不想和他们约会，也要和其他非单偶制者一起玩。交朋友。在把人作为约会对象来衡量之前，先作为人来了解他们。

Should you date only nonmonogamous people?

你应该只和非单偶制者约会吗？

You can avoid a lot of problems from the outset if you choose only partners who are already nonmonogamous. Choosing partners who are already nonmonogamous means they already know it’s what they want, have probably at least done some reading about it, and may already have developed some skills navigating it. Some dating apps are better than others for finding nonmonogamous folks, but the recommended ones shift as years go by and vary from place to place, so rather than list them, we’ll simply recommend that you go looking to see what the current go-to apps are in your area and what kind of crowd each one attracts. Sometimes you can just sign up and see what’s out there. If the app is favoured by queer folks, offers nonmonogamy as a filter or allows linking of profiles, or if you see people specifically mentioning nonmonogamy in their profiles, then you’ve probably found a good one.

如果你只选择已经是非单偶制的伴侣，你可以从一开始就避免很多问题。选择已经是非单偶制的伴侣意味着他们已经知道这是他们想要的，可能至少读过一些相关资料，并且可能已经发展出了一些驾驭它的技能。一些约会软件比其他软件更适合寻找非单偶制者，但推荐的软件随着年份的推移而变化，且因地而异，所以与其列出它们，我们不如简单地建议你去看看你所在地区目前流行的软件是什么，以及每个软件吸引什么样的人群。有时你可以直接注册看看有什么。如果该软件受到酷儿群体的青睐，提供非单偶制作为筛选条件或允许关联个人资料，或者如果你看到人们在个人资料中特别提到非单偶制，那么你可能找到了一个好的软件。

On the other hand, making this choice really does narrow the dating pool. The situation isn’t as dire as it was even ten or twenty years ago, but even so, if you’re part of a local nonmonogamy-focused community and consider that to be your dating pool, it can begin to feel real small, real quick. This is another reason why so many nonmonogamous people engage in long-distance partnerships and meet people at larger gatherings such as conferences and retreats.

另一方面，做出这种选择确实会缩小约会池。情况虽然不像十年前或二十年前那样糟糕，但即便如此，如果你是当地非单偶制社区的一员并将那视为你的约会池，它可能很快就会让你感觉真的很小。这也是为什么这么多非单偶制者进行异地伴侣关系，并在会议和静修会等大型聚会上结识人的另一个原因。

If you opt to start a relationship with someone who’s new to nonmonogamy but open to it (as opposed to someone who’s committed to being monogamous but open to dating you, which is what chapter 17 was about), be prepared for a lot of discussion and negotiation. It can be helpful to check out websites, read books, listen to podcasts and engage with other resources about nonmonogamy together. Talk about what nonmonogamy means to each of you, and how your visions of it mesh. Trying to “convert” a person to nonmonogamy is a bit of a mixed bag. Some people take to nonmonogamy naturally as soon as they discover it. Others find that, no matter how hard they try, they can never become happy with it. Starting a relationship with a person who’s unsure but willing to try may mean painful renegotiations later, and possibly a choice between the end of the relationship or the curtailment of your life as a nonmonogamous person.

如果你选择与一个刚接触非单偶制但持开放态度的人开始一段关系（这与第 17 章讨论的致力于单偶制但愿意与你约会的人不同），请做好进行大量讨论和协商的准备。一起查看网站、读书、听播客和接触其他关于非单偶制的资源会有所帮助。谈谈非单偶制对你们每个人意味着什么，以及你们的愿景如何契合。试图让一个人“皈依”非单偶制结果好坏参半。有些人一旦发现非单偶制就会自然而然地接受它。另一些人发现，无论他们多么努力，他们永远无法对此感到快乐。与一个不确定但愿意尝试的人开始一段关系可能意味着以后的痛苦重新谈判，并可能面临在结束关系或缩减你作为非单偶制者的生活之间做出选择。

Telling a prospective partner about nonmonogamy

告诉潜在伴侣关于非单偶制的事

So you’re on a hot date, maybe with someone you met online or at a party—outside of a nonmonogamous context. Things are looking good, you’re feeling chemistry … so when do you bring up nonmonogamy?

所以你在进行一次火热的约会，也许是和你在网上或聚会上认识的人——在非单偶制背景之外。情况看起来不错，你感觉到了化学反应……那么你什么时候提出非单偶制呢？

That’s a trick question! Because if you’re already on a first date with them, since you’ve got a policy of complete honesty, you’ve already told them. Maybe you put it in your online dating profile, or maybe you brought it up as soon as they asked you out. Either way, they were fully informed before you made dinner reservations. Right?

这是个陷阱问题！因为如果你已经在和他们进行第一次约会，既然你有完全诚实的原则，你就已经告诉他们了。也许你把它写在了你的在线约会资料里，或者也许他们在约你出去时你就提出来了。无论哪种方式，在你预订晚餐之前，他们都已经完全知情了。对吧？

A few people will hold out: “Not until you’re sure you want a relationship.” But if you avoid bringing up the subject early for fear of scaring off a prospective partner, you’re not giving them the full set of basic information they need to know to decide if they want to date you. And in any case, if someone isn’t okay with nonmonogamy, it’s best to know right away so you don’t waste each other’s time. Putting off the conversation will make an incompatible partner feel like you pulled a bait and switch, especially if you already have any other partners; you deprived them of the chance to give informed consent to being on a date with you at all. Hiding or talking obliquely about your partner, your spouse or your relationship-anarchy approach to dating is really not going to impress your date—at least not in a good way. You may occasionally get lucky and find someone who’ll be unfazed—but it’s a roll of the dice, and rolling a natural twenty doesn’t mean you weren’t still taking a big risk with someone else’s consent.

少数人会坚持：“直到你确定想要建立关系再说。”但是，如果你因为害怕吓跑潜在伴侣而避免尽早提出这个话题，你就没有给他们决定是否想和你约会所需的全套基本信息。无论如何，如果有人不接受非单偶制，最好马上知道，这样你们就不会浪费彼此的时间。推迟谈话会让不兼容的伴侣觉得你是在诱导欺骗，特别是如果你已经有其他伴侣；你剥夺了他们在知情的情况下同意和你约会的机会。隐瞒或拐弯抹角地谈论你的伴侣、你的配偶或你的关系安那其约会方式真的不会给你的约会对象留下好印象——至少不是好的印象。你偶尔可能会幸运地找到一个不为所动的人——但这就像掷骰子，即使掷出了自然 20 点（译注：指桌面角色扮演游戏中掷出最好的结果），也不意味着你没有拿别人的同意冒巨大的风险。

Treating nonmonogamy like bad news that needs to be broken gently also isn’t a great approach. People take their cues about how to respond to something from the way you present it. If you treat nonmonogamy as if it were an unfortunate medical condition or a guilty secret, that’s how they’ll see it. If you treat it as a straightforward truth about yourself and how you approach relationships, you can start on an honest footing with them.

把非单偶制当作需要委婉透露的坏消息也不是一个好方法。人们会从你呈现事物的方式中获取如何回应的线索。如果你把非单偶制当作一种不幸的疾病或一个有罪的秘密来对待，他们就会那样看待它。如果你把它当作关于你自己以及你如何处理关系的直率事实来对待，你就可以在诚实的基础上与他们开始。

Start simply. “I’m nonmonogamous.” Explain, in brief, what that means to you and what your current situation looks like. Ask questions, such as “Are you open to nonmonogamy?” or, if you know your prospective partner is nonmonogamous, “What kind of nonmonogamy do you practise? What does that look like for you?” Approaching a potential new partner with integrity means being transparent about your relationship expectations.

简单开始。“我是非单偶制者。”简要解释这对你意味着什么，以及你目前的情况是怎样的。问一些问题，比如“你对非单偶制持开放态度吗？”或者，如果你知道你的潜在伴侣是非单偶制者，“你实行什么样的非单偶制？那对你来说是什么样子的？”以正直的态度接近潜在的新伴侣意味着对你的关系期望保持透明。

The importance of partner selection

伴侣选择的重要性

The notion that people don’t choose their relationships is surprisingly widespread. Compatibility, shared vision, mutually negotiated relationships—none of these things matter in the face of true love, says the fairy tale. When you fall in love, you are obligated to start a relationship. And once you’re in it, the love is the fuel that makes it go. As long as you’re in love, you will be happy.

人们不选择自己关系的观念出奇地普遍。童话故事说，在真爱面前，兼容性、共同愿景、相互协商的关系——所有这些都不重要。当你坠入爱河时，你有义务开始一段关系。一旦你身在其中，爱就是让它运转的燃料。只要你相爱，你就会幸福。

If you accept the idea that people do not choose their partners, you may find yourself in relationships by default, not design. You may end up with partners who are a poor match, because you may not think to ask questions that might tell you how well matched you are.

如果你接受人们不选择伴侣的观念，你可能会发现自己是默认进入关系，而不是通过设计。你最终可能会遇到不匹配的伴侣，因为你可能想不到去问那些能告诉你你们匹配程度的问题。

You do have choices about your intimate life. Andrea often refers to something they call the “50-40-10” rule: 50 percent of the key to successful nonmonogamy is working on yourself, 40 percent is picking the right partners, and 10 percent is the technical stuff (communication skills, time management and so on). You can skip right over vast quantities of relationship problems by exercising good partner selection skills at the outset. While you may not always have control over your feelings, you do have control over what you do about them—and that includes choosing whom you will enter a relationship with. Love, of and by itself, is not enough to guarantee a good relationship.

你对你的亲密生活有选择权。安德莉亚经常提到她们所谓的“50-40-10”规则：成功非单偶制的 50% 关键在于自我修养，40% 是选择合适的伴侣，10% 是技术性的东西（沟通技巧、时间管理等）。通过在一开始就运用良好的伴侣选择技巧，你可以直接跳过大量的关系问题。虽然你可能并不总是能控制自己的感受，但你确实能控制你对它们所做的事情——这包括选择与谁建立关系。爱，本身并不足以保证一段良好的关系。

One part of the skill of partner selection is knowing your deal-breakers—what would make someone a poor choice as a partner for you. Sexual incompatibility is one common deal-breaker; different takes on using drugs or alcohol is another. So is a history of violence against past partners. You may not want to partner with someone who votes in a direction you find abhorrent, buys into conspiracy theories, or holds radically different spiritual or religious beliefs than you. None of these are deal-breakers for everyone, of course (though we suggest a history of violence should be unless the person has done extensive work on those behaviours, with real evidence of change); it depends on what matters to you. But a misalignment of important values predicts problems. You may want to avoid dating people who have developed a troubling reputation in the communities they’re part of, though rumours can be misleading gossip or they can be effective warning systems, so listen to what’s out there and then use your discernment. If you are a woman who dates cisgender men, however, we do recommend giving strong weight to any warnings of abusive behaviours from a man’s past partners, as these reports are very likely to be true, and abusive men² are very good at convincing new partners that their past partners are crazy, lying bitches.

伴侣选择技能的一部分是了解你的破坏交易因素 (deal-breakers)——什么会让某人成为你的糟糕伴侣选择。性不兼容是一个常见的破坏交易因素；对使用毒品或酒精的不同看法是另一个。对过去伴侣的暴力历史也是。你可能不想和一个投票方向令你厌恶、相信阴谋论或持有与你截然不同的精神或宗教信仰的人成为伴侣。当然，这些都不是对每个人来说的破坏交易因素（尽管我们建议暴力历史应该是，除非那个人已经对这些行为做了大量工作，并且有改变的真实证据）；这取决于什么对你重要。但重要价值观的不一致预示着问题。你可能想避免与在他们所属社区中名声不好的人约会，尽管谣言可能是误导性的流言蜚语，也可能是有效的预警系统，所以听听外面的说法，然后运用你的辨别力。然而，如果你是一个与顺性别男性约会的女性，我们确实建议你非常重视来自男性过去伴侣关于虐待行为的任何警告，因为这些报告很可能是真实的，而虐待男性的男人² 非常善于让新伴侣相信他们的过去伴侣是疯狂的、撒谎的泼妇。

Many other signals that someone may not be a good match for you are more subtle. For example, if you work best at night, partnering with a morning person might be just fine—but it might not be, if the morning person thinks you’re an irresponsible party animal because of your preferred hours, or if you think they’re kinda dull for going to bed early, or if you’d both simply feel ditched when your person can’t join you for your preferred activities (sunrise yoga or 3 a.m. stargazing!). If it’s too early to have a deep discussion about values, you can look for small tells about their values and personality: Do they treat customer service workers with respect? Do they take good care of their pets or plants? How do they react when small bad things happen, like if they step in something gross with their new shoes, the show is starting half an hour late, or you miscommunicated about what street corner to meet on? If they make an error, are they able to apologize?

许多其他表明某人可能不适合你的信号则更为微妙。例如，如果你在晚上工作效率最高，与一个早起的人搭档可能没问题——但也可能不行，如果早起的人因为你喜欢的时间而认为你是一个不负责任的派对动物，或者如果你认为他们早睡有点无聊，或者如果你们都因为对方不能参加你喜欢的活动（日出瑜伽或凌晨 3 点的观星！）而感到被抛弃。如果现在进行深入的价值观讨论还为时过早，你可以寻找关于他们价值观和个性的微小迹象：他们是否尊重客户服务人员？他们是否照顾好自己的宠物或植物？当发生小的坏事时，比如他们的新鞋踩到了恶心的东西，演出晚半小时开始，或者你们在哪个街角见面沟通错误时，他们会有什么反应？如果他们犯了错误，他们能道歉吗？

One factor that can be very revealing is how a prospective partner talks about ex-partners. In an ideal world, everyone would be able to stay good friends with their exes. Sometimes, things are just too tender for that, or the relationship may have been toxic. Don’t judge someone by these criteria alone, but do listen to how they speak about former intimates. Is every ex automatically a monster to them as soon as the relationship is over, or are they able to show some nuance? Are they a victim in every relationship they have been in? Do they express contempt for past partners? Are they able to show awareness of and remorse for their part in any past toxicity? And especially: Do they use past relationships as an excuse to mistreat you?³

一个非常有启发性的因素是潜在伴侣如何谈论前伴侣。在理想的世界里，每个人都能和前任保持好朋友关系。有时，事情太敏感了，或者关系可能有毒。不要仅凭这些标准来评判一个人，但一定要听听他们是如何谈论前任亲密伴侣的。是不是只要关系一结束，每个前任对他们来说就自动变成了怪物，还是他们能表现出一些细微差别？他们在每一段关系中都是受害者吗？他们是否对过去伴侣表示蔑视？他们能否表现出对自己在过去任何毒性中所扮演角色的认识和悔恨？特别是：他们是否利用过去的关系作为虐待你的借口？³

Look at a date’s current relationships, if any. Do they seem turbulent or generally smooth? Do you like the way this person treats their current partners? Does your date speak positively and respectfully about these people, and honour their agreements? If so (or not), they will likely do the same with you. Similarly, what are their friendships like? Consider quality over quantity, but do take note if a person appears to have no friends at all, or so many they can’t keep track. All these things add up to a picture of the person you’re considering getting involved with. Do you like what you see?

看看约会对象目前的关系（如果有的话）。它们看起来是动荡的还是大体顺利的？你喜欢这个人对待他们现任伴侣的方式吗？你的约会对象是否积极和尊重地谈论这些人，并遵守他们的协议？如果是（或不是），他们很可能会对你做同样的事情。同样，他们的友谊是什么样的？重质不重量，但要注意如果一个人似乎根本没有朋友，或者朋友多到无法追踪。所有这些加在一起就构成了你正在考虑交往的人的画像。你喜欢你所看到的吗？

When selecting a partner, you can end up in a strange state of limbo: a person doesn’t display any particular red flags or deal-breakers, but you don’t feel really enthusiastic about them, either. If you make choices based on whether or not someone hits any of your deal-breakers, you might plow ahead with a relationship without considering whether or not that person has the qualities you want in a partner.

在选择伴侣时，你可能会陷入一种奇怪的中间状态：一个人没有表现出任何特别的危险信号或破坏交易的因素，但你对他们也并没有真正的热情。如果你根据某人是否触及你的任何破坏交易因素来做选择，你可能会在不考虑那个人是否拥有你想要的伴侣品质的情况下推进一段关系。

One policy for partner selection is “‘fuck yes.” This policy, first articulated by writer Mark Manson,⁴ is based on the idea that it makes no sense to invest time and romantic energy with someone you’re not that excited to be with, or who isn’t excited to be with you. If the idea of dating someone doesn’t prompt an enthusiastic “fuck yes!” for you, then the answer is no. This kind of policy works well if you tend to keep dating people you think you really should be attracted to, even if the chemistry is just blah. The requirement of a “fuck yes” can jolt you out of settling for someone who looks good on paper but just isn’t a great match in real life.

伴侣选择的一项原则是“就要这个 (fuck yes)”。这项原则最早由作家马克·曼森 (Mark Manson)⁴ 阐述，其基于的想法是，与一个你并不那么兴奋想在一起，或者对和你在一起并不兴奋的人投入时间和浪漫精力是没有意义的。如果约会某人的想法没有让你产生热情的“就要这个！”，那么答案就是不。这种原则很有效，特别是如果你倾向于继续约会那些你认为你应该被吸引的人，即使化学反应平平。要求“就要这个”可以让你不再将就那些纸面上看起来不错但在现实生活中并不匹配的人。

That being said, sometimes love grows slowly. For some people, such as demisexuals, attraction only really arises when they’re already in a solid friendship with someone. For others, attraction may sneak up on them unawares, until they one day realize they’ve gradually been falling in love with a friend or acquaintance. This can be especially surprising if you’re not accustomed to the “slow burn” approach!

话虽如此，有时爱是慢慢滋长的。对于一些人，如半性恋者，吸引力只有在与某人建立稳固的友谊后才会真正产生。对于另一些人，吸引力可能会在不知不觉中悄然而至，直到有一天他们意识到自己逐渐爱上了一个朋友或熟人。如果你不习惯“慢热”的方式，这可能会特别令人惊讶！

It’s also worth trying to stay open to possibilities you might not have seen coming. Don’t go against your intuition or your values, of course. But if you require your potential partners to meet a rigid set of superficial criteria, you may end up missing out. And if you require your relationships to take a specific shape, finding someone who will fit that exact shape is especially difficult, as described in chapter 16. Looking instead for good people, not for good role-fillers, leaves you open to connection even if it takes a form you didn’t expect.

这也值得尝试对你可能没有预见到的可能性保持开放。当然，不要违背你的直觉或价值观。但是，如果你要求你的潜在伴侣满足一套僵化的表面标准，你可能会错失良机。如果你要求你的关系采取特定的形式，找到完全符合该形式的人尤其困难，正如第 16 章所述。相反，寻找好人，而不是好的角色填充者，会让你对连接保持开放，即使它采取了你没预料到的形式。

Kittycat lessons

小猫咪的教训 (Kittycat lessons)

A kittycat lesson is what we call a situation where people generalize poorly from their experiences or learn a lesson that works against them. Anyone who has lived with cats knows that they can be highly intelligent, but very much do not see the world the way people do. This means that when they learn, they often don’t learn the specific lessons their people want them to. For example, Eve once had a cat who started trying to wake her people up at 5 a.m., which in the cat’s opinion was breakfast time. The humans responded to this by putting the cat out of the bedroom as soon as this started to happen each morning. Instead of learning, “I should stop trying to wake my people up because it gets me kicked out of the room,” the cat learned, “I need to make as much noise as possible when they put me out of the room, because that at least gets them out of bed. No food for me, no sleep for them!” This did not, however, serve the cat’s ultimate goal of acquiring breakfast at 5 a.m.

“小猫咪的教训”是我们用来称呼这样一种情况：人们从经历中进行了糟糕的概括，或者学到了对他们不利的教训。任何和猫一起生活过的人都知道，它们可能非常聪明，但看世界的方式与人类截然不同。这意味着当它们学习时，往往学不到它们的主人希望它们学到的具体教训。例如，伊芙曾经有一只猫开始试图在早上 5 点叫醒她的主人，在猫看来那是早餐时间。人类对此的反应是每天早上通过把猫赶出卧室。猫没有学到“我应该停止试图叫醒我的主人，因为这会让我被赶出房间”，而是学到了“当他们把我赶出房间时，我需要制造尽可能大的噪音，因为那至少能让他们起床。我没吃的，他们也别睡！”然而，这并没有服务于猫在早上 5 点获得早餐的最终目标。

One kittycat lesson we have both seen many times involves strategies for finding new partners. People who feel threatened by nonmonogamy often try to manage risk by placing rigid limitations on new partners. Yet people with experience in nonmonogamy often avoid restrictive relationships. So the people who opt in to such relationships are more likely to have little experience in nonmonogamy and few skills. When problems happen and the relationships end, the people who placed the restrictions may decide they were not restrictive enough, and then try to limit new partners even more. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy: People with experience in nonmonogamy avoid such folks even more, which increases the likelihood they will only find partners with limited experience in nonmonogamy or poor boundaries, which increases the odds of trouble.

我们俩都见过很多次的一个小猫咪教训涉及寻找新伴侣的策略。感到非单偶制威胁的人经常试图通过对新伴侣施加严格限制来管理风险。然而，有非单偶制经验的人通常会避开限制性关系。因此，选择进入这种关系的人更有可能缺乏非单偶制经验和技能。当问题发生且关系结束时，施加限制的人可能会认为他们限制得还不够，然后试图更多地限制新伴侣。这就变成了一个自我实现的预言：有非单偶制经验的人会更加避开这类人，这增加了他们只找到非单偶制经验有限或界限不清的伴侣的可能性，从而增加了麻烦的几率。

There’s no easy solution to all this—after all, your takeaway follows logically from your experience, so it can be hard to catch yourself in kittycat-lesson mode. This is one reason it’s so valuable to have friends, communities and support systems that are nonmonogamy-friendly. The right person might be able to offer some insight or wisdom to help you notice if you’re heading down an erroneous path like this.

这一切没有简单的解决方案——毕竟，你的结论是从你的经历中逻辑推导出来的，所以很难发现自己处于小猫咪教训模式。这也是为什么拥有非单偶制友好的朋友、社区和支持系统如此有价值的原因之一。合适的人可能能够提供一些见解或智慧，帮助你注意到你是否正在沿着这样的错误道路走下去。

What are you offering?

你提供什么？

When it comes to seeking partners, people often think about what they want, but don’t put as much thought into what they’ve got to offer. This isn’t so much about writing up an appealing online profile or picking the most flattering profile pic—although those things can go along well with some of the deeper thinking. Mostly it’s about trying to mentally step outside your situation and look at it the way someone new might.

在寻找伴侣时，人们经常思考自己想要什么，但在自己能提供什么上却没花那么多心思。这与其说是关于写一份吸引人的在线个人资料或挑选最讨人喜欢的头像——尽管这些事情可以很好地配合一些更深层的思考。这主要是关于尝试在心理上走出你的处境，像新人一样看待它。

Put yourself in a potential partner’s shoes:

What would it be like for them to get involved with you?
What kind of partner are you? What values do you bring to your relationships?
What are you offering in terms of time, relationship skills and enrichment of their life?
How much space do you have in your life? Are you asking them to be squeezed into time slots between a dozen other commitments, or do you have availability to give them?
Are you inviting them into a messy, difficult situation, or a relatively stable and secure one?

设身处地为潜在伴侣着想：

对他们来说，与你交往会是什么样子的？
你是什么样的伴侣？你给你的关系带来了什么价值观？
你在时间、关系技能和丰富他们生活方面提供什么？
你生活中有多少空间？你是要求他们挤在其他一打承诺之间的时间段里，还是你有空闲时间给他们？
你是在邀请他们进入一个混乱、困难的局面，还是一个相对稳定和安全的局面？

You don’t have to have a perfect life and zero problems to be nonmonogamous. But it does help to make sure you’re actively solving or doing good maintenance on the problems that come as part of the current “you” package. Some examples include taking care of your health, both physical and mental; maintaining any established partnerships you’ve got; and having in place adequate support for your life, such as a therapist, a reliable time management system, predictable child-care arrangements, or whatever else helps you stay up to date on life’s obligations. It’s also handy to be able to tell someone what the next six months of your life are probably going to look like: you’re expecting a heavy work schedule on weekdays but should be fairly open on weekends, you’re just starting a new school program and so will have exam periods and papers to write, you’ve got plans for travel or major surgery, and so on. Nobody can predict the future with perfect accuracy, but you can usually offer some general ideas, which can help someone decide whether they want to sign up to be part of that journey.

你不必拥有完美的生活和零问题才能成为非单偶制者。但确信你正在积极解决或良好维护作为当前“你”这个一揽子计划一部分的问题确实有帮助。一些例子包括照顾你的身心健康；维持你已有的任何既定伴侣关系；以及为你的生活提供足够的支持，例如治疗师、可靠的时间管理系统、可预测的托儿安排，或者任何其他帮助你跟上生活义务的东西。能够告诉某人你接下来六个月的生活可能是什么样子的也很方便：你预计工作日工作繁忙但周末应该相当空闲，你刚开始一个新的学校项目所以会有考试期和论文要写，你有旅行或大手术的计划，等等。没有人能完美地预测未来，但你通常可以提供一些大致的想法，这可以帮助某人决定他们是否想报名成为那段旅程的一部分。

What situation are you entering?

你正在进入什么情况？

Any time you start a relationship with a person who is already partnered, there will probably be responsibilities, expectations and commitments already in play. The same is true of unpartnered people—very few people lead lives that include blank spots just waiting to be filled by a partner. They tend to fill their time with friendships, hobbies, side hustles and other pursuits. Learn about them.

任何时候你与一个已经有伴侣的人开始一段关系，可能都已经有责任、期望和承诺在起作用了。对于没有伴侣的人也是如此——很少有人过着包含空白点只等伴侣来填补的生活。他们倾向于用友谊、爱好、副业和其他追求来填补时间。了解它们。

Talk directly to your partner about what effects their other relationships and commitments may have on you. What time constraints and energy commitments on their part will affect you? Is your partner out or closeted? Are they in a hierarchical relationship, and will you be considered a secondary partner? Are there veto arrangements? Do they have expectations about how you will relate to your metamours? What information will your new partner want to have about other relationships you might want to start in the future, and at what point do they want to hear about the presence of new people in your intimate life? If you’re already partnered as well, how do they feel about meeting your established partners?

直接与你的伴侣谈谈他们的其他关系和承诺可能会对你产生什么影响。他们在时间限制和精力承诺方面会对你产生什么影响？你的伴侣是出柜还是未出柜？他们是否处于等级制关系中，你会不会被视为次要伴侣？是否有否决权安排？他们对你将如何与情敌相处有期望吗？你的新伴侣希望了解关于你未来可能想要开始的其他关系的什么信息，以及他们希望在什么时候听到你亲密生活中有新人的存在？如果你也已经有伴侣，他们对见你现有的伴侣有什么感觉？

A cautionary note on couple-centrism

关于伴侣中心主义的警示

The nonmonogamous world is, unfortunately, filled with people who have been terribly hurt by well-meaning but inexperienced couples. When two people have only each other as partners, they often fall into a pattern of sharing everything, committing all time and resources to the relationship. So when one decides to open their heart and life to a new person, the other often feels that they are losing something—time, focus, energy—and often that’s true.

不幸的是，非单偶制世界充满了被善意但缺乏经验的夫妇严重伤害的人。当两个人只有彼此时，他们经常陷入分享一切、将所有时间和资源投入到这段关系中的模式。所以当其中一个人决定向新人敞开心扉和生活时，另一个人经常觉得他们失去了一些东西——时间、关注、精力——这通常是真的。

Imagine you have planted an oak tree in your garden and tended exclusively to that tree for many years. The tree grows big and strong, forming a beautiful canopy that expands over the entire garden, shading everything beneath it. You love that tree and the shade it gives and have spent many long summer days beneath it, looking up into its branches.

想象一下你在花园里种了一棵橡树，并且多年来只照料那棵树。树长得又大又壮，形成了美丽的树冠，扩展到整个花园，遮蔽了下面的一切。你爱那棵树和它提供的阴凉，并在树下度过了许多漫长的夏日，仰望着它的树枝。

Then one day you find a tiny plant. It intrigues you. You don’t know what it’s going to grow into, but you want to find out. You want to plant it in your garden … but you don’t have any sunny spots left. Your beloved oak tree is shading everything. You don’t want to harm your oak tree, so you just plant the new thing in a shady spot, thinking, Maybe it will be something, a nice fern perhaps, that likes the shade. Sometimes that’s what happens. The relationship that gets planted beneath the old relationship naturally thrives in the shade. But when that happens, it’s sheer luck.

然后有一天你发现了一株小植物。它引起了你的兴趣。你不知道它会长成什么样，但你想弄清楚。你想把它种在你的花园里……但你没有剩下任何向阳的地方了。你心爱的橡树遮蔽了一切。你不想伤害你的橡树，所以你只是把新东西种在一个阴凉的地方，心想，也许它会是某种喜欢阴凉的东西，比如一种漂亮的蕨类植物。有时这就是发生的事情。种在旧关系之下的关系自然地在阴凉处茁壮成长。但当这种情况发生时，纯属运气。

Most intimate relationships, and romantic ones in particular, do not naturally stay small and inconspicuous. Eventually, there will be a conflict: Either the new relationship will wither, or the older relationship must be trimmed a bit to allow sunlight for the new one to grow. Many couples go through this process, and many survive it with healthier relationships as a result. But it can be painful, particularly for the partner who feels like their relationship is being “pruned.” Uninterrogated mononormativity can allow the couple to shift the brunt of the conflict onto the new partner, who shoulders shame and blame as the interloper.

大多数亲密关系，特别是浪漫关系，不会自然地保持微小和不引人注目。最终，会有冲突：要么新关系枯萎，要么旧关系必须修剪一点，让阳光照耀新关系生长。许多夫妇经历了这一过程，许多夫妇因此存活下来并拥有了更健康的关系。但这可能是痛苦的，特别是对于感觉自己的关系被“修剪”的伴侣来说。未经审视的单偶常态可能允许夫妇将冲突的冲击转移到新伴侣身上，后者作为闯入者承担羞耻和指责。

Many closely coupled people are indeed available for deep intimacy with others, maintain autonomy over their relationship decisions, and gracefully make room in their lives to honour both their existing commitments and new ones. How do you identify such people? If you’re the newcomer, take some time to get to know the couple and observe whether they have strong, independent identities apart from each other or appear completely enmeshed. Do they have individual hobbies, friendships or other pursuits? Are all their online photos of them as a couple, or do they appear also as separate entities? Are they attached at the hip at social events, or do they give each other space to mingle and then circle back and reconnect?

许多关系紧密的伴侣确实可以与他人建立深层亲密关系，保持对其关系决定的自主权，并优雅地在生活中腾出空间来尊重他们现有的承诺和新的承诺。你如何识别这样的人？如果你是新来者，花点时间了解这对夫妇，观察他们除了彼此之外是否有强大的、独立的身份，还是看起来完全纠缠在一起。他们有个人爱好、友谊或其他追求吗？他们所有的在线照片都是合影，还是也有作为独立实体的照片？在社交活动中他们是形影不离，还是给彼此空间去交际然后回头重新连接？

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF 问自己的问题

When you’re interested in a new person, considering these questions alongside the others in this chapter may help you decide whether they are a good choice for you as a partner:

当你对一个新人感兴趣时，将这些问题与本章中的其他问题一起考虑，可能会帮助你决定他们是否是你伴侣的好选择：

Am I excited by the prospect of being with this person? Are they a “fuck yes!”? If not, does it feel more like a slow burn that still gives me a clear yes?
Does this person have relationship values similar to mine? If not identical, are they compatible?
Do I understand the person’s current relationship situation and overall life saturation, and do I understand how all that will affect my relationship with them?
Am I being asked to give up anything to be in this relationship? If so, do I feel that what I will get in return is worth the price?
Is this person available to give me what I think I want in the relationship—in terms of time, emotional intimacy and freedom for the relationship to grow?
Is there anything about this person that I’m hoping will change? Realistically, how likely is it that the change will happen? If this person stayed forever exactly as they are right now, would I want to be with them?
Does this person bring out the best version of myself? Or do they leave me feeling insecure, uncertain or otherwise unclear on what’s going on? Do signs point to any habits or patterns that I know to be harmful to me?
我对和这个人在一起的前景感到兴奋吗？他们是“就要这个！”吗？如果不是，它是否更像是一种仍然给我明确肯定的慢热？
这个人的关系价值观和我的相似吗？如果不完全相同，它们兼容吗？
我是否了解这个人目前的关系状况和整体生活饱和度，我是否了解这一切将如何影响我与他们的关系？
我是否被要求放弃任何东西来维持这段关系？如果是，我觉得我将得到的回报值得这个代价吗？
这个人是否能够给我我在关系中想要的东西——在时间、情感亲密和关系成长自由方面？
关于这个人，有什么是我希望会改变的吗？实际上，这种改变发生的可能性有多大？如果这个人永远保持现在的样子，我会想和他们在一起吗？
这个人是否引出了最好的我？还是他们让我感到不安全、不确定或对正在发生的事情不清楚？迹象是否指向我知道对我有害的任何习惯或模式？

Asking the following questions of a potential partner can help you figure out whether your values and approaches will mesh well in a relationship:

向潜在伴侣询问以下问题可以帮助你弄清楚你们的价值观和方法是否能在关系中很好地融合：

How do you feel about nonmonogamy? If you practise nonmonogamy, what kind do you practise? Do you have experience with nonmonogamous relationships, and what does that look like for you?
What restrictions, if any, do you (or your partners) expect to be able to place on other partners?
What kind of relationship do you envision me having with your other partners? Do they have expectations of the kind of relationship I will have with them?
Do you have any expectations or hopes about the role I will play in your life?
你对非单偶制有什么感觉？如果你实行非单偶制，你实行哪种？你有非单偶制关系的经验吗，那对你来说是什么样子的？
如果有的话，你（或你的伴侣）期望能对其他伴侣施加什么限制？
你设想我与你的其他伴侣会有什么样的关系？他们对我与他们的关系有期望吗？
你对我将在你生活中扮演的角色有什么期望或希望吗？

I fall in love with myself Eartha Kitt, interviewed in All By Myself: The Eartha Kitt Story, directed by Christian Blackwood (New York: Michael Blackwood Productions, 1982). ↩ ↩²
abusive men see Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, 282–284. ↩ ↩²
to mistreat you See Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, 97. ↩ ↩²
fuck yes Mark Manson, “Fuck Yes or No,” Mark Manson (blog), July 8, 2013, https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes. ↩ ↩²